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Sometimes you’re in the mood to get some action but don’t actually feel like having anything inside you (Or, maybe, we’re living in a pandemic where the safest sex partner is your own well-washed hand ). Whether you’re on your period, have a UTI or just plain aren’t in the mood for is, there are plenty of other ways for you and your partner to get off together without having old-fashioned intercourse.
In fact, let’s be real: There’s a huge number of us out there who can’t even reach an orgasm from penetration alone, not to mention the fact that there are also a ton of us who have partners who weren’t born with the desire or equipment to have a heteronormative p enetrative sexual encounter . But, ultimately, that’s not the most important thing when it comes to having a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.
Particularly for people with vulvas, “the most valuable thing you can do is find ways to bring more clitoral stimulation into your sex life,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin, who is actually launching an online training program to teach women how to orgasm (bless her heart). Work on finding adventurous positions and activities that stimulate the clit, and you’ll be opened up to a whole new world of possibilities.
Here are some of our favorites to get you started.
Instead of treating your partner like a machine whose job it is to give you an orgasm, heed the advice of Dr. Carlen Costa, a sexologist and relationship expert from Canada, and change your attitude first. “You’re supposed to own your orgasm,” Dr. Carlen says.
And the number one way she suggests increasing your sexual confidence and taking control over your orgasms is by partaking in a naughty bit of adult show-and-tell and masturbating in front of one another. Whether you choose to discuss in advance the fact that you’re about to give your partner the thrill of their life or surprise them by letting them come home and “catch” you rubbing yourself on the Jennifer Convertible sofa, is entirely up to you. And though you may be tempted to let them jump in and finish the job, Dr. Carlen suggests restraining your passions and enforcing a no touching rule for as long as possible — which will only make things hotter.
Sex toys have come a long way since your mother’s dildo (sorry, not a sexy image). Marin suggests trying a couples’ toy like the We-Vibe or, if you prefer going at it alone, the Eva by DAME products, which is an actual hands-free vibrator that stimulates the clitoris with zero effort — yay for that!
Kait Scalisi, a sexual and reproductive health educator , writer and consultant, is also a huge fan of toys like the We-Vibe Touch, as well as G-Spot toy Je Joue Uma and arousal oils like ON Arousal Oil, which she says brings blood flow to the vaginal area and makes it easier to become aroused and achieve orgasm.
“I highly recommend all women have a high-quality lubricant,” Scalisi said. “Water-based lubes like Sliquid Organics are great for toys while silicone-based lubes like the one by Pjur are better for intercourse, oral sex and fingering. The amount of natural lubricant a woman produces is not indicative of her level of arousal as everything from stress to dehydration to medications can affect the body’s ability to get wet.”
How many times have we been told the number one way for women to achieve orgasm is by getting oral sex? But that’s not necessarily so. Look, we’re not saying to stop your partner when they want to go down on you because cunnilingus can be one of the most pleasurable experiences on the planet. But so much attention has been put on oral sex that Dr. Carlen says it’s easy to forget that women don’t always come this way.
“More women are more self-conscious when they have someone in between their legs,” Dr. Carlen says. “They worry about what they taste or smell like. Instead, direct stimulation is the number one way women orgasm.”
Chances are, you’re well versed on all things clitoris-related and know both light touching and applying more pressure to this sensitive spot can result in orgasm. But Dr. Carlen reminds us to encourage our partners to explore the entire vagina — including the labia and vulva, which has the second-most nerve endings after the clitoris and the U-spot, the area on and around the urethra.
The brain is our largest sex organ and we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice if we ignore this fact. It’s completely possible to orgasm or get so worked up you could come in seconds without any physical contact at all by taking the time to engage in a little filthy talk before or even instead of sex.
If you’ve never tried this before with your partner, Dr. Carlen says to take your time and take it slow. “You don’t have to jump in with the dirtiest thing because it can come across as awkward or unauthentic,” she says. Instead of whispering in his ear that you want to have an orgy with him and 15 members of a football team, Dr. Carlen says tried-and-true dirty talk includes saying things like “I love it when you do (fill in the blank),” and the universally hot, “Oh, baby, I’m coming.”
And if you’re feeling shy about it, the expert says a great way to build your sexual confidence and test the waters is by sexting your partner . Setting up a scenario via text like, “When you get home tonight (fill in the blank)” is a surefire way to fan the flames.
Originally published December 2015. Updated January 2017.
Looking to add to your sex toy collection? Here’s a few of our favorite vibrator s:
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Key points

Lovers may struggle with intercourse; one reason is that it doesn't provide enough direct clitoral stimulation to allow most women to orgasm.
Sex without intercourse focuses on all the other ways couples can enjoy genital pleasure, such as hand massage and oral sex.
Men can derive great pleasure from oral sex even if only partially erect or flaccid.

