Want To Marry Him
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Want To Marry Him
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My husband and I went from first date to married in just eight weeks. Deciding to get married took just five. That’s not to say that getting married isn’t a huge, life-altering decision — it absolutely is, and it takes a lot of introspection to know whether or not your partner is the person you want to spend your life with. It’s a big decision! Nevertheless, noticing the below signs you’re going to marry your boyfriend someday is a great first step in deciding whether or not your partner is someone you can see yourself marrying.
A lot of reflection goes into deciding to get married. Shared values, a shared vision for the future, trust, and of course, love, are all important factors to consider. But another valuable factor that plays into deciding to get married is time . “If people want a long-term relationship or marriage (and don’t want a divorce), it takes time to get to know someone,” Anita Chlipala , LMFT, founder of Chicago-based relationship therapy firm Relationship Reality 312 , tells Elite Daily. “Too many people focus on the initial spark and chemistry and use this to make a decision about long-term compatibility. If you’re with someone for decades – decades! – how can you make a decision within a few hours of getting to know someone?”
Ultimately, only you and your partner know when you’re truly ready to get married, and you shouldn’t let norms or anyone else’s timeline stop you from doing what you think is right. But if you’re in a great relationship, and you’re feeling like it’s time to take it one step further, consider these signs you might be ready to do just that. (Or will be, one day!)
The saying “opposites attract” might be true for some people, but even those opposites need to find a compromise if they want to make their relationship work. If you and your partner are two totally different people — whether it be because you have opposing political or religious views, different upbringings, or different perspectives on life — managing those differences is important. “Differences are inevitable in a relationship, and I frequently see couples tear their relationship apart by doing things such as wanting their partner to change, by conveying to their partner that they are wrong, and criticizing and even being condescending toward their partner about their differences,” says Chlipala. “If you find that you can work through these differences with respect and find win-win compromises, that’s a healthy sign.”
Even the most compatible couples argue. In fact, you’d probably be hard-pressed to find a couple who has never had a single argument in their entire relationship. But the reason couples are able to move past fights is because they’re able to talk about them and put them behind them. “ Having similar ways of resolving conflict just makes communication so much easier,” says Chlipala. “And although people can be a blend, they usually prefer talking things out, being passionate and comfortable expressing intense emotions, or not addressing problems at all. A mismatch might lead to relationship instability and feelings of disconnection or dissatisfaction, and for one or both partners to escalate or shut down.” This is, of course, something you want to avoid. Make sure you talk about how you each prefer to resolve conflict, so that you can apply those methods of communication when you do argue.
Chlipala stresses that conflict is healthy if managed well. In fact, “It’s a good sign if you find that you can work through arguments without escalating into fight-or-flight,” she says. That is, the behaviors that often predict divorce, which according to Chlipala are “criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.” If you’re able to manage your arguments in a way that feels healthy, you’re on the right track. “Using and accepting repair attempts is key,” she says. “A repair attempt is any action or statement that helps de-escalate a situation. Repair attempts help stop tension and negativity from escalating. It can be as simple as ‘Let’s take a break’ to ‘I’m starting to see your point.’”
It’s so important that you and your partner have a shared vision for what you want your future to look like. If you have different goals or dream life scenarios in mind, you will either have to find a compromise, or figure out if you can live with a future that isn’t what you wanted. “Otherwise, one or both of you will have to postpone or altogether give up your dream(s),” says Chlipala. “You should be aligned with important issues like having children, starting a business or embarking on a new career, or living an adventurous lifestyle that includes moving every few years.”
Additionally, it’s important that you don’t try to change your partner’s mind if they are firm in their desires. “People waste so much time on the wrong person because they think they can get their partner to change their mind,” says Chlipala. “You should believe [them] if they say things to you such as, ‘I never want to get married,’ or, ‘I don’t want to have kids,’ or, ‘I never plan on moving out of state.’”
The beginning stages of a relationship are fun and exciting. You’re getting to know each other and you want to spend all your free time together. “We’re happy and we’ll feel like this forever!” you might think. But according to Chlipala, “You need to experience enough time in your relationship for some of the infatuation to wear off. I’ve worked with couples that got married quickly, and were opposites, but once the infatuation wore off, and they needed to co-exist in the same space and figure out their day-to-day lives, the fighting increased.”
Again, that’s not to say that people who chose to get married soon after meeting will “fail” in their marriages. Every single couple is different, and who’s to say what will happen? But if you can exercise caution before making a big decision, consider all the consequences before jumping in. If you’re able to move past the infatuation phase (commonly known as the “honeymoon phase”) and still feel loved and appreciated, that’s a good sign your love has lasting power. “It is important to feel special to your partner,” says Chlipala. “Feeling cherished increases feelings of security, safety, closeness, and trust, all of which are important to a healthy relationship. You should not feel unsure of where you stand with your partner and how they feel about you.”
A relationship with someone you can see yourself marrying is one you should feel genuinely excited about. "You can start envisioning your future home, children, and whatever you've dreamed about in the past about what your future looks like," says matchmaker and dating expert Stef Safran , of Stef and the City . According to her, the excitement and anticipation you feel about the future will likely even spill over to your "everyday mood." She says, "If you see the future with excitement, that's definitely on the right track to marriage," she says.
