Rough Sex Toys

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Rough Sex Toys


By:



Luke McKinney



February 26, 2011

Kind of relieved to learn that Soylent Green won't work out after all.
Reminder: canonically Pokémon and humans used to get married.
It's time we finally save New Mombasa.
These days, the name “Tesla” is synonymous with “crashing into things and catching on fire,” which is basically how the man himself operated.
Developers, who hurt you and made you so weird?
As anyone this side of the Hall of Justice will tell you, the first sign of megavillainy is declaring that everyone else in the world is wrong and you're right. We've found seven people with the ego, the balls and the terrifying machinery to shout, "Everyone in the world was boning wrong before I came along!"
P.S. -- The second sign of megavillainy is applying for a patent to prove it.
This looks understandable, though tragic.
Hey guys, how many times has this happened to you? You're having sex with a real woman, and you can't see what's going on inside her v-hole? THAT'S THE WORST, RIGHT? It sure was to Ken E. Wong, and he decided to do something about it. By inventing a transparent cock sock.
Now at first, this just appears to be a Fleshlight, the tube-shaped masturbation aid some of you may own at this very moment. He describes it as a "liquid-filled sheath" for "human males who, for whatever reason , desire to experience the simulated sensations of sexual intercourse without the benefit of a female partner." We particularly like the "for whatever reason," as though there are any number of not-sad explanations you'd own one of these, and not just "lack of willing female partner and /or excess of restraining orders."
But the real crazy hits the fan when this player spent hundreds of words complaining about how every other vaginal replacement product hid his glorious penis from him during intercourse. As if seeing his penis in action was the whole point of sex altogether. That's why he built this: Unless he hooks up with one of the aliens from The Abyss or Sue Storm, he's completely given up on finding his perfect woman. Because their stupid vaginas keeping hiding his glorious manhood.
First, Sex Bong is a great name for a band, and we're claiming it. Second, we wish that was all it was.
"Method of using a water pipe" is a pretty coy description from someone installing weed paraphernalia into a woman's baby-maker. The sex bong uses the vagina as a water reservoir for a bong, while the smoker "provides stimulating bubbles." Because apparently this guy thought if his mouth was sucking in illegal substances, it might as well be providing someone with an orgasm at the same time.
For anyone who's ever actually been a woman, or had an orgasm , this idea is more terrible than using tectonic drift as an egg timer. Actually it's twice as bad as that since the tempo is wrong twice. First, they're called bong rips for a reason. The best way to take them has more in common with band aid removal than it does with the slow and steady tempo of good sex. On the off chance that this experience does get her in the mood, the bong user is going to be more interesting in relaxing, and watching Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray. If anyone manages to have sex after using this thing, it's going to be the sexual equivalent of the Flash arguing with a giant redwood. Which we're fairly sure happened in a comic once and are absolutely sure didn't involve crotches.
For anyone who's ever longed for a jerking-activated PowerPoint presentation of porn, we have your patent. It works like this: You put the jerking glove on, then sensors register your, umm, jerkingness, and respond to your arousal by putting appropriate images on your computer screen. This man uses more science to put porn on his monitor than NASA used to put man on the moon. Behold:
And by the way, in order to get that whole "sensing how stimulated you are" bit just right, he's got rubber and metal rings on the jerking hand. And apparently has no problem with that. It's like he doesn't even understand how masturbation works. He's either Hellraiser or a T-1000 who's forgotten his programming -- those of us with non-metallic/masochistic genitals aren't excited by electrically power-sanding them.
The rest of the patent reads like Lieutenant Commander Data just discovered his own crotch and spent the rest of his life wiring it to things. High technology and gratuitous self-manipulation haven't been so blatantly combined since Evangelion.
This is exactly what it looks like: a product that converts a woman's toothbrush into a vibrator .
