Sex Is Not Enough

Sex Is Not Enough
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Husband, if there is a problem with the amount of sex you are getting in your marriage … if there is a problem with the quantity in your sex life … if there is not enough sex happening between you and your wife … the WORST thing you can do is:
Unfortunately for the typical husband, these are the exact behaviors he exhibits when there is not enough sex happening between he and his wife…and these behaviors infallibly cause his wife to become EVEN LESS SEXUAL with him … such that now, there is really not enough sex happening between he and his wife.
Correspondingly, there is something that every husband needs to thoroughly understand about his wife. Specifically, a wife wants (and in fact needs) her husband to be the kind of man who knows how to attract her and turn her on towards him so that she can in turn unleash all of her romantic love, affection, intimacy, passion, and sex on him .
Make sure you get that: in the long run, a wife can only let loose, set free, and give her romantic love, affection, intimacy, passion, and sex TO a man who knows how to think, process, operate, conduct, carry, interact, and relate in a way that is attractive to her and that turns her on towards him .
I say “in the long run” because most females have a tendency to build and respond to fantasies in their mind…which means all the typical female needs is some guy to plug into her fantasies and she will respond to that guy with substantial romantic love, affection, intimacy, and passion…which is precisely what most guys experienced with their lady when they first started dating her and when they first married her.
But, here comes the problem. After a wife gets to better know her husband…and she starts discovering and experiencing the fact that he is actually quite different from what she had going on in her fantasies…different in a BAD way…then she begins WITHDRAWING her romantic love, affection, intimacy, passion, and sex from him…because again, a woman can only give her romantic love, affection, intimacy, passion, and sex to a man who knows how to attract her and turn her on towards him .
Now, coming back to the focus of this article, when a husband engages in the behaviors listed above…he is in fact saying and doing things that CAUSE his wife to LOSE attraction for him…and that CAUSE her to be turned-off towards him …which is exactly why the affection, intimacy, and sex drops off even more after he engages in the above-listed behaviors.
So, spare yourself a lot grief in your marriage…NEVER exhibit any of the negative behaviors listed above that are guaranteed to worsen any “not enough sex” problems that you have with your wife.
Or, if you are already guilty of exhibiting these behaviors, then at least spare yourself from making your marriage relationship with your wife even less affectionate, intimate, passionate, and sexual … by never again TALKING or ACTING NEGATIVELY about the amount of sex you have with her.
That raises this question: how are you as a husband supposed to address and fix the “not enough sex” problem that you are having with your wife?
The answer is that YOU focus YOUR attention and efforts on YOU being and doing the things that attract your wife to you and that turn her on towards you. You will find that this works much better for you in terms of the amount of sex you get to have and enjoy with your wife.
If you are not clear on what you need to be and do in order to be attractive, appealing, desirable, and sexy to your wife such that you are consistently able to turn her on towards you, then get my program and FIX THAT PROBLEM NOW!
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June 29, 2019

