COPING WITH CHALLENGES: WHAT IS RESILIENCE?

What is resilience, which is described as quick recovery, the power to overcome difficulties, the ability to cope with change, and psychological resilience? What does resilience mean? How do we become resilient? What are the suggestions for being a Resilient?

What is Resilience?

When we all look back on our lives, I think we can say that there are moments when we feel very tired, unable to fight and unhappy. However, we somehow manage to overcome them and cling to life again, we fight again. We feel happy again.

So how does this happen? What makes us come out of difficulties stronger and start again?

We call this concept “resilience” in psychology. Unfortunately, there is no exact equivalent in our language.

More specifically, resilience is the ability to get out of difficult situations and stand up again, and the flexibility to adapt to change in stressful situations. (Tugade, MM & Fredrickson, BL, 2004)

We know how important the psychological well-being of parents is on children. (Zakeri, Jowkar & Razmjoee, 2010) Therefore, in this article, we will both explain this concept in more detail and present you with some techniques that you can use in difficult and stressful situations.

Starting from the very basics, I would like to talk about four factors that feed the concept of resilience, according to Dr.Karen Reivich (Positive Psychology: Resilience Skills, 2019, 1.3), a student of Martin Seligman, known as the founder of Positive Psychology.

Resilience's 4 Supporters

The first is self-awareness . We can also call this “self-awareness”. It means being aware of one's own feelings, thoughts and body. It is very important to be aware of how we feel when we are in a difficult situation. Ask yourself how you really feel at moments like these. Understanding ourselves is the first step to solving our problems.

It is very important to be aware of our body in order to understand what we are feeling and thinking. Are we standing with our shoulders tense? Or hunchbacked and bent forward? All of them hide clues about our inner world.

The second is self-regulation . You can think of the concept of self-awareness as a premise for self-regulation. When we realize ourselves, we have the chance to change our unhealthy and harmful thoughts and behaviors. At the point where we begin to change what we realize, we are self-regulating.

The third factor is agile intelligence . Having developed problem solving skills, looking from more than one point of view, seeing different possibilities, and having analytical thinking make it easier for us to cope with difficulties.

Fourth and according to Reivich the most important factor is “ optimism ”. " optimism " in Turkish . So what is optimism? At its most basic , it is “ belief in a positive, good future ”. It doesn't mean to see life completely rosy, but instead of ignoring the positive things while looking at the facts and focusing on the negative, it is focusing on the positive despite seeing both .

We know that optimistic people who do this cope better with stress, have a stronger immune system, have stronger psychological and physiological health, reduce the risk of heart diseases and even live longer.

How Does an Optimist Behave?

Now we know what optimism is, and we briefly touched on how optimistic people have advantages. Being psychologically and physiologically healthier is something we all want. So let's take a look at what optimists do differently.

First, they define well what the problem is. They determine what and where to work on.
They then view the situation as a chance for improvement rather than a threat or disaster. They know that they will be stronger after they overcome the event.
Ask them, “Is this event under my control? Is not it?" they ask. This question is very important. We can deal with stress and negativity if we focus on changing what is under our control and leaving behind what is not (or moving away from them if it hurts us). will not change immediately. Your brain needs practice too. As you start to ask this question to yourself and try to change what you can control and let go of what you can't, this time will settle in your outlook on life and you will feel lighter.
Another thing that optimists do is turn instead of retreat. Confronting the problem rather than ignoring it.
One of the best things they do is share their problems and ask for help when they realize they can't solve it alone .
Finally, the most common behavior observed among optimists is the use of humor as a coping method; I mean, find something to laugh about no matter what.

Noticing Negative Thoughts

We explained what resilience and optimism are. Now let's talk about the techniques we can do when we have negative or pessimistic thoughts, when we see ourselves in situations that are difficult to cope with and endure.

First, I would like to define what pessimistic thoughts are. We said that in order to solve it, it is necessary to notice; self-awareness.

