Teenage Dating Older Guy

Teenage Dating Older Guy
At first, dating a 21-year-old guy made 15-year-old Sarah Dessen feel excited and powerful. But walking away is what gave her true strength.
By Sarah Dessen Published: May 5, 2015
Suddenly, I had my own secrets. It made me feel powerful.
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I felt invisible for much of my teen years. Because of this, I was drawn to people like my best friend, who was dynamic and bold. She was the one who things happened to, the starting point of every story. I was the oracle, remembering each detail from my supporting role. There was safety in the shadows, but also a kind of darkness.
In tenth grade, we made friends with a group of older guys who hung out on the main street of town, which ran parallel to the local university — guys who'd once gone to our same high school and had never left the social scene. When they weren't doing BMX and skateboard tricks in front of the post office, they were spending what money they had at the nearby arcade, or spinning on stools and shooting straw wrappers in their favorite burger joint, just across the street. There was something especially cool about being friends with them. We were still at an age where our parents insisted on treating us like children. How wonderful it felt to have an "adult" who valued our opinion; thought we were not just cute but interesting.
My best friend was 14 when she fell in love with a 21 year old. (I know how that sounds: I cringe now just typing it.) But at the time, to us, it wasn't weird or taboo as much as this epic, forbidden romance. What can I say? We were so young.
My friend's older boyfriend was close with a guy I'll call T. Before long we were all hanging out together, driving around in his car: T and me in the front, my friend and her boyfriend in the back. While they made out, we made conversation, thrown together in the awkwardness of nearby coupledom. Before long, we had our own inside jokes, a shared eye-roll at yet another lover's quarrel in a small space. We talked about music, about high school, his experience then and mine now. He was a nice guy. He took an interest in me. I can't say it wasn't flattering.
One day, T. dropped me off at my house after school. My mother, spying him from the front window, asked me how old he was.
"I don't know," I said. (I did. He was 21.) "19? 20?"
Her brow furrowed. "I don't want you hanging around with someone that much older than you."
"Mom." I'm sure I rolled my eyes. "He's just a friend."
"So, no normal 20 year old wants to hang out with someone who is 15. I don't like it. Stay away from him."
This was the sort of thing that always led to my leaving the room in a teary huff, maintaining loudly that she Just Didn't Understand. Once again, she was treating me like a child, someone unable to make her own decisions.
So I lied. It didn't seem like such a big deal, as my best friend was doing nothing but sneaking around to be with her boyfriend. There is a certain thrill in deception. Suddenly, I wasn't that scared, invisible girl anymore, watching from the sidelines. I had my own secrets. It made me feel powerful.
One Saturday, the guys planned a picnic in a nearby forest park. I remember it was a gorgeous fall day, crisp and cool, and the first time I'd had Brie cheese and red wine. I was wearing a Bundeswehr tank top I'd gotten at an Army supply store and faded jeans, a thrift shop crucifix around my neck.
After awhile, my friend and her boyfriend disappeared, leaving T. and me alone. This wasn't new, of course. But as we sat there together in the sunshine, the wine buzzing my head, I suddenly felt … weird. Nervous. Like something was expected of me. I suddenly realized T. was sitting very close to me. I remember how quiet it was, birds soaring overhead, no other sound. Suddenly, I wanted to go home. I wanted my mother.
I told T. I didn't feel well and needed to go. He, in turn, went to find my friend and her boyfriend, who were none too pleased at having to leave so soon after we got there. I was causing trouble, making things difficult for everyone.
"What happened to you back there?" my friend whispered as we walked back to the car with the guys a few steps ahead.
"It just felt strange," I told her. "Like we were supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, or something."
"Well," she said slowly. "He does like you."
It was so weird. I'd completely accepted her romance with an older guy as normal, even destined. But the idea of T. feeling the same way about me made me shudder. He was a big brother, someone to pal around with. Hearing that he wanted more felt like wading into the deep end. Just like that, you lose your footing, and you're in over your head.
Extracting myself, however, was anything but easy. Once I knew T. had feelings for me, I felt strange every time I saw him. He noticed my sudden distance and pouted, unsettling to see in an adult. When he wasn't upset, he was in kindness overdrive, buying me things: a gold necklace with a floating heart, stuffed animals. I grew to dread the moments we were alone, especially when I needed a ride home at the end of the night to make my curfew. We had gotten in the habit of him driving me home, and my suddenly wanting to make different arrangements seemed to inconvenience everyone. Even worse, I couldn't say why I didn't want to go with him. All I had was my instinct and discomfort — a bad gut feeling. Everyone has those.
