Spectatoring

Spectatoring
Last updated on June 17, 2022 by April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.
When A Guy Calls You Babe (11 Things It Could Mean)
What Do Emojis Mean From Guys? (21 Things It Could Mean)
Husband Undermines My Parenting (25 Ways A Husband Could Undermine His Spouse's Parenting)
How To Be A Good Girlfriend (31 Ways To Be The Best Girlfriend To Your Boyfriend)
Loveless Marriage (19 Signs You’re In One)
Love Triangle Advice (13 Ways To Deal With Love Triangles)
11 Examples Of Mixed Signals From Guys (What They Really Mean & How You Should Handle Them)
How To Get Closure From Him (15 Steps You Need To Take Now!)
How To Make Someone Think Of You (7 Ways To Make Sure You’re On His Mind)
Does Love At First Sight Exist? (5 Signs You Have That Love At First Sight Feeling)
Welcome to Ask April! My name is April and I hope you find what you're looking for on my site.
Copyright © 2004 - 2022 by AskApril.com
Spectatoring during sex can be detrimental to the overall sexual experience, being overly conscious when making love to your partner could be referred to as the opposite of enjoying sex . Trying to ensure that everything is perfect, can make you lose track of the moment and kill your sexual desire .
Since it’s a natural thing for people to be concerned about their performance in bed, it’s no surprise that spectatoring during sex occurs commonly. This article will tell you all you need to know about the spectatoring – why it’s happening to you, how you can make it stop, and in turn, have a better sex life.
The name spectatoring was coined by sex researchers from the ’60s, named Masters and Johnson. It is referred to an overly conscious state of mind that occurs during sex, where a person has distracting thoughts of how they are seen by their partners physically, rather than focusing on the overall sexual experience.
They spend time analyzing their body movements and judging their actions , which can, in turn, take their mind off reacting adequately to the sensation of the moment.
Spectatoring most times can lead to sexual dysfunction, and for women, the inability to have an orgasm, or be satisfied during sex. The more distracting thoughts you have, the more you’re bound to have spectator sex, this can, as a matter of fact, ruin your sex life .
Spectatoring is caused by a number of reasons, and finding out the distinctive reason why it happens to you, can help you work towards making it stop. This article lays down five likely causes of such distraction during sex, and how to stop thinking about sex so much.
If you’re wondering how to stop thinking about sex too much, and simply concentrate on the act itself, you need to consider the possibility that you have sexual dysfunction .
Past events can cause intimacy problems in people, especially sexual abuse and similar forms of abuse. When a person tends to feel violated, due to a negative occurrence in the past, it can affect their ability to remain focused during sex.
Overthinking sex becomes the norm, followed by not being comfortable enough to enjoy the moment.
Trauma is another condition that can cause a person to dislike intimacy and not pay enough attention to it. The underlying effect of it can cause disconnection in many situations, and may even affect the relationship.
Understanding the major cause of your intimacy problem might help you analyze the real reason why you’re spectatoring and teach you how to focus during sex. Other possible causes of spectatoring due to intimacy problems include depression and anxiety. When a person is overwhelmed with worries or emotional pain , there’s inevitably a chance that spectator sex will occur.
Talking to a counselor or therapist can help you find out the cause of your problem, in order to work towards getting better. More so, when you identify the cause of your distraction during sex, ensure you constantly see a professional, and make conscious efforts to prevent it from affecting your thoughts.
For some people, it’s quite easy to have spontaneous thoughts about things to do, past events, or things yet to happen. It can come at fairly odd times, and even during sex. In order to combat having distracting thoughts, you can engage in therapeutic actions, such as writing things down.
The more you write down what’s on your mind, chances are, it will stop lingering around in your head when you’re supposed to be focused on something else. Even so, ensure you have everything planned out, before settling down to have sex with your partner.
You can also learn to offload most of your thoughts by talking to someone about them. This can instantly give you relief and stop you from spectatoring. More so, if you’ve had any dispute with your partner, try to settle it before you engage in sex. This will give you a clear and undistracted mind, and further prevent spectator sex.
Try relaxing therapies like drinking chamomile tea, or perhaps engage in any activity you deem comforting, before engaging in sexual activities . The less agitated you are, the fewer chances of unsolicited thoughts running through your mind.
One of the likely reasons why you would be distracted during sex is because you have issues with your body image. Better explained, you may feel insecure about certain parts of your body, maybe your part of the ‘itty-bitty committee, or have stretch marks or fat in certain places.
This insecurity might be the reason why your mind wanders during sexual activities, followed by an active judgment or criticism of one’s self, or trying to make yourself look perfect. Tackling the root of your image issues can be a great way to stop yourself from being distracted when having sex.
You can also make efforts to look good before having sex; wearing sexy lingerie might just boost your confidence. Another thing you should realize is that your partner isn’t as critical or judgmental of your body as you think. If they’re having sex with you, it means they are indeed sexually attracted to you. In plain words, they find your body attractive enough to want to have sex with you .
This naturally counters any motive they would have to be critical of your body. More so, being overly concerned about your body during sex, is a counterproductive measure that would only deprive you of experiencing the moment.
Nevertheless, to help stop the act of spectatoring, you should consider seeing a psychologist, or therapist, to help you get out of the situation. When you begin the process, understand that it will take time to adjust to an improved mindset about your body, and would demand patience for positive results to show.
In the meantime, try to refrain from viewing yourself in a negative way, and learn to appreciate all the good qualities of your body parts.
Both men and women tend to compare themselves with their partner’s ex-lovers, which can in turn, make them overly critical of their performance. This happens to a lot of people, even to the most confident lovers, distracting thoughts of whether they’re performing well will overwhelm them enough to make them absent from the moment, and start spectatoring.
Thinking you’re not good enough for your partner, or not able to measure up, would definitely take a toll on the relationship . You’ll find yourself refraining from certain things due to fear of criticism; or in other cases, trying to be perfect so you can measure up.
Performance anxiety only makes you behave in ways you wouldn’t normally behave, and this can send misinterpreting signals to your partner. More so, it can cause a level of disconnection between the two parties, especially when one party cannot understand why the other is behaving that way.
Coming clean about your fears to your partner can be an instant therapy for your condition. Hearing the opinions of your significant other on certain misconceptions you might be having, would be calming enough to make you evade the feeling of not measuring up.
In the long run, if you feel that your fears are bigger than simply having a discussion with your significant other, then you should also consider seeing a therapist to help you through the situation. This may, in turn, stop you from spectatoring.
One reason why a person ends up being distracted during intercourse is that they aren’t quite satisfied with what they’re getting. Even so, they might not know how to tell their partners about it. If you feel you prefer other methods , other than the one your significant other is using – but you don’t know how to properly express this – then the cause of your distraction in sex might simply be shyness.
The more you accept what your significant other prefers to do, the more you would find it hard to focus in bed. More so, it will only increase your distraction during sex, finding a plausible way to open up about your desires is the best thing to do. A recommended way is requesting for a sit and talk, or perhaps, simply having a casual conversation.
Talking in the midst of sexual activity can make the other person feel incompetent, which is why it’s best to do it outside the bedroom. Ensure that your significant other gets the bulk of the message, and is willing to try new things with you, even if you don’t exactly know what you want to do.
You can also open up to your significant other about your distractions, which they can help you to resolve. They can help you find new ways to establish focus, and in turn, help you enjoy the moment like you should.
Stop rushing . Sometimes, life's frenetic rhythm does not make it easy to have a complete sexual relationship in terms of foreplay and exploration of the body. However, giving yourself time for these little pleasures of sex, and not focusing only on intercourse, can be a way to increase concentration and enjoyment. This encourages the mind to focus on the here and now.
One of the most common results of the absence of sex is higher levels of anxiety and stress. When a woman has sex, her brain releases endorphins that generate an analgesic effect and a feeling of well-being. This happens with both men and women.
To do this, it is essential to think about what you are doing. Stop thinking about anything else that has nothing to do with what you are doing and feeling. You have to help your mind not to move away from the situation and the sensations you are experiencing.
You might have some kind of sex addiction . It is a classic behavioral addiction, just like a work and gambling addiction. People with an addiction can no longer control their behavior at will. In severe cases, sex addicts only have one thing on their minds- sex. They withdraw and satisfy themselves over and over again. With or without a partner, it doesn't matter.
The are many reasons why people have sex . The first is due to reproduction. Secondly, sex is pleasurable, healthy, and, above all, ubiquitous. The other side is much less talked about: pornography. Some people are just addicted.
Did you enjoy this article on spectatoring? If you feel that none of the above-listed causes of spectatoring pertains to you, then you should consider seeing a professional to appropriately find out the problem. Kindly leave a comment below, and share this article with your friends if you enjoyed it.
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.

Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .

Sometimes during sex, I'm too focused on my performance and appearance to actually enjoy it. At best, my mind simply wanders; at worst, I'm thinking about what my body looks like instead of what it feels like. How do I stop? —Distracted Lover

You are not alone. What you are experiencing is what sex therapists often call spectatoring, a term coined by the legendary '60s sex researchers known as Masters and Johnson. What it comes down to is being overly conscious of yourself, your partner, or how your partner views you during sex, and it usually shows up as a critical internal dialogue or distracting thoughts, when what you really want to be doing is focusing on your own and your partner's sensations.

Spectatoring is essentially the opposite of being "in the moment" during sex. You are so busy analyzing the situation and judging yourself that you can't fully enjoy the sexual experience—instead, sex becomes a spectator sport. Often, spectatoring can cause anxiety or even sexual dysfunction. But at the very least, it's a libido killer; research shows that women who engage in spectator sex are less satisfied, have fewer real orgasms, and have more fake more orgasms. And we don't want that for you.

There are a number of reasons why people spectator, but before I get into the most common triggers and tools tailored to each one, I want to share one method that can help put an end to almost any kind of spectatoring.

VIDEO: Kim Kardashian Posted Naked Pictures in Honor of Her New Fragrance

Yes, there's a fix, but it's not necessarily an easy one: In order to put the kibosh on your wandering mind, you have to practice mindfulness. This means quieting the destructive and distracting voices in your head so you can focus on the present and completely immerse yourself in the feelings and sensations. To do this, you need to shift from a goal-oriented mindset (looking hot, reaching climax) to a process-oriented one (sensation).

Try practicing this exercise solo before your next doubles match: Explore your body as though you have never touched yourself before, not just there but everywhere , including spots you don't think of as erotic. No toys, no porn, no fantasy, no distractions. As you move your hands over different body parts, take notice of the sensations. Feel your breath moving in and out. Be aware of all the feelings you experience, good or bad, as you explore your body. Notice what it is like physically and emotionally to be so present with yourself. Resist the urge to hurry or get to the climax. If you do get there, try to stay in your body, focusing on what you feel as you do.

This is a good starting point for mindful sex, but know that spectatoring isn't an issue that goes away overnight. Like with lifting weights, repetition strengthens the muscle and its ability to perform over time.

That's the what. But understanding why your mind isn't where you want it to be during sex can also push you toward a solution. Here are some of the most common reasons we spectator and what you can do about it.

Negative thoughts about your body can have a host of damaging effects, including destroying your sexual desire. It's no wonder that you're unable to enjoy the bodily pleasures of sex if you're eyeing your own body with a critical lens or wondering what your partner may be thinking about your appearance during the act. It's easy to say, "Stop paying attention; your partner is far less critical of your body than you are" (though it's true—they are, after all, having sex with you). To get the most out of your sex life—hell, out of your life—you need to get to the bottom of where your body image issues come from.

That requires a lot of independent work and, possibly, work with a therapist, even if you are not one of the 20 million American women who have eating disorders . I've never met a woman who hasn't at some point struggled with issues relating to body image, and many women have what psychologists call subclinical eating disorders, meaning they they don't have all of the symptoms that make up anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa but have enough to impact their lives. If that describes you, see a licensed therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But regardless of the severity, it is important to address these issues. In addition to talk therapy and self-care, books like Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works and my app No More Diets app —based on my my doctoral dissertation, my own personal recovery, and the methods I use in my private practice—can be helpful.

Performance anxiety is not just for men. Women who worry that they're not "getting there" fast enough, compare themselves to previous lovers, or worry they're not being sexy enough all have versions of performance anxiety. Nothing kills the sexual experience or pulls you out of your body faster than that self-criticism. If this is the case, it is time to have a conversation with your bae about your fears and anxieties. If they're is not able to help calm your fears, a good sex therapist can.

It can be very challenging going from boss lady or mommy mode to lover mode. Those mindsets are just totally different than the one you need to be in to receive pleasure. Most women need some transition time between such roles. So borrow a lesson from tantric sex : create rituals to clear your mind, help you relax, and signal that you're moving into a sensual state of mind and another party of your day. Take a bath, light some candles, play some relaxing music. Don't make your partner do all the heavy lifting when it comes to seduction. Start seducing yourself by putting on lingerie, reading an erotic novel, watching porn, or touching your body. All these things can help you leave the office behind and shift into a more open, erotic state of mind.

When your mind is constantly jumping in to remind you to add something to the grocery list or of that conversation you had with your mother, you're not mentally available to enjoy sex. Keep a pen and paper by the bed to purge your intrusive thoughts so you don't have to worry about forgetting your to-do list.

But more importantly, you need to start to develop the mental muscles to block out intrusive thoughts and learn to clear your mind. There is no better method than meditation. Hear me out: I used to hate meditation, and now I do it every night. You don't have to be spiritual, wear a robe, or listen to Sting to meditate. You don't even need to have the time. You can start with one-minute meditations using an app like Headspace .

It's really difficult to enjoy sex with a partner you're secretly seething at. If you're ruminating about your last fight, whether it's your partner not taking out the trash or liking their ex's bikini pic on Instagram , take a break from the bedroom and talk it out before attempted to get frisky.

If you don't ask for what you want in bed, your sexual experiences will never quite be satisfying. If you spend your erotic time trying to figure out how to word your request or subtly cue your partner to move a little to the left, sit your SO down—outside of the bedroom—and have a conversation about establishing better sexual communication so you can feel free to get your needs met.

Those who've experienced sexual trauma are highly likely to be impacted in the bedroom. Getting support from trauma hotline and reading books on the issue can be a good start, but therapy is necessary to fully address these issues.

If you are someone who struggles with depression or anxiety, I don't have to tell you that they can steamroll your libido, not to menti
Tgirls Ass
Phoebe Halliwell Naked
Girl Wants A Threesome

Spectatoring

Report Page