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Did you find the Fifty Shades Trilogy irresistible? You aren’t alone. We sought the help of BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel & Sex Therapist, Sarah Berry to turn your fantasies into reality with our beginners guide to BDSM
Let’s face it, although many of us like to see ourselves as forward thinking, open minded individuals, we often live inside a neat little box when it comes to sex. And whilst there is nothing wrong with this, sometimes we suppress our deepest sexual urges and desires in a bid to conform – and to what end?
Sex is an ever evolving art. Looking back to the 19th century, it was common place for people to have sex fully clothed, with special holes for intercourse sown into the attire. Exploring beyond missionary position was a taboo, let alone oral or anal sex.
Nowadays, these acts are parts of everyday vanilla sex , and those who like rough sex, kink and fetishes are now the ones seen as the convention breakers; but the truth is maybe we are missing out?
sometimes we suppress our deepest sexual urges and desires in a bid to conform – and to what end?
If you’ve ever fantasised about adding something extra to your sex life – such as BDSM – but been confused about where to start, we bring you expert advice from internationally renowned BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist, Sarah Berry.
According to Madame Caramel ‘depending on who you are BDSM can mean many things.’It stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M).
For her as a wife-to-be, she cannot imagine what her relationship would be like without BDSM and the couple enjoy a mixturee of all the elements, she is the dominant and he is the submissive.
The bondage and discipline element of BDSM refers to sexual acts where the submissive partner is trained and restrained, many of these acts are present in our everyday sex life on a milder scale (think covering your partners eyes or holding their hands together).
Restraining the submissive can include a whole host of things from Shibari (a Japanese rope form of bondage) to being handcuffed to a bed post, partner, or oneself. There are also some more advanced forms of restraint, such as ceiling hooks and bondage cages.
Discipline on the other hand, has more of focus on behaviour modification, the submissive’s behaviour is corrected with punishments, these can be physical and psychological like spanking or erotic humiliation.
In a BDSM relationship there is always a Dominant and a submissive. The Dominant is responsible for dominating the submissive; male Dominants are called Doms and female Dominants are called Dommes.
The submissive is the partner that gives up control in a BDSM relationship and male and females submissives are often called subs.
This is normally the area of BDSM that most people can’t define, however it simply refers to the giving and receiving of pain. The masochist experiences pleasure by being inflicted with pain, whilst for the sadist the administration of pain produce pleasure.
The difference between difference between sadism and masochism and dominance and submission is that the former is about inflicting pain and the latter is about control.
They can feature simultaneously in a BDSM relationship, however infliction of pain is not always a component of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
So now we covered the basic elements of BDSM, it’s time to find out what type of a role you would take on. Our sex expert, Sarah, tells us ‘a session can involve you choosing to be dominant or submissive, or you may want to switch these roles.’
choose what makes you tick … and then whatever box that you decide to put yourself in, you try to explore that side.
The truth is the best way to find out that you like is to experiment, some of the most dominant people in their work & social life love taking on the role of the submissive in the bedroom and vice versa. Some people try both roles and realise that they like both and they switch session by session or even during the session.
It’s all about finding the perfect balance for your partner and yourself, Madame Caramel recommends that you ‘choose what makes you tick … and then whatever box that you decide to put yourself in, you try to explore that side.’
The great thing about BDSM is that it gives you and your partner the chance to explore another dimension of life and almost step into an alternative realm. It gives you the opportunity to try out your fantasies in safe and trusting environment, which can be great for your mental health and your relationship.
However, sex expert Sarah warns: ‘adding things to you sex life doesn’t necessarily make for a happier, more fulfilling experience’ you both have to be on the same page.
We all know how difficult it can be to be to bring up something new to our partners, a barrage of thoughts fill your head: how will they take it, will this cause an argument, what if they shut me down. However the truth is a successful relation hinges on good communication.
Madame Caramel explains that it is important to ‘understand each other and be able to talk about a range of subjects and this shouldn’t be any different, if you are interested in BDSM you really should talk to your partner, make them aware of your desires, and try to explore your fantasies without being afraid.’
Think small; you can always add things later.
If you are worried about finding the words to tell your partner, try non verbal communication: maybe trying leaving them a sexy little note or watching a suggestive movie together. Sex expert Sarah says ‘If you want to talk to your partner about kink and feel they may be nervous, you could ask them how they feel about your sex life. Do they have fantasies? Suggest things you might like try. Think small; you can always add things later.’
But remember, ‘ BDSM is only good for a relationship, if it’s what you both want to do, no one feels pressured and it’s an exciting endeavour rather than an ordeal or anything that feels tricky. Be open about how you feel and what you want.’
So you’ve had a chat and you are both on the same page, but where do you start ? Sarah says ‘being kinky doesn’t have to involve expensive latex outfits, dungeons, scary hitting implements or humiliation (though all of these things can be enjoyable if that’s your thing).’
If you just look around the house or assess your sexual habits, even if you think you aren’t kinky, you will probably have bits of BDSM in your bedroom habits and useful tools lying around.
it’s a good idea to have a safe word with BDSM as your role may include you shouting “no” when you’re actually enjoying yourself.
Sarah says this could includes a range of things from ‘whether [you] like to pin someone down (holding their wrists or tying to the bed posts), use sex toys with each other, scratch during sex or indulge in role-play.
If you’re thinking of experimenting, you can use what’s lying around your house – whether it’s tying up with your dressing gown chord, using the back of a brush as a spanker.’
They say when you are dressed the part, you play the part and BDSM is no different. Get yourself some latex (or leather if you are allergic) and instantly transform into your role.
You can try: Latex Rubber Black Dress available to buy in the US from Amazon .
Or for UK based sales try: marysgift Wet Look Lingerie Short Black Dresses for Women available to buy from Amazon .
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