Talking While Having Sex
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Talking While Having Sex
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Fancy bringing something fresh into your usual sexual routine? If you’re in a long-term relationship and you're ready to take play time up a notch, or you simply like the idea of trying new things, talking dirty to your lover could be a good idea.
Forget what's in your pants for a moment. Your mind is actually your most powerful sexual organ – and dirty talk can activate the erogenous zones of the brain: the hypothalamus and amygdala.
Yep, the right words spoken at the right time can seriously supercharge your sex drive. To back this theory up, in a survey carried out by Superdrug Online Doctor , 90% of the participants felt aroused by erotic talk with their partner.
Having said that, if you’re shy or feel at all anxious, the idea of saying saucy things out loud might be a bit scary. But according to Silva Neves , an Accredited Psychosexual and Relationship Psychotherapist, articulating just what you want from your bae – and expressing how much you're enjoying yourself – can inject serious passion into your sex life. So how do you get started?
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to talking dirty. What’s important is discovering the type of language and vocabulary that you and your partner find sexy. Try the following 13 tips out for size and see where the words take you...
Anxious about divulging your darkest fantasies right away? There is no rush, so move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. This could mean simply opening up the conversation with your partner to gauge their feelings on the subject, or sending a text with a compliment about how hot they look. Anticipation can be incredibly sexy , so even thinking about what you’d like to say could be enough to get you in the mood.
Your phone can be a handy tool when it comes to dirty talk, especially if you’re feeling shy. Start by sending flirty texts and see where it takes you. Once your confidence has grown, go old school and pick up the phone.
It’s much easier to talk dirty from a distance and whispering to each other from afar can be seriously sexy. To supercharge your phone sex voice, use your favourite sex toy while you’re on the call. We're big fans of this clitoral suction stimulator . But be warned, it's likely to make you climax pretty fast.
If you’re feeling tongue-tied, turn the mic around and try asking some probing questions. Start with: what turns you on? What would you like me to do to you? What is your favourite position? And see where it takes you. You can learn a lot about your lover and turn up the heat for you both simply by being curious.
It sounds simple, but something as small as showing enthusiasm and putting your GameFace on can make your partner feel desired, which will in turn make them more receptive to the mood.
So don't be shy, say how you feel out loud and see what happens. As soon as your lover senses the atmospheric shift, they are bound to play along.
If you're shy, anxious, or just not great with words, use the 21st century tools at your disposal and Facetime your other half before you see them. Close the doors, light some candles, slip into your favourite underwear and press the video button.
Sometimes pictures can say more than words, and the sight of your smiling face will surely set their heart racing
Erotica and pornography are great sources of inspiration for dirty talk and can help you figure out what ticks your boxes. If you’re not ready to subscribe to PornHub, try a second viewing of Bridgerton for some simple but sexy one-liners. In the words of Lady Bridgerton, "I Burn… For You!”
There's a reason that the romance genre accounts for a huge percentage of adult book fiction sales across the UK. Reading about sex is sexy. Reading about sex out loud to your lover is even sexier. So, treat your beloved to a book of erotic short stories . Reading from a page can also take the fear out of not knowing what to say, and the stories in this book are frankly rather steamy.
If you’d prefer to ease yourself into sexy chat, invite your lover over, open the wine and suggest a card game. This deck of Talk Dirty Playing Cards is the perfect way to get the words flowing without giving you stage fright. Each card comes with a sexy phrase and instruction, so you’ll both be dirty talk pros within the hour. Or to really turn the heat up, this Tease & Please Truth or Dare Card Game will quickly get you both in the mood.
Sex toys can help with almost every sexual scenario, so try adding some gadgets into the mix. Head over to sex toy retailer Lovehoney and ask your partner to help you choose what to buy together. Discussing your likes and dislikes over a shopping cart can be surprisingly arousing, and the anticipation of waiting for the post to arrive will work as great foreplay. If you're not sure where to start, we can recommend this 10-piece wild weekend couple's sex toy kit for fun explorations, or this Rabbit love ring will stimulate the right bits during penetrative sex. We’ll take next day delivery please.
Certain aspects of dirty talk might go down better than others, so remain receptive but be honest about the type of pillow talk that you’d prefer to avoid. Some people get turned on by language like ‘slut’ or 'dirty girl', while others might find it offensive and a total turn-off.
‘Talking to your partner and getting to know their sensitivities and their values is important,’ says Silva. ‘Some people think that name-calling is unacceptable because of values or because they were name-called as a child.’ If you’d rather be called honey bunny or even your actual name, tell your partner! Honesty is always the best policy.
