My Wife Likes Rough Sex
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My Wife Likes Rough Sex
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By Lisa Fogarty Published: Dec 5, 2016
As they confessed, they each added some version of the same caveat to their sex anecdotes: "You know I'm a feminist!"
Being dominated means that a woman does not have to make any decisions and the burden of responsibility can be shed for a time.
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Even (or especially) if they are bold, independent women outside the bedroom.
One night, after too many whiskey sours, the conversation among a group of my closest friends and I turned to sex. We're not a judge-y group, nor are we bashful when it comes to providing the intimate details of our sex lives . And, yet, when one of my friends revealed that she falls off the orgasmic cliff when her boyfriend calls her a "whore" just as she's about to come, she lowered her eyelids to the table.
She seemed almost apologetic. "You guys know me, you know I'm a feminist," she told us. "But I can't help it — that word makes me insane. In a really good way."
One by one, the "degrading sex" dominoes began to fall. One friend confessed she finds it hot when her husband slaps her with his penis. Another begs her boyfriend to ejaculate on her face while she kneels at his feet.
Are my friends just a bunch of freaks? Actually, far from it — they're all successful, strong, intelligent women who are in solid relationships. And as they confessed, they each added some version of the same caveat to their sex anecdotes: "You know I'm a feminist!"
Many of us have forgotten that being a strong woman who demands equal pay for equal work and supports the rights and equality of all genders doesn't mean we aren't entitled to our idiosyncratic turn-ons — particularly if those turn-ons involve being submissive to a man . And the fact that the acts described by my friends are considered "degrading" may be part of the problem.
"Women are expected to be polite, pretty, and perfect in our male-dominated world," says Dr. Paul Hokemeyer , a licensed marriage and family therapist who is a certified clinical trauma specialist. "In the bedroom, however, they can regain control of their bodies, their minds, and their mate. On the surface, being dominated seems demeaning; in the world at large, that is the case. But in the intimacy of a sexual encounter it puts the women in charge of her body and her relationship." It's more than a little ironic, but powerful women might feel sexually powerful by opting to lose their power. Phew.
In pop culture, the women who indulge in the submissive role in BDSM sex tend to be meek themselves, like Anastasia Steele in 50 Shades of Grey , who succumb to the dominant sexual fantasies of a powerful, somewhat psychotic man. But in real life, the personality traits of women who get a kick out of rape fantasies are far more varied. And "docile" is probably the last adjective you'd use to describe them.
"Often, women who like to be dominated by men, and who prefer something that is considered culturally taboo, are [often] in positions of power and/or have a lot of responsibility in their lives," says Dr. Holly Richmond , a certified sex therapist and somatic psychologist. "She could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or she could be stay-at-home mom of three. Both positions require a great degree of authority, dependability (ensuring others are taken care of), and self-discipline. Being dominated means that a woman does not have to make any decisions and the burden of responsibility can be shed for a time."
To the uninitiated, submissive sex may seem like an excuse for a woman to get treated like crap because she views herself as crap — meaning, she's insecure. Nothing could be further from the truth. At its root, the desire to be "taken" is actually about having the highest form of power over a man, Richmond explains. Being thrown on a bed and even held down makes the submissive feel like her partner cannot control himself or keep his hands off of her. He wants her and only her. She is so sexy and desirable that he can't help but ravage her, Richmond suggests.
Of course, your feminist (or rather, human) antenna may have perked up at the idea of being held down, or forced, into a sexual situation. It's crucial to make a distinction between consensual sexual pleasure that involves acts both partners have agreed upon, and nonconsensual assaults that bring one person pleasure at the expense of the other.
There's no shame is feeling turned on by masochistic sex acts. If you're curious to try something , there's no reason why you can't float your fantasies by your partner and find out if he's on board. But conversation is key. Without it, could easily be misunderstood by your partner, damage your relationship, and even put your mental and emotional health at risk.
"If you truly do want to try out your masochistic sexual fantasy, you need to be pretty clear about exactly what is a turn-on , and exactly how far you wish to go," says Dr. Gail Saltz , a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, best-selling author, and host of the Power of Different podcast. "You need to establish parameters for when 'no' means 'NO', and that this is purely sex play entirely separate from wanting a mutually respectful, shared relationship outside the bedroom. This will likely take multiple conversations, both inside and outside the bedroom, with lots of feedback from your partner [to make sure] they too are comfortable with this type of sexual play."
As long as you're in control of when and how you engage in and define submissive sex — whether that to you means being held down, wearing a collar and leash, begging for his penis, and, well, I could go on and on — there's no shame in your game. Know what you like, express it like a boss, and give both yourself and your partner serious pleasure.
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by Jenn Sinrich Published: Aug 2, 2016
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Sure, it might not be for everyone. But more women are in favor of rough, dominating, and submissive sex than against it. According to a study by the University of North Texas, 57 percent of sexually active ladies are turned on by the idea of forceful sex . “It all comes down to the fact that we want to be desired,” says Claudia Six, Ph.D., sexologist, relationship coach and author of Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Yourself Sexually . And that's totally natural and integral to a healthy, satisfying sex life, says Six.
