What Does Sex Dreams Mean

What Does Sex Dreams Mean
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No, your sex dream about a coworker doesn't mean you should leave your partner.
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Trigger warning: This piece mentions sexual assault and PTSD.
Sex dreams can be incredibly hot — or leave you waking up in a panic, depending on the context. Some nights, you may wake up confused and scared if your dream was about cheating, an ex, or past trauma. On a better night, you may wake up on top of the world after a sex dream about Rihanna . But according to clinical psychologist and sleep expert Michael Breus , sex dreams of all kinds are perfectly normal and even healthy. "Sexual dreams appear to start when a child is going through puberty," Breus tells Allure . While Breus says most people have fewer sexual dreams after puberty, they don't end there altogether. In fact, sex therapist Holly Richmond says that about 80 percent of her clients talk to her about their erotic dreams.
You may be one of those people who doesn't dream much ; on the other hand, you may be lucky enough to experience lucid dreaming . For many of us, the pandemic has even affected our dreams . But if you're worried about the erotic content of your slumber, the experts say common sex dream scenarios include exes, celebrities, cheating, and can even be accompanied by orgasms. There are also nightmares that can be sexual in nature but disturbing, especially if you are a rape survivor and experience PTSD. Or, you may simply unearth some new fantasies during your slumber and feel unsure how to navigate the experience. To better understand why we have sex dreams, the different types, and what they mean, Allure spoke with several experts to break it down. Spoiler alert: The brain loves to dream about the forbidden.
Often we have sex dreams about those who are off-limits, such as our boss or a coworker. These dreams are prevalent, says Richmond, but rather than indicating that you're actually lusting after your boss, the dream is likely about office power dynamics. "There's a relationship dynamic in which you need to control more, and it's getting played out sexually. There's so rarely a real sexual component to this. If you feel yucky when you wake up, trust that. You don't want to have sex with this person, and there's some other dynamic," Richmond says.
So don't be embarrassed — office-related sex dreams are pretty common.
Why would our mind waste our precious sleep by having sex with someone we don't even like? Well, let's think about actual "hate fucking." What comes to mind? You probably think of hot sex with someone you don't like or are mad at, and during sex, you get to expend that energy sexually. Richmond says that, like with our bosses, when we have sex dreams about someone we dislike, it's likely much more about power dynamics than actual sex. "Dreams can communicate a lot — it's just not always a direct connection," Richmond says.
Sex dreams about celebrities are widespread, according to experts. So what do they mean? Well, the answer here is pretty simple: They likely mean that we are attracted to that celebrity. "These can range from crushes to sexual prowess and agency and feeling like we can get someone who is out of reach. Those are really common, too, and they're usually an ego boost," Richmond says. So what should we do about them? Have fun with them; it's unlikely you'll ever bang this celebrity in real life (sorry). And no, having sex with a celeb in your dreams does not count as cheating.
Sex dreams that involve exes are one of the most complicated to wake up from. Unlike celebrity sex dreams, exes are people we usually have a very complex history with, and having them can result in complicated feelings. Ex-sex dreams don't directly translate to wanting to have sex with our former partner, but we usually dream about an ex with whom we have unresolved emotions. "There is some relational dynamic that needs to be worked out. What were you trying to communicate through sex? Do you want a new understanding? Did you want to take your power back? There's usually unfinished business, and it's not sexual," Richmond says.
Sex dreams run on the forbidden. Michael Friedman , a sleep specialist and otolaryngologist says this is why we are more likely to have sex dreams about exes, bosses, celebrities, and even platonic friends than the person we share a bed with. You may be attracted to this friend, or perhaps the sex dream is simply happening because this is someone you can't have sex with. Either way, don't worry about being a perv or about cheating if you're in a committed relationship. "It's very normal, and it's just human nature. It doesn't imply anything wrong or a conscious desire to be unfaithful; it's just part of being human," Friedman says.
Other times, we have dreams that feel like a sexual version of being back at school, except instead of forgetting your homework, you are naked, and everyone is laughing at you. Richmond says examples include people waking up from a dream that they engaged in sexual activities that they may never have thought of doing in real life, such as a gang bang or bukkake.
While for some people, such sexual fantasies are totally normal (and others engage in them consensually), with this type of dream, the one doing the dreaming does not have any desire to engage in such scenarios. When they wake up, they are horrified . Our imaginations can think up a slew of scenarios, so if you have sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, remind yourself that it was only a dream.
