Nathan Fielder's Boring Yet Perfect Day

Nathan Fielder’s Very Normal Day

Nathan Fielder woke up at exactly 5:47 AM, as he did every day. He had calculated that this was the optimal time to rise—early enough to maximize productivity but late enough to avoid 'pre-dawn existential dread.' He stretched, then immediately reviewed the flowchart he had made for his morning routine.

Step 1: Brush Teeth
Nathan stared at his reflection, gripping the toothbrush with surgical precision. He had once conducted a week-long experiment to determine the most efficient brushing technique. (Side-to-side had won, but only by a 3% margin over circular motions.)

Step 2: Breakfast
He opened his fridge, which contained 12 identical meal-prep containers of oatmeal, each weighed to the gram. Nathan didn’t like oatmeal, but data didn’t lie—it was the most cost-effective, nutritionally balanced breakfast. As he ate, he rewatched footage of himself eating yesterday to check for inefficiencies in chewing.

Step 3: The Commute
Nathan didn’t own a car. Instead, he had negotiated a complex barter system with a local bike shop—he provided 'awkward small-talk workshops' for their staff in exchange for unlimited bike repairs. As he pedaled, he mentally rehearsed potential conversations he might have that day, scripting both sides to avoid surprises.

Step 4: Work
Nathan ran a business consultancy called Summit Ice, which had nothing to do with consulting. It was actually a jacket company with a 100% failure rate, but he kept it running because he enjoyed the irony. Today, he spent six hours drafting a passive-aggressive email to a supplier about a misaligned zipper.

Step 5: Social Interaction Attempt
At 3 PM, Nathan decided to 'network.' He approached a stranger in a coffee shop and said, 'Hi, I’m Nathan. I’ve prepared some icebreakers. Option 1: If you could be any kitchen appliance, which would you be and why? Option 2: Hypothetically, if I owed you $20, how would you emotionally manipulate me into paying?'

The stranger left. Nathan nodded—this was within expected outcomes.

Step 6: Evening Reflection
Before bed, Nathan updated his spreadsheet tracking daily 'human-like behaviors.' He had successfully:

Made eye contact (3.2 seconds, a personal best)

Laughed at a joke he didn’t understand (social lubrication)

Avoided explaining what 'social lubrication' means to a coworker

As he drifted to sleep, Nathan whispered, 'Tomorrow, I will be slightly less awkward.'

He would not be.

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