Little Girls Sex Taboo

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Little Girls Sex Taboo
Can hardly believe I'm writing this but after a week of hardly no sleep and relationship at breaking point, I need more outside advice. My daughter turns 14 in December. At the beginning of May this year, 5 months ago, she started her first relationship. This boy is 2 school years above her, it works out about 18 months older than her. They had been "talking" on and off for about 6 months prior to going official, so by the time they went official, they were already pretty close. I met him almost immediately, we are a large, close family and I always wanted my kids partners to be welcomed and for us all to get on. Especially with her only being 13, I needed and wanted to get to know this person well, who she was starting to spend a lot with. I am a very open and honest mum and have always spoke openly with my kids about anything they wanted to talk about.. My thinking has always been, if they are asking, they are wanting to know, and if they can't ask me, they will ask someone else, who may not know themselves. I warmed immediately to this boy and he fit really easily into the family. It was like he'd always been here. I genually care about him. I spent a lot of time with my daughter and boyfriend, we all got on great. We were always chatting about anything and everything. I was able to speak openly to both of them about her only been 13 and said that they could come to me about anything and I would be supportive. They both constantly reassured me that they weren't ready for anything sexual and they felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they felt things were progressing. I must admit, I found myself stressing out numerous occasions, worrying about what if etc and when this happened, I would speak to them about what was on my mind. I truly, 100% believed that I had done everything in my power, to connect with two love struck teenagers and constantly prided myself on the fact that we had a great relationship. I felt lucky that my daughters first love, wasn't an absolute nightmare, but a boy who genually wanted us to like him and be part of the family. Last Wednesday night I was driving him home, only us two as my daughter wasn't feeling well, when out of the blue he said he needed to tell me something. He confessed that they were having sex. That they had been the entire time and he couldn't carrying on lying to me anymore. He said that by the time he met me and got to know me, they had already had sex and by the time he realised they could of actually talked to me, the lies had got bigger and it was too much. Also my daughter had promised him never ever to tell me as I would stop them seeing each other. Apparently a condom broke on them (don't even believe they have been using them) and they had to do a pregnancy test. My world literally stopped that night. I felt like I was in another universe. I can't believe this is happening to us. The amount of lies my daughter has told me, is actually unforgivable. I just can't look at her in the same way at all. We just don't lie and the amount of lies she's told me, is just totally heartbreaking. I've spoke to her once about it, I was calm, matter of fact and blunt. When I really wanted to slap her, scream in her face and call her every name under the sun. She didn't speak just listened and then went upstairs crying. The next day I took her to our doctors, who put her on the pill and I made her do a pregnancy test, which was thankfully negative. We haven't spoken since. I just can't. And she hasn't tried. My hurt is running so deep inside me, it's like its changed me and how I feel about her. I've asked the boyfriend not to come round as seeing them here together just reminds me of what I thought we all had, and the amount of lies they have told. I have still been allowing her to his house, which is causing me some dilemma. I don't want to ban them seeing each other as they go to the same school anyway, plus they are that consumed with each other, I worry if I push them apart, they may do something stupid. I just can't see a way forward at all. The boyfriend has contacted me since and strangely enough, although I'm angry and upset they have done this so young, and the lies he has told me hurt, I can actually see his point of view. He was in a difficult position and not many 15 year olds would confide in their girlfriends Mum about this, I don't think. It's just the daughter. When I'm dropping her off, I'm thinking about, am I dropping her off for sex? When I'm picking her up, I'm thinking has she been having sex. Doing her washing and seeing a mark, thinking is it semem. I feel like I'm truly loosing my mind and can't think straight. Does anyone ever accept the fact their kids are having underage sex? Anyone that has gone through this and come out the other side, I would so appreciate your advise. This is the longest we have gone not speaking and I don't know how we can ever get it back.
Hi Kirsty, sorry but reading this it really seems you are the third wheel in their relationship. I think you need to back off a little, it's done now, you can't turn back time and erase the fact they have been having sex. I think it's amazing that actually you have taken this boy in and while yes she is 13, she is having sex in a relationship and now, protected. You will never be able to stop them having sex I'm afraid unless you break them up! Which i wouldn't say is the best idea. Life is too short not to speak to your daughter. Lots of teenagers are out sleeping around and doing whatever and she isn't!
Hi, I agree with Sarah. What's done is done now and don't let this get in the way of the fantastic relationship you have with them both. At least you know him and she's in a caring and loving relationship. Would you rather it happened this way or when she was older with someone you've never met or just doing it because everyone else was. I know it's easier said than done to let it go but I'm sure she couldn't tell you as she didn't know how you'd react or she didn't want to hurt you. Talk to her and trust her, it'll make your relationship even stronger. The last thing you want her to do is to start deliberately lying to see him. My mum was devastated when she found out I was having sex. She too found out through my then boyfriend. She was more hurt I didn't tell her and I didn't tell her because I wanted to stay her little girl. And now, we're so close - I tell her everything I still even now in my thirties want to be my mums little girl and hate disappointing her x You will get through this x
I'm sorry you are going though this. I would find it very hard with a 13 year old having sex too. But I don't agree that it's the norm nowadays.
