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This topic likely comes as a surprise to many. Just the idea of abuse of this nature, between a mother and her son, is shocking to most. The idea of mother-son incest is so far out of the realm of what we as a culture understand about mothers and women that even its victims rarely seek help.
As a society, our views of mothers as nurturers who would never willingly hurt their children may be so ingrained in our psyche that even trained psychologists can be uncomfortable entertaining the idea that sexual abuse can happen between a mother and her son (Osborne, 2015).
Incest (sexual relationships between family members) is taboo and can bring a strong sense of guilt and shame to its victims (Kluft, 2011). While the idea that fathers sexually abuse their children is disturbing, it is accepted as something that can (and does) happen. It is well documented and studied.
Although the idea that some fathers can be sexual predators towards their own family is accepted, the parallel idea, that mothers can be sexual predators towards their own children, has not been widely accepted. We live in a culture that tends to idolize motherhood. Mothers sacrifice so much to give us everything we need. In our society, speaking against a mother is almost sacrilegious. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.
Reporting incest and seeking professional help may be both shameful and difficult in any situation, but it can be even more difficult in the case of a mother. Often, the reaction will be complete rejection or disbelief. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.
Researcher Lucetta Thomas has identified persistent and damaging myths in regard to male sexual victimization. These myths not only exist in the minds of boys and men who themselves are victims—they are also prevalent in the attitudes and perception of social workers, law enforcement, and even psychologists or counselors (Friedersdorf, 2016). Myths around males and sexual abuse include the following:
Due to the refusal of boys and men to seek help or press charges against mothers who abuse them, it is nearly impossible to determine the prevalence of sexual abuse committed by mothers. However, a few studies offer surprising results and indicate the problem is more widespread than most people would assume.
For example, one study that conducted in-depth interviews of seven men and seven women who reported sexual abuse by a female perpetrator, most of whom experienced severe sexual abuse by their mothers, found a range of long-term damaging effects. Victims reported and/or experienced depression , difficulties with substance abuse , self-injury , increased suicide rate, rage, strained relationships with women, identity issues , and discomfort with sex (Denov, 2004).
Another study conducted in 2002 found that 17 of 67 men who endured sexual abuse during childhood reported mother-son incest. The study found in comparison to the other men in the study, the men who were abused by their mothers experienced more symptoms of trauma. Further, about half of the men abused by their mothers had mixed feelings regarding the abuse, and those with mixed feelings had more adjustment problems compared to men who had purely negative feelings toward the abuse (Kelly, Wood, Gonzalez, MacDonald, & Waterman, 2002).
Lucetta Thomas reported that after her story of mother-son sexual abuse aired on ABC 80, males accessed the online survey over the next two days to report maternal abuse and requested to be interviewed. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims.
When we examine outcomes of victims of any type of incest, we find this type of abuse is related to issues around relational trauma and betrayal trauma. Abuse by a trusted family member leads to a significant loss of trust and changes in beliefs around the self and safety in relationships (Kluft, 2011). Understandably, when the perpetrator is a mother, the trauma is likely to carry a particularly high level of damage, especially in light of the cultural perceptions of mothers as nurturers. Furthermore, the implications of reporting abuse of this nature can be catastrophic for the victim, the mother, and the entire family. In many cases, this leaves the victim feeling as if he has no choice but to deal with the trauma in silence.
Professionals, particularly those working with sexual abuse cases, need to examine their own perceptions around women as potential abusers. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims. In general, many people have been under the impression that a woman cannot really harm another person sexually. This is not the case. As new research surfaces, we are finding that sexual abuse from mother to son can bring lasting trauma and long-term mental health effects (Denov, 2004).
Further, men and boys are much less likely to report sexual abuse (Holmes, Offen, & Waller, 1997). Researchers have put forth the possibility that attitudes and beliefs among mental health professionals in myths regarding the male as an unlikely victim do not create conditions that encourage men or boys to talk about sexual abuse. Professionals need to be aware of the reality of mother-son sexual abuse as well as the existence of the myths surrounding the male as unlikely to be vulnerable to sexual abuse and especially unlikely to be the victim of abuse by his own mother.
If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse or assault, reach out to a therapist . There is no need to suffer in silence when help is available. If you are a victim of mother-son incest, clearly articulate your experiences to your therapist. The shame is not yours.
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Thank you for writing this post. I am a victim of mother-son incest. I am 39 and have always had generalize anxiety and moderate depression. Also have addiction issues with alcohol, cannabis and pornography. Only 3 years ago did I remember the molest I experienced at the hands of my mother until age 8. Thank you for addressing this issue. I’m slowly but surely healing. I confronted my mother about the abuse but she just sobbed and wouldn’t discuss it. Admittance thru silence.
Dear Michael,I am happy to learn that you are recovering and please accept my best wishes.
