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Your wife cheats on you – now what ?
It’s one of those things you don’t really think is ever going to happen. In fact, statistically speaking, it isn’t likely to happen. Of course, statistics don’t mean much to someone who has experienced it. So, what do you do when you find out that your wife has cheated (or is cheating) on you?
Infidelity is one of the most painful things to go through in a relationship. The betrayal of trust, the hurt, the anger, the feeling that you have somehow failed or driven her to it – these are all torturous to experience and not something you can really prepare for.
But if you find yourself having to figure out how to handle things after your wife cheats on you and wondering what to do next, there are a number of things to consider.
First, take a deep breath. Whether you suspected it, or it’s coming as a total surprise, this is emotionally jarring news. And it hurts – really hurts.
When you've found out your wife has cheated your initial reactions will be driven purely by emotion.
The order and expression of these emotions can vary from man to man, but everyone will experience some version of anger and sadness. Some men will feel sad and hopeless initially, others will feel angry and vengeful. Regardless of the order, strong feelings will surface and need to be dealt with.
So, what things should you do if your wife cheats on you? And, equally as important, what should you not do?
Dr. Kurt has counseled many men and couples that have been affected by infidelity and it can be difficult (but not impossible) to get past. According to him,
How you respond when your wife cheats is crucial as it sets the tone for all that will follow. Most men's anger and pain leads them to an impulsive response that just drives their partner further away and makes her more resolved to continue the affair or leave. Questioning whether or not you want to stay married to a wife who cheats on you is understandable and normal. Answering that question, however, should take some time so that it's made intelligently and not emotionally. Recovering from an affair is really, really hard and is best done with a professional counselor who's been through it before."
Yes, the why does matter and understanding that will help you figure out what to do now that you know your wife has cheated on you. The reason she cheated will vary a great deal from woman to woman. There is no single reason why a woman cheats (or a man).
Cheating is clearly a sign of trouble in the relationship. You'll need to understand the problems in order to fix things.
Ultimately, however, cheating has less to do with you as a partner and more to do with her personal failings. Figuring out the actual reasons why it happened can be a process though. And it's an important piece when you're determining what to do when your wife has been caught cheating.
It won’t make things okay - there is no real justification for infidelity. It will, however, help you as a couple figure out why you have ended up in this situation.
Cheating does not have to be the end of a marriage, although people often assume that it does.
Not necessarily. As mentioned, cheating does not have to be the end of your marriage. Surviving infidelity is possible. It could actually be the beginning of a healing and growing process. And while it is not the ideal way to figure out that your marriage is in trouble, it certainly leaves no doubt.
If you're in the unfortunate circumstance of having to figure out what to do when your wife cheats on you, take heart in the fact that many relationships have been able to get past an affair. It is not an easy task though.
You will both need to be committed to the work it will take to bring things back to a healthy place. Getting to that place and reconnecting can take time, however, so you’ll need to have patience as well.
One of the hardest pills to swallow when your wife cheats on you is the idea that she’s fallen out of love with you and potentially in love with someone else. That may not be the case, however.
It’s a natural leap to go from “She cheated on me” . . . to “She doesn’t love me anymore.”
How could she, right? If she loved you she wouldn’t have cheated.
Many people who cheat claim to still love their spouses and don’t want to end things. It seems counterintuitive, but there are lots of reasons women give for cheating. Some of the most common include:
None of these things should be accepted as justification. But they often go hand-in-hand with, “I still love you.”
They also help illustrate the how cheating can be the result of other problems in the marriage. One of the things you need to do if your wife cheats on you is to think about and accept the part you’ve played in the problems in your marriage.
To say that dealing with an affair in a relationship is difficult and painful is an understatement. It is one of the hardest things any couple can face. But remember that you got married for a reason. Those reasons are likely to still be there, even if they are buried under mountains of life and marital problems.
Figuring out what to do when your wife cheats on you will likely take the help of a counselor and belief in the foundation that you built early on. But, if you're committed to the marriage and recovering what you once had, anything is possible - we've seen it happen many, many times.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2018 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.
First, I can't believe no on else has commented on this. Many years ago my wife cheated on me, it was I think a six month affair with a co-worker. I did not find out about it until we had moved to a different state. She started acting despondent and finally revealed what had happened. She wanted to leave me take the kids and go to him. I refused to let the kids go under those circumstances as I had seen some similar situations where the "boyfriend" did not take care of the other children. My wife decided to stay and we overcame the issues; but now many years later I am having difficulties with the past, up to and including waking up at night with dreams about it. I tried to confront the wife all these years later for details but have had little success. My advice based on our experience, yes reconciling is possible...but be sure that is what you really want and is best for the long term.
yes this stuff can haunt you, took me like 5 years and still bothers me from time to time, but here is the kicker brother, you can still leave her anytime you want...you havent lost that choice....make sure she knows that.