We all have enough to worry about without adding the stress of getting our sexy chat spot on every time. Relax and focus on saying what feels natural, so you can stay present and enjoy the moment. Chances are, your partner fancies the arse off you and would shag you even if you sang show tunes, so take the pressure off and have fun.
Creating your secret love language and finding the right phrases to use can be an important aspect of establishing trust and intimacy in a relationship. But after a while it can become predictable, so try mixing it up. ‘Dirty talk might have less erotic power over time, but you don’t need to change the theme,’ says Silva. ‘For example, if you get turned on by sexy names, simply change your pet name every once in a while.’
In the above mentioned Superdrug survey, 44% of participants said that hearing their other half moan in ecstasy turned them on the most because it 'produces a physical and tangible representation of pleasure and offers a sign to someone’s partner that the interaction is enjoyable.'
If you’re game for anything but need some hot tips, give some of the below sentences a go. Keeping the channels of communication flowing can be sexy in the moment, and also provide useful tips for future sex sessions.
If our guide to dirty talk didn’t convince you to start whispering sweet nothings in the bedroom tonight, there are myriad plus points to talking dirty during sex that will have you hollering your partner’s name all night long.
Talking dirty with a partner can help you better understand each other’s sexual preferences, making you both feel more comfortable and sexually satisfied. ‘It can help to shift the focus from being sexy, to doing sex,’ says Silva.
Receiving and giving verbal feedback on what feels good in bed can be great for everyone's sexual confidence. ‘Talking dirty is sometimes associated with an erotic sense of self, meaning that people can connect with a part of themselves that enhances their sexual expression,’ says Silva.
‘So, calling a partner a particular sexy name or adjective might allow them to feel or behave more in-line with that part of themselves.’
Openly sharing what you want from a sexual encounter with a partner can lead to positive experimentation. ‘Talking dirty can be linked to stories and fantasies, so a consensual demand to have something sexual done to you can enhance the power play,’ says Silva. This bondage kit for beginners will also help set the scene.
Let’s be honest, sometimes you just aren’t up for physically getting down. On those days, talking dirty can be a good filler. ‘It can help with maintaining an erotic energy in the relationship, especially during times when people don’t feel sexual or when they’re not in the mood to get physical,’ says Silva.
What better reason to experiment with talking dirty than a bit of well-deserved enjoyment? Throw this Couple’s Sex Toy Starter Kit into the mix to really get the party started. Just don't forget the lube ...
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In the post-#MeToo dating world, dirty talk can be a minefield. Here's how to do it in a way that's respectful — and sexy.
About a year and a half ago, I had my first bad experience with dirty talk . I'd been seeing this guy Will* for a few months, and we were having sex. Then, all of a sudden, smack in the middle of it, he leaned down, pressed his lips against my ear, and hissed, “You like that, don’t you, you dirty little slut?”
Now, we’d both done some pretty intense dirty talk in the past. But there was something about being called a slut during sex that stopped me cold. I immediately asked Will to stop what he was doing, and we talked about what had just happened. He was apologetic, and he never used that word again in my presence.
Don’t get me wrong — I love some good dirty talk. But in the wake of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements , I've been forced to reckon with my own history of harassment. And while I recognize that some women are turned on by hearing words like "slut" and "whore" during sex, for me, it just doesn't sit well.
I'm not alone in this regard. MensHealth.com polled 57 women in their 20s and 30s about their dirty talk preferences, and whether or not they've changed post-#MeToo. While the vast majority of women, or 92%, said they enjoyed hearing dirty talk during sex, many of the women we surveyed (22%, to be precise) said they viewed dirty talk more negatively post-#MeToo.
“I feel like language is a very accurate portrait of our societies, and since #MeToo, there are some words I don’t feel comfortable with," says Chiara, 22. "Some words are just too aggressive." Ariel, 24, agrees: "The #MeToo movement has empowered me to go on the defense real quick."
"Since #MeToo, there are some words I don’t feel comfortable with."
This obviously leaves dudes in a bit of a quandary. If your partner is into dirty talk, how do you know where the line is? And how do you know which words are OK and which ones aren't?
Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all manual for how to talk dirty — but that’s no reason to give up entirely. We asked sex and dating experts and real women what they wanted to hear (and didn't want to hear) in bed. By following these guidelines, you’ll be dirty talking like a gentleman in no time.
Just like anything else that has to do with sex, preferences in dirty talk “vary from person to person,” sex therapist Amie Harwick , PhD, MFT, tells MensHealth.com . That's why “talking about sexy talk prior to engaging in it is the easiest and most simple answer.”
