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an interview WITH A SUB subspace, chores, limits & respect

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Isa is a service submissive who has been in a relationship with her Dom for two years. We sat down over a glass of wine and she shared her story.
Don’t forget to head over to the shop and grab yourself a copy of sub / mission: an anthology , which is filled with first-person accounts of being a submissive.
Thank you for sitting down with us, Isa. You're currently a submissive in a long-term relationship, can you tell us more? In my relationship, I'm the submissive partner. I don't always refer to myself as a sub. I don't like to put labels on people and things. It's a bit of a spectrum, like anything to do with sexuality. Some people definitely sit at one end or the other. Most people float, I guess. With relationships, I've tended to be the submissive partner, unless it is a vanilla relationship. I’m definitely not afraid to step up into a dominant role if the situation calls for it.
You've been with D* for two years. How did you meet? We met at an anti-Valentine's Day function. I was invited along by a friend. I didn't know anyone else there. I showed up and we kind of hit it off.
In your relationship with him you play the role of service submissive, can you expand on this? I do the housework and the shopping and the cooking and all of that. It’s part of our arrangement that I do those things as a form of play and to make things run a bit smoother. We have a Saturday morning routine. I usually try to head to his place at about 9 am. I make him breakfast, and that's when I do the domestics. I clean the place up and I do all the tidying. Usually, I have to wear a uniform for that. It's like a little French maid outfit. When I'm done, at about 11 or 12, we just do something fun or work for the rest of the day.
Earlier you mentioned you love to please, do you think that's pretty common with submissives?  It is, definitely. It also can be common in what we call service Tops. I've got a few friends that mostly identify as service Tops but they have a bit of a sadistic streak.
A service Top is similar to a Dom/me? It's closer to that side of it. They will Top people in play, but they're not a Dominant because they don't look for that power exchange. They will play with someone in the role of a Top, but they will do it more for the other person's pleasure, not for their own which seems to be the main motivator of a Dominant.
What is it about playing the submissive that gives you so much pleasure?  It's a way to step out of your own head for a little bit, it gives you something else to focus on. You can switch off. I'm a bit of a control freak in my life.  So it’s a way of switching off. You don't have to think about things too much. You can just let someone else make decisions for a while, forget about anything that's stressing you out. I've always been a bit of a masochist as well. For me, I enjoy the pain play of it. It's a nice big endorphin rush. There's also the subspace.
Subspace is mentioned a lot within the BDSM community. Can you elaborate on it for our readers? Subspace happens generally with pain play. It can happen with other sorts of play too. A lot of people can experience it just from being restrained or with rope. It's a chemical reaction that happens in the brain. It is a huge, huge rush of endorphins and serotonin. It takes you to this half asleep, dreaming stage where everything is just nice and fuzzy and warm and cuddly. A lot of people do it for the subspace. I don't tend to go there very easily.
Do you think you could easily switch between kink and “vanilla” relationships? I do enjoy the BDSM. I think when it is a part of my life, it tends to become a pretty important part of my life. I have had gaps without it though. At first you miss it, then you don't after a while, and getting back into the habit of not making your own plans and decisions can take getting used to. For me, it's something that isn't a 100% necessary part of life. I think that I could be quite happy without it. Most of my enjoyment comes from making other people happy; I’m not into humiliation or degradation. Also, I want to get married someday and have kids. I don't see that fitting in with the BDSM lifestyle.
You don't think you could have a family and be into BDSM? I think it's something that could work if there was a “vanilla” relationship first that moved in that direction, especially with raising kids. It needs to be an equal partnership more than anything else and built on a foundation that will take you through the good and bad. There’s also a lot of emotional ups and downs in D/s relationships and having a small baby and a Dom/me vying for you attention would be exhausting. I know there are people that make it work but it just depends on finding the right partner.
Have you always been interested in kink? Yeah, I've read a lot of novels about it. I think a lot of the problem with young submissives in particular going into the BDSM scene is that there's a lot of the literature out there and some of it does not give the right message.
