Sex Teenagers Home

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Sex Teenagers Home
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Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist
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Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist
What would you do when your teenage daughter or son asks if they are allowed to have their boyfriend or girlfriend stay the night? Many parents have asked for my opinion over the years, as most find it really difficult to talk to their children about sex.
Attitudes can vary depending on nationality. I grew up in the Netherlands, a country that has a very relaxed attitude. Two-thirds of Dutch parents allow their 16 and 17-year-old children to sleep with their partners in their homes. Dutch parents' stance on teen sex was compared with that of American parents in a survey Sex, Love and Autonomy in the Teen-age Sleepover, conducted in 2003 by Amy Schalet, who was born in the US but grew up in the Netherlands.
The differences between the cultures, and between the parenting styles in each country, are many, but one of the most important is the attitude towards sex.
Dutch parents tend to downplay the dangerous and difficult sides of teenage sexuality; they normalise it. They believe in a process of becoming physically and emotionally ready for sex and that young people can self-regulate, if they are encouraged to pace themselves and prepare adequately.
Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different from feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room.
Unlike American parents, who are often sceptical about teenagers' capacities to fall in love, Dutch parents assume that teenagers can. They permit sleepovers, even if that requires an adjustment period to overcome their feelings of discomfort, because they feel obliged to stay connected and accepting as sex becomes part of their children's lives.
Teenagers in the Netherlands tend to wait longer before having sex, have fewer partners and use easily-acquired birth control consistently and correctly, resulting in much lower rates of teen pregnancy and abortions.
The main reason for this is that the country has a liberal attitude towards sex, and teen sex education is based on an assumption that young people are curious about sexuality and have a right to accurate and comprehensive information, unlike in Australia, sex education is compulsory. Educational materials at schools are characterised by clear, direct and age-appropriate language and attractive designs. The leading message is: If you are going to have sex, do it safely.
The Dutch philosophy is a simple one. Young people have the right to adequate sex education so that they can make well-informed choices in sexuality and relationships.
In Australia, unfortunately, school sex education is lagging very much behind. In 2012 the former Labor minister for education Peter Garrett included the subjects of "sexual and gender identity" and "managing intimate relationships" in the new curriculum. But the Australian Curriculum, Assessment and Reporting Authority had to delay its plans to upgrade sex education after religious and conservative groups raised concerns. They believed talking about puberty and sex was "best done by family".
It would be great if parents could sit down with their children and discuss sex-related issues. But most parents are ill-equipped to do that; they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and they don't really have the knowledge, either. Things have changed a lot since they were young.
Children and teenagers should get age-appropriate information as part of their school curriculum. As a parent it is advisable to have back-up information ready to give them and to educate yourself. Think of sex education as an ongoing project -- if children know they can talk to parents about issues that are important to them, they will.
An excellent DVD called The Talk is available for parents and their teenage children, presented by Melbourne comedian Nelly Thomas. It features talks about sex and relationships in a frank, informed and non-threatening way.
Another great source is the book Loveability written in 2014 by Nina Funnell and Dannielle Miller, an empowering advice book for teenage girls, which treats them as responsible, intelligent human beings. It's also a must-read for teenage boys and has a chapter with useful websites, organisations and books.
Let's get back to the sleepover dilemma: Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different from feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room. But on the other hand, why create a situation where your children are forced to hide, sneak around, be dishonest, be uncomfortable, take unnecessary risks and make uninformed decisions about their physical and emotional health?
If you want your teenagers to be safe, don't close your eyes or hope they won't have sex -- they just might!
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I remember very clearly the way I reacted when my friends discussed their teenage children having sex and the fact they planned to allow them to do so in the family home.
First I did the ‘I am vomiting in my own mouth’ sounds, and then loudly (and swiftly) declared there was absolutely no freaking way I would ever do anything of the sort.
Sure, my boys were just babies at the time, but even when they were old enough to contemplate such things it would definitely not be happening under my roof.
No ifs, no buts, nothing. That would not be happening in my home, because: ew.
That was maybe a decade or so ago, and what can I say except… things have changed.
At 13 and 14 years of age, there is much talk of dating, sex and all that goes hand-in-hand with both (excuse the expression).
I am currently across the legal age for intercourse in a range of countries, the flag that announces you’re gender fluid, and also what pansexual means.
Their dad and I have been divorced for a solid decade. Obviously, he’s a man, but for some reason my two boys prefer to talk all things of this ilk with me.
I have encouraged them (pleaded with them, if I am honest) to talk to him about this stuff — you know, 'man to man' and all that — but to no avail.
I am deeply flattered by this, but also infuriated. Because, damn it, why me?