While being in a healthy, long-term relationship is an exciting feeling, you'll still feel a general sense of peace in your relationship when you've found the person you should marry, as if any doubts you had about your future and about this person's feelings for you have drifted away. "After the infatuation fades (and it does, on average, after 12 to 18 months), you’ll feel calm," says Chlipala. "There’s no uncertainty about your man’s feelings for you because you know he loves and adores you. He’s consistent with his affection and leaves no doubt in your mind."
"When you feel that you have someone who cares for you the way you care for them, you feel relief and hopefully a lot of happiness," says Safran. While you don't need a spouse to "save" you by any means, if you're meant to be with someone forever, you'll feel "comforted that this person is really there and cares for you like you care for them."
At the beginning of a relationship, it's natural to put up a bit of a front, or at least to want to put your best foot forward. However, continuously altering your interests, your feelings, and your personality in hopes of seeming perfect and making a relationship work is not sustainable forever. And when you're with someone you could marry one day, you won't feel like you have to alter anything about yourself.
"You can stop trying to pretend you like watching football, wearing makeup to bed, [or] admitting that you like to watch reality TV non-stop during Christmas," says Safran. "You feel like this person does accept you for not being perfect and having quirks."
At the forefront of a relationship on the road to marriage is an enormous amount of trust, both in each other and in the strength of the relationship. So when you've found someone you could marry one day, you'll not only feel like you can trust them with anything, but you'll be confident they place the same amount of trust in you. You'll know without a doubt that you're both willing to do whatever you can to ensure your relationship survives in the long run.
"You share a rock solid, mutual understanding that no matter what, both of you will stay in the game ," Dr. Venus Nicolino , Ph.D, otherwise known as Dr. V, from the hit show Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars , told Elite Daily.
At the end of the day, relationships take a lot of communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect. They’re hard work, but if you’re willing to put in your all to make it last, even if you know it’s not always going to be easy, that’s a good sign you’ll be fully invested in your marriage. Worrying about what you have to do to make it work is, to a certain degree, very normal. Wanting to do everything you can to make each other happy is normal.
"While it seems contrary to how you should feel when you've found the one, worrying about the relationship is healthy and something important that you should feel when you've found the man you're going to marry," Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com senior matchmaker and dating coach, tells Elite Daily. "It shows you are truly invested in every element of the relationship and a future together.”
So as you relish in your relationship and how happy you are, remember to take some time to explore every way it makes you feel. While it's OK to not know if this relationship is forever just yet, rest assured that, if the feelings here ring true for you, you might just marry your partner one day.
Additional reporting by Theresa Massony and Veronica Lopez.
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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may shortchange the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Posted July 13, 2013
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you may ever make. If you're in doubt, print out these ten tips and put them on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator door.
Obviously, these ten tips are just as relevant for men. My advice below is by no means for women only.
1. Don’t confuse intimacy with intensity . Intense feelings, no matter how compelling, are not a good predictor of true and enduring closeness in the future.
2. Evaluate him with your head, not just your heart . During the Velcro stage of relationships, we may automatically focus on the positive and overlook and make excuses for the negative. Be as clear and objective when evaluating a prospective partner as you would if you were hiring a candidate for an important job or a nanny for a child.
3. Become a clear observer. Observe your partner with his family and friends, and with your family and friends. Never insulate the relationship. Watch how he treats his mother, the waiter, and the dry cleaner. What kind of citizen is he in the world of work and family?
4. Observe yourself too. If you’re too accommodating, conflict-avoidant, eager to please, and desperate to make it work, you won’t get to know a prospective partner. Slow things down and practice having a clear, strong, assertive voice in the relationship. Use dating as an opportunity to practice having a strong voice and bringing more of your authentic self into the relationship.
5. Consider whether you’d want this person to be one of your best friends if you had no romantic interest . Don’t tolerate behaviors in a partner that you wouldn’t settle for in a good friend.
6. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with him . Does your time with him leave you with greater self-esteem and more zest to connect with people and projects outside the relationship? If the opposite is true, consider whether the relationship is good for you. If phone calls or time together leave you feeling diminished or down, move on.
7. Know what you can compromise on, and what you can’t. Maybe it’s not so important that he likes cheese products and he talks too loud in the movies. But some things are deal breakers. Write your own list and refer to it. It may include addictive behaviors, dishonesty, irresponsibility, defensiveness, and trouble listening, immaturity, reactivity, and so on.) When it’s a deal breaker get out sooner rather than later. Ditto if you spot a big red flag waving in your face.
8. Focus on your own life plan that neither requires nor excludes marriage . Keep your primary focus on your own goals and life plan, which will put you on firmest footing whether you marry or not. Don’t forget that there are many possibilities for intimacy and connection other than pairing up.
9. Don’t be conflict-avoidant. This is not an invitation to engage in non-productive fighting and blaming that go nowhere. But don't preserve the peace by silencing yourself. Enlarge and deepen the conversation when you’re feeling disappointed or angry. You won’t know a prospective partner (or yourself) if you don’t take the conversation to the next level and test out whether he’s defensive or fair-minded when you have a legitimate request or complaint.
10. Never believe that marriage (or having a baby) is the solution to any relationship problem. It's not. Relationships get harder, not easier, after we marry and move along the life cycle. Don’t believe in the power of your love or nagging to create something later that isn’t there right now.
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. , is the author of many books, including the New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger , and Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.
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