Husband Wants A Threesome
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Husband Wants A Threesome
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This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
Krissy Brady
Krissy is a regular contributor to Prevention, and she also writes for Cosmopolitan, Weight Watchers, Women's Health, FitnessMagazine.com, Self.com, and Shape.com.
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It's no secret that a lot of guys have a fascination with threesomes . And at some point, your S.O. might mention that his go-to fantasy is having a threeway.
But there's a big difference between occasionally drooling over the concept and actively pursuing it as an option. And if he would like to do the latter, what the hell does it say about your relationship?
For a guy who's spoken for, threesomes seem like a relatively accessible form of sexual adventure, says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist for Good Vibrations . He gets to double up on all the things he loves to do between the sheets, while also doubling up on his favorite fantasies : sex with two women and girl-on-girl action. Threesomes are basically the dude version of walking in a new pair of Jimmy Choos while eating cake.
Just because he's wanted to add a threeway to his resumé since puberty, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat, says Queen. Usually, guys bring up the idea because they're frisky and hope you're frisky too. In some cases, they aren't attuned to whether their partners would actually be into it or not, says Queen. The casual threesome suggestion is a way for him to test the waters.
If he pursues the idea further than just throwing it out there, and your relationship is on solid ground, then there's a solid chance that his pursuit has nothing to do with how he feels about you or your relationship. "He could just be an erotic guy who wants to live out his sexiest fantasies ," says board-certified clinical sexologist Debra Laino . (Spice up your sex life with or without a third party with these products from the Women's Health Boutique .)
If you make it known that you'd rather get your ass waxed than fondle another woman's breasts, he'll probably never bring it up again. But if he continues to push the issue after you've snuffed it out, especially if his nagging is making you feel inadequate, that's a cause for concern, says Laino. Also, if your guy has a habit of being sexually greedy or starts getting very specific about his threesome fantasies (like naming the third party he'd like to knock boots with), you may want to think twice about his motives, says Queen.
Before you sit him down for a heart to heart, determine whether or not you'd ever be interested in a threesome. If you're at least into the fantasy of it, take the time to define your fantasy—what it would look like, who it would be with, what you'd want to do, and what you'd want to skip, says Queen. Then get bae to do the same.
"Look for ways your fantasies match up, and more importantly, diverge," she says. If there are too many differences between your fantasy and his or you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable, then a threesome probably isn't for you. If you're kind of into it, you could test the waters with threesome or girl-on-girl porn.
You may also want to remind him that a threesome doesn't have to include another woman — there are plenty of guys down to play the third wheel. Just sayin'.
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"When he went down on me, I looked at my husband. His glowing face assured me it was all good."
Not long after we married, my husband Chris sent me a stranger's dick pic from a Craigslist ad. It was the escalation of a conversation that began when we met. Chris was not long out of an open marriage at the time and he wanted to continue that openness. I didn't have any moral objection to nonmonogamy but thought, It's not for me.
We fell into open-minded fidelity by default. He travels 330-odd days per year; our time together was too precious to share. Secure in our bubble of newlywed bliss, we talked about previous lovers, ogled cute men and women together, and occasionally browsed Tinder. It never went further and that was fine with me. We were in love, had great sex, and were best friends. What could nonmonogamy add?
Chris was due home for a weekend and asked, "Why don't you see what's on Tinder?" I spent some time swiping and reported back: "Nothing much."
Then came the Craigslist ad. My first thought was, People still use Craigslist? My second was, How do I feel about this openness thing? It was a good-looking penis but not as nice as my husband's. Chris wanted to message the guy and I agreed, assuming the chances of going from digital to physical contact were on par with winning the lottery.
They texted. The guy seemed reasonable and respectful as the conversation inched toward possibility. I envied his enthusiasm but insecurities danced in my head: Thou shalt not. Forsaking all others. You're the only one for me. I wanted to blame Chris for this weirdness but he wasn't pressuring me.
"You take the lead," he said. "I want to do what makes you happy."
There I was, proverbial ball(s) in my court. Saying "yes" was scary. Cowardice seemed like a bad reason to say "no." Figuring it out meant facing my deepest relationship fears:
If we're not monogamous, does that mean we're not serious?