That's why I'll be giving an example of some Thought Traps below, if you want to take a more detailed look at Coping with Anxiety: How to Control Anxiety You can review my article ( https://www.bebek.com/kaygi-ile-bas-etik-kaygi-kontrolu-nasil-yapilir/ ) .

Seeing the Future: “We may be good now, but it will get worse, I know.”

Thinking in Black and White: “Bad things have happened. If so, the world is a bad place.”

Overgeneralization: “Things went badly. Now it will never get better, it will even get worse.”

Filtering: “It doesn't matter how many people are good. If even one person is bad, we are in a bad situation.”

Catastrophizing: “Something bad happened. Now worse things will happen, life will become unlivable.”

Dealing with Negative Thoughts: Sample Techniques

Finding Evidence

When negative thoughts come to your head, your first strategy may be to “find evidence” . Find concrete evidence that the situation is not what you think it is. For this, you can get help from this sentence and continue:

“This is not true, because…”

For example, let's say that thoughts that you are not good enough and a good mother swarm in your head, disturbing you while cooking, before going to bed or at work. Then against the idea of “inadequate mother”:

Complete the rest of the sentences with concrete examples like “This is not true because…” or “I am a good enough mother because…”.

For example; “I am a competent mother because no matter how much work I have, I make time for my child to play.” “I am a competent mother because I make sure that my child goes to bed and sleeps every night.” “I am a competent mother because I keep track of all my child's vaccinations and always take them for checkups when necessary.”

I do not want you to perceive the example sentences I have set up as indicators and conditions of being a sufficient mother. I wanted to give you a few ideas as a start so that you can draw examples from your own life. I'm sure you have many examples to fill in the points, the important thing is to remind yourself of them when you have difficulties. If you want, you can put it in writing instead of just talking about it verbally.

Reframing

Before I tell you how you can implement our second strategy, let me explain in more detail if you wish. In fact, this technique means looking at the same event, person or relationship from a different perspective. If we change the framework we look at, that is, our point of view, we can also change what the situation means.

For example, consider a mother who had to work while her baby was younger. This mother constantly makes negative and sad comments to herself such as “I left my baby at home, she needs me, I am a bad mother, now she will miss me very much, she will always be unhappy”, and she feels very bad.

How then can this mother reframe her thoughts? Let's look at some examples:

“Yes, maybe when I work, I spend less time physically with my baby than I normally do, but I know that when we do, I am totally there and with him. This makes our time quality. In fact, if I were at home, perhaps at the end of the day we would still have spent the same amount of quality time; After all, he plays by himself in the living room, sleeps, wanders around the house during the day while I am in the kitchen…”

“I maintain my own mental health by going to work and maintaining my social and professional life, and I can raise my child well as long as I am healthy.”

“I go to work and contribute to her care. If I hadn't worked, I would have been able to give him very little of the opportunities that I am giving him now.”

Making a Plan

This strategy is very useful, especially in moments of anxiety, or when preparing for such moments. Continuing from the example of a working mother, Let's assume that this mother has the baby at home with her father / caregiver, etc. He is afraid that if something happens to him when he is alone, he thinks that he cannot be with him. That's his biggest hesitation, maybe it will work much easier if he eases it.

Then this mother can think ahead of possible situations and make plans. Here is the key sentence;

“If X happens, I will do Y.”

It tells the caregiver step-by-step what to do, lists what to do, for example looks at the nearest hospitals, prepares an emergency bag, etc. Preparing a step-by-step plan for all question marks will help him relax in such situations.

Resilience is a very broad and versatile concept. Here we tried to share its essence with you. You can start your resilience journey with the techniques we have given above. As you repeat it and place it in your life, you will see its effect.

Let's not forget that when we are strong, our children feel safe. It is human to worry, but if we experience these moments in front of our children, they see those they trust most in hesitation, then they ask; “Who will protect me?”

That's why I shared with you both the concept of resilience and three simple techniques so that you can be more resilient when you are in such moments. However, when you observe yourself, if you think that anxiety is very frequent and excessive, disrupting your daily life and affecting your physiology, I recommend that you seek professional support from a clinical psychologist.

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