We make time for lots of things in our lives – chores, working out, coffee with a friend, keeping up with our favorite shows, reading, working, walking the dog, and all kinds of other things that are crammed into our busy schedules. But do we “make time” for sex? Should we prioritize this event with the person we are married to? Are there consequences from not having enough sex? MarriageRadio.com often mentions the positives of regular sex with our marriage partner. Those positives/benefits include feelings of closeness, feelings of commitment, appreciation, love, connection, increased physical attraction and the list goes on quite a bit.
But in this post we are going to discuss some of the side effects of NOT having regular sex. What exactly are these negative effects of not having sex? Let us count the ways:
1. Not having sex at least three times a week doubles your risk of heart attack. [ *Source ]
2. Not having sex several times a week damages your sense of smell. [ *Source ]
3. Men who don’t have sex at least once a week double their chances of developing erectile dysfunction.[ *Source ]
4. Sex reduces pain, both chronic and acute. Endorphins released during sex alleviate all kinds of pain including migraines, PMS cramping, and even arthritis. [ *Source ] Sex is one of the best natural painkillers there is.
5. Women who don’t have regular sex develop looser vaginas. [ *Source ] You thought it was women who had a lot of sex who got looser vaginas? Wrong! Lack of sex makes the vaginal muscles relax, resulting in a looser vagina.
6. People who don’t have regular sex get sick more often (colds, flu, etc.) because they lack the antibodies sex creates, particularly immunoglobulin A, which drops by 30% when people have sex less than once or twice week. [ *Source ] [ *Source ]
7. Women who don’t have regular sex are more likely to experience lubrication issues when they hit menopause. [ *Source ]
8. A man’s semen is a natural, powerful antidepressant for women. Women who have a man orgasm inside of them on a regular basis are less subject to depression and suicide than other women. [ *Source ] [ *Source ]
9. Lack of sex reduces testosterone in men and both testosterone and estrogen in women, [ *Source ] which introduces all kinds of long-term health and lifestyle problems. It also further reduces the desire for sex.
Do you have time for regular sex? Is it worth scheduling like other important things in life? Perhaps the better question is, what are the consequences if you don’t?
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Key points

The General Social Survey suggests that married couples have sex approximately 58 times per year, but this ignores age and other factors.
Neither partner should be pathologized for a difference in desired sexual frequency.
For many people, physical arousal isn't enough to desire a full sexual encounter.

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Posted March 13, 2015

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Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