Incestuous rape is never acceptable and consensual incest between two adults,odd as it does feel to us,should not be judged by others.That’s how I would put it.Though I will never indulge in it nor will I ever condone it,consensual adult incest is somebody else’s business.
Your mother sobbed -which means she realized she did something wrong and I feel that you should forgive her.There must have been some issues with her that prompted her to do what she did.I will be happy if you both emerge stronger out of this phase and get over it fast.Forgiving oneself as well as the other is the best way to get over it.Best luck.
Glad I stumbled upon this article… Very interesting and reassuring. “lasting trauma and long-term mental health effects” Yes, very much so. Four years in therapy as a teenager, another year and a half when I was 27, a history of under-achieving, low self esteem, generalised anxiety and five failed relationships bought about by some serious self conflict over gender issues and a lifetime of crossdressing.
I have forgiven my mother, she had severe PND and ongoing mental health problems herself, so maybe a degree of diminished responsibility. I am in control now, after 45 years have passed… But some days… It’s STILL difficult to get out of bed and face the day.
Hello
Thank you for writing this very deficient topic of mother -son incessantly. I’m 62 years old and finally remembered the terrible pain I experienced from my mom molested me as a 3 oe 4 year old boy. I had been praying for weeks asking God why my heart was in som much pain, then He said to me ‘your mom molested you, when you were a little boy.’ As He said.these words to me i experienced ALL the pain she cause me all over again. It was awful Now I’ve been on these journey of forgiveness and healing in my life.
Thank you for that article!
It’s so accurate!
I ‘m 62, survivor of maternal incestl, ive in Montréal. What I suffer the most is the lack of social acknowledging of that reality.
The social or community resonance is so indispensable in the path of recovery!!!!
Thank you so much!!!
I’m 42 and just now dealing with the sexual abuse I endured from my mother. She did so much more than that, but the sexual abuse seemed to somehow file away in the recesses of my mind until the last several months. I have extreme anxiety and depression. It looks like I may have found a therapist now to help me sort out this hot mess. I dread my first appointment. To have to talk about it, out loud, to another person freaks me out and brings on the panic. But here goes I guess.
I’m 27 years old, my mother is 49, we have been in a sexual relationship since u was 15, its loving intense and regardless of the taboo nature of it, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The way she makes me feel, well, no one could ever know or understand….
Jay, I have some words to share. Please [Jay and everybody} take them in the friendly concerned manner in which they are intended.
While I, an outsider, don’t know and therefore can’t understand you maternal relationship, I feel that maybe in your apparently consensual relationship, the dynamics and emotions are different to those of us who were either coerced (tricked) or forced into sexual relationships with out mothers. You say that you have been in this relationship since you were 15 years old ? to my mind then (forgive me if I am wrong) you haven’t had any other long term intimate relationships OR… Those you have had will be held up for close scrutiny and comparison by yourself and possibly your mother. So are those non incest relationships flawed, and doomed to failure from the outset ? You say “The way she makes me feel, well, no one could ever know or understand” Well Jay, maybe just maybe, no one else has ever been given a fair chance to make you feel that way ?
You tell us you’re 27, and have been in this relationship for 15 years, do you believe, deep down, that at 12 years old you were emotionally ready to be in this relationship ? and that an adult some 22 years your senor had any right to enter into a relationship with you either with or without consent ? My fear is you have been coerced, misled or in some other way hoodwinked into a relationship by someone who is very good at control games, or holds some negative power over you (uses shame or guilt to coerce you) and this is someone who was prepared to enter into a sexual relationship with her 12 year old son ?
Finally Jay, I ask, do you think your mother was emotionally stable 15 years ago ? A grown woman forming an intimate relationship with a child is surely someone who has issues of her own ?
Thanks for writing this article. It is very true. My mom came after me sexually around age ten when she could tell that I was in puberty. She kept telling me things like, all mothers do this for their sons and other things like that to placate me. This went on for several years. The end result was not only depression but also becoming highly sexualized which has led to enjoying mom/son porn plus going to strip clubs and massage parlors for those women remind me of my mom. I’ve been in therapy for years and my therapists says much more mom/son incest goes on than we think.
Hi, Jay.
I have known cases of mother-son incest and four of these were promoted by very unfortunate circumstances.I wouldn’t call them consensual incest nor abuse as they continued later and were happy or at least satisfied with it.
Only one case was totally consensual and was due to almost mutual physical attraction.
As long as all these were happy , who are we to judge?
I was abused by my Mother directly at an early age and more indirectly through my teen years. Early memories of my Mother touching my genitals were repressed. Therapy uncovered these horrific memories. When I was a teen, my Mother had me massage her legs and thighs, making sexual sounds as I was supposedly relieving arthritic pain. I am 67, and have suffered with panic disorder, eating and substance abuse issues. My second wife is loving and caring, but I find it hard to trust any woman, and feel like it is me against the world. My sex life has been a disaster. I have given up on thriving, and embrace that I am surviving.
