S For Sex S For Secrets
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S For Sex S For Secrets
Pakho Chau Pak-ho and Annie Liu Xin-you in a scene from S for Sex, S for Secrets.
Pakho Chau Pak-ho and Annie Liu Xin-you in a scene from S for Sex, S for Secrets.
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Medically Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD on December 07, 2009
So How’s Your Sex Life? Here Are 6 Tips for Making It Great
If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay -- your partner melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax -- you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?
Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching . “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”
Great Sex Tip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk
Right. The mouth . Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell them what you want. Ask them what they like. Shoot for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex .
Great Sex Tip 2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.
“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”
According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex , the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.
Great Sex Tip 3: Don’t Compare Your Sex Life With Porn
Not everything men know about sex they learned from pornography. But a lot of it they did. And that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with etched abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many guys wonder: What am I doing wrong? Or, more to the point: What’s wrong with me?
“One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many guys that they’re too small,” Castleman says. “They forget that pornography is self-selecting...These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.”
Some of the other fictions that porn perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (“in the real world,” Davidson says, “people do say ‘no’”); that the same moves work on every partner; that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm.
There are positives to porn -- it can, for example, inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But when Debbie Did Dallas, she also did damage to the way men often think about sex.
“I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.”
Great Sex Tip 4: Focus on Pleasurable Sensations
While we’re on driving, let’s talk about commutes. And cubicles. And computers. And the demands and distractions of our daily lives.
Stress is an enemy of great sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says.
She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations.
“There are techniques ranging from eye -gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”
Great Sex Tip 5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters
“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.”
No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing -- the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving.
“A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.
Great Sex Tip 6: Schedule Sex. Really.
What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships , who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.
“There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.”
Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together.
Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences. “People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”
SOURCES: Patti Britton, clinical sexologist; author, The Art of Sex
Coaching: Expanding Your Practice. Michael Castleman, author of Great
Sex, A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex . Joy
Davidson, psychologist and sexologist; author of Fearless Sex, A Babe’s
Guide to Overcoming your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life you
Deserve .
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This is the season for fun, freedom, feminine energy and sexy new beginnings. It’s the perfect time to make sure that your inner bombshell blooms when it comes to love, sex, dating, and relationships. To get the best tips to set your sexy time on fire, I called on my sexpert besties.
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Just consider us The Black Sexerati. These spicy sexperts are a diverse group. We are married, single and engaged, heterosexual, gay and pansexual, female and male, formally educated and self-taught, Christian and other, coaches, writers, and speakers. Here are 11 super-hot sexpert tips to make your toes curl—from oral sex to juicy foreplay to a move called “the Stallion.”
Reading your Intimacy Intervention advice questions each week, I see that many of you are still scared of the M-word. So let’s kick off this party with my tip that you’ll need for all of the other ones. You most likely won’t go blind, get addicted or over-stimulated but pleasuring yourself has all kinds of incredible benefits.
Masturbation leads to you knowing your luscious body better. You will reinforce to yourself that you deserve pleasurable touch whether or not you have a partner. You will know what pleases you so that you can show someone else. You can experiment alone first if you are feeling shy. You can even put on an incredible show for your partner.
When you have the body confidence, you can explore adult toys, foreplay, roleplay, and tantra. When you are in love with yourself you can communicate with your partner. When you have self-esteem, you don’t feel the need to compromise your sexual self and you have the courage to take responsibility for your own orgasm .
So with toys or without, please yourself often. Studies show that self-touch can increase feelings of confidence and self-esteem. In addition, women who indulge in self-pleasure are reportedly more orgasmic. Yeah!
Ladies, this oral sex tip is going to raise the bar on your fellatio game. Men have something called a prostate. It’s located in their anus about 2 inches up and when it’s stimulated it creates waves of blissful sensations. You will need a small silver bullet vibrator, warm water, and a teaspoon of honey. Add some of the honey to your tongue and lick his pleasure stick slowly. The honey also adds to the flavor and enjoyment to the art of going down. Take a few sips of warm water. The warm water melts the honey and creates a warm, soft, velvety sensation to his penis.
While slowly going down on him you want to turn your silver bullet vibrator on low, and press it gently against his perineum. The perineum is the area between the scrotum and the anus. This will stimulate his prostate externally. Gently massage the area with the silver bullet while orally pleasing your lover. He will experience the best knee jerking, toe curling orgasmic experience ever!”
—Tracey R. Bryant is a Sexual Empowerment Coach and the creator of Sensual Honey Sweet Yoni Tea , an organic, aphrodisiac tea that makes your lovely lady parts smell good and taste sweet.
“Don’t have ‘that thang’ smelling like flowers or candy. Your lady parts are the flower. Your lady parts are my candy. That ‘sweet thang’s’ natural aroma and nectar is perfect! You can’t put it in a bottle and it’s never duplicated. I feel like, if we don’t both smell like ‘that thang’ when we are done then we didn’t get in there properly.
Here’s the key: We both have to be fresh to get it popping. I love taking a shower with my baby before engaging in her love. I have arrived at the point in my sex life where I have to be free to lick where I want when I want. I’m grown. As a man, I don’t want it just in my mouth, I want it ON MY FACE.
The goal is to have your partner never curious or desiring anything from anyone else—ever! You need to turn your partner out! Every couple of months something has to get broken… a vase, a glass, a picture frame, a bed frame, a headboard. Dents in the middle of the mattress don’t count!”
— Steven James Dixon, Author of Men Don’t Heal, We Ho – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men and the upcoming Love Capacity , has been married over 10 years.