There's no concept of consent, negotiation, safety. I can't remember the author's name, but there's only one author that I know of that has a little preface in the beginning of all of her stories that says, "This is fiction. Everything happens a lot quicker in this story than it will in real life. If you do this in real life, please stop, negotiate, work out a safe word, always have a safety call. Make sure you've got a friend who knows where you are." None of that happens in the stories. You get a lot of people who are curious that jump straight in. They don't take any safety measures. On the other side, you've got a lot of young Doms that are interested in going into it, and they can hurt people because they don't know about the safety measures.
it’s imperative to discuss boundaries and soft and hard limits within play. How do you navigate that?
There's certain types of play that I don't enjoy as much as others. I'm not a huge fan of canes. I hit my limit pretty quick with those. I have a safe word, so when it gets to that point, I call my safe word. I'm more of a sensation person than a straight out impact person. I like electricity play and candle wax.
Can you tell us more about electricity play? There's machines called Violet Wands, and they're quite fun. They come with lots of different attachments. It basically just gives mild electric shocks, it makes your skin feel like it's getting too tight, then too loose, then too tight.
What do you think it is about the pain that you like? I think it's just the endorphin rush that comes with it. Ideally, you'd have a partner that eases you into it and starts off gently so you don't have that initial pain response. For me, personally, if I have that pain response, I find it very difficult to move past that and get to the happy place. If it starts off gradual enough, there shouldn't be a big instinct of, "Oh my gosh, pain." That said, there are some people that all they want is that big pain response. So every person is different.
And it seems that it’s this type of play that is a focus, rather than sex . . . For a lot of people, BDSM is very tied to sex. It's different with every person but I prefer it not being about sex and keeping that aspect separate from the play. It’s about that mental connection that you can get to with the other person. I think you need to build a lot of trust and be very comfortable with the person before you can take the play to a sexual place whilst you’re vulnerable.
When sex does happen, is it a more heightened experience for you? I think it probably is for a lot of people.
If someone were interested in BDSM, where would you recommend they go to find out more? I recommend they find a munch. A munch is a public meet-up. We have them once a month on a Sunday, the community meets up in a public space. There’s no overt kink or play. It's just a place where we meet each other, make connections, talk to people, ask advice. It's a nice, safe space to meet people. It's no pressure. It's not a dungeon or a play party which can be a bit full on if it’s your first real world experience on your own.
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When I first met Doug on Match.com (opens in new tab) in 2005, we were 26 and living in Washington, D.C., both recently out of serious relationships, both working long hours at jobs we loved. He had a big position with a top financial firm; I headed up public relations for a health-care nonprofit. On our first date, although we only kissed, he told me I wouldn't be the same when he was done with me. I knew he was right—I just didn't know what it meant. Neither of us did.
Doug was tall with dark hair and eyes, but it wasn't his looks that unglued me. A recent business school graduate, he was smart, confident, and witty. We'd talk for hours about politics and sports, and though he commented on how amazing our chemistry was, how amazing I was, he held back emotionally. Control. He had it, always.
We dated for a few months and had intense—if, in retrospect, vanilla—sex. There was a magnetic pull between us, only the attraction swallowed me. I became uncharacteristically needy, and it pushed him away.
Months went by after we'd broken up, but I couldn't get Doug out of my head. I began having fantasies about him like I'd never had about anyone. I wanted him to overpower me. I'd heard about BDSM—bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—but didn't know much about it.
Curious about my new feelings, I did some research online. One site showed women being bound and whipped. Another showed a girl on the floor with a man standing over her asking who she belonged to. The answer: Him, of course. It all turned me on, but I felt confused. Wasn't it weird that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy something so degrading? I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how could I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring.
In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and yet it made perfect sense. That was our connection. I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink."
At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own. Our shared interest in BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me scream, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it." Or he'd forward articles or videos of BDSM research he'd done.
I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only go as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him. It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt? Could you trust me to do anything to you?" Almost a year after our first date, Doug came to my house to try BDSM.
We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be obedient. He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom. I could hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It hurt like hell, but I was utterly turned on. I had no control. And I loved it.
Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away. I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him.
Nearly two years passed before I saw him again. We had both gotten married, gotten on with our lives. My husband and I renovated our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends. And my business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug and me. When Doug texted that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, I agreed to meet him for a drink.
I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to see an ex for closure. But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark connection was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he told me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it. He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. And just like that, our long-distance, extramarital D/s relationship began.
"A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go."
With 500 miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.
We know what we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest with my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way. Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him.
Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town. He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. In a
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