Agree with above, you shouldn't push her away now. It's done, she obviously felt too scared or ashamed to tell you. And although I thinks it's FAR to young, you've done the right thing getting her on contraception. Good on him for being sensible (ha) enough to tell you before she did end up getting pregnant, give him abit of credit for being honest. I also think if this was my daughter I would rather she were having safe sex, she's going to do it whether you like it or not. But in saying that, I can imagine how you must feel, I would want to lock my daughter in her room!!
Your 13 year old sounds to be in a wonderful relationship which is rare for their age - going on a year long! Sure they had sex, but as much as you want to be open with your mum it's pretty embarrassing to find the right time and say they've done it - especially at such a young age. They dug themselves into a hole, one came clean, and now she's protected and you're aware. So move on? She knows you're mad she lied, but honestly she was in a pretty awkward situation. Teenagers hide stuff even if they don't need to, they're hormonal and they're embarrassed and as cool as parents say they will react - they might be scared of how you will actually react when it's told. They both clearly wanted to tell you but had dug themselves into such a hole, and then when the truth finally comes out you want to slap her? You're scaring her off from telling you stuff in the future, when instead you should be saying how glad you are that the truth is out etc etc. Stop punishing your daughter for being a teenager .
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Hi Kirsty, I think you have handled the situation very well. I would be the same, absolutely devastated at the lies and deceit - more so than the act itself maybe? These types of threads are always very divisive, some people think that 13 isn't too young, as if it's happened, it's happened. Personally I think it's way too young. I know it does happen, but at 13 it's not the norm. Most teenagers that age do not have sex. You can only go with what you believe is right. Personally I would stop her visiting his house, yes they can see each other in school, but that would be enough until she is older. If they are meant to be, they will still be together in a years time when she us 15 and you might reconsider. If he is as mature as he sounds, he will be ok with this. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for their comments. Must admit some felt quite harsh but I guess that's what happens when you put yourself out there, when you are at your most vulnerable. I have taken on board people's comments regarding me pushing her away. It was just my way of not saying something I couldn't take back. So this morning I made an effort over breakfast and complimented her hair and spoke about things in general. A very small thing, but a step in the right direction hopefully. And just before the school run she shouted me into the bathroom to tell me her period had started, so I took a deep breath and went for her contraceptive pills which she now needs to start. Maybe if we hadn't chatted over breakfast, she maybe wouldn't of dared mention her period? So this morning has gone well. Small steps every day I guess.
I have to agree with Anne. My feeling is that 13 is way too young for a sexual relationship. I have teenagers too and very few ( in fact I struggle to think of any) of their friends were having sex at that age. Fifteen perhaps, but even then sexually active kids are not in the majority. Technically it's rape, as a 13 year old is not mature enough ( still being a child ) to give consent.
I have to agree with Anne. My feeling is that 13 is way too young for a sexual relationship. I have teenagers too and very few ( in fact I struggle to think of any) of their friends were having sex at that age. Fifteen perhaps, but even then sexually active kids are not in the majority. Technically it's rape, as a 13 year old is not mature enough ( still being a child ) to give consent.
Technically, it's not rape - at least it's not statutory rape. That would only apply if she were under 13. And if it's consensual, it isn't rape anyway. This is a bit of a grey area. The Crown Prosecution Service has this to say: Consensual sexual activity between, for example, a 14 or 15 year-old and a teenage partner would not normally require criminal proceedings in the absence of aggravating features. Since the OPs daughter is nearly 14 the above would probably apply. In Canada it is legal for a 12-year-old to have sex with a partner who is no older than 14. Although I have never met a 12-year-old who seemed mature enough to make that decision I'm not going to stick my neck out and say it's impossible. Probably most 14-year-olds I've met (a lot) are capable of such a decision. Fewer would decide yes. Fourteen European countries have an age of consent of 14. I would prefer to keep it at 16 and do as Canada has done - a proper close-in-age exemption to decriminalise something which is perfectly natural.
13 year olds are children . Nothing will convince me otherwise. They need our protection.
According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it’s a criminal offence for any kind of sexual activity to take place between two people where one or both participants is under 16.
Let's face it. If it's happening it's not going to stop because her mother says so. I would rather know what was going on within reason rather than them hiding stuff, or meeting up in alleyways or parks. You could lock her up until she's 16 as it's a sexual offence as pp has pointed out. I'm sure she will thank you in her 30's!