Did you cheat on het after you found out she cheated on you like a revenge?
When I found out my wife cheated on me I was so angry that the first thing that came to mind was revenge but not just with another woman no that's just causing someone else pain so I decided to reach out to the other guy wife telling her what her husband and my wife was doing so I suggested giving them a taste of their own medicine (cheating on the cheaters by the cheated) karma 1on1 it was so easy to start over after that forgave & forget no more cheating on both ends guaranteed
Same. I gave the guy an ultimatum. Tell your wife or I will. My wife was accountable enough to tell me what happened. Now it's his turn to be a grown up. The victims deserve to know.
You don't get over it...you only suppress your feelings. Forty years later it is as vivid in my brain and the night I caught them together. When I go to bed, if I lay on my left side, no issue; if I lay on my right side, it pops in my head and the reason why is that is the position I slept in that night when I came home in a mental fog. I only wish to this day that I had picked him up and slammed him against the wall but I didn't. I was like a robot..what I was witnessing my mind couldn't believe. I just turned and walked away.
I had suspicions of my wife cheating for several months.m Our marriage was heading south for aabout 6 months and her attitude towards me starting to really changed. we went from being cordial everyday to just straight up arguing over everything you can imagine. thats when i said to myself somethings not quite right, so i went to my ole reliable( my gut feeling) which honestly has never truly lied to me. i started to see her always having to step away to take phone calls, or not wanting to make eye to eye contact, being real short winded in conversations, but most of all when it came time to going to bed she would be so far at the end of the bed , that she would almost fall off just to not be close to me. then there was her going out , and little did my wife know is that our car has gps on the vehicle, but she only thought it was for traveling to find a place night give the car locations. so she would say im going out with my girlfriend and i be like ok babe. little did she knoe i was tracking her every moves the places she said she was going were never true, and i would indirectly always ask her after the fact until one night about 4am in the morning i called her and said baby where are you its late , i know club should be over , so shes like i just left the club im on my way. So i tells her when she get home tell me bout your entire night where did you go who went out with you, she gave me the usual BS and then i said are you sure baby, she says yes im sure, i says well the car has been parked at some apartment complex for 5 hours, and before that it was at some restaurant for 1 hour and a half, nothing to do with a club or anything. her faced dropped, she siezed up starting instantly coming up with lies about how and who and what?. I then recorded a conversation one day i left my phone in the house and behold i caught her making plans to see this guy again and telling him , how shes going to dress up like shes going out to fake me out and catch a uber to his house from where she will drop her car off at the club. I say all thsi to say , once a man or women cheats its just the beginning, but once a women starts its no turning back. she cheat on you without a thought, and it might not be with same guy. but once a good girl is gone bad she gone forever. I myself had to file for divorce even with kids and all, because for my peace of mind I cant lay down at night wondering what the person next to me is doing.
i understand that you are facing problems... and so i would suggest you should move on. You only live for 60 to 90 years and so why waste it? explore the world and explore yourself... you wont be able to do good until you make yourself young.. Date a girl(who is not a hoe like youer wife), di=rink and party and be freeless... enjoy your work and be in everyone's good book. Avoid your wife because her stupid mistakes is causing you your mental health which will never be over until you do what i have said from above.. ALL THE BEST WITH LIFE
Iam in this same situation, am just afraid of the kids
Well, Took me 20 years to start trusting and the waking up in terror to subside. Spent many years repairing and certainly not reliving everyday. Having done all that work I find my wife has done it again. Worse and longer. I keep wanting to blame myself but I just can’t although I just want to punish myself feeling inadequate is so helpless when you know you a great provider and father. Never have struck my wife, don’t drink, don’t argue in a nasty way just makes me beside myself the lack respect. She didn’t cheat with one it was meaningless sex with many and disregard for my life it’s what is really shocking.
