Leslie Porn

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Leslie Porn

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Could you all do me a favor? I want to do a webinar or e-book or similar on The Lies in Christian Marriages That Lead to Crazy Making .
I would love to hear from our blog family of the things you’ve heard from your spouse, pastor, and/or church leaders about what God says you should do, think or feel in your destructive marriage that has made you feel confused, scared, and/or a little crazy.
Thank you in advance for this and as soon as I’m ready to teach on it, you will all be one of the first groups to know.
Todays’ Question: What is a Christian woman's response toward a husband who uses porn? Life with him has become awful. He is preoccupied with women everywhere we go. Worshipping the Lord beside him is especially difficult for me as his eyes are feasting on women. I long to be able to truly worship without struggling to lay aside my anger.
Answer: I'm sure many women reading this blog will resonate with your pain and anger. I don’t think you need to lay aside your anger about this to worship God. God is angry too. Your husband’s behaviors are wrong; damaging to him, to you, and to your marriage. Don’t feel guilty about feeling angry. Just be careful on how you express your anger.
Sadly, many men struggle with pornography and sexual addiction these days. Satan has a foothold into men’s hearts and homes and the church have not done a very good job at validating the devastating impact this habit has on one’s mind and body and marriage. Perhaps some church leaders are reluctant to come down hard on this problem. According to surveys conducted by Barna Research, a sizable percentage of pastors also struggle with pornography problems.
Secular research and brain science are starting to speak about the damaging effects of watching pornography. Here are some TED talks that are sobering to watch. If you’re a mom of young boys, please watch the videos and, if you can, ask your husband to watch it too.
Jesus takes pornography very seriously. He says, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even your good eye- causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand – even your stronger hand – causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-30 .
Jesus tells men to take this sin of lusting with one’s eyes seriously and to take decisive action to deal with it. Gouging out one’s eye or cutting off one’s hand will not keep someone from lusting, but Jesus is saying, “Do what it takes to deal with this problem NOW.” Sadly, many men don't listen.
Instead, they think they can play with fire and not get burned. But this is mistaken thinking. The book of Proverbs warns serial sexual addicts that they will regret not taking action to deal with this problem. The writer of Proverbs warns, “In the end, you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body. You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings! Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” Proverbs 5:11-13 .
Paul tells us that there should be no sexual immorality among us and that such sins have no place among God’s people. He goes on to say that we should not be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. And later he tells us to expose the worthless deeds of evil and darkness (See Ephesians 5 ).
What does this mean for your question, “What is a Christian woman’s response to a husband who uses porn?” My answer is “it depends.” It depends on your husband’s response to his struggle with porn.
Does he hate it? Is he repentant? As Jesus advised, is he doing everything within his power to stop this habit, even when it costs him? For example, is he willing to be without the Internet? Is he willing to put controls on his computer? Is he going for help with his thoughts? Is he honest and open with you about his struggle and is he willing to be held accountable? And, is he grateful for a wife who holds him accountable for his behaviors so that he doesn’t burn himself and his entire family down to the ground with his own foolish fantasies?
If so, then a Christian wife’s response would be to be gracious and forgiving, coupled with an uncompromising stance against allowing such evil in her home and marriage. No woman in her right mind, Christian or otherwise, would allow her husband to bring another woman into their home to have sex.
In the same way, if he is not repentant or desiring to change, no woman should turn the other way or close her eyes to knowing her husband is ogling another woman or watching pornography. It degrades her and demeans him and the other women.
However, your next step, in this case, requires something from you. It requires that you have the courage, strength, and faith in God to stand up for what’s good, true and right in your home, your marriage, and for your husband’s welfare. It requires you to expose what’s going on regardless of the cost and draw a line in the sand that says, “ No more. If that’s what you want I can’t stop you, but I won’t live like this.” – Click To Tweet
This is a tough stance for many women to take, but I believe until you do, your husband will continue to behave as if he can have his cake and eat it too. He can enjoy all the perks of home and marriage and still live as if he’s a man who has no responsibilities to you, his family, or God. Don’t let him.
Remember, this is not just his life, it’s also yours. Your strong stand is the only thing, short of losing his job or health that will get his attention and hopefully motivate him to face his issue. If he refuses, then it’s time you quit enabling his habit to destroy you and your children.
Friend, what has been your response when you have discovered that your husband has a habit watching pornography?
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Amen! I left the denomination I was a part of (and pastor’s wife in) because, after bringing him before church several times, he is still in the pulpit!!! God is a God of justice, but it has severely damaged my 3 children spiritually. Praise God who is above man- he is restoring what the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25) and healing our hearts despite the evil that continues to flourish. God give me strength to surrender to your plans!