Are the parents the boy happy with the situation? That this lad is having sex with a child ? I would be very concerned if my son was having sex with a 13 year old.
So Sarah are you suggesting that a parent has no control over what a 13 year old gets up to? That's it's going to happen anyway, so we may as well accept it. Does the same go for a child drinking, smoking, shoplifting?
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12 yr old daughter has had sex. Help!!!
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More stories to check out before you go
I am a 28-year-old career woman, a banker to be exact. Unlike many girls my age who are getting ready for marriage and planning weddings, I am in a relationship people may call bizarre. I am in love with a man who cherished me as a baby and watched me grow up. This is the man who has never stopped calling me beautiful, whose love is broad-spectrum and is in and out of season. That man is my father.
Don't be hasty to judge me, I have no regrets nor am I ready to change my mind.
It all began when I was 13. Those were the days I badly needed love. My mother gave more attention to my two younger brothers and often I felt left out. She kept finding fault with me; throwing tantrums at the slightest provocation and blaming me sometimes for things my brothers did.
"You should be their role model," I remember every beating from my mother. Justly speaking, it was not all uphill with her; there were some good times but I can dare say that the bitter moments outweigh the good ones by far! I grew to hate her too. I am not embarrassed that I found love and consolation from her husband.
Daddy is a businessman; so many times he'd be away on business trips. When he came home, I would lie on his chest and cry asking him not to leave me behind next time he went for a trip. "Darling, you're still in school," he'd gently tell me and press me hard on his chest. I was only a little girl then. If my mother shouted at me in his presence, he'd reprimand her. Those were the only times I felt justice being done to me.
At the age of 12, after my first menstruation period, I dared my mother for a woman-to-woman chat. "Why don't you like me? Is it that you expected a boy and you got me? Did dad rape you on the night you conceived me," I recited what I had been coached by my peers. She insisted she loved me but her actions continued to be different.
Then, my hips started growing and I was turning into a pretty woman. I often caught my dad stealing glances at me especially at the dining table. I didn't know about man-to -woman love then and it's much later I that I realised my dad had fallen in love with me long before I knew it. My mother cautioned me against men generally and talked ill about all of them.
But dad was and is still different from all the men I have ever met. He's charming, caring, listening and willing to understand. I can describe my dad as my father, my friend, counselor and my lover. No man can match him! As a little girl, I could see jealousy written all over my mother's face and at some point I started enjoying it. I would sit on dad's lap and wrap my little hands around his neck just to provoke her. She'd make a face but not at any time did she ever stop me. Maybe if she had talked to me about incest then, things would be different today.
On my thirteenth birthday, Dad had a surprise for me: a trip with him to South Africa. I can't narrate the joy of being alone for a whole week with a person who loved me dearly and away from my mother's quarrels. A nice hotel in Jo'burg was my birthday place. I had a nice spacious room all to myself and dad's room was opposite mine.
On the second night he came to my room and without any preambles he held me tightly and gave me a long deep kiss on the lips. I felt a sense of belonging and a very special attachment to him. That is the night I gave my virginity to my dad. That night we discussed many things and he told me that he wouldn't mind telling the world that he loved me were it not for societal outlook.
We'd keep it secret though sitting on his lap and him hugging me and kissing my forehead or cheek would continue. I left Jo'burg with many presents but above all, feeling gratified that I had been ushered into adulthood by a man who loved me and whom I loved.
Our love blossomed by the day and we'd go out many times. He'd pick me from boarding school and we'd spend the afternoon together. The world knew dad loved me but perhaps their interpretation was different. This continued until I joined university.
At the University I could see my peers with their little boyfriends and at some point I thought I would give it a try. I got myself a boyfriend but the relationship lasted barelya week. He was childish, noisy and hyperactive! That is the complete opposite of my dad. My relationship with dad is mature. He has taught me to be calm and how to handle issues maturely. I am not surprised he pushes away any young man who comes close to me.
The day my mother caught me on her bed with dad, she faked surprise and I had to tell her bluntly to stop pretending. Was she so blind all those years to see dad was treating me better than her? He'd give me money to pay workers. We'd go shopping with him and have night-long loud-laughter chats in the study. We went for his international business trips together and even have a joint bank account! When she caught us and kicked him out of their bedroom, the poor man ran to me. I now share my bedroom with him without an iota of remorse. My brothers hate me but because my dad has always been there for me, I must fight to make him happy.
Though we denied it when summoned by the clan elders, thanks to my mother's big mouth, our love is not ending anytime soon. I know the science behind having a child with a blood relative that's why dad and I have kept it on hold.
When the right time comes, I may opt to adopt. Meanwhile, I continue being dad's best friend and lover. We have never fought over anything over the years. Though people may call us insane, from my intellectual eye, I notice even the elders who stood to condemn us adm
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