Russell Westbrook: Stat-Loving Basketball Assassin
Russell Westbrook'The Ball Hog Murders: A Russell Westbrook True Crime Story'
Episode 1: 'The Triple-Double Killer'
Narrator (in a gritty, noir tone):
'Los Angeles, 2017. The NBA was under siege. A relentless predator stalked the hardwood, hunting one thing—stat lines. His name? Russell Westbrook. And by the end of the season, no box score would be safe.'
The Crime Scene
October 28, 2016. Oklahoma City. The Thunder’s season opener. Westbrook drops 32 points, 12 rebounds, and 9 assists—just shy of a triple-double. But investigators noticed something chilling: he had taken 44 shots.
Former teammate (anonymous):
'We’d be up 20, and Russ would still be out there, hunting rebounds like they were witnesses to a crime.'
The Modus Operandi
Westbrook’s signature move? The 'Stat Pad.'
Rebounds: Teammates would mysteriously back away from loose balls.
Assists: Forced passes to Steven Adams, who had no choice but to shoot.
Points: Pull-up threes with 18 seconds left on the shot clock.
Analyst (whispering):
'He wasn’t just playing basketball. He was manufacturing numbers.'
The 2016-17 Season: A Trail of Box Score Carnage
By April, Westbrook had 42 triple-doubles—tying Oscar Robertson’s record. But at what cost?
March 29, 2017: Records a triple-double in three quarters… then demands to play the fourth in a 30-point blowout.
April 4, 2017: Grabs his 10th rebound—replays show he tipped it to himself off a missed free throw.
Former Coach (shaking head):
'We tried to stop him. But the man was obsessed.'
The Bystander Effect
Teammates grew fearful. Victor Oladipo later admitted in a therapy session:
'I’d see Russ coming at me with that look, and I knew—I was either shooting or disappearing.'
The Aftermath
Westbrook won MVP. But whispers followed him:
'Was it greatness… or grand larceny?'
To this day, historians debate: Was Russell Westbrook a basketball savant… or the most prolific stat-serial killer the game has ever seen?
[Cue ominous music. Fade to black.]
Next Episode: 'The Durant Disappearance—A Betrayal in the Bay.'
This has been 'True Hoops Crime.' Stay vigilant. The stat sheet never lies.
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