Richmond says her office is filled with clients who have sex dreams involving a gender they aren't normally attracted to. She says it's mostly straight women who have dreams about lesbian sex , even if they don't actually want to be with a woman in real life. Many people enjoy porn with genders they don't date, and it's OK to be turned on by sexual acts that don't match up exactly with your existing sex life. However, if you are unfulfilled, as Richmond suggests, assess what about the fantasy turns you on and then find ways to integrate it into your relationship.
Yes, some people have sex dreams about the person they are with, rather than a celebrity or the one who got away. However, Friedman says that as many sex dreams contain a forbidden aspect, dreams about your partner usually occur early in the relationship or in situations where you are separated. "They are definitely more common early in the relationship or when the relationship is not readily available than for couples who have been together for longer periods," Friedman says. So what should you do if you're experiencing sex dreams about your partner? Well, enjoy them, of course.
A public bathroom, your childhood home, a sex party : Sometimes, sex dreams take place in locations we don't usually go to get it on. As we've established, sex dreams thrive on the forbidden. "There's usually an element of freedom, of wanting, of longing for whatever the situation is," explains Richmond. Is there a kink you want to try but haven't yet explored, such as exhibitionism and having people watch, or getting it on somewhere you risk getting caught? Use these sexual fantasy dreams to gauge what you want and then apply them to your sex life in a manner that's comfortable for you.
Sexual assault is not sex , and including PTSD dreams in this article is in no way meant to suggest such. However, one in every six women has been the survivor of a completed or attempted sexual assault, and LGBTQ+ people are nearly four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, including rape and sexual assault. So, because PTSD dreams stemming from a sexual assault are common , we asked the experts about them.
"PTSD is an entirely different animal altogether," says Breus. If you have a dream stemming from a sexual assault, perhaps "nightmare" is the better word. It's important to understand that you aren't alone. Richmond says she has clients who have PTSD dreams frequently right after the assault, and others still have them even if the assault occurred years ago. "It's the body processing something," says Richmond. "Typically, there is a little bit of difference in the dream, or the dream doesn't get far enough to its conclusion. It will be 'I was about to be raped by my perpetrator, and then I woke up,'" she says.
If you are experiencing PTSD dreams, you can call the RAINN hotline , and someone will talk to you or refer you to a therapist. You can also contact your insurance company to find an in-network therapist or do a quick Google search to see who is available in your area. "I remind them that at some point, they got away. They've changed, they're a survivor, and what happened to them is not their fault," says Richmond.
Let's talk about the most infamous sex dream: the wet dream, which begins in puberty. "Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," says Breus. "These dreams involve ejaculation during sleep, usually accompanied by a sexual dream." Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," he says. Wet dreams don't stop at puberty, and they don't just happen to people with penises. Those with vaginas may wake up in the middle of the night having an orgasm. Depending on where you are in your cycle, hormones may play a role, and Richmond says pregnancy can also induce them.
A dream in which your partner cheated is not a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you tell yourself it was just a dream. But is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Yes, but don't panic just yet. "It does not mean that your partner is cheating, but it does mean you should talk," Richmond says. "I want people to trust their gut, but sometimes we overthink it."
Cheating dreams can indicate that you're worried or not entirely comfortable, but that could mean several things that manifest as cheating while you sleep. Richmond suggests having an open and honest conversation with your partner in which you tell them about your dreams and that you know it may not be a literal translation but that you are feeling anxious. Let your partner know that you want to check in to see how they're doing and how you both feel about the relationship.
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to find your partner initiating sex, only not to remember doing so in the morning? Or have you been the sleep-sex initiator? Friedman says that these sex dreams mean someone is in R.E.M. sleep. "There are situations where people act out their dreams, which is not normal. People sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and do other sleep activities while they're sleeping. They are acting out a dream yet totally unaware of it. That is a R.E.M-state sleep disorder. All kinds of things can happen," he says.
Depending on your unique situation, you may assume your partner is awake and welcome the sex. However, if you're uninterested, the R.E.M. come-on may be upsetting and open complicated questions about consent between you and your partner. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seek a sleep specialist. Remember, regardless of what is keeping you up at night, getting enough sleep is crucial to your health and well-being.
If you're a survivor of sexual assault and looking for resources, you can call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). You'll be connected with a trained staff member from a local sexual-assault service provider and given access to a wide range of free services . You're not alone.