Even though this conversation seems awkward to bring up, there are easy ways to have it. “The best opener involves taking the focus off of you,” says sexologist Megan Stubbs . “It’s easy to say ‘Hey, I was reading that some women don’t like to dirty talk during sex. Is that true?’” That way, you can open up the discussion without being accusatory, and gauge what your partner is and isn't into.
The invention of the smartphone has been a blessing for many reasons, chief among them that it makes setting the stage for dirty talk a lot easier. If you've already sexted with your partner (and 74% of Americans say they have ), then you already have a pretty good sense of what kind of dirty talk they're into.
In fact, your partner might prefer sexting to dirty talk. "Dirty talk in general makes more sense during sexting to me than it does IRL, because IRL I want it to be more specific, and more about what's happening in the moment," says Jeanne*, 27. "I feel more comfortable with someone I know (or at least have sexted with) dirty talking than I do with a one-night stand."
So you've both established that you're into dirty talk, and you've started having sex. This is a good time to start testing the waters. Dirty talk doesn’t always have to go immediately to pejorative phrasing: you can start out by just sticking to describing what you're doing. "You feel so good," or "I can't wait to get you naked," or "It feels so good when you throw your legs over my shoulder," are inoffensive and really hot.
Pay attention to both verbal (i.e., she starts talking dirty to you back) and non-verbal cues. “Positive signs include heavy breathing, and if your partner is leaning into you,” Stubbs says. If your partner starts to tense up, or looks a little scared, then it might be a good idea to stop and ask how they’re doing. “If things are really going in the right direction, a two-second break to check in isn’t going to ruin that momentum,” Stubbs says.
The thing about dirty talk that's so tricky is it's not just dependent on your partner's individual likes and dislikes — it depends on context, too. "It's less [about] the vocabulary and more the attitude behind it," says Meg, 29. "If there's anger behind the words instead of warmth/playfulness, I dry right up."
That's why it's important to keep it light and playful, even in the heat of the moment. If she seems turned off by something you've said, feel free to make a joke about it or say, "Sorry. Was that too far? You're just so sexy that I'm not thinking straight." She'll probably laugh, which will lighten the mood, and you guys can continue with your regularly scheduled programming. Sex is supposed to be fun — there's no reason why you guys have to take it so seriously.
If you’re unsure what is and what isn’t OK, describe what is currently happening in this very sexual situation. Use adjectives to up the hotness, without going overboard.
For example, words like hot, tight, wet, hard, etc. are positive, sexy words that likely won’t offend, but will give you room to talk dirty. For example, if you’re in missionary and making out, you can say, “I love tasting your hot mouth on mine.” or “It feels so good to be inside you so tight and deep. Your body is so hot.”
“I like when a guy tells me how sexy I am when we’re getting it on. I mean, I already feel a little self-conscious so knowing that I’m hot and he’s into my body gives me a boost,” says Britney, 28.
Unless you've discussed it beforehand and your partner is OK with it, there is absolutely zero reason to boss your partner around or demand that they perform certain sex acts. That can lead to her feeling pressured or coerced into doing things she doesn't want to do, and there's nothing sexy about that.
"There is a fine line between dirty talk and abusive/degrading talk," says Caroline, 28. "I don't mind being told I'm sexy or even talked about my body, but I am now more aware of the importance of putting a hard stop at any talk that crosses the line into submission or that puts pressure on me to do something I wouldn't do without prompting."
So instead of using declarative language — i.e., "give me a blow job," etc. — say something like, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you giving me a blow job all day. I love seeing your lips wrapped around me." That way, you've made your intentions clear, without making her feel coerced or pressured.
We cannot stress this enough: different women enjoy different things during sex, and that applies to dirty talk as well. While one woman may be turned on by hardcore or degrading dirty talk, another might find it totally repugnant. That said, there are a few words that are probably wise to avoid right off the bat, particularly if you're early on in a relationship.
Thirty percent of the women we polled, for instance, said they absolutely hated hearing the word "bitch" during sex; "slut" and "whore" were a close second and third, at 24% and 22%. "I've been called a slut too many times in earnest to get off on it," says Layla, 21. Evelyn, 35, agreed: "anything that implies I'm just there to be used for their pleasure is an instant turnoff." So unless she specifically says it's OK for you to use that type of language, steer clear of it, full stop.
Leila, 23, says that even though she really likes dirty talk, when she hears a guy ask her to call him daddy, "bells will go off in my head. Like why is he trying to make me submissive? Is me calling him daddy making me less empowered?," says Leila. So, again, unless she specifically says it's
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