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Dino Sex is known for It Came from Trafalgar (2009), The Allins (2017) and August Underground's Penance (2007).
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created 18 Jan 2019

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The Allins
Self - Interviewee / Drummer

August Underground's Penance
Self

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2017

The Allins
(Documentary)

Self - Interviewee / Drummer (as Donald 'Dino' Sachs)

2007

August Underground's Penance
(Video)

Self

Alternate Names:
Donald 'Dino' Sachs

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By:

Cyriaque Lamar

October 06, 2013

It's time we finally save New Mombasa.
Reminder: canonically Pokémon and humans used to get married.
Maybe Andy Warhol’s “Batman Dracula” can show up in the DC multiverse.
These days, the name “Tesla” is synonymous with “crashing into things and catching on fire,” which is basically how the man himself operated.
Developers, who hurt you and made you so weird?
As these things happen, it's come to the planet's attention that a pair of Texas college students has been self-publishing a not-unsuccessful series of dinosaur-on-girl porno novellas on Amazon.
Given that the Internet requires elaborate sex fantasies involving The Price Is Right and the Muppets to even maintain an erection, dino porn seems quasi-puritanical. But these books sport outright hilarious art, which juxtaposes a blase stock photo model with a confused CG dinosaur. Here are the 10 best covers.
Key Blurb: "Instead of the tearing her to bits, the raptor begins to nuzzle at her nether regions."
It's a fair assumption that the authors blessed these dinos with big ol' mammalian Fabio dongs. If we're being evolutionarily sound, the happy raptor up there will likely end up unceremoniously dumping a cloaca full of sperm all over that gal and pass out a good 90 seconds before his cave-stereo hits the drum solo from "In the Air Tonight."
Key Blurb: "Dianne is a shepherd, watching over flock of sheep."
CONSUMER ALERT: Taxonomically speaking, pterosaurs weren't dinosaurs, so anybody expecting dinosaur porn when they purchased this book WILL NOT be able to get off. We repeat: DO NOT buy this book if you want to masturbate to a story about a dinosaur fucking a shepherd. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Key Blurb: "Marga was the Protectress, the city's leader, charged with defending it against dinosaur attacks."
Everybody assumes that these books are by random perverts, but one of these days the camera's going to pull back and we're going to see, like, Kofi Annan, hunched over a typewriter with an impish twinkle in his eye.
Key Blurb: "At first Carla hates being violated by the ancient beast, but after a while she begins to enjoy it."
Why doesn't anybody spin erotic yarns about all the nice extinct creatures, like I Was Plugged by a Respectful Dodo or A Steller's Sea Cow Fondled My Jugs With True Emotion ?
Key Blurb: "The beautiful, buxom girl must now tend the farm like the rest of her family, feeding the animals, tending the crops, and protecting their land from hungry predators, like foxes, wolves, and the occasional dinosaur."
Look, if you're going to illustrate a macrocephalic velociraptor plowing a busty farmhand, respect the reader and set that shit amidst the waving wheat that sure smells sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain. A locker room just seems so WRONG .
Key Blurb: "Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave."
Wait a minute, that's the same guy from Running from the Raptor ! Is this a sequel? Did he meet these girls at the swinger's bar on Noah's Ark ? Was there ever a porno parody of Theodore Rex ? (If not, everybody tell Cracked majordomo Jack O'Brien we must reroute 90 percent of our site's operating budget toward such.)
Key Blurb: "When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh."
Judging from that tyrannosaurus' expression, he's not euphemistically "interested" -- he's legit aghast that his dinner's on the cusp of climaxing. His eyes scream, "Look, lady, I know my fossil record, and I am sooo fucking uncomfortable right now."
Key Blurb: "The job market was tough, and it couldn't have been tougher than it was on Kate. She'd been looking forever for a new job, but she couldn't find one. As she was reading through the paper one day, she came across an ad for a museum looking for a night watchperson. She gets the job and finds herself as a night guard, working for a dinosaur natural history museum. Things there are normal and quiet ... until all of the dinosