Spank Baby

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Spank Baby
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Decades of research has demonstrated that spanking young kids is harmful and counterproductive — and the long-term consequences could be dire.
What to Expect the Second Year, Heidi Murkoff. What to Expect the First Year , 3rd edition, Heidi Murkoff. WhatToExpect.com , 7 Ways to Discipline Your Toddler , July 2022. WhatToExpect.com , How to Make Time-Outs Work for Your Toddler , July 2022. WhatToExpect.com , Using Positive Reinforcement on Your Toddler , July 2022. American Academy of Pediatrics, What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child? , November 2018. American Academy of Pediatrics, How to Give a Time-Out , November 2018. American Academy of Pediatrics, Shaken Baby Syndrome: Protect Your Infant from Abusive Head Trauma , March 2022. American Psychological Association, The Case Against Spanking , April 2012. Northern Illinois University Child Development and Family Center, Alternatives to Spanking , 2022. American Academy of Pediatrics, Pediatrics , Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children , December 2018. Mayo Clinic, Temper Tantrums in Toddlers: How to Keep the Peace , February 2022. Mayo Clinic, Anger Management: 10 Tips to Tame Your Temper , April 2022. American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, Physical Punishment , March 2018. American Psychological Association, Physical Discipline is Harmful and Ineffective , May 2019. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, What is Time-Out? , November 2019. KidsHealth From Nemours, Disciplining Your Child , June 2018. KidsHealth From Nemours, Abusive Head Trauma (Shaken Baby Syndrome) , March 2021. Mayo Clinic, Shaken Baby Syndrome , February 2022. National Institutes of Health, National Library of Medicine, Corporal Punishment and Elevated Neural Response to Threat in Children , April 2021.
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Truth: Sometimes parenting a small child can be both physically and emotionally draining, leaving you completely wiped out after a long day. But even when you’re at the end of your rope, the last thing you should do is give in to the impulse to spank. 
Even if you were raised on the occasional swat yourself, striking your toddler is detrimental to her wellbeing.
While you might think a quick spank will make your tot sit up and take notice, the practice isn’t an effective way to discipline children. Instead, lashing out models the wrong kind of behavior and it can leave an enduring mark beyond the physical one. In fact, research shows that hitting kids can increase their risk of aggression, antisocial behavior and mental health problems later on.
Spanking is also counterproductive when it comes to bonding with your toddler. The reason? In order to thrive, kids need to feel physically safe with their parents, not frightened or threatened in any way.
To understand the gravity of this issue, it’s important to learn the dangers of spanking as well as some safe alternatives, plus when to seek help if you can’t control your anger.
It’s natural to feel the urge to spank (most of us experience it once in a while). And many parents today were punished this way as children, which makes it seem like somewhat normal family behavior. 
And yet, nearly all experts agree that spanking should be retired once and for all since it’s ineffective and harmful to a child's physical, psychological and social development. Here’s why:
It misses the point. By hitting your child, you’re not teaching the difference between right and wrong, just which behaviors will earn a spanking. Kids who are spanked may refrain from a behavior they know will result in that form of punishment, but they haven’t developed self-control.
Spanking is violent. Spanking is the epitome of bullying (as in, a very large, strong person hitting a smaller, weak one). And it's definitely behavior you don’t want replicated on the playground. Research shows that children who are spanked are more likely to use physical force against their peers and later on with their own children.
It hurts a child’s morale. Spanking can be humiliating and demeaning to a child, chipping away at self-esteem and morale. It can also negatively affect your child-parent relationship.
Spanking doesn’t teach. The chance to impart coping skills flies out the window when you hit. Spanking denies the chance to learn alternative ways of dealing with anger and frustration.
It causes injuries. This is especially the case when it happens in the heat of anger, as it may escalate into serious abuse. But spanking after the fact seems cruelly calculated and, in the long run, less effective in correcting behavior, since the punishment is so far removed from the offense.
Shaking can be worse. As bad as spanking a child is, shaking a child or a baby is worse (don’t believe it’s somehow safer than hitting). This extremely dangerous form of punishment can cause a baby’s death. And even though a toddler’s neck muscles are stronger than an infant’s, shaking can still cause serious injury to a toddler’s eyes and/or brain. Never, ever shake, period.
If stark fear takes over — for example, your toddler wanders into the street — and you lash out with a fast slap without thinking, try not to feel guilty. But do apologize right away and give a reassuring hug. Offer an explanation and talk about your concern for your child’s safety: "I’m sorry I hit you. You scared Mommy when you ran into the street. Remember: No running into the street."
Next, keep in mind that there are several alternatives to hitting your child. Take a look at the following so you have a few ideas in your back pocket the next time you feel the urge to spank:
Give a time-out. A chance to sit quietly and cool off might be just the ticket. A time-out should last one minute for each year of age. Have your tot sit in a quiet spot and set the timer. If she leaves, send her back but ignore any tantruming that occurs.
Present choices. Rather than say no over and over, which can raise the temperature of an argument, give your little one a choice. For example, "Red shirt or blue one?" cedes control back to your child, which may help change her behavior in that moment.
Take a breather. Can’t take another minute? Leave your tot in a safe space and go into another room. Close your eyes, count to 10, do some yoga poses — or anything else that’ll help you calm down and redirect your own anger away from striking your child.
Praise the good . A little psychology 101: Try positive reinforcement . This means encouraging the behavior you want with praise or a reward. On a regular basis, try to catch your tot doing the right thing, like picking up her toys or heading to bed without whining .
Call in backup. There’s no shame in asking for help. If you’re at your wit’s end and worry you’ll lose it, ask your partner or a friend to spot you for a little while so you can regroup. And promise to do the same for that person if he or she is in a similar situation.
Self-control isn’t easy to come by for everyone. If your urge to spank seems overwhelming, it may be time for professional help. You (or your partner) should also get help right away if hitting is habitual, is aimed at the face, ears or head, or is hard enough to leave a mark or bruise. Hitting is also dangerous if an object is used to strike or you spank while intoxicated or taking drugs.
Talk to a therapist or your child’s doctor, or call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-422-4453). Lashing out physically at a child in anger is a danger sign. Though you may not have intentionally hurt your child yet, the potential for physical or emotional damage is there. Before angry outbursts lead to something more serious, act now. The same goes if your partner shows violent tendencies.
And even if you'd never dream of spanking or slapping a child, don't assume your child's caregivers feel the same way. Sitters, relatives and teachers should be instructed never to administer any form of physical punishment. If you ever suspect your child was hit, act immediately to remedy the situation.
From the What to Expect editorial team and Heidi Murkoff, author of What to Expect When You're Expecting . What to Expect follows strict reporting guidelines and uses only credible sources, such as peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions and highly respected health organizations. Learn how we keep our content accurate and up-to-date by reading our medical review and editorial policy .
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This incident has actually very little to do with me, but is really it is about a friend of mine when I was a schoolboy. There was a big difference between myself and Alan – I attended a Catholic school and was certainly no stranger to a sound, bare bottom spanking from one of the nuns, priests or any of the teachers.
By contrast, Alan had never been spanked in his life. He went to a different school than me and although they did use corporal punishment, it was not a very common event and he had avoided it. However, that all changed when we were about 13, and in a most dramatic way.
Alan’s mother had left home when he was quite a young boy and he lived with his father. The latter was a great guy, kind and fun to be around. I loved having sleepovers at their house and despite our naughtiness at times, Alan’s dad never gave his son anything more than ‘play’ spankings, which just made us laugh. I would even volunteer for one myself, just to join in with the fun and play out events that had happened at school. This would even sometimes involve me lowering my pyjamas and laughingly admitting that this was how I got it at school.
One day, Alan told me that his father’s girlfriend and her two daughters – both older than him – had come to live with them. He was worried, because his father told him that he had agreed his girlfriend should treat him Alan no differently to her daughters, whom she was accustomed to spank when necessary.
Alan was not sure at all about the girlfriend – he said she was strict and had already threatened him with a ‘very sore bottom’. To add to Alan’s woes, Vivienne – the elder of the two daughters – was always trying to get him into trouble, and teasing that he would get his bottom smacked until he cried.
Naturally, I felt very sorry for my friend, but there was nothing I could say that would alleviate his fears. Alan was fond of the younger sister, Maureen. She was kind to him but even she would laughingly tell him that she would rub his little bottom whenever he got spanked. Alan was quite a small boy for his age, not much over 4ft 6in, and in fact neither of us showed any outward signs of puberty, even though we were both over 13 by then. 
It was after about a month or so of these two families being blended that I stayed for my first sleepover since the arrival of the newcomers. I came over straight from school and we played in Alan’s garden for quite some time.
It was a hot summer’s day and Alan suggested that he lend me some a pair of his swimming trunks so we could play in the family’s small pool. It was a great idea and I readily agreed. We undressed in his room and I heard him gasp as he caught sight of six red stripes across my bare and otherwise white bottom. I told him it did not hurt much now but I had received six strokes of the cane that morning from Mr Abril, the woodwork teacher.
I can’t remember now what I did to earn that beating – all I recall was having to touch my toes whilst Mr Abril applied his rattan cane to my bare bottom. The swimming trunks thankfully covered the marks on my bum, though, and we had a good time in the garden.
Maureen was there and while she did not come into the pool, she sat by the side and I think she just enjoyed watching us play. She eventually found a plastic ball, which she threw into the pool for Alan and I to play with, and we all laughed endlessly as us two boys fought over it.
Unfortunately, after a while Vivienne came along to watch us, and she began to taunt my friend. She mocked the way Alan swam, saying he could only do ‘doggie paddles’. She told Alan his trunks were ‘babyish’ because they had pictures on them. “Anyway,” she added, “they’re too small and I can most of your baby’s bottom.”
I could see Alan was getting upset by this teasing and his eyes were welling up. Vivienne noticed that too and came to the edge of pool, She leaned over and said: “Aw! Is baby going to cry?”
That was Alan’s breaking point. “Fucking shut up!” he yelled at the girl. In retrospect, of course, that was precisely what Vivienne wanted. She said nothing but turned around, went inside and emerged a few moments with her very angry looking mother.
She was a very tall, strong-looking woman and I cringed myself at the thought of getting a spanking from her. She stood with her arms on her hips and ordered out of the pool. He began to cry properly and, between sobs, pleaded not to be spanked, but his protestations fell on deaf ears.
The girls’ mother said nothing but took Alan firmly by the hand and led him inside. He looked so helpless – his lack of height being so apparent next to the woman, who was at least 6ft tall.
The rest of us children followed them inside and watched as the woman sat down on the couch and stood Alan next to her. She grabbed his swimming trunks and quickly lowered them to his ankles. Alan quickly covered his privates with his hands but it was too late – Vivienne giggled and muttered some comment about how young he looked for his age. Maureen stood beside me – she could see I was upset too and put her arm around me, whispering to me not to cry. Then a stern lecture began, as it was made clear to Alan that foul language would not be tolerated in the house. 
It seemed an age before he was put across the woman’s knee – his head leaning over one side, his feet dangling over the other (and not reaching the ground) and his small bottom perched up on her lap. Her smacking hand seemed huge as it landed firmly and squarely covering each cheek; first one, then the other.
Alan desperately tried to twist and turn but the woman was holding him too firmly. He cried out and pleaded for her to stop but she was relentless, much to the glee of Vivienne, who wore a smug smile. My friend’s sobs became louder and Maureen whispered to me that the smacking must really be stinging because Alan’s bottom was still wet. I nodded and looked on as the smacks kept raining down on his by now bright red bum.
The woman definitely knew what she was doing – at times, she grasped Alan’s buttocks with her free hand so she could smack in the area where his bottom met the backs of his legs. I knew from my own experience this was the most tender spot for children to be smacked on, and indeed my friend cried loudest of all when she did that.
When it was over and he was finally allowed off the woman’s lap, Alan threw any remnants of dignity to the wind and stood there holding his stinging bum with both hands, fully exposed at the front.
Vivienne spoke up at that point, addressing her mother. “Thank you – I don’t like being spoken to like that by naughty little boys.” Her mum nodded in agreement and instructed Alan to go over and apologise to her daughter. He went to get back into his trunks first but that earned him a hard slap on each cheek and she said ‘now!’ Alan went over and apologised between sobs, then just ran off to his room. 
I followed him, as indeed did Maureen. Alan was lying on his bed, still naked and sobbing. True to her word, Maureen went to sit next to him and gently began rubbing his sore bottom. This seemed to soothe him, and he began to push his bottom up into her comforting hands as she rubbed him.
Eventually the crying stopped and Maureen sat Alan on her lap, as though he was a much younger child. She cuddled him as he snuggled into her and she kissed his head. He didn’t seem to care that he was still naked, but was just enjoying the feminine comfort.
Eventually, Maureen said she had better go, but as she left she told Alan that he was a very brave boy, and that anyone would have cried over such a sound spanking.
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