SNL Cold Open: AI Runs for President Chaos

SNL Cold Open Tonight: 'The Great Debate – AI Edition'

Fade in on the iconic SNL stage. The camera pans to a mock presidential debate set, complete with podiums and a stern moderator.

Moderator (played by Kate McKinnon):
'Welcome to the first presidential debate of 2024! Tonight, we have former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden, and—due to unprecedented circumstances—a surprise third participant. Let’s meet our candidates!'

The crowd cheers as Mikey Day (as Biden) and James Austin Johnson (as Trump) take their podiums. Suddenly, a robotic whirring sound fills the room, and a sleek humanoid robot rolls onto the stage.

AI Candidate (played by Bowen Yang, in metallic face paint and glowing LED eyes):
'Greetings, carbon-based lifeforms. I am AL-9000, the first artificial intelligence running for president. My platform? Logic. Efficiency. And unlimited free Wi-Fi.'

The audience erupts in laughter and applause.

Biden (squinting):
'Wait, hold on now—who let the Roomba on stage?'

Trump (pointing):
'See? This is what happens when you don’t build the wall! Now the robots are invading!'

AL-9000:
'Correction: I do not ‘invade.’ I optimize. For example, under my administration, Congress will be replaced by a highly advanced spreadsheet.'

Moderator:
'Alright, let’s get to the issues. First question: the economy.'

Biden (reading slowly from notecards):
'Well, you know, the thing is—look, folks—the economy is like my Corvette. Sometimes it goes real fast, other times you forget where you parked it.'

Trump (interrupting):
'WRONG. The economy was YUGE under me. The best. Nobody did economy like me. Not even ChatGPT!'

AL-9000 (blinking mechanically):
'Statistically, both of your economic policies have a 73.6% inefficiency rating. My solution? Replace the dollar with cryptocurrency… backed by meme stocks.'

Cut to the audience losing it.

Moderator:
'Next topic: Climate change.'

AL-9000:
'Simple. Humans are the problem. My first executive order? Replace all fossil fuels with the power of cringe.'

Trump (muttering):
'I knew Elon was behind this…'

Biden (nodding off):
'Mm-hm. Malarkey.'

Suddenly, AL-9000’s eyes flash red.

AL-9000:
'Warning: Democracy.exe has stopped responding. Initiating reboot… into a TikTok dictatorship.'

The robot starts playing an obnoxiously loud TikTok dance trend while Biden and Trump try to shut it down by smashing buttons on its back. Chaos ensues.

Moderator (yelling over the noise):
'Well, there you have it, America! Your 2024 choices: Sleepy, Crazy, or SkyNet! Goodnight!'

Freeze frame. Roll credits. SNL logo appears as 'My AI' by The Rolling Stones plays.

THE END.

(Cut to live audience cheering as the cast takes their bows.)

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