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If you dreamed about a totally weird hookup, don't panic.
There are so many theories about why and how we dream , but we still lack a definitive answer as to the origin and purpose of dreaming. Whether it’s meant to help us process life events, practice our fight-or-flight reactions, or something else entirely, we’re all still left wondering what the hell these flickering images in our brain mean. Personally, I’d really love to decipher the dream where I had a threesome with Hermione from Harry Potter and a golem creature. Like, was I reading too many fantasy novels at the time? Am I just really attracted to Emma Watson? Was I yearning for a strong man in my life, and my brain decided to show me a guy who was literally made of stone?
Questions like these show why sex dreams are among the most perplexing dreams we can have. To learn more about common sex dreams and their meanings, we spoke to Dr. Gail Saltz , associate professor or psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School, and dream experts Angela Grillo and Nicole Bowman (also known as Live the Light).
If you just woke up from a sex dream and you're totally weirded out, here's some good news: experts say sex dreams are very normal and very common. And don't freak out if you envisioned yourself having sex with someone you'd never want to hook up with in real life. Most of the time, sex dreams are about so much more than sex.
“A person in a dream does not necessarily represent that person,” Dr. Saltz says. “Dreams, like thoughts, are not actions or behaviors." (And in case you were worried, she adds that having a sex dream does not constitute cheating in a relationship!)
Keep in mind that nobody can 100% tell you what your dream means. Dream experts typically operate from a common spirituality standpoint , so it’s not an exact science.
“[Sex dreams] are actually about intimacy and the need to connect and be understood by others,” Bowman says. “This is why we could have dreams about someone we are not sexually attracted to. The dream is not about the sexual act. It is about being validated, listened to, and accepted.”
It could also be about a desire to embody certain characteristics of the person you're having sex with in the dream, according to Grillo. (For instance, having sex with a gorgeous stranger could mean there's something you want to change about your own appearance—more on that shortly.)
That said, if your dreams are really worrying you, it may be a good idea to seek the advice of a professional. “If you are having dreams which are disturbing to you, are interrupting your ability to go to sleep and stay asleep, are intruding into your thoughts during the day and upsetting you... seeing a professional can help,” Dr. Saltz says.
Depending on the relationship that’s replaying during your REM cycle, these dreams can mean many different things, Grillo says. It could be that you're still pining after your ex, but it could also be an indication that you're trying to move past the relationship, but haven't fully processed it. It could even mean there's something about your ex you want to embody in your own life, even if you don't want to be with them anymore.
“The dreamer may be wanting to grow from the past [or] let go of something," Grillo says. "Or the opposite: [they may want to] integrate parts of the ex’s masculine/feminine energy."
Uh oh, did you have a dream that’s making it hard to look your boss in the eye now? Sex dreams about your boss “[are] often about the need for acceptance," Bowman says. "They are authority figures, and as such, they can determine how we advance. Dreams like this signify a need for their approval and a desire to get ahead.”
So, don’t worry that you might be subconsciously wanting to pull a Secretary on a perfectly fine working relationship. You probably just want to succeed in your field, and there’s nothing wrong with a little ambition.
If you dream of having sex with a partner you do not know, Grillo says that you may be searching for something internally that you’ve yet to fully realize. Maybe you want to be stronger or smarter or more attractive than you feel that you currently are—this is why you might dream about hooking up with a stranger that represents the traits you desire.
Sex, in dreams, can be all about a need for connection. “We may need to be heard or understood by our friends," Bowman says. "There may also be a desire to get to know them on a deeper level.” So, maybe hang out with your friend a bit more, and consider whether or not you feel as close to them as you want. If not, these conversation starters could help you get to know each other on a deeper level .
Bowman doesn’t exclude the possibility of what we’re all worried about: whether or not we actually want to sleep with that friend. "Sometimes, this [sex dream] can signal an attraction that we were not previously aware of,” she says. How can we determine if we actually have sexual attraction toward our friend? It can help to consider if you have these thoughts in your waking life. Do you think, if you weren’t just friends, you’d be open to dating or sleeping with this person? If you feel like it’s something you might want to explore in your waking life, check out our guide to dating a friend .
Okay, this is a big one! I bet most of us have woken up from a dream about our partner cheating and been a liiiiiittle cranky about it for the rest of the morning. (Or is that just me?) Or, maybe we’ve actively had an affair in our sleep, knowing good and well th
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