How To Have Rough Sex
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How To Have Rough Sex
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Paisley Gilmour
Sex & Relationships Editor
Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
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Slow, sensual sex with lots of touching and nipple play can be really great. But it’s totally fine if that’s not what you’re into all the time. Due in no small part to porn and an increase of visibility in the media, more and more people are curious about “rough sex” – in short, various aspects of BDSM , especially the domination and submission bits. There is nothing to be ashamed about if you’ve been fantasing about rough sex, but in order to make these dreams a reality you need to make sure that your desires are safe, well communicated and between two consenting adults who have thoroughly discussed their boundaries beforehand .
"A rough and tough sexual tumble can be a great, liberating experience between consenting partners, that can help release tension, re-ignite passion, improve communication and provide deep physical and mental satisfaction," says Lili Hornyai, sex expert at Sextoys.co.uk . "Getting off hard and fast is a desire (and need) sometimes, so don’t be shy to ask for a yank or a spank."
If you follow some rules and guidelines, you can get the rough sex you want but in a pleasurable and safe way. Lili explains how...
"So, you want to get more passionate and dominant in bed, but don’t know how to approach the topic with your partner? Fear not, chances are they have fantasised about something similar at one point or another," she says. "Bring up the topic with confidence, show them that you know what you're talking about and that you want to explore rough sex only once you are both comfortable with the idea."
You have to be sure they're just as enthusiastic and up for the same things, whether that's spanking, biting or hair-pulling. "Agree on a safe word that can help you both relax into the experience without the fear of losing control," Lili says. "Decide on your boundaries and ensure that you are both on the same page about how far you want to go before you jump in bed, so you won’t have to deal with questions, confusions, and surprises later."
Don't forget, however carried away you get, to read your partner’s body language. "Similarly, if you’ve changed your mind about something, don’t be shy to voice your concerns and tell them to slow down or stop if you are not comfortable anymore," Lili adds.
There's no denying that rough sex is a bit risky, no matter how careful you are. "You can minimise the chance of vaginal bruising and penile fractures by making sure that you lubricate," Lili tells me. "Spit can be a hot, and fitting way to make things slide more effortlessly, but if you want to add some extra cushion to your pushin’ and ensure a fulfilling session for both of you, you should seek out a lubricant that offers some extra padding." She recommends the Lubido Hybrid Moisturising Lubricant as it combines the simplicity of a water-based lube with a touch of super-silky silicone - this means it's ultra-thick and provides natural padding for the most sensitive tissues.
When using condoms during rough sex, Lili advises going for a thicker type of condom to make sure that it doesn’t rip. Pasante Extra condoms have a little extra thickness and lubrication.
"While it’s sounds like an easy enough thing to do, we are all raised and taught to be reserved in our sexuality and are rarely given an opportunity to let our inner beasts roar," Lili says. "Spend an afternoon building up your need and desire for your partner’s body and touch and save up all the thirst you feel for sexual satisfaction. Once you have the chance, unleash all the pent up sexual energy on each other and let clothes and inhibitions fall aside.
"Talking dirty to each other, describing what you want to do to the other or what you want them to do to you can help things get started and make it feel more spontaneous."
What can you do to make it 'rough'? "Bite each other's lips, pull on each other’s hair, talk dirty, grab, scratch and handle each other’s body with less care than usual. If you've discussed it, don’t be afraid of causing a bit of pain. Your ultimate goal is to collapse in an exhausted pile of human rubble," Lili says.
Combine spanking with some rough, hard, fast penetration, she suggests. "Get down to it in doggy style and let some deliciously painful slaps on your butt cheeks contract your muscles to enhance both of your pleasures.
"Changing positions can be a mood-killer, but when you're committed to thoroughly ruining each other, you can make this chore another thrilling exercise in domination and physical power exchange. Push, order and manhandle each other around the bed, 'force' each other to perform oral sex," she says. "But don’t forget the boundaries you've set beforehand and don’t be afraid to use the safe word if you feel like you've had enough."
After you've had a couple of sessions of messy and satisfying rough sex (as long as you both thoroughly enjoyed it) there are ways to level up. Lili tells me you can "get some wrist ties to bind your partner (or have them bind you). That way, they'll be completely vulnerable to your whims and fancies." You can also explore orgasm denial or chastity play , which both increase your sexual thirst and can make the eventual sex even more intense.
Other props to try are mouth gags , which take away one of the most fundamental methods of releasing pressure during sex – sound. "The muffled moans and screams act as huge turn-ons for most, but make sure to agree on a non-verbal safe word that you will both be able to understand and notice in the heat of the moment too," Lili adds.
"Introduce a butt plug to your play for a tight, deeply fulfilled experience and a completely new sensation for your partner. Experiment with what you like and enjoy the rough, stress-relieving journey you started together."
Aftercare is perhaps The Most Important Part of rough sex (along with communication and consent, ofc). "Don’t forget to look after your partner once the deed is done," Lili says. "Rough sex can feel amazingly wild and animalistic, and therefore can lead to vulnerable moments afterwards. Spend some time cuddling and talking to each other, take a long hot bath together, have a tea to re-hydrate and use some moisturiser on areas that have been spanked raw. And once the smoke has settled, you can start it all over again."
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Sex can suit any mood or moment from intimate and romantic to hot and dirty. Another point on that scale is just plain rough sex . And that doesn’t have to mean incorporating any strange fantasies, difficult positions, or floggers. All you have to do is tweak the positions you already know and love to amp up the roughness factor for an unforgettable romp. Trust.
Need some ideas? Check out these sexy suggestions from Emily Morse, Ph.D., founder and host of the Sex with Emily podcast, and then try them with your partner tonight.
You'll be breaking barriers, one spank and hair pull at a time.
Even though you’re upside down here, you both have control of the motion and depth of penetration. Yours might be more of a workout, but any extra work and sweat in a sex sesh just makes it hotter (and rougher). If you want him to take control, he can use his hands for some spanking or anal play .
How to do it: Place your hands on the floor and have him pull your waist so your legs are on either side of his hips.
This one is super-intimate, as he can wrap his arms around you to hold you tight, but he’s also hands-free to explore your body—he can squeeze your nipples or grab onto your hair.
How to do it: Have him sit on the edge of a bed or a chair and lower yourself onto his shaft facing away from him.
You probably recognize this one as doggy style, known for being a hot position for both of you. And with some tweaks, you can up the rough factor by hair pulling, spanking, and positioning yourselves in front of a mirror so you can both watch.
How to do it: Get on all fours and have him kneel behind you. He enters from behind while holding your hips or boobs .
We asked men and women what they think of dirty talk. Here's what they had to say:
With you on top, you’re rocking the movement, depth, and speed, and he’ll love seeing your body in action. To kick it up a notch, you can also tie his hands together or pin down his arms down with your knees to really take control. Another option: Have him wear a penis ring for maximum mutual stimulation. (Try this vibrating ring from the Women's Health Boutique.)
How to do it: Straddle him with your knees bent. Push off of his chest to slide up and down.
Giddy up, reverse cowgirl. This one combines the hotness of doggy with the sexy dominance of you on top. He’s hands-free here to explore and to get a little rough. This one is also ideal for anal play , since he’s got easy access and you’re on top to guide him down there.
How to do it: He lies on his back while you straddle him, facing away from him.
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