“I have seen people struggle with their desires for kinky sex, BDSM and all manner of fetishes. And as tough as it might be to be honest with others, you first have got to be honest with yourself. Know that is is absolutely OK for you to have kinky desires or outré fetishes, and that you are worthy of having your needs met in a loving and consensual setting.
My husband is my dominant and owner. Yes, my owner. We have a consensual ‘Power Exchange’ relationship. He waited until he was 60 years old to seek out his true desires. He had a lifetime of fantasies of sadism and longed to salaciously torment hot-and-sexy victims, but his upbringing labeled such things forbidden. Then adulthood sealed his fate as a guilt-ridden, secretive dreamer. Now he’s happy, fulfilled, kinky as hell and loving the explorations of our new life.
Dare to get what you want! One of his few regrets is that he denied himself this dream for decades. I, on the other hand, have been a hedonistic explorer since high school and had no qualms about telling my partners what I wanted and, in turn, finding out what turned them on.
It can be really scary to tell your beloved that you have desires outside of so-called “vanilla” sex but you’ll be happier if you’re honest about your desires. Be honest with your partner(s) and honest with yourself and let your freak flag fly.”
—Mollena Lee Williams-Haas, known as “The Perverted Negress”, is a BDSM/Kink Educator, author, performer and muse. She is also the founder of Mollena.com .
“In the past I’ve had lovers say that I was afraid of my orgasms. You could have the best lover in the world, who knows all the ways to please you with an unlimited supply of energy, stamina and sexual curiosity. But if you’ve been taught or accepted that you’re only allowed a certain amount of happiness, joy and bliss, you may intentionally be limiting your capacity for pleasure.
I used to only allow past lovers to get to a measured point and then I would pull away. I had to actively work on being a pleasure receiver. Much of this deals with shame, guilt and social expectations on what I was allowed or not allowed to feel. Eventually I learned, I am supposed to FEEL, especially pleasure and bliss! In order to grow in closeness with yourself or your partner, you must actively live in a place of vulnerability.”
—Sheena LaShay is an “Intellectual Sensual Shaman, Wild Magical Woman and Cultural Provocateur” who leads workshops, retreats and events. Her digital home, SheenaLaShay.com , is the space where vulnerability, eroticism and power intersect.
“Sex is supposed to be fun so get even more adventurous by talking dirty. Tell your partner how you like it. Share with him where you want it. Use your imagination and voice all of your dirty desires. Sex talk helps to stimulate your sexual partner’s major senses—so imagine how hot and bothered he’ll be once you tell him how horny you are.”
— Dami Olonisakin, award-winning sex and relationship blogger, is the founder of SimplyOloni.com .
When it comes to dirty talk, Shawntell T’Neke, the Sensualista , adds: “Indulge in sexting and phone sex. They are the best EVER when you are your partner are not together! However, have you tried this when both of you are in the same home, at work, or while lying next to one another?”
“Ladies, this is the secret to your orgasm and to getting whatever you want. Put on a large white t-shirt and a sexy pair of heels! Yes.
Now, command your partner to lie on his back. Climb on top, facing him, and go for a ride. Take 10 LONG thrusts—or however many you like. Control your thrusts, turn around, grab his ankles and continue riding. Right before he releases, hop off and put him in your mouth! Yeah, I said it. This position will keep him from climaxing before you and possibly get those new pair of heels for your next ride. I’m just saying.”
— Shawntell T’Neke also known as The Sensualista is the CEO and founder of S.H.E., Sensually Hers Evolved . The Sensualista is a life coach, keynote speaker and event host.
8. The Largest Sex Organ? The Brain
“Many believe the genitals run the show when sex is about to take place, but it is actually the brain that is the center of command in every sexual experience. The brain is responsible for releasing the hormones. The brain is responsible for the signals and chemicals necessary for the body to prepare for sex, and when the mind is clouded intercourse can become difficult.
Weakened erections, lowered libido, inability to orgasm and vaginal dryness can all be caused by the mind being preoccupied by emotional and psychological factors. Relaxing the mind and becoming one with the body before sex is critical for optimal sexual performance and pleasure.
Release inhibitions by talking before the act, participating in couple’s erotic massage, playing music or lighting candles infused with lavender or jasmine essentials oils for relaxation. For more complicated emotional or psychological factors such as depression, low self-esteem or anxiety, seeing a doctor will help in restoring balance within the mind, body and eventually sexual energy.”
—Tyomi Morgan is a Sexuality Coach, Playboy Radio Host, and Resident Sexpert at SexpertTyomi.com .
Tinzley’s tip is for men, so you may want to share it with someone you love.
“Guys, we get it. Our warm vaginas are extremely mesmerizing. We know you want to be all up in it but please remember… It’s a gentle place and she requires gentle strokes and caresses that make our toes curl up.
I like a man to rub me gently and turn me on without leaving carve marks on my treasure chest with sharp unfiled nails! Calm down and just stroke with your hands. Don’t attack the vajayjay.”
—Tinzley Bradford is known as Settle-Free Dating Coach and author of The Settle-Free Dating Method for Women . Get her advice at MenWomenDatingFromTinzley.com .
“Neither of you are mind readers. Talk transparently about your likes, dislikes, wants and needs. To have a truly intimate experience, tell your partner where you like to be touched. The more comfortable you are communicating your sexual desires, the better your sexual experience will be.
Focus on pleasing each other. Sex should be a time of selfless connecting with your love; a time of making sure your partners needs and wants are met. If your focus is pleasing him and his focus is pleasing you, both of you will be pleased in the end.”
—Yvonne Chase aka The Single Woman’s Cheerleader is a dating and relationship coach to singles and pre-committed couples. Find her at YvonneChase.com mixing her Christian faith with pop culture.
I hope that you’ve enjoyed all of the steamy tips from my sexpert besties. Here’s one to keep
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