Stuart Harkness' electric toothbrush conversion kit has a target market of less than zero. It's like releasing a Pokemon-brand condom: Nobody wants to use it, or if they do, they certainly shouldn't be allowed to. Anyone OK with combining crotch and dental care is probably growing enough cultures in both regions that this will act as a shuttle bus between the two civilizations.
The crazy thing doesn't even fit over regular electric toothbrushes -- it requires users to buy his special Swiss Army Orifice toothbrush, which can be connected not only to a brush but also to various terrifying drills. Apparently, Harkness thinks the birth canal is part of a Constructo set. He'll probably include a bidet hose and colonoscopy probe as soon as he finds out girls have that hole, too. This is something a nine-year-old boy would invent before working out he was gay, and even then it wouldn't matter because he was going to stay a virgin anyway.
This is another patent that reveals much more about the inventor than what he actually invented. This guy proposed a Saw -style contraption to tell when people are sexually excited by sensing genital swelling. Because the penis is normally so subtle about that. The device involves copper wiring, hinges, electricity and harnesses -- he only needs hissing spiders to complete our "things we don't want on our dick" list.
Because apparently, it works on boobs, too. Anything claiming to fit both penis and breast is either a human mouth or lying (and not nearly as much fun). He also suggests it could be used by federal agencies to detect "deviant sexual tendencies," which is pretty ballsy for someone who built an electrical cock-collar and then told the government, "THIS IS MINE. I DID THIS."
Patent # US 20060111650A1 (Note: Do NOT offer to wash the dishes in this man's house.)
The very first line of this patent is "A volumetric device for measuring a body part," which is a bit shy for a man who invented a way to stick his dick in a water hole that wasn't his wife.
The insane obsession with dick length is shared only by men who both
a) spend more time worrying about their penis than using it, and
b) are at the lower end of that scale. This inventor might be the worst of all because he's not just insecure enough to care about penis size, he's pedantic enough to say " Actually we should measure it like this ."
In what must be the least likely (or useful) diagnostic argument in history, Jason Turner claims it's not length or girth but cubic volume that really matters when it comes to dicks. And to find out how much penis the penis is capable of penising, this invention uses water displacement to do the job. In other words, you stick your junk in a water-filled box, and however much water is kicked out by your dick tells you how big said dick is. IT'S SO SIMPLE.
Except this aquatic genital measurement kit has more configurations than the average Transformer and requires a magic watertight barrier that doesn't actually exist. There's absolutely no thought given to removing it without a mess, presumably because as far as Turner is concerned, once you've got your dick in something AND you know how big it is, there's nothing else you could possibly care about. Enjoy cleaning out a sink of penis water, Mrs. Turner.
Leave it to the French to come up with a sex outfit that will protect you from every STD ever, including AIDS, dignity and air. This is the ultimate in safe sex, and that's "ultimate" as in "last," because anything you need this to screw is going to just kill you anyway. It's like someone was commanded to have a threesome with Tila Tequila and Charlie Sheen and had five minutes to design some way to survive.
The result looks like Tony Stark was stuck in a cave full of Wellington boots instead of weapons.
It's sexy talk taken much too far -- it's one thing to call her a dirty girl, but another to spend an hour clambering into a more ridiculous suit than a Captain Planet villain. You'd also feel more if you stuck your dick in a tractor tire, and at least then there are probably Internet groups you can hang out with.
The sex doesn't stop there, folks. Get some more in our new book (that you can have sex with).
We've got your morning reading covered.
These make the Playstation Vita look like a smash hit.
Vlad the Impaler went a little overboard on the whole being a really creepy dude schtick he really loved to lean into.
Do aliens exist? Probably! Are they cool? Probably not.
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Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.