In the context of a conversation where I was being told that I was ruining my family by not letting my abusive husband back into the home, I was told “You just need to show a little more mercy”, that I was too sensitive and that I didn’t really understand what abuse really is, that wives should submit to their husbands and that I shouldn’t deny my husband (even though he repeatedly abused me sexually). Really?!
That I will only have the Lord’s Protection if I stay under my husband’s authority … and that my husband needs to lead his home and I need to let him lead.
How about this for a lie that leads to crazy making…being told by your pastor husband that you are “just jealous” when I had concerns about SOME women being too friendly(?) and warned him to no avail. It got to the point where my concerns were so invalidated that I began to think I was crazy. Well, he continued to “minister” to one of them (behind my back under cover of lies and deceit) and ended up being unfaithful to me. So apparently my suspicions were correct, and I was NOT just jealous.
Leah,
I’m so sorry! How horrible and quite possibly preventable had your husband had any regard and action for your discernment. I would feel layered betrayal. I recently found out about a pastor that was in an affair for 15 plus years and the church & the wife was covering for it even though they knew it was going on.
I’m glad your exposing and being Brave. God will restore your heart regardless of the marriage outcome.
For others out there that are dealing with those discerning places.. i highly recommend the book;
Close Calls by Dave Carder.. it’s an old one but every married or single person would benefit.
Again Leah I’m so very sorry and I hope you are getting the care and support for your heart.
Much love to you;)
Here is the very short version of the things I feel I did right to deal with my husband’s porn addiction. I did many things wrong, but these are the things I have peace about: Insisted that we close our business since he was using the freedom of self employment to watch porn and not be accountable. (This cost me terribly but I had to stop enabling him and now almost 2 years later I am starting to see it payoff.) I told church leaders. They did not do church discipline with him like I wanted, but at least they knew and they counseled him. We both went to counseling outside the church separately and together. We do not travel separately, and he travels for his job at work. I’ve gotten over the odd feeling of being the only wife who travels with her husband. This also means I don’t visit family or friends alone since he has confessed those are the toughest times for him to struggle with temptation when he is alone at the house or alone traveling. We don’t have Internet or cable at our house. I have a smart phone, he does not. And most importantly, I have a flip book full of flashcard scriptures on how to gentlely confront sin since my weakness is harshness of tone. I try to read these verses daily on the treadmill. Obviously my husband is on board with all of these things because I cannot control him, nor do I want to. But let me say that some of these things took years for him and me both to see that he (we) needed. Our life is much better with these changes. I regret none of them. I pray regularly for God to help me bear bravely and calmly ill treatment. The brave part is facing it and implementing boundaries. The calm part is being gentle about the process and not letting my anger rage in my flesh. Oh and I try to pray and read my bible daily and seek the Lords guidance, wisdom and strength. I hope something here helps you. You are in a tough situation but the Lord will never leave you or forsake you.
I response to your future webinar or e-book or similar on The Lies in Christian Marriages That Lead to Crazy Making:
I was encouraged to do outside volunteer work but once I did become involved was told, “ Charity begins at home”, even when I worked a balance between my the volunteering and my other responsibilities. Crazy Making!
Above, it should say “led to believe” (not “lead,” —yes illiteracy. I have that issue too!)
. . . Well, it has been massively depressing reading while praying for everyone here on this topic. . . . but that’s The Truth for you: Reality, —reality is one hard, hard road. . . . .Tremendous insights and raw truth here even if massively depressing. I think you can easily tell the truth because it is so rarely going to be positive. . . .This is a spiritual battle and no one will succeed without the Holy Spirit. There is NO route out of this maze on our own because our fears and our emeny are living things. They are alive and the maze is constantly restrategizing against us. The maze shifts as I move through it just swallowing me up. I can walk hand-and-hand with Jesus in the freedom of really surrendering to real Love, real Life (Christ) —and it is almost impossible to consistently do (—I’m being honest!), maybe actually impossible (i.e. our models of reality may be inadequate) —And it sure looks like the foolish path so, so many times. . . .so many times it makes me wonder (—I’m being honest!) —Or, I can stay on those shadowy Elm streets where I let my insecurities cut me to gummy ribbons. There’s a deeper place to go (re: Hebrews, Romans, Philippians) but it is straight up and the slope is a sheer rock wall. . . .At the same time, no one will “white knuckle” themselves to any lasting change. It has to come from a totally new understanding/ realization. We succeed to the extent our life models map well to primary source evidence-based reality. Reality is not the way I wish things would be, hope things would be, pray for things to be, have been lead to believe that they are. . . .et.al.
Another lie…”Sometimes Christ calls us to suffer.” BLEH!!!
The truth is not all kinds of suffering, but yes, some kinds.
I’ve heard this one. Yes, sometimes we suffer. But there’s a line.
Another lie: “There are two sides to every story.” That is true, but not always the way people think. In abuse, the two sides are the right side and the wrong side.