When I write novels, there is always a clear trajectory: the beginning, middle, climax, and end. With real life, however, and memory especially, it is harder to keep things so neat and organized. Many memories remain fuzzy, but incidents such as that day in the forest remain in crisp detail.
There are two other incidents with T. also clearly etched in my memory.
In the first, I snuck out of the house with a guy friend who lived down the street. It was late and my parents were asleep as we drove over to the house where T. lived to have some beers. At some point, my friend left to go somewhere, and for whatever reason I didn't go with him. Maybe I wasn't invited. Maybe he only stepped out to go to the store down the block. What I do remember is sitting on a couch with T., him putting on a Elton John song and telling me, in words I can't recall specifically, that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I think he put an arm around me. I don't remember what I said to him. Maybe nothing. My friend came back, we went home and I slid back into my bed. The night stops there.
The second incident I remember happened when he was giving me a ride home. This was after the night at his house, though how much later I cannot say. I just recall being almost to my house, when I told T. I didn't want to hang out with him anymore.
"You don't mean that," he told me. "That's your mom talking."
I told him that this wasn't true: it was my choice. I could see my house now, coming up ahead.
"We need to discuss this," he said.
I told him I didn't want to. That this was just how I felt.
"We'll go talk about it," he said. He wasn't slowing down. "We'll go somewhere."
My own voice — big, firm, filling the space — was a surprise to both of us. I'd been quiet for so long, worried about hurting his feelings and the ripple effects of whatever actions I took. But it's enough to say no. You don't need to offer an explanation, even if someone asks you for one.
He stopped the car with a jerk, right past the top of my driveway, and I grabbed the door handle and got out. Then he drove away.
For many years afterward, I took total blame for everything that happened between me and T. After all, I was a bad kid. I'd done drugs, I'd lied to my mom. You can't just hang out with a guy and not expect him to get ideas, I told myself. You should have known better.
But maybe he should have. When I turned 21, I remember making a point, regularly, to look at teens and ask myself whether I'd want to hang out with them, much less date one. The answer was always a flat, immediate no. They were kids. I was an adult. End of story.
In the initial years following, I never really talked about this with anyone other than my high school girlfriends and various therapists. As I got older, however, the more I realized that my experience was not an uncommon one. It seemed just about every woman I knew had a similar story, a time when wanting attention meant getting the wrong kind entirely. As a teen wishing to be an adult, it is easy to get in over your head. Especially for girls, who are often taught that being polite and sweet should override all other instincts. It was with this in mind that I began my narrator Sydney's story in Saint Anything .
I'm 44 now, married with a daughter of my own. She is only seven. The teen years loom ahead and I've experienced too much to rest easily. Like me and Sydney, she will most likely yearn for attention at one point or another. It is normal. But how can I teach her that it is just as OK to need that scrutiny to stop?
What do I want? To teach her to be wary without being fearful. To know that she can trust her gut. That if something feels wrong, that's all the reason you need to get out of there. Don't worry about being nice, or hurting someone's feelings: they'll get over it. Or, they won't, and so what? You don't have to wait, I want to tell her, until you have no choice. You have more power than you know. So say no. Say it loudly. Say it twice. And then get out of there, and come home.
Sarah Dessen's latest novel, Saint Anything , is available wherever books are sold. Check out her website and follow her on social at sarahdessen.com .
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Ask the Expert: My Daughter Wants to Date an Older Boy. Is This Okay?

Need more teen dating help? Try this article:

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Our 15-1/2 year-old daughter wants to date an almost 18-year-old boy. We have tried to discuss the age difference. He will soon be 18 and going to college.
How do we keep explaining to her the differences of their ages ? Do you think it is wrong for her to date this boy? Can a 15-year-old date an 18-year-old safely? We have met him. He is polite and quiet.
Many parents are apprehensive when their teenagers start to date. And that apprehension is exacerbated if a son or daughter chooses to date an older peer. While it raises the anxiety of parents everywhere, teen dating serves as good practice for future relationships and allows teens to consider what qualities are important to them in a relationship. Age gap dating may be one such factor, but hopefully so will things like respect, support, safety, and communication.
Your daughter’s desire to date an older boy may not match your view of whom she should date. But short of keeping her home and removing her access to technology, you’re unlikely to block her from being in contact with him.
Rather than banning the relationship, you might consider explicitly sharing your concerns with your daughter, while also acknowledging her good feelings about the relationship.
This will first involve some internal clarification around what exactly bothers you about the relationship. Are you worried that your daughter might be faced with situations she’s not yet mature enough to handle? Or are you concerned that she’ll get overly attached to a relationship that will end or change once this boy leaves for college?
