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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted August 23, 2019
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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
“Doc, you tell us: Is watching porn a form of infidelity ?”
This is not a helpful question. In fact, I think it’s the wrong question. But women and men keep asking it, so let me answer it here.
The simple answer is, it all depends on how you define infidelity.
I. Many people define infidelity as having sex with another person outside a sexually exclusive relationship. People of course disagree on what “having sex” means, but almost everyone agrees that it involves an actual person. Some people refine that further to include or exclude sex workers, but “actual person” for them is key.
In this case, watching porn is not infidelity. A partner may not like it for various reasons (moral, political, ick factor), but generally won’t claim it’s infidelity.
II. Other people define infidelity more broadly, including sharing sexual energy outside the primary relationship, or having sexual satisfaction outside the couple. It’s vague enough that it covers just about everything, which I think is the point of this kind of definition. It’s sort of “I know it (infidelity) when I see it. And watching porn is infidelity.”
Another aspect of this second definition is “anything erotic or sexy that you don’t want me to know about is infidelity.” In that case, watching porn is infidelity. And it’s one reason people hide it so much.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard a porn watcher say “I hide it because it’s a form of infidelity.” No, if anyone believes porn-watching is infidelity, it’s the non-watcher. People hide their porn-watching not because they think it’s wrong, but because they believe their partner will be angry if they find out.
So is porn-watching infidelity? I still say it depends. Some people approach this question less theoretically and more practically: “He masturbates to porn instead of having sex with me. That makes it infidelity.” This is a common enough perspective. The pain these people are in is genuine.
But most people who say this incorrectly assume there’s a cause-and-effect: that he doesn’t have sex with me because he uses porn. This expresses the popular notion that a woman is in competition with porn for her mate’s attention . This simply isn’t so . That’s like saying the Food Channel is in competition with eating. Obviously, people would rather eat than watch glamorous cooking— if they like what’s available to eat, and it isn’t too emotionally or logistically expensive.
And so with sex. Masturbation with porn is no competition for uncomplicated partner sex that a person can enjoy. But problematic sex—or a person’s inability to enjoy partner sex—can make masturbation with porn look like the best available option.
So what can make sex problematic? Here are just a few of the things that people say about partner sex:
In addition, there are internal complications that can make porn seem like the best erotic option:
Any of these—many people have more than one—can make partner sex more complicated, scary, aggravating, and less interesting, no matter how much you trust or care for the other person.
It’s easy to imagine that Asperger ’s Syndrome; an anxiety disorder such as OCD ; ongoing depression ; PTSD ; distorted body image ; perfectionist , self-critical narcissism ; and any of a dozen other emotional states could make responding to an intimate partner terrifying or maddening.
Thus, the converse is often true: For many men, masturbating, with or without porn, is less anxiety-provoking and conflictual than partner sex. It can be an experience imbued with the confidence , sense of empowerment, sense of choice, and simple pleasure many people would like to have with partner sex, but can't.
For men with these various considerations about sex, masturbating (again, with or without porn) is a seemingly low-cost solution to a wide range of sexual difficulties, including unreliable erection and ambivalence about sex or intimacy . For such men, using porn can be more soothing and engaging, although the secrecy can lead to its own anxiety.
While living such a life—unsatisfying partner sex, relationship conflict, a complicated seven-day work-and- parenting routine, internal issues like anxiety or depression—the amount of partner sex a person (male or female) wants won’t be determined by the amount they masturbate, with or without porn. Most humans are not so simple.
In my clinical experience, most women don’t like hearing this. They’d much rather believe that some alien being or energy has kidnapped their mate’s sexuality , and that if their mate would just struggle enough to get free, he would come bounding back into the couple’s bed.
Life’s more complicated than that. And so rather than saying “You’re being unfaithful with your porn," a woman (or man) being honest might wonder, "Our sex life seems to have collapsed. What should do about it?”
This takes courage. It’s never enjoyable, and not always successful. But arguing over the alleged infidelity of porn-watching avoids the real issue. The question isn’t: Is porn watching bad? The questions are: Do we want to get our sexual relationship back, and if so, what are we willing to do to make that happen? And if a partner’s answer to the former is “meh,” and to the latter, "I dunno,” you then have to ask an even more difficult question: Now what?
In my experience, if a porn watcher thinks his partner’s agenda is to get him to stop watching porn, he defends himself and/or hides. If, on the other hand, her agenda is for them to have more enjoyable sex, well, some of these men may still head for the hills, but many others will be ready to listen. They may not arrive at a compromise about porn, but they may end up with a better sex life.
Facebook image: Photographee.eu/Shutterstock
Klein, Marty: His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex (Praeger, 2016)
Marty Klein, Ph.D., is a certified sex therapist and a licensed psychotherapist. He has written five books and 200 articles about sex. His TV appearances include 20/20 and Nightline .
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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Key points
Recent research finds the effects of porn on marriage vary greatly, depending upon characteristics of the marriage and the porn use.
Large portions of survey respondents in both the U.S. (73%) and Spain (77%) believe porn use is not cheating.
Those from the U.S. who attend church, don’t watch porn themselves, and are currently single more often tend to view porn as cheating.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted February 14, 2018
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Pornography is a hot-button issue of the day, and every season, more states add themselves to the list of legislatures that have declared pornography, and internet pornography, to be a public health crisis. Often, these legislative efforts identify pornography as having blanket negative effects on people, and especially on couples.
Historically, many have claimed that porn use causes divorce and marital difficulties on the basis of pretty sloppy data and research. Recent research is finding that the effects of porn on marriage vary greatly, depending upon some characteristics of the marriage and the porn use. Nonreligious couples who watch porn together seem to be quite well insulated from experiencing any negative effects from porn use.
But, isn’t watching porn the equivalent of cheating—getting sex outside the marriage? Dr. Phil has suggested that watching porn is “not OK” and likely opens the door to cheating. Antiporn group Fight the New Drug proclaims that watching porn is cheating, because it feels like it, and because of oxytocin . (They suggest that watching porn releases oxytocin in the brain, which causes you to “bond” with the porn, rather than your real life partner). And the explicitly religious organization Covenant Eyes declares that using porn is cheating, because it is “engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.”
So now, research sheds some interesting light on this question, and helps to reveal that not all people view porn use as cheating—in fact, most don’t. And further, the people who do view porn as cheating tend to be a certain group of people.
Negy, et al. recently published research where they examined people’s attitudes about porn and cheating. They also compared respondents in the U.S. to respondents from Spain. First, a very large portion respondents in both the U.S. (73%) and Spain (77%) believe that porn use is not cheating.
Things get really interesting when Negy and researchers examine what characteristics predict a person's viewing porn as cheating. First, being from the U.S., compared to Spain, was associated with viewing porn as cheating. So were being single (not in a relationship a
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