But what “ rough sex ” means to you depends a lot on your comfort level. From some, it could be as hardcore as slapping or bondage, says Dawn Michael, Ph.D., certified sexuality counselor, clinical sexologist, and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me . For others, it could be as minimal as trying a new position.
Here’s how to leave soft sex behind and turn up the heat just enough.
Do It with Someone You Trust
Rough sex is best with someone you’re in a relationship with or at least know well. “Aside from the safety perspective, you should feel comfortable enough to test out your true desires and fantasies with this person,” says Michael. But being single is no reason to deny yourself a gratifying ponytail pull. “I just wouldn’t advise doing it with a total stranger who doesn’t know you or your limitations,” she says.
“It all comes down to the fact that we want to be desired.”
Discuss Before Getting Down
Tell your partner in advance that you want to try something spicier in the sack before asking him to tie you up mid-romp. “Frame the conversation in a positive way right off the bat,” says Grant Brenner, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist in New York City and author of IRRELATIONSHIP: How We Use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy . For example, tell your partner that you trust him and feel comfortable enough to share your fantasy with him. “Then, bring up the idea of rough sex in a way that doesn't feel shameful .” It’s normal to be anxious about how your partner will respond, but try not to let embarrassment creep in, says Brenner.
Make a To-Do and a To-Don't List
It's important to go over some ground rules before busting out the handcuffs. This will help you both figure out what you're comfortable doing—and don’t skimp on the details. “Be crystal clear about how rough you want your hair pulled or how hard and frequently you want to be spanked,” says Six. He wants to provide pleasure for you—so your job is to tell him how , says Six. Talk about the parts of rough sex that appeal to you, like being overpowered or having someone do forbidden things to you that you can't prevent. And don’t forget to discuss whether you should play rough back or remain subservient.
Take It Slow
Start with a simple bondage technique to get a feel for what it's like to submit to your partner. Grab a scarf or ribbon and have your partner tie you to the bed or a chair. Whatever you use, make sure it’s tight enough to restrict your movements. Next, have your partner blindfold you to heighten your sensations. Then have him use ice cubes, candle wax, a vibrator, or even his hand to stimulate your erogenous zones , says Six.
When You’re Ready, Speed Things Up
There’s no shame in asking him to turn up the dial on the roughness. If you’re not getting turned on, let him know. Guide him by saying things like, "harder" or "again," says Six. If you're looking for stronger physical stimulation, ask your partner to use something a little firmer like a paddle on the intimate areas of your body. Have him go from slow to fast and soft to hard, depending on how you're feeling.
"Be crystal clear about how rough you want your hair pulled."
Do What Comes Naturally
Besides getting consent and ensuring safety, there are no rules when it comes to rough sex. “Don’t be concerned about doing something how you might have seen it in porn ,” says Six. You may reach your big O in record time or it might take longer than normal. The key is to enjoy each other.
Keep It Safe
The reality is that there’s no place for anger, frustration, or revenge in the bedroom—unless it’s part of a totally pretend fantasy. “It’s completely possible to keep a sense of spontaneity and excitement while checking in at appropriate moments to make sure both of you are comfortable with what’s happening,” says Brenner. “And if one person isn't, it’s time to slow down and shift towards something that’ll work for both of you.”
Jenn Sinrich is an experienced writer, digital and social editor, and content strategist covering health, fitness, beauty, and relationships. After a decade-long career in New York City working in the magazine industry and at a myriad of digital publications, Jenn returned to her hometown just north of Boston to pursue freelancing full-time.
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by Alisa Hrustic Published: Apr 18, 2017
Alisa Hrustic Deputy Editor, Prevention
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Here’s your excuse to try something kinky tonight : After polling more than 400,000 OkCupid members, the dating website found that 62 percent of women enjoy rough sex .
Why? Being bitten, scratched, or spanked increases your blood pressure and heart rate in response to the pain, explains sex researcher Nicole Prause, Ph.D. When that happens during sex, some people interpret it as sexual excitement.
Plus, there are areas of your brain where pain responses and sexual arousal overlap, she says. (The benefits go beyond the bedroom, too. Here’s how kinky sex may actually be good for your mental health .)
So what actually turns women on when they’re feeling a little adventurous? Sixty-two percent of them said having their hair pulled gets them going, while about 60 percent liked it when their partner took control, the poll found.
Other things that topped their list of kinky behaviors? Being bitten, hearing derogatory terms, and being tied up.
In fact, the survey found that OkCupid members are 23 percent more likely to say they’re into BDSM than they were in 2013. Coincidentally, a big spike occurred around Valentine’s Day, when Fifty Shades Darker made its debut in theaters.
Just keep in mind that this isn’t something you surprise your partner with during sex. If you both want to get a little adventurous, talk about things beforehand to make sure you both feel safe.
If she gives you the green light for some hair pulling, biting, and taking control—here are four ways to try rough sex tonight .
Additional reporting by Carrie Borzillo
Alisa Hrustic is the deputy editor at Prevention , where she leads the brand’s digital editorial strategy. She’s spent the last five years interviewing top medical experts, interpreting peer-reviewed studies, and reporting on health, nutrition, weight loss, and fitness trends for national brands like Women’s Health and Men’s Health . She spends most of her days diving into the latest wellness trends, writing and editing stories about health conditions, testing skincare products, and trying to understand the next greatest internet obsession.
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