What Does It Mean To Be Vanilla In Bed
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What Does It Mean To Be Vanilla In Bed
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It's not a hierarchy. No one type of sex is automatically “hotter” than another.
“Never have I ever…” Lucy* pauses and audibly sighs. “God, I hated that game!”
The well-loved drinking game is supposedly a twist on ‘Truth or dare?’ but chances are most of us remember it as a bout of sexual one-upmanship. For some it was a chance to show off, for others it was a source of embarrassment – and a fast track to getting wasted.
For Lucy, the evenings spent sitting on the floors of student living rooms, clutching a glass of cheap wine and smiling awkwardly, conjure different memories. “People would be laughing about crazy sex stuff they’d done but I’d never done any of it,” she says. “I’d had boyfriends and I liked sex but compared to everyone else I felt so boring.”
Now 36, Lucy describes herself as “gloriously vanilla” but it’s not a word she’s always felt so comfortable using. “It kind of felt like an insult,” she says. “I would read magazines with tips on getting kinky in the bedroom and wonder if there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t into spanking. I actually got to the point where I started to wonder if I was demisexual because that stuff just didn’t appeal.”
The turnaround happened when she met her now-husband. Their sexual chemistry was such that she didn’t even stop to question whether they needed to spice things up. “I used to worry that partners found me boring in bed but with my husband it was clear straight away how into each other we were,” she says “We tried tying each other up once and it was fun but I didn’t find it that hot. To be honest, the best sex we’ve had recently was after we watched Normal People ! We spent ages talking about the chemistry between Marianne and Connell and then went to bed and had the most intense sex!”
But Lucy’s far from alone in having mixed feelings about identifying as vanilla. When I tell a friend that I’m writing about vanilla sex, she forbids me to mention her by name. “I reckon I’m pretty vanilla but I don’t like being described that way as it basically means boring,” she admits.
It’s true that vanilla sex sometimes gets a bad rap. The term itself was invented by kink communities who used it neutrally to distinguish non- BDSM sex, but over time “vanilla” has become a byword for boring. Many of the people I spoke to reported feeling “vanilla-shamed” and judged for their pedestrian sex lives. But sex isn’t about ticking boxes or impressing your mates. Surely great sex is about doing what you enjoy?
Gemma and her partner have been together for 11 years and she says they’re not remotely interested in getting kinky. “We mess around and try different sex positions and we’re really happy with that. I just don’t really see the point of bringing handcuffs and toys into it if you’re enjoying what you’re doing,” she says. “We watched Fifty Shades together but we realised we just weren’t bothered.”
She jokes that if she and her husband had a “red room” like Christian Grey’s, it would be really sumptuous bedroom where they could focus on the sensual side of sex. “We’d have a really nice bed and music and massage oils and candles and lube,” she says.
The idea that we need to be constantly spicing things up is what sex educator Justin Hancock calls a “should story.” In his new book Can We Talk About Consent? he explains that we pick up ideas about what sex “should” be from the world around us, whether via our parents, what we learn (or don’t learn) in school, our religion or culture, and, of course, through media and porn. As open conversations about BDSM have helped destigmatise it and dispel the idea that you “shouldn’t” be kinky, many of us have started to wonder if we “should”.
In his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want , social psychologist Justin Lehmiller surveyed over 4,000 people and found that over 90% of women had fantasised about BDSM. But it’s one thing to fantasise, it’s another thing to actually incorporate it into your sex life. A 2017 Belgian survey found that almost half had engaged in a BDSM activity at least once but that still leaves over half who hadn’t!
"My favourite thing is when my husband comes up behind me, moves my hair and kisses my neck"
In any case, there is no universally agreed definition of “vanilla”. If your partner tugs your hair during doggy style sex does that make it instantly kinky? Is a long, drawn-out tease automatically vanilla just because it doesn’t involve bondage rope?
The reality, says Hancock, is that it’s not an either/or situation. “There’s this idea that you’re either staring into each other's eyes in the missionary position and it's gentle and everyone magically comes at the same time, or it’s rough and violent, involving bruising someone's butt and making them cry. But it’s kind of a false binary.”
It’s also not a hierarchy. No one type of sex is automatically “hotter” than another, as long as everyone involved is consenting and enjoying themselves. Being “ sex-positive ” is not necessarily about donning a latex catsuit and shoving things up your bum (though this obviously also fine). It is about tapping into what it is you really enjoy about sex and owning that.
Sammi Tye is a performer on OnlyFans, the (mostly adult) content-sharing site, where she is no stranger to people’s fetishes. But at home, what she enjoys in bed is “really, really basic stuff.”
“My demographic is horny dads,” says Sammi, 32, who asked to be referred to by her stage name. “I do a lot of secretary role play . Last week some guy asked me to get in the bath and cover myself in custard. It’s fun, I like the escapism, but kinky stuff in my personal life does absolutely nothing for me. I’d never want to be tied up and spread-eagled. My favourite thing is when my husband comes up behind me, moves my hair out the way and kisses my neck. The kinkiest we get is a bit of rimming .”
Similarly, learning about kink online gave Emily, 24, the freedom to choose vanilla. Having spent a lot of her teenage years on the microblogging website, Tumblr, she says the exchange of ideas helped her understand what she actually wanted from sex, and how to communicate it.
“It meant that when I first had sex, I had a really good idea of what I wanted,” she says. “I was aware of things like rough sex but I knew I wanted my partner to be tender with me. We talked a lot about consent beforehand and it was sweet and gentle and nice.”
Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong way to do sex, as long as it’s consensual and you’re enjoying it.
Follow Franki on Twitter and Instagram . Subscribe to her newsletter The Overthinker's Guide To Sex .
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Unexciting, normal , conventional, boring .
n. The opposite of kinky . Not in any way involved with BDSM .
He was a little more vanilla than I was used to, but we got along fine anyway .
by Bad Grammar Must Die April 17, 2003
A member of the boring sexual majority, that has no idea of the raging sexual party of fetishes and swapping that whirls around them.
When we walk up the street from the BDSM dungeon to get to the swinger's party, let's tone down the sexual talk and groping , we don't want to scare all of the vanillas on the sidewalk.
It's the original of something, like the original Ice Cream flavour . In computergames the original game is called classic or vanilla when the expansion comes out.
This shirt is so vanilla. Don't you wear anything else .
Original game format without any mods .
Playing Empire Total War vanilla makes you want to kill the person who designed the AI .
A word used to describe someone with little inclination to do anything spontaneous or exciting, either sexually, or in general every day life. A vanilla person will not be open to try new and exciting things, instead prefferring to remain dull, innocent and safe.
BOY BITES GIRL ON NECK
GIRL: What are you doing?
BOY: Biting your neck - d'ya like it?
GIRL: Eew ! Get off!
BOY: sigh You're so fucking vanilla, Toni .
"You can't take me into the heavy metal section! I'm way too vanilla for that."
"Of COURSE Hannah's still a virgin! Look at her, she's SO vanilla!"
Unexciting, normal , conventional, boring .
n. The opposite of kinky . Not in any way involved with BDSM .
He was a little more vanilla than I was used to, but we got along fine anyway .
by Bad Grammar Must Die April 17, 2003
A member of the boring sexual majority, that has no idea of the raging sexual party of fetishes and swapping that whirls around them.
When we walk up the street from the BDSM dungeon to get to the swinger's party, let's tone down the sexual talk and groping , we don't want to scare all of the vanillas on the sidewalk.
It's the original of something, like the original Ice Cream flavour . In computergames the original game is called classic or vanilla when the expansion comes out.
This shirt is so vanilla. Don't you wear anything else .
Original game format without any mods .
Playing Empire Total War vanilla makes you want to kill the person who designed the AI .
A word used to describe someone with little inclination to do anything spontaneous or exciting, either sexually, or in general every day life. A vanilla person will not be open to try new and exciting things, instead prefferring to remain dull, innocent and safe.
BOY BITES GIRL ON NECK
GIRL: What are you doing?
BOY: Biting your neck - d'ya like it?
GIRL: Eew ! Get off!
BOY: sigh You're so fucking vanilla, Toni .
"You can't take me into the heavy metal section! I'm way too vanilla for that."
"Of COURSE Hannah's still a virgin! Look at her, she's SO vanilla!"
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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may shortchange the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Posted September 15, 2010
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Vanilla sex refers to conventional sex that conforms to the very basic expectations with a culture. Classically, in heterosexual sex, it refers to sex in the missionary position, and broadly speaking, it excludes fetishes such as S&M. When we examine the act of sex more deeply, vanilla sex sometimes signals different forms of anxiety . And it is important to examine sexual practices because there is an amazing opportunity to relieve anxiety when sex represents a safe place to be. However, when "safety" is the result of anxiety, this can limit physical expression. What are some of the forms of anxiety that exist and what can you do about this?
1. Fear of standing out : The idea of "vanilla" suggests a plain flavor—nothing that is "too different" or "stands out." What is so frightening about standing out? To understand this, imagine the fear of a failed theatrical performance, or the fear of being scrutinized. When sex is vanilla all along, it may make sense for both partners to address these fears and to ask themselves why theatrical experimentation or being scrutinized is anxiety-provoking. Can you tolerate your own imperfections? Are you too self- critical? Do you feel insecure about your partner seeing too much of you? Asking these questions may pave the way to lessen the anxiety.
2. Fear of being "weird" : People who keep the sex "vanilla" also want to avoid feeling "weird". They associate any sex out of the ordinary as being weird and subconsciously relish the idea of being "regular" at the risk of being boring . It often helps couples to dispel with fears of being "weird" by exploring their own limits of "weirdness" and to explore what crossing this line safely would mean. What would happen if you let go of "weird?" How can you be "weird" but safe?
3. Fear of being excluded : Many people who practice vanilla sex imagine that they are mainstream. But this is often because many couples do not reveal their non-mainstream practices. Vanilla couples may seek comfort in being in the in-group at the expense of expressing their individuality. Thus it is important to examine the blind following of what is expected at the expense of giving up an opportunity to feel "included" by being one self.
4. Fear of taking chances : The only way to "discover" anything is to walk into the uncertain. Fear of taking a chance makes this impossible. While unsafe chances are often good to avoid, small steps can help people make small discoveries about themselves. A new sex position may not work out immediately or even after a few times, but the more you take a chance to make it work, the more you may just find the feeling of success and discovery.
5. Fear of losing control : People who stick to vanilla sex are uncontrolled in a controlled way. They have a pattern of predictable pleasure and they stick to this. This occurs in part because they are afraid that they fear that if they start out on an unpredictable path they will lose control. Helping your partner feel safe may help them have the chance to explore their sexuality with you.
Overall then, there is nothing wrong with vanilla sex. And there is something wrong with deliberate pain during sex that leads to injury. But between these two extremes, there is a world of opportunity for discovery.
Not being vanilla does not have to mean not being loving or artful. It is an intrinsic permission to explore and to discover
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