From rom-coms to wedding vows, monogamy is a cultural litmus for a committed relationship. Despite telling my husband early in our relationship that monogamy is "overrated," I couldn't shake a nagging impulse to be a sexual conformist.
"Monogamy is absolutely an expectation," says Heather Brooks Rensmith, LCSW, a therapist who focuses on couples and sexuality. "Usually, no one even bothers to have a discussion. It's a default setting."
My discussion with Chris took us to the edge of a socially approved sexual safety zone. If we stepped across that line, would people think we love each other less? Or that we don't value our marriage? Monogamy is a security blanket, however threadbare. Was it worth clinging to at the expense of defining marriage on our terms? We knew what being exclusive was like; maybe there was something better.
In the first few months of our relationship, I had recurring dreams in which Chris confessed he'd fallen for someone else. I would wake up in tears and text him for reassurance. Time and togetherness blunted that anxiety, but I was still afraid that being nonmonogamous increased the chance of him slipping away.
It was tempting to say "no" on that basis but logic reminded me: You can't stop someone falling in love. Dica Dietzschold, MSCP, a therapist who specializes in sex and relationships, agrees: "You can't stop someone from cheating on you, ever. If your fear of nonmonogamy is about control, you have to remember that you can't control what they do anyway."
Shutting down the conversation might feel safe in the short term but it is no guarantee of anything. "Your partner could meet someone prettier or sexier at the grocery store, or at work," Brooks Rensmith points out.
What if getting naked with someone else is just hella awkward?
After digging through my worries about the social and interpersonal implications of nonmonogamy, I hit my bedrock fear that it would just be awkward. It's one thing to fantasize and flirt. What happens if we undress? What about wobbly bits, unwanted body hair, untrimmed nails?
I studied the Craigslist photo. He looked proportionate and groomed. Something in me shifted. Our relationship is a grand adventure. With Chris, I found a new home, new job, and new dreams. Maybe this could be another unanticipated delight.
There was only one way to find out. "Let's go for a drink," I said, half hoping the guy wouldn't show.
On our way to the pub, Chris reiterated, "I'll follow your lead."
To my surprise, our new friend was smart, polite, and self-deprecating. Curiosity overcame my nerves. Why? became Why not? Excusing myself, I went to the restroom and texted Chris: "I'm game."
His phone was on the table when I returned. Catching his eye, I nodded at it. There was no way to be subtle, which was a thrill. Of course the man opposite us saw the exchange; he couldn't miss our conspiratorial grins. He had been chosen; he knew it was my choice. I felt powerful and confident.
Walking back to the house, there was a swing in my step. Senses heightened, I reveled in the swish of pleats around my legs, the warmth of my husband's hand, the spatter of raindrops on the sidewalk. Back at the house, we shucked our damp coats. Chris opened a bottle of wine while Craigslist and I kissed on the sofa. When my husband knelt beside us and slid his hand under my dress, the giddy first-date feeling blew my synapses.
When our clothes came off, it was sweet and intimate, the opposite of awkward. We were all on the same level: exposed, inquisitive, eager to give and receive pleasure. The space created by a third person made me feel even closer to Chris. Our familiar moves and routine intimacies were fresh. Having an audience intensified the excitement of making love. And it was intoxicating to watch someone else touch and admire my husband's body.
Letting a (near) stranger bring me to orgasm was an emotional moment. When our companion went down on me, I looked at my husband. His glowing face assured me it was all good so I let my legs splay. Dexterous, unfamiliar lips and tongue coaxed me to climax. As the thousand tiny electrical currents drained away, I was hit by a rush of love for my husband. He'd helped me become fearless.
Later, as we sorted out strewn clothing, our guest remarked that we were different from most couples he met. "You seem really close," he said. "I can tell you're on the same page."
Chris and I looked at each other and smiled. Leaning into my fears was tough but the reward was greater intimacy. We talk more about sex now, and everything else. I worry less about things changing because I have greater confidence in our ability to negotiate new experiences. Craigslist hookups may not be a regular feature of our marriage but I'm open. Not just to threesomes, but going wherever life takes us and building a relationship that is uniquely ours.
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