There can be two ditches though. You can both be wrong guilty in different ways. If you are one of those women who reads those trashy romance novels with sex scenes, you are indulging in feminine porn. Before I was saved, when I was a kid, i used to peruse those books as a form of porn. Im old! No, I dont look at it anymore.
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. (1 Peter 2:21, ESV)
Chapter 2 is a great chapter for encouragement. It precedes the chapter often quoted regarding wives “likewise” being submissive.
I’ve been studying lately and realized the word used for “for” in the Greek is “hyper” and carries with it an idea that when Jesus “suffered for you” it was for your betterment, and to bring you to a higher place… Not lower.
Good reminder that suffering while loving would NOT include doing things that leave a spouse in a worse place. Submission like Jesus may include suffering, but it also includes taking action that provides what our spouse REALLY needs.
To many who posted who are afraid to confront or afraid to be alone… Be encouraged. Jesus is able to see your suffering. He truly understands how it is to give up what you have so that the ones you care for will be saved from their chains of bondage.
It is definitely not a small sacrifice for the spouse who cares to exercise tough love. The love that can leave the other in a better place: where they must face their problem and take responsibility.
Jesus did that for us, and we have his example.
A truth twisted in these situations:
Hi!
I am not in an emotionally abusive marriage, but I do have a very good friend who most likely is. I found out about Leslie Vernick through trying to find resources to support my friend.
Here is some of what I’ve heard from our small group trying to help this friend of mine. I freely admit that it made me a little crazy and pretty angry on behalf of my friend:
“You’re really frustrated, and I get that, but it’s probably not as bad as you think it is.”
“If you stay, you will be an amazing, Godly example to your son of what a marriage should look like.” This one especially got my blood boiling.
When I tried to explain the live well vs. stay well concept and even said that the bible says that Jesus doesn’t want us to be in pain or to hurt and that he wants to protect us, I got this as a response:
“Where does it say that in the bible?” I got really flustered and couldn’t respond.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is that it is not loving to allow someone to continue in sin.
Forbearance is for someone else’s good. If it’s giving license to sin, then it’s not forbearance – it is sin.
The most loving thing we can do for anyone ( including our spouses) is to confront them in sin.
Evil grows. Standing by and watching it happen is participating in it. We submit to The Lord, not to sin.
Thank you for your support. It’s been really hard to support her, especially when I feel like it’s a me vs. the them situation. I have been waking up feeling convicted and furious the past two days. Furious that people who are supposed to support and love her can’t see or refuse to see this as emotional abuse. “All marriages are hard”, they say. Not like this! I am so upset and angry right now, I could scream. Please pray for me. Please pray for her.
I want you to know that I am praying for you and your friend!
Wow;) what a friend you are! I cannot express how thankful I am that you are seeing what is going on and you yourself don’t have to be in a destructive marriage to see wrong from right etc.
Your emotions are such a healthy resistance to what goes on all the time in some of these church cultures. Ok maybe most?
I can say I have been in your friends position and I have been in yours and she is going to need support through it. You are such a blessing to her even though you might get kick back from others that want to minimize what is taking place and the traumas that are happening right in front of them;)
It does anger me too.., because it can feel like they also are far off ‘sleeping’ while one of their own are suffering terribly .. and not ‘long suffering’ for God’s plan but just suffering.
Too many people in the church leadership and support places are not equipped with the knowledge and depth ~ I know I’m preaching to the choir here but this is becoming such a bigger epidemic than I think we can measure.. ‘the ones who stand by and are silent.’
I am an advocate for healthy marriages~ I do think too many people (like the ones who are not being supportive to your friend) are too ignorant.
Because your friend has marital problems it’s doesn’t mean she’s headed to divorce, or that there are only 2 options..
This is one of the biggest lies of them all and puts a very narrowed thinking process.
There are many of options to uncover to help make wise decisions for someone’s situation.
I believe you are acting like a true friend and I’m thankful for you that you are not being ‘peer pressured’ by others to think and rationalize like them!
Praise God for you
Sending my gratitude and my prayers for both of your hearts!
Thank you…you have no idea how much your prayers mean to me. I hope and pray it all works out for the best for my friend. It’s been hard though. The anger is becoming distracting
I’m sorry about the anger element and yes it can be distracting.
I do believe healthy protest can be such an ‘agent for change’ though.
Will keep you prayers.
You wrote:
“Evil grows. Standing by and watching it happen is participating in it. We submit to The Lord, not to sin.”
So so true. One point in my journey i can see my participation ~ where I was continued to be told how I needed to ‘stand by’ and be the ‘suffering one’.
My mother would tell me often that I needed to remember I was not my husband’s Holy Spirit, so it was not my job to convict him.
This is true. But it also has its twisted enabling reasonings. And many of times I felt enormous false guilt for struggling in my ‘then’ destructive marriage.
But what was my job was confronting him~ espe
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