As a psychotherapist specializing in sexual and intimacy disorders, I can tell you that for a lot of individuals and couples, the amount of sex they’re having (or not having) can be worrisome.
They ask me, “How much sex is healthy?" and, "How much sex should we be having in order to be healthy and happy?”
Most of the time the expressed concern, except in cases of sexual compulsivity, is that the individual or couple is not being sexual often enough. But whatever the fear , whether too much or not enough, the individuals who pose these questions typically feel a considerable amount of stress and anxiety about what they view as a potentially unhealthy sexual life.
That, dear readers, is a bit of a loaded question. If you Google this request, you’ll get an astounding array of answers. Some of the most methodically obtained data (and therefore the most likely to be accurate) is provided by the General Social Survey , which has tracked American sexual behaviors since the early 1970s.
The GSS suggests that married couples have sex approximately 58 times per year. But this number does not consider the age of the couple or how long they’ve been together. In other words, this statistic doesn’t differentiate between people in their 20s and senior citizens, or people who just got married and those who’ve been together for a half-century.
Other information provided by the GSS more helpfully suggests that couples in their 20s have sex an average of 111 times per year and that the frequency of sex drops approximately 20 percent per decade as couples get older.
Are you counting decades and percentages on your fingers right now? I sure am. After all, I’m human, and this issue, despite my years of clinical experience, nags at me too.
Unfortunately for those seeking accurate answers about “normality," even the GSS data may be misleading, as discussed in a January 2015 New York Times article by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz. He writes:
I analyzed data from the General Social Survey, a classic research site. Heterosexual men 18 and over say that they average 63 sex acts per year, using a condom in 23 percent of them. This adds up to more than 1.6 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Heterosexual women say they average 55 sex acts per year, using a condom in 16 percent of them. This adds up to about 1.1 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Who is telling the truth, men or women? Neither. According to Nielsen, fewer than 600 million condoms are sold every year.
So: Apparently people tend to lie when asked about sex—even when asked by anonymous scientific researchers such as those employed by the GSS. Who would have ever guessed?
My point is that the “average number of sexual encounters” figures provided even by the GSS may be wildly inaccurate, and probably skewing much higher than reality. In other words, most people don’t have sex nearly as often as they’d like other people to think they do.
So, again, what constitutes normal? Perhaps the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM-5)—the book that serves as the American Psychiatric Association’s “diagnostic bible”—can clear things up for us.
The DSM-5 lists two disorders related to lack of sexual activity and/or interest, one for each gender . Women could have Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder; and men, Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Interestingly, the diagnostic criteria for the two issues are extremely similar. (So why have two?) Essentially, whether male or female, a lack of sexual activity or interest is pathologized if and when:
Notice that even the DSM-5 does not give a specific number of sexual encounters that makes a person undersexed. So in terms of knowing how much sex people should (or shouldn’t) be having, the DSM-5 is not very helpful. Nor should it be, because sexual frequency is an individual preference. One person might be having sex two or three times per week and feel that he or she is not getting nearly enough, whereas another person might be having sex once in a blue moon and feel that’s more than sufficient.
Neither person should be pathologized for this difference.
The point that I am trying to make here is that either way—lots of sex or very little—there is no need to panic. Yes, you may be having sex much more often than you think is normal (whatever that is), but this does not make you hypersexual , nor does having sex infrequently (or not at all) make you clinically undersexed and in need of psychotherapeutic treatment. If either of these extremes is causing you significant distress, of course, and if hearing the facts about sexual frequency (such as they are) does not help to alleviate your distress, you may want to seek professional assistance. On the other hand, if the simple realization that you are probably more "normal" than you thought diminishes your stress and anxiety, then you should proceed accordingly.
One overarching factor that science is just beginning to explore is the difference between physical sexual arousal and the desire to actually have sex. Until recently, it was thought that if men and/or women were experiencing sexual arousal, then they would also want and probably have sex. Now we are finding that this is not, in fact, the case, particularly for women , who, generally speaking, need to feel not just physical arousal but an emotional connection before they fully desire sex. In other words, physical arousal is not always enough.
And in truth, it’s not just women who need an emotional connection in order to fully desire and enjoy sex. Many men do, too. Interestingly, this realization has recently spawned a new genre of sexuality identifiers . These days, people don’t just identify as straight, gay, lesbian, or bi; we’ve also got shifting labels like demisexual and gray-asexual. (In case you’re wondering, demisexuals say they only rarely feel sexual desire, and when they do it is only in the context of a close relationship, while gray-asexuals fluctuate between asexuality and a more normal level of interest—whatever they feel normal might be.)
Regardless of the terminology, there are growing numbers of people who freely accept that it is perfectly okay to have little or no interest in sexual activity. In other words, they understand and accept that it is only when the lack of sex is causing significant distress to a person and/or his or her romantic partner(s) that it becomes problematic.
So where are you on the spectrum of sexual? And does the answer really matter?
The simple truth is that human sexuality cuts a wide swath in terms of what people like to do, how often they like to do it, and who they like to do it with (if anyone at all). Further, these desires, especially as they relate to sexual frequency, can be significantly influenced by all sorts of internal and external factors—age, physical health, psychological wellbeing, emotional intimacy, medications, substance abuse, grief , work, financial stress, hormonal imbalances, etc. Knowing this, it is easier to understand that there just isn’t a norm when it comes to the amount of sex that you should be having .
If you’re comfortable with the amount of sex that you’re having, then you’re having the right amount of sex. Period. Even if the amount of sex you’re having is “very little” or “none at all.”
Just as people can be heterosexual, homosexual , or bisexual, we can also be hypersexual, asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, or anything else. And there is nothing inherently wrong with any of this. As long as your sexual activity (or lack thereof) is not causing you stress and anxiety, diminishing your self-esteem , harming others, breaking the law, causing problems in your relationship, if you’re in one, or creating negative life consequences, you needn’t worry.
You should also understand, if you are still worried about your lack of sexual activity, that many times hyposexuality is a medical issue that can be treated with various medications and/or lubricants. And in cases where the issue is not physical in nature, there are plenty of therapists who specialize in helping individuals heal from sexual issues. (The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is an excellent referral source.)
Robert Weiss, Ph.D., MSW, is the author of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating.

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

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