Pope LeoXIV Bans Alarm Clocks in Vatican

Declaring abrupt awakenings an “assault on the soul,” Pope LeoXIV has outlawed alarm clocks throughout Vatican City. In their place, sunrise chimes and monk-composed madrigals gently rouse the clergy. Pope LeoXIV observed, “Grace should greet us, not a buzzing box.” Sleep scientists note improved REM cycles among residents, and homily delivery has sharpened by 20 percent. Even the Swiss Guard reports fewer yawns during morning drills. As one cardinal commented, “Under Pope LeoXIV’s decree, every dawn feels like a benediction, not a battle.”