Wawa Coffee Poisoning: Caffeine-Fueled Crime Spree

Wawa Coffee

The Wawa Coffee Caper: A Caffeine-Fueled Crime Spree

Episode 1: 'The Perfect Brew… for Murder'

It was a quiet Tuesday morning at the Wawa on Route 30 in Lancaster, Pennsylvania—until the coffee machine started brewing something far deadlier than a dark roast.

Regulars shuffled in, half-awake, drawn by the promise of $1 any-size coffee. But when local mechanic Dave Kowalski took his first sip of his usual 'Hazelnut with a Splash of Skim,' he collapsed on the linoleum floor, convulsing. By the time paramedics arrived, two more customers were down—all victims of what would soon be dubbed 'The Wawa Coffee Killer.'

The Victims:

Dave Kowalski, 42 – Died clutching his loyalty card, just two stamps shy of a free hoagie.

Marianne Pritchett, 68 – A retired teacher who always took her coffee 'light and sweet.' Too sweet, it turned out.

Tyler 'Juice' Malone, 23 – A gym bro who swore by Wawa’s cold brew. His last words? 'This tastes… off.'

The Investigation:
Detective Rosa Vega, a no-nonsense Philly transplant, took the case. The security footage showed nothing unusual—just the usual parade of sleep-deprived patrons. But when the hazmat team tested the coffee, they found trace amounts of ethylene glycol—antifreeze—mixed into the flavor syrups.

The Suspects:

Gary, the Overnight Cashier – A disgruntled employee with a grudge over denied vacation time. But his alibi checked out—he was in the back stockroom vaping when the poisonings happened.

Linda from Accounting – A Wawa corporate auditor who’d been quietly closing stores. Was she eliminating customers to justify shutdowns?

The Sleepless Regular – A shadowy figure caught on camera lingering near the condiment station. Witnesses described him as 'a guy who looked like he hadn’t slept since 2017.'

The Twist:
The killer wasn’t targeting random victims. All three had won Wawa’s 'Free Coffee for a Year' contest the month prior. Someone didn’t want them cashing in.

The Break in the Case:
Detective Vega noticed the contest rules fine print: 'Void if winner is deceased.' A deeper dig revealed the promotion was a scheme by Wawa’s parent company to boost sales—with no intention of paying out. The 'winner' names had been pre-selected… from a list of people with no living relatives.

The Final Showdown:
Vega confronted Wawa’s regional manager, Richard 'Dick' Brewster, in his office—where a half-empty bottle of antifreeze sat next to a stack of contest entries.

Brewster (smirking): 'You ever think maybe they died happy? I mean, it’s damn good coffee.'

Vega (slapping cuffs on him): 'Enjoy your new brew—prison toilet wine.'

Epilogue:
Wawa settled a wrongful death lawsuit for an undisclosed amount (rumored to be $10 million… in free hoagie coupons). The remaining contest winners? They switched to tea.

And as for the Sleepless Regular? He’s still out there… somewhere. Waiting. Watching. Always needing just one more cup.

(Cue ominous reprise of the Wawa jingle.)

THE END…?

(Or is it? Season 2: 'The Curse of the Shorti Hoagie' coming soon.)

Would you like a direct-to-TV sequel where the killer escapes and starts poisoning Sheetz locations? Or a Netflix docuseries with dramatic reenactments of detectives tasting coffee? Let me know how deep this caffeine conspiracy goes.

Wawa Coffee Poisoning: Caffeine-Fueled Crime Spree

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