Once you’ve clarified your own concerns, find a calm time to discuss them with your daughter. Something along the lines of, “We want to support your decision to date someone who makes you feel good, but we’re concerned that the difference in your ages might [insert your concern here]. Have you thought about what you’ll do if [concerning situation] comes up?”
This lets your daughter know that you’re not writing the relationship off. You are thinking about her well-being and how best to support her.
You mentioned that you’ve met this older teen. Getting to know him a bit will provide you with more information. It may also serve to ease your fears about the relationship. It also lets your daughter know that you’re not summarily dismissing the relationship, but that you do want to know more about the person with whom she wants to spend her time.
If this is your daughter’s first foray into dating, it’s a great time to outline your expectations in this area. Although they aren’t the easiest conversations to have , getting (reasonably) comfortable talking with your daughter about all that goes along with teen dating—e.g., logistical issues such as how late she can stay out and where she can go as well as larger issues such as what you want her to know about relationship qualities and sexual activity—lets her know that your aim is to support her in her desire to pursue a relationship while at the same time looking out for her safety and well-being.
Ideally, you’re able to return to these conversations over time as this and any future relationships unfold. While you may not see eye to eye on whom she should date, you’ll be cultivating a relationship that allows for honest communication and ready support as she navigates these first relationships.
Dr. Tori Cordiano is a clinical psychologist in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and Research Director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls.

By Alexis Jones Published: Jan 16, 2020
"The things that are very attractive or exciting to you right now are likely to be the same things that annoy or concern you later on."
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Like, time together **might** be an issue.
Do you get turned on by thought of a man who's got his 401K all figured out? Or maybe a salt-and-pepper beard just gets you going? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you might want to consider dating an older man.
Don't worry, you're in good company. Amal and George. Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Blake and Ryan. These celebrity couples all have age gaps that span at least 10 years. And they all seem to be making it work.
But there are a few things you should consider before jumping into a relationship like this, including emotional maturity, finances, children, ex-wives, and so much more. So I tapped two relationship experts, Chloe Carmichael , PhD, and Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, to break down the most important things you should consider before dating an older man.
"We don't really know who someone is for the first two to six months of a relationship," Hendrix says. So it's really important to ask yourself why you're so attracted to any person, but especially one that's significantly older than you.
You could be projecting stereotypes on to them just because of their age, Hendrix says. Maybe you think they're more settled or assume that they travels lot because you met on vacation in Tulum, but the truth is they're not even looking for commitment and they only go on vacation once a year. If you're attracted to someone older, Hendrix usually advises her clients to just bounce the idea off of someone you trust first.
If your S.O. is an older man, he may have a more flexible work schedule (or even be retired, if he's way older), which means more free time for you. This can be refreshing for many women, says Hendrix, especially if you're used to dating guys who don't know what they want (out of life or in a relationship). But the truth is, this grateful feeling can be fleeting.
"The things that are very attractive or exciting to you right now are likely to be the same things that annoy or concern you later on," Hendrix says. Fast-forward a year into the relationship, and his less-than-busy schedule could feel stifling, Hendrix warns. Maybe he wants to go on romantic weekend getaways every Friday, but you can't leave work until 8 or 9 p.m. because you're still climbing the corporate ladder and have a **few** more years of grinding to do. You may find that you two have different ideas about how you want to spend your time together.
On the flip side, you might find that an older man has less time for you than you'd hoped. If he's in an executive-level position at a company, he might work late nights, which means dinners out with you aren't going to happen often. Or perhaps he's just a man of routine (fair, at his age), and work has trumped everything else for so long, quality time just isn't on the top of his priority list. Are you cool with this? If not, and this is the case, you might want to have a chat—or date younger.
Yes, I said it! He's been in the game longer than you, which means he could be more emotionally intelligent. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. You want someone who knows how to fight and handle conflict, Hendrix says.
But you have to be sure you're on the same emotional maturity level as him. Otherwise, "all of the things that can tend to make a relationship work—shared experience, values, communication, ability to handle conflict—could become obstacles or areas of disconnect," Hendrix says.
An older man might not want to play the back-and-forth games of a younger gentleman. Instead, he might be super direct and feel comfortable saying exactly what's on his mind, Carmichael says. But are you? Dating an older man might require you to become more vulnerable and let down a few your typical guards.
Dating today is hard with a capital H. Some much-needed guidance to make it easier:
If he's got more than a couple years on you, then he's likely had a couple more relationships, too. And one of them may have even ended in divorce. Again—not a bad thing. If your man has been through a marriage that didn't work out, "they tend to approach the second marriage with more care and wisdom, bringing along lessons they learne
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