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Personality

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Posted September 15, 2014

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Reviewed by Lybi Ma

We live in a sexual culture overwhelmingly focused on intercourse. Sex in books, movies, and on TV is dominated by the norm. To many Americans, “sex” means intercourse.
But for many lovers, sex that revolves around intercourse is problematic:
As a result, the notion that sex equals intercourse leaves many couples frustrated. Fortunately, there’s an erotically fulfilling alternative—lovemaking without intercourse.
Sex without intercourse may sound disconcerting. It requires some effort, adjustments on the part of both lovers—and change is never easy, especially in the erotic repertoire. But if you find intercourse problematic, sex without it allows hot, fulfilling lovemaking for life.
Once you get on board with sex sans intercourse, it’s pretty easy. It involves the same leisurely, playful, whole-body touching, caressing, and massage that sex therapists recommend to all lovers. But it eliminates vaginal intercourse, focusing instead on all the other ways couples can enjoy marvelous genital pleasure: hand massage (your own and/or your lover’s), oral sex, and sex toys, particularly vibrators and dildos for women, and penis sleeves for men.
For many couples, great sex without intercourse means experimenting, which can feel strange. But novelty is key to sexual zing. Doing things differently stimulates the brain to release dopamine , and dopamine heightens the erotic intensity. If you adopt some new non-intercourse moves, lovemaking without intercourse can feel more pleasurable than ever.
Hand-massaging the penis is a major part of sex without intercourse. But is your honey providing the caresses that really excite you? Many men find that being stroked by a lover isn’t as much of a turn-on as their own masturbation routine.
In that case, the man can show the woman exactly how he likes to be stroked by demonstrating it for her. If you’ve never masturbated in the presence of a lover, this can feel awkward and embarrassing. But it serves three important functions. It clearly shows her which strokes are most effective. It helps her provide the most stimulating caresses. And it increases her confidence in her own erotic prowess and attractiveness .
Masturbating for a lover also deepens the couple’s intimacy . Intimacy is all about self-revelation, disclosing who you really are. What’s more self-revealing than displaying how you enjoy sex with yourself?
Fellatio is also a major component of great sex without intercourse. And guess what—men don’t need erections to enjoy it. They can derive great pleasure from oral sex even if only partially erect or flaccid.
In addition, a firm erection is not necessary for ejaculation and orgasm. It’s quite possible for men to enjoy earth-moving orgasms with only partial erections or none at all—if they receive sufficient stimulation by hand, mouth, or sex toy.
Couples experimenting with sex without intercourse might also try penis sleeves, artificial vaginas, or mouths that, when lubricated, feel remarkably close to the real thing. A man who can’t manage vaginal intercourse may be able to slide (or stuff) his penis into a sleeve. Penis sleeves, available from marketers, can be easily incorporated into partner lovemaking.
This bears repeating: Only 25 percent of women are reliably orgasmic during intercourse. In other words, three-quarters of women need direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.
Now it’s possible to provide direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse. In dog position, the man can reach around. Or in the woman-on-top position, she can masturbate or he can place a fist on his abdomen and she can lean into it. But the way most couples make love, intercourse does not provide sufficient stimulation for women to enjoy orgasms, a big reason why sex without intercourse can feel so satisfying.
Meanwhile, for women who enjoy feeling filled up, dildos and phallic vibrators can be useful. The woman can use them on herself with the man watching, or holding and gently caressing her. Or the woman can coach the man about how she likes things inserted. Most women prefer toys and their vaginas to be well lubricated before a slow, gentle introduction. Or the man might use a strap-on dildo for more of an intercourse feel (see my recent post about playing with strap-ons ). Sex toy marketers offer dildos, vibrators, and strap-ons.
For those who think “sex” is the missionary position, it can be a challenge to discover the joys of great sex without intercourse. But lovemaking without intercourse can be a marvelous alternative for lovers of any age who have trouble doing it like they do in movies.
Michael Castleman, M.A. , is a San Francisco-based journalist. He has written about sexuality for 36 years.

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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.

When sexual intercourse isn't possible, it doesn't mean you can't be intimate. Learn other sensual ways to enhance intimacy in your relationship.
Sometimes intercourse simply isn't possible. Maybe you just gave birth and haven't healed yet. Maybe you're having problems with painful sex. Maybe your partner is having sexual issues like erectile dysfunction, or one of you is ill. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't be intimate with each other. Expressing yourselves in sensual ways can enhance intimacy.
Intimacy goes beyond sexual intercourse—it is not just sex. Intimacy is about closeness, about being together and about creating and maintaining a relationship. It is an important part of any relationship, with or without sexual intercourse. To that end, here are some suggestions as to how the two of you can ma
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