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Marissa Gainsburg
Marissa Gainsburg is the Features Director at Women's Health, where she oversees the magazine's news-meets-trends Warm Up section and Love & Life section.
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Instead of wasting an hour flipping through Netflix, then Hulu, then Netflix again in hopes of deciding on a dram-edy for your Friday night in, consider a much hotter type of screen time in bed: watching porn together.
“Watching people have sex is hot in itself, but when you engage in something you don’t usually do with another person, you create an extra element of naughtiness,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin . That added illicit feeling can be enough to make sure you—not just the actors on your screen—enjoy a, er, climactic finish.
But watching porn together offers a handful of other benefits beyond just getting off (not that that’s not worthy on its own). So read on...then get browsing, girl.
Real talk: Your partner, especially if he’s male, has very, VERY likely watched porn . And chances are, you have, too. But most people watch it by themselves, either because they don't want their S.O. to get offended, or worse, because they're secretly ashamed.
"Watching porn together means you don't have to hide anything," says sex and relationship expert Christie Hartman , PhD. "And being open and honest strengthens your bond."
So if you think cozying up to spectate a super-intense 69 sesh is something only hookup buddies would do, think again: Allowing a partner to enter into your “private life” opens up a whole new level of intimacy.
How do your thoughts on porn compare to others? Women get real, here:
You know those random things that turn you on? Like, seeing someone handcuffed to a bed, or watching a woman have her nipples nibbled on (even if you’re not totally sure you’d like to be that person IRL).
Viewing porn with your partner creates an immediate opportunity to talk about those hot buttons in a safe space: You can comment as you watch—“Hmm, that looks kinda fun…”—without having to straight-up ask for a specific sexy deed, which can be intimidating.
Likewise, your partner may have some turn-ons that they haven’t felt comfortable voicing when it’s just the two of you (and no actors) in the room. If they see something that intrigues them while you watch porn together, they can approach the act/position/fetish/insert-sexy-thing-here and likely get an honest reaction from you (“No way!” or “Omg, let’s try it”).
P.S. More than half of women in one survey said watching porn together gave them the confidence to ask for what they want in bed. So…it works.
Watching people get it on while you’re with your partner is insanely stimulating to the brain, almost like watching a scary movie together or drinking together, explains Hartman.
Assuming you actually like your partner, and you’re choosing a film that both of you are into, “sharing in the excitement is what makes watching porn together so amazing,” she says.
Plus, just watching your partner get aroused as they view what’s happening on-screen can be ridiculously stirring for you, too, adds sex therapist Barbara Winters, PhD. This goes for men more so than women, since guys typically feel powerful when they're able to turn on their partner, she notes.
Still, if you’re the type of girl who loves getting your partner off, chances are, you’ll love watching them watch others.
You can read about every sex position in the world, but nothing comes close to actually seeing a crazy setup in action. Watching real people (okay, porn stars) enjoy non-vanilla sex can make what may have seemed unrealistic more doable and fun.
"Watching porn together may encourage couples to try role-play, new positions, or acts they haven't tried before," says Hartman. "A little adventure is good for a relationship, especially after being together for a long time."
A lot of porn may seem “out there,” since the traditional, mainstream type often caters to more casual, rough encounters than sweet, intimate sex (the kind many women prefer).
And when you’re watching porn on your own, you may stick to the same kinds of videos over and over, which is totally fine—but may keep you from exploring other types that you may actually find super hot.
When watching with your partner, though, you’ll likely get a sneak peek at what they like to watch, opening your world, says Marin. The result? You might uncover fantasies you didn’t even know you had.
Good Q! And it’s actually a really simple answer: Just ask.
“Most men will jump at the idea to watch porn with their partner,” says Marin. Similarly, if your significant other is female, she’ll very likely love the thought of participating in something that will get you both going.
Approach them by saying something like, “I’m curious about what kind of porn you watch. Want to see if we can find a video we’d both like to watch together?” suggests Marin.
