Teaching Step Daughter
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Teaching Step Daughter
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'I can't accept it': A mum has revealed her heartbreak and disgust after making the shocking discovery.
Amy Sinclair / Lifestyle / Updated 18.10.2020
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Warning: Content in this story may distress some readers
A mum has revealed her heartbreak after discovering that two of her children are in a relationship together.
The mother said she was shocked to learn her son and step-daughter - who’ve been living together as a family since they were toddlers - had formed a romantic bond.
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Sharing on Reddit, she said she refuses to accept their relationship and says it makes her “sick and angry”.
“When my son Nathan was two, he met a friend in his daycare class, who we’ll call Abby,” she said.
“Her dad, Jack, was one of the only other single parents there, as his wife had left after Abby was born.
“Jack and I bonded over our children and ended up dating for a year and a half before getting married, and we had our daughter Eliza less than a year later.
“Jack and I always raised all three of our children the same, and though they knew that Nathan had a different dad and Abby had a different mum, we had never thought to question if they saw each other as siblings.”
The mum went on to say that her life was tipped upside down last week when Nathan and Abby admitted they’d been in a romantic relationship for the past few years.
“She said that it happened after they were both adults, that they had gone to relationship counselling when it first started and that they were seriously thinking about marriage,” she said.
“Nathan then told us that they had admitted to having feelings for each other as teenagers, but had never acted on it because they were afraid of ruining their friendship, hurting each other, and most of all what we would think.
“At this point, Jack looked at me, grabbed my hand and hugged our children.
“He told them that he was sorry for us keeping them apart and that he ‘could tell how happy they are together’.
Since Nathan and Abby confessed their love, the mum said she’s struggled to cope.
“I haven’t responded to any of their messages or calls, and pretended I wasn’t home when they tried to visit during the day,” she said.
“I’ve been fighting with Jack since this happened, even so far as telling him ... they would never have my blessing, and I would put them both in therapy for having incestuous desires.
“This really upset him, and the fighting got so bad that I had him sleep in the guest house.
“I’ve never gone this long without talking to my children. I’ve never fought my husband. He’s even threatened me with divorce.
“I have no idea how to navigate this, and every time I think about it their whole relationship just makes me sick and angry.”
Many Reddit users sympathised with the mum’s reaction.
“Nathan and Abby were raised as siblings since they were toddlers and share a sibling not much younger than them,” said one.
“This isn’t a case of you and Jack meeting when your children were all grown, or possibly a much younger sibling they didn’t see much or even living in different houses throughout their childhoods.
“They were raised as brother and sister, and while they don’t share blood, they do have a sister together.
“I think your reaction is completely normal and justified.”
Added another: “It doesn’t matter if they technically don’t share blood.
“They were raised together as siblings since they were three years old, which is about as far back as any of us can remember. This is messed up.”
But others believed there was nothing wrong with the siblings dating, given they’re not related by blood.
“They are adults and it sounds like they took the correct steps before starting a relationship,” said another.
“Perhaps, you should consider therapy to work through your issues with their relationship.
“After all, they aren’t biologically related so this isn’t incest.
“You can’t force them to feel like siblings just because they grew up together.”
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Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
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Seattle, WA
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Mental Health
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Anxiety
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Autism
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Depression
Eating Disorders
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Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
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Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted May 10, 2018
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
As a mom to daughters ages 13, 15, and 23, I’ve made many mistakes and will no doubt make more. In my yearning to maintain an emotional connection with them while encouraging independence, I’ve conferred with friends and family and read many books. (One of my favorites is Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour.) All girls are different, but regardless of their personality and circumstances, our teenage daughters contend with a barrage of challenges including surging hormones , mixed messages, and social pressures. I’m still trying to do better by my daughters, but here are 10 goals all parents of teen girls can try to reach. They’re challenging to meet, yet rewarding to achieve. Teenage girls have a way of disrupting our well-intentioned rational behavior, so forgive yourself for slipping, and then reset your efforts.
Let’s start with this very basic teenage girl response, which can make any parent’s blood boil. They all do it! Don’t give them the power by overreacting to this almost instinctual teenage tic. Shake it off, but feel free to bring it up later when things have calmed down: “When you roll your eyes at me, it makes it hard to have a mature conversation with you,” you might say. Try to focus on the fact that eye rolls are a sign that your daughter is beginning to judge and think for herself. It’s annoying, but it’s also developmentally appropriate, and she’ll eventually grow out of it.