But there it is; my boys, my loves, my only loves, prefer to talk intimate topics with their mama. While I never imagined I’d be cool with that, turns out I sort of am.
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Now, a good 10 years later, I get where my friends were coming from when they declared they would allow their kids to have sex in the family home rather than, say, the local park.
At the time I was all for the park — the park and/or anywhere else, as long as I didn’t have to know anything about it. In hindsight, I was being naive or perhaps hopeful.
I didn’t like the idea of my babies being sexual beings. Here’s the thing, though: a sexual appetite is a part of life, a healthy part of life, even. And do I want my boys to lead healthy, full lives? Of course I do.
This is where things have changed for me.
Do I enjoy the idea they’re young men and, as such, will soon be entering into adult sexual relationships of their own? I absolutely do not. CATEGORICALLY do not.
I would like for my sweet, rosy-cheeked, innocent babes to stay that way forever, but even I know that would be selfish. Also unrealistic.
They are individuals with their own needs and wants and desires and it would be irresponsible (likely damaging) of me to refuse that.
As such, I can now say I will do my best to keep them safe, but I will also accommodate them and their growing into adulthood.
When I say that, I mean this: I will allow their girlfriends (or boyfriends - heck, it’s early days, who knows, right?) to stay overnight, as long as everyone’s parents are across this and are equally approving.
I will be cool with this. Encouraging, even. At least, as much as I can be, because *vomits in own mouth*... ugh.
Wait, scratch that: I mean great. Good for you, boys. High fives all round!
And maybe next time, stay at your dad’s. Please.
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At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no.
Like most parents, I try to avoid thinking about my kids having sex. Having been a teenager myself once upon a time, I knew it was likely they’d decide to have sex before adulthood. But it never occurred to me that when my teens did choose to have sex, they’d do it in my house.
Talking openly about sex is one thing. But dealing with my kids actually having sex is another thing entirely. In theory, it’s important not to stigmatize my kids’ sex lives or create shame around it that can last a lifetime. In practice, when I began to suspect that one of my teens was having sex, it was tempting to forbid him from spending time alone with his girlfriend.
My teens aren’t the first ones in their friend group to have sex. They were shocked when their friends began having sex as freshmen—at 13 or 14 years old—and I’ll admit that I was shocked too. The most surprising aspect of their friends’ newfound sex lives was that it was the kids whose parents were the strictest who had sex the youngest. If I was looking for proof that trying to control my kids’ sex lives would be effective, I didn’t find it.
As their friends become sexually active, my kids had questions. Sometimes, those questions were about working through their own feelings about sex, but other times they were far more logistical in nature: Where could their friends get free birth control? What type of birth control was the most effective? And when all else failed, where could they go for an abortion? More than once, they even brought their friends to me to talk about their relationships and birth control options.
I’ve talked to my kids about safe sex many times, but those awkward conversations didn’t prepare them for all of the nuances of having safe sex in practice. It was only when my teens came to me to talk about their concerns about one of their siblings having sex that I realized how many things I still had left to say. I’d told my son to use a condom, of course, but had I emphasized the importance of using two methods of protection to prevent pregnancy? Did my son know that he could always come to me to ask me to buy more condoms if our supply ran out?
But most importantly, would my son still practice safe sex if I made it harder for him to have sex at home? At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no. Switching to an open-door policy began to seem ill-advised rather than sensible.
That doesn’t mean it’s not uncomfortable for me—or my other teens. They’ve asked me to “do something” about their brother’s sex life when they discovered sex toys in his bedroom. But as I reminded them, they probably shouldn’t barge into his bedroom to “borrow” his stuff if they don’t want to see things that make them uncomfortable.
Sex is a natural part of life, and part of me is glad that my son feels comfortable enough to experiment now. Many people don’t feel that confident in their sexuality until well into adulthood. Another part of me is still pretty horrified, but I’m not sure I’ll feel any less horrified by the thought of my kids having sex even when they’re 50.
The reality is that my kids are going to have sex. And so are yours. The average American has sex for the first time at 17 years old . As tempting as it is to hope that preaching abstinence will prevent kids from having sex, we know abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work . Like it or not, your child is probably still going to be living at home when they have sex for the first time.
If given the choice between my kids’ first sexual experience happening in a safe place or at a party, in the backseat of a car or god knows where else, I have to believe that allowing them to have sex at home makes sense. I’m just thankful that I had the good sense to put my teenagers’ bedrooms downstairs.
Jody Allard is a former techie-turned-freelance-writer living in Seattle. She can be reached through her website , on Twitter or via her Facebook page .
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