Ryn Pfeuffer
Ryn Pfeuffer is a queer sex and relationships writer, and over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, Shape, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, and WIRED.


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Among the 10 most common kinks and fetishes Americans fantasize about, BDSM takes the number one spot. According to a survey by Kinsey Institute researchers and Men's Health advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., 93% of men and 96% of women have desired some aspect of BDSM before—and that includes bondage.
BDSM—an umbrella term that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism—is all about consensually playing with power dynamics, and restraining someone with rope, cuffs, silk ties, or other kinds of bondage toys can be a great way to make that happen.
Generally, during bondage play, a Dominant partner will restrain a submissive partner to "make" the sub give or receive sexual pleasure. If you're newer to bondage and BDSM, maybe the Dominant partner binds the submissive's wrists with soft silk ties before trailing kisses all over their body. If you're more experienced, the Dominant partner could tie up their submissive using Shibari (i.e. Japanese rope bondage) techniques and edge them until they beg to have an orgasm ... Or make them wear an open-mouth gag or a chastity cage as form of BDSM punishment ... The list of fun ways to use bondage during sex is endless. (Pssst: Our 4-week kinky sex challenge is jam-packed with ideas for bringing bondage and other forms of BDSM into the bedroom.)
And even if you don't consider yourself someone who's "into" BDSM, you can still incorporate any of these toys into your sex life to spice things up from time to time. With that said, here are 24 of our favorite bondage sex toys.
You can imagine our surprise when we learned these gag lips are marketed as "anti-wrinkling muscle tighteners." Sorry, but no. They are for giving blowjobs and only for giving blowjobs—specifically, where the wearer's mouth is forced to stay open.
If you want to step into the world of bondage rope, this affordable kit is a great place to start. It comes with (1) 30' piece of rope, (2) 15' pieces of rope, EMT safety sheers (left-handed shears available, too), and a two-disc Getting Started DVD set.
Want to get kinky on the quick? Babeland Bondage Tape is a binding miracle. It sticks to itself, but not to skin. Imagine the possibilities: mummy play, skin-tight fetish outfits, light-proof blindfolds—all with no pain (unless, of course, you want some).
If you want to play with restraints, these silky sashes are a luxurious tether for wrapping wrists, ankles, gagging, or use as a blindfold.
Transform any bed into a BDSM playground with this simple restraint set. Pop it under a mattress, adjust the straps, and keep your partner's wrists and ankles exactly where you want them to be.
Slip a blindfold over your eyes, and feel your senses heighten as your partner teases and takes control of your pleasure. Then, take submission one step further by adding wrist restraints to the sexy mix.
An open mouth means open possibilities. This mouth hood takes away a partner's sense of sight and sound and exposes their mouth to naughty options.
Put this collar on your special submissive someone and show off your dominance. Fur lining makes it comfy enough for extended wear; a decorative ring makes it easy to leash your partner for bondage play.
Possess your partner like a prized pet with this bondage collar, then snap the gender-neutral clamps on their nipples for the ultimate combination of pleasure and pain.
These aren't just nipple clamps—they connect to the clitoris, as well. With these, the euphoric pain rushes through your partner's body.
This adjustable, leather-like harness fits a range of female-presenting bodies. It has a choker and chrome hardware and will look fantastic worn alone or beneath your clothing for a more subtle effect.
When it comes to cock rings, vibrating versions can add an extra layer of fun to fucking. Vibrations from the ears are surprisingly strong, delivering a steady stream of pleasure to either a clit or balls, depending upon how you wear it.
An ordinary cock ring or even one that vibrates? Not kinky at all. But one that actually shocks your penis? Yes, that is kinky. (Obviously, please use safely and read our article on electro-stimulation before trying it out.)
For those who are only allowed to orgasm when their master says they can.
Lift your legs or tilt your hips for easy G-spot access with the Enchanted Spreader Bar. This strong, rigid bar has velvety cuffs that make it easy to spread and secure ankles and wrists.
While on the cheaper side for a sex swing , this one still is highly rated on Lovehoney. It's great for couples who don't have a ton of space in their home.
This bondage kit is ideal for couples who are interested in BDSM and pegging . (Make sure to read our tips on how to bottom before getting pegged!)
If you want a simple-to-use restraint that won't break, snag clothes, or irritate the skin, these silicone wrist cuffs are flexible for comfort yet plenty strong enough to restrain.
A great kit that has everything a BDSM newbie could want: cuffs, restraints, a blindfold, ball gag, and more.
If you like a serious deep-dicking (or strap-on fuck), this sling hoists thighs nice and high or puts feet in a stirrup-like position for a whole new world of angles.
If you want full access to your partner's clit, labia, and vagina, this clamp will pinch and spread their delicate parts for maximum teasing and torture.
These hunter green bondage beauties look elegant AF, but they also do an excellent job of keeping wrists where they belong. And if your submissive likes to struggle and escape, there's a lockable buckle.
So, you've got your partner's wrists restrained exactly where you want them. Next step? Keep them from squirming with these soft padded ankle cuffs.
Alright, so if you've never seen someone use an anal hook, we recommend you quickly search for it on Pornhub. These hooks go inside your anus, and then typically connect to a harness (or another part of your body) using rope. Obviously, it's not for beginners.

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There are plenty of adult toys that are weird, creepy, or just completely random. These are not those toys. No, the following "sexy" items are literally frightening, from misogynistic sex doll heads to icky fake vaginas thongs. Nightmares await, dear Cosmo readers. Warning, guys. Some of these are, um, NSFW.
There are plenty of adult toys that are weird, creepy, or just completely random. These are not those toys. No, the following "sexy" items are literally frightening, from misogynistic sex doll heads to icky fake vaginas thongs. Nightmares await, dear Cosmo readers. Warning, guys. Some of these are, um, NSFW.
For all those times a man wants to get busy with a woman who collects Social Security.
This lifelike love doll comes with an optional "voice component." And in case you're thinking that this "toy" seems tame compared to the others, don't worry, there's an available model called "teen's body" which is exactly as horrifying as what it sounds like.
Because who wouldn't want a product that the bleeding that (sometimes) occurs when you lose your virginity?
There are few things more offensive than the product description for this toy: "Pull her hair, smack her face, and shove your hard-on halfway down her trachea! This cum-crazed cutie can't wait to swallow every last drop of dick drool." Misogyny at its finest.
This toy plugs right into a car's cigarette lighter so a guy can get the full, faux road head experience.
Yes, this is a sex doll for YOUR DOG to hump.
In case you're unsure what exactly this is, allow me to explain: This fake vagina g-string covers a man's junk so he can pretend to have ladyparts — and even have sex with a guy using it. The concept of testing out a sex change? Not scary. This ugly rendition of a vagina? Horrifying.
Disembodied female orifices seem to be a "thing" — this one is a fake butt/half of a girl bending over for a guy to get off with.
These special pants allow guys to pee into a tube and then have that pee give them an ass-enema. I'm not sure what's scarier, the fact that some men are into this or how unsani
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