If they’re not into it—or they mention the idea to you and you’re not feelin' it—don’t push it. Watching porn isn't for everyone, so you should never feel obligated or pressured to partake.
"Ethical porn can be more enjoyable to watch as a couple."
You may also want to consider watching a specific category called “ethical porn,” Marin says. “Ethical porn, which is often produced by female filmmakers, is more realistic and not degrading, so it can be more enjoyable to watch as a couple," she explains.
Even still, if you give watching porn together a try and it makes either of you uncomfortable, no worries. Agree to close that browser window and,ya know, maybe give that random Hulu movie another chance.
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Porn is great. It's a solid solo activity that helps you enhance your fantasy life. Yet, many of us want to include our partners in the fun but aren't sure how.
In theory, watching porn with your partner is an easy, cheap way to really spice things up betwixt the sheets. It may seem a little intimidating at first, but it is just a movie. Porn isn't cheating, and it certainly isn't a reflection of the quality of your sex life.
Actually, studies have shown that couples who watch porn have healthier sex lives . See? It's not even us; it's science. How do you even have that conversation with the person you're dating? It's a touchy subject. The last thing you want is to make your partner feel inadequate or offended.
Here is how to watch porn with your partner, because we all know making it happen is the hardest part of all.
You know what your partner will not love? Going into the bedroom looking to get some action, only to be met with an unexpected bondage video on RedTube. Watching porn is an acquired taste, and not everyone is trying to have a lick. So, before you go pulling any surprises on your boo, have a conversation.
You need to make sure this is something you are both down to try before you go forth and get freaky with your flicks. If you do something that freaks your partner out, they are not going to want to have sex with you at all. This is a no-win situation.
You do not have to stage some grand event for the porno chat. Ask your partner what some of his or her fantasies are and then share yours. Make the conversation about both of you, rather than just your desires. If you express that watching porn together is a way to spice things up and bring you closer, you'll up your chances of inspiring enthusiasm.
Are you into leather and gang bangs? That is fabulous, but maybe your partner is not into that. When you're watching porn with someone else , you have to take their tastes into consideration.
Instead of throwing on your favorite videos and hoping for the best, browse together. Find something new. It will show your partner that you care about what he or she likes. This will make the experience less scary if he or she hasn't watched porn with someone (or anyone) before.
Encourage your partner to choose something he or she thinks they might find hot. The exploration is part of the foreplay and it will help get you both in the mood for the main attraction (read: the sex).
Before you start anything, remember that clear boundaries need to be set up. I know it may seem silly; porn is just a video, right? Wrong.
People have very strong feelings about pornography. It can turn you on like radio, or it can shut you down faster than a startup without funding.
However unlikely, be aware that your partner may have an intense negative reaction to whatever it is you're watching. Do not ignore signs of discomfort. Check in from time to time. Let your partner know that he or she doesn't have to watch it if it's making him or her feel gross.
If your partner is feeling awkward or uncomfortable (or angry), turn off the porn. It's great that you're spicing things up and being adventurous, but you do not want to push someone past their boundaries when this is all new.
The porn isn't going anywhere. If you need to take a break and try again later, it's not the end of the world. Props for giving it a go. For many people, porn takes getting used to. Patience on both your ends is required.
Despite what many a past study will tell you of the dangers of pornography, you're not some depraved soul in need of redemption because you like smut. If porn were so incredibly bad, wouldn't we be dumping our partners to hide in our basements and whack off all day long?
In fact, according to a study in the journal Current Sexual Health Reports , porn is not addictive at all — the research that has been done on porn is highly flawed and inconclusive. The researchers in the study actually found that men who watch porn report a higher level of satisfaction with their sex lives.
Porn is a safe and healthy way to explore your sexuality, and viewing it with your partner can bring the two of you closer together. As with all things, use porn in moderation. If your porn consumption is negatively affecting your real relationship, you should probably consider scaling back.
If you're looking to try something new and want to include your partner in a sexy thing you enjoy while living your best life, you do you.
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