Mike… You say your sex life has been a disaster… I feel your pain my friend. My sex life and the gender role presentation therein have been an unmitigated nightmare for 30 years or more. You are not alone.
I am now, finally in a stable and good relationship, at last married but at what cost ? I feel I am repressing m’y gender identity to conform within the relationship, it feels like I’ve had to choose love and relationship over self truth and gender… A small price to pay ? I don’t know.
For now at least, it’s working.
I would just like to come on here and say that I am a mother of a young 6 year old boy and I would never in a million lifetimes touch my son inappropriately or take advantage of his PURITY. This is coming from a MOTHER. YOUR MOTHERS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY TYPE OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU ALL PERIOD POINT BLANK. Sexual trauma impacts the human mind, body and the effects of that sometimes is not seen until later years. It is hard to look at the actions of your mother and decipher between what is MORALLY right and wrong when you have no other BLUEPRINT to go off of. If you have any sexual memories from a parent I advise you to seek assistance. You are not alone and you will not be judged. There are people here for you that will help you heal and process your abuse. I send all of you men much healing and may God heal your pain.
My story is a little different than the rest of you; My mom and I, we began our intimate relationship when I was 15 y/o; but like everyone else in this forum; my case is different. because; I was the one who seduced her…
My mom was married to the same man for 17 years; but, was never able to conceive a child of her own, due to a malformation of her reproductive organs . She did try other forms of conception; but, unfortunately everything failed for her…. After five years of marriage they did adopted me. I was two months old at the time; however I am from a different ethnic background than theirs and that is what make us different; but attracted to each other , she is white German/Slavic and I am Spanish/Latino and we are absolutely not blood related…
Their marriage lasted for ten years, but; my mom divorced him, after finding out that my dad was in reality a bisexual man living a double life style. She discovered that he was having a secret relationship with another woman and a man at the same time; while he was married to my mom.. That was the last straw that broke the marriage, and for more than seven years, my mom was all alone dealing with me.
Our emotional intimate relationship began one night, when I did hear sobbing in her room. she was already in bed, when I came in into
her room.. I hugged her tight to console her emotional pain without knowing why was she crying … That was when she told me the whole story about my dad and why she divorced him. I was totally shocked when I learned the whole thing and that my dad had contacted her to inform her that he had contracted AIDS and that he was about to die.. We, visited him while he was in the hospital, he die shortly after our last visit. but we did not attended his funeral or burial.
That night was the beginning of our relationship, it was emotional first; but, it progressed into sexual shortly after.
I have to confess, that I always have been infatuated with my mom’s beauty. Since my childhood, I always wanted her in a romantic way.
And now we are practically married. She is the life of my life and the inspiration of my music…. And we don’t want it any other way..
I DO NOT AGREE – MOTHER F**CKER IS A COMMON STATEMENT, NOT DESIRABLE BUT COMMON TO ALL. I DO NOT RECOUNT EVER HEARING THE PHRASE FATHER F**KER, EXCEPT FOR CATHOLICS. THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN STUDY IT IS AMUSING AND SAD.
I was about 14-15 when it started. Mom and I were hime alone and I was sick with an ear infection. At bedtime, she asked me if I would like to sleep in her bed with her…it was a strange thing to ask, but I did. I drifted off to sleep just before came to bed…but became aware that my private had been touched. I was wide awake after that and shifted around to lie on my back. Then, she placed her hand directly on my genitals, let it linger there for several moments, then patted me…suddenly, she got up, and started to pray a rosary! I had never thought of her sexually before, but from that moment, I became obsessed with trying to replicate the incident again…in other words, to get her to touch me. My efforts became more overt over time, and were paired with other behaviors: spying in her in the bath… Now, at 58 years old, I am still haunted by it all… I feel tremendous guilt over trying to seduce her, but still am drawn to pornography that depicts our activities…. It has impacted every relationship I have ever had. My guilt is coupled with my adult reaction to it: that she was the adult, and should have put a stop to it…so i resent her for it (though I have forgiven her), and wish that I could confront her over it…she is 91 years old now, and the likelihood of healing is remote..I have to believe she suffers guilt over it too…
Talk to Jesus the One who forgives and wipes out the entire guilt within. He loves and cares for the world, that’s why He died on the cross to bear the sins and guilt of the world. Jesus the Son of God loves and cares for you.
I am 55 and I had a 40 yr long relationship with my mother. She passed away in 2019. For a majority of that time we lived in Boston. 31 of those years we were involved in a very passionate relationship. I’m only just now beginning to process my life with a very wonderful therapist. I’ve dealt with sex addiction since I was in my early teens. What I thought was normal behavior has had a lasting impact on my life. But to say that my relationship with my mother was wrong is, well, wrong. From the time I was 14,
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