Man City Dominates Man United in Derby
Man United Vs Man City'DERBY DISASTER FOR UNITED AS CITY CRUSH RED DREAMS IN ETIHAD THRILLER!'
By Tommy 'Tabloid' Trent
Manchester, UK – In a clash that had more drama than a Love Island reunion, Manchester City left their rivals Manchester United in tatters with a dominant 3-1 victory at the Etihad! The Sky Blues turned up the heat, while the Red Devils were left seeing stars—and not the kind they’re used to buying for £80 million!
Haaland the HUNTER Strikes Again!
Erling Haaland, the Nordic nightmare, bulldozed through United’s defense like a kid in a candy store, bagging a brace before halftime! The first was a thunderous header, the second a cold-blooded penalty after a clumsy challenge from Harry Maguire—who else?
Pep Guardiola was grinning like a Cheshire cat, while Erik ten Hag looked like he’d just bitten into a lemon.
Rashford’s Rare Flash of Hope
United’s only moment of joy came when Marcus Rashford—fresh off another 'should he stay or should he go?' debate—blasted a worldie into the top corner. But just as the away fans dared to dream…
Foden FIRES City to Glory!
Phil Foden, the local lad turned superstar, sealed the deal with a dazzling solo effort, leaving Casemiro in the dust before curling one past André Onana—who, let’s be honest, might need a new pair of gloves after this one!
Post-Match Fireworks!
Roy Keane on Sky Sports: 'United were an absolute disgrace. No fight, no passion—just a bunch of Instagram stars!'
Paul Pogba (watching from a luxury box in Dubai, probably): 'I don’t miss this.'
Fans FUME as Jadon Sancho posts a cryptic tweet mid-game: 'Loyalty is rare…' (Ten Hag’s response? A death stare.)
Final Whistle Verdict
🔵 City: Marching towards another title. Haaland eating defenders for breakfast.
🔴 United: Crisis mode activated. Will Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s billions fix this mess? Or is it time for another 'project reset'?
Next Up:
United host Everton—can they avoid another embarrassment?
City eyeing a quadruple—can anyone stop them?
One thing’s for sure… Manchester is BLUE! 💙
#DERBYDRAMA #TENHAGOUT? #HAALANDGOALMACHINE
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