Very sensitive issue ....in such case you are so much insulted that you hate yourself .....ALL your energy which you should use for your career or any other good work is wasted and gets used for calming yourself... The day starts with Positive attitude trying to overcome the loss due to this tragedy and day ends with a negative attitude knowing ...you are fighting a lost battle ....it is like a cancer eating you inside so much that you dont remember when last you laughed ... BUT NO WAY OUT TIME IS THE SOLUTION I myself is waiting for last 35 years to come out of this blackhole
Sorry, to the both of you for having to deal with your spouse's EA/PA. If you're a M or W, I don't believe you ever get over the fact of what your spouse's infidelity. I'm recently dealing with catching my spouse having an EA and it hurts. As a guy who has had multiple opportunities, I've really only had eyes for my wife (never turned although my wife swears I have). I don't know how you guys were able to overcome this, but I'm struggling to figure out what my next step will be.
JP,
As a man that has had my wife cheat on me, I can relate. I wonder if she did that then why is she still with me? Is it because of money? Security? i know the man did not want her for anything but an affair and did not want to be with her ( possibly due to her being married and she could do that to him). My wifes affair happened at work, in a hospital. I found out because I randomly popped in and found them together. i was ready to divorce then I thought, Is this guy going to ruin everything in my life? So I worked out things, she left the hospital and we were getting back on track until just last month he started to call and hang up on both me and my wife. He really is unhappy with himself and wants everyone else to be unhappy. Well my wife was so angry that he could do this that she saw him in a different light. She is talking to attorneys and Private investigators. But when it came down to it she could not go through with it. He has stopped calling, but I am sitting back just watching everything for now. I too will always be on guard and untrusting. I only know that I went to booze and cigerettes and I just was miserable. I am working on myself, being selfish, learning how to tell her NO. Only time can tell what will happen but I have to look out for me now.
I am heartfelt sorry for what you have, and are still going through. If i may add something, my SO was talking to a guy for months. I needed a major surgery and the day she dropped me off at the hospital she went and cheated. Cheaters dont care about nothing but themselves. She waited until i was out of the way for that week. Cheaters are the lowest form of life on earth. The day i got out of hospital i walked. She has tried to call and text, but i ignored it.
I had a suspicion of her infidelity previous to her confessing the truth, I asked myself what should my reaction be? I went through all of the obvious emotional responses and after much contemplation realized that I didn't love her any more. It was like a hundred pound weight being lifted from me.I have told her that she destroyed the love and attraction that I once had for her, that she would have to earn back those feelings if she wants to reconcile. All though I had been faithful up to that time, I now feel no obligation to her and will see other women. My point is, your wife cheats on you, don't put the illness upon your self. She violated, its her shame. Recognize that she paid a high price for her cheating, she just lost a loving, faithful husband. Let her wallow in her shame, make her earn her place back to your bed with the option that now your your in the drivers seat free to explore other options.
I found a bithday card for another man written buy my wife i confronted her, first was denial i walked out she started crying and said am i going to throw 10 years of marrage away. within the card were multiple i love you and life long promisses written 2 days before i found it. she now swears nothing happend just a kiss . even after stating in the card they have a meeting place a fast food restaurant .i cant see how only one kiss happend im not stupid . now she wants to get passed this and i cant because of the holes in her stories. we have a seven year old and own a house together she is persistant at posting blame for this on me .i dont knoe what to do
She got laid several times. Never doubt that please.
Saw I ran through a text on my wife’s phone as I’m suspecting she’s sleeping with her co worker, late last year when I found out through her phone she said to them in an aguement that he should have left keys of he’s apartment she felt tired and wanted to sleep, she defended her self and I also didn’t want to hurt myself, but I can only imagine, so last week I searched their Tex with the same guy every thing was deleted but the was a chat the guy blowing her loves and telling her that he’s sorry she’s got the flu and they should have had a session, that alone confirmed everything. Am I right? Been together for 7 years and have a 3 year old boy, I’m tired and I really don’t want my son to grow without a dad, I grew up with both my parents I want to afford my son the same advantage. Please advice a brother
Hi RT, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. I suggest you and wife set aside some time for a very open and honest conversation about what's going on and what should happen next. It will take both of you to make things work. From that point you can determine if you can move forward or may need to consider counseling. All my best - Dr. Kurt
I think Vukani, has hit the nail on the head, never forget she has got laid numerous times
The premise here seems to create a manipulative angle- I wonder if it has some "religious" grounds? Funny how after being cheated on you have to be the patient one- no? Transmuting the very real and justified hurt of betrayal into "understanding" the failure of your marriage (can be understood as shared failure- no?) and why your partner did what they did. Sounds like the victim is now taking the role as counselor to the victimizer. Is it possible that everyone, everywhere, has issues? Be them physical or analytical, real or abstract, philosophical or spirit
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