2. Don’t confuse sexy with sexual .
All three of my daughters have shocked me with skimpy outfits; depending on the occasion, I’ve either had them change or held my Puritan tongue. When they put on very short shorts or revealing tops, I cringe at the message they’re sending. But the truth is, they aren’t trying to invite the male gaze. Instead, they’re trying on what they believe is a more womanly appearance. Parents have to decide what they are comfortable with, but it’s useful to remember that dressing sexy is not about wanting sex. Of course, it’s important to discuss the societal messages inherent in their self-presentation, but not in the heat of the moment. Choose a calm, connected moment to explain that dressing like the Kardashians shouldn’t be equated with adulthood.
3. Go beyond the birds and the bees.
Because talking about sex is awkward, parents tend to get “the talk” out of the way and hope for the best. But that doesn’t cut it. In her book Girls & Sex , Peggy Orenstein explains that while girls expect equality in the classroom and on the playing field, they’re still being pressured to engage in sexual activity that is too often sexist and demeaning. Our daughters deserve more dialogue before finding themselves in situations where they’re being pushed into sexual behavior. For example, what should they do or say if kissing turns into unwanted touching? Too many girls go along with sexual advances that make them feel ashamed or distressed. As parents, we need to demystify the pressures that they’ll inevitably face.
Teens are egomaniacs. It’s developmentally normal for them to focus on their problems and their desires. Don’t expect them to notice that you might be having a hard day, or that their request for expensive shoes is unreasonable. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t discuss empathy or frugality, but don’t be surprised at how selfish they can be. Remind yourself that it’s normal and temporary.
5. Use caution when discussing their friends.
During the teen years, girls shift their focus from family to their tribe of friends — and this tribe might be doing things you don’t approve of. However, as tempting as it is to say something negative about a girl who is being mean to your daughter or pressuring her to engage in negative behaviors, use caution. If she shares this with you, try not to overreact or disparage the friend. Take a breath, and be happy that she’s opening up to you. Discuss the problem calmly to assess its severity. Is your daughter unloading, or is she asking for your assistance? If you withhold judgment and criticism, the two of you are more likely to forge a plan when this happens again. You don’t want your daughter to regret coming to you, shut down, or shut you out completely.
Teenage girls can be rude, obnoxious, and cruel. They know how to say things that hurt and push your buttons. Instead of getting into an argument or allowing your daughter to escalate the situation, just say, “You aren’t allowed to speak to me like that. Let’s talk about this another time.” Or consider a small punishment — I usually take away their phone for a day if they mistreat me. It’s important for them to learn that bad behavior has ramifications. It’s even more important for you to stay calm and remember that your teen is a sea of raging hormones. Don’t hold it against them or give them the silent treatment. Negotiation and conversation are always better than scare tactics, hysteria, and ultimatums.
Being a teenager is confusing and demanding, and presents a minefield of tricky decisions. Your daughter will seem very mature one day and then silly and giggly the next. But as much as we want to connect, we don’t want to be their buddy. Teens need us to be their moral compass and to be in charge. When they know our rules — even when they break them — they feel safe. Make them feel safe by being consistent and compassionate, authoritative not authoritarian. Parents who buy their kids beer or lie for them might feel cool in the moment, but they are undermining their role as parents. Teens, like all children, need to be parented.
8. Let them learn from small failures.
It’s no fun to watch any child struggle, but often parents are even more protective of their daughters. But a big part of building a sense of self-worth and resiliency is the ability to bounce back from a setback. Don’t bail your daughter out of a science project she procrastinated about or write a note to her teacher if she didn’t do her homework. Allow your daughter to learn from the difficult situation and realize that the world doesn’t come to an end if she screws up. Facing consequences and overcoming challenges is part of becoming a resilient adult. Too many teens lack the fortitude to make it in college because of parental intervention. Be there for support, but don’t rescue your daughter from important small failures.
9. Help your daughter become critical.
Social media, television, and magazines are selling our daughters a distorted view of women. Take time to help your daughter think critically about the unrealistic images they’re presented of models and movie stars. Teach her about all the effort that goes into making women in the media look perfect, such as airbrushing and plastic surgery. I also like to point out that there are industries that profit if she feels less attractive. A healthy dose of critical thinking will go far toward preserving her self-worth and promoting confidence in who she is, not who she thinks she should be.
10. Own up to your own bad behavior.
Only a saint can parent a teen without having a few moments she’s ashamed of. If you’ve resorted to shouting, shaming, or throwing your power around, you’re not alone. But you need to acknowledge your bad behavior and move forward. Take ownership by apologizing. An apology will go far in terms of role modeling and building connection. Show your daughter that being an adult doesn’t mean being perfect, but it does mean admitting to your mistakes and making amends.
Enjoy the wonderful times with your daughter, and remember that even in the tough moments, you’re helping her become a confident woman whose company you will enjoy for many years to come.
Marika Lindholm, Ph.D. , taught at the J.L. Kellogg Graduate School of Management at Northwestern University and is the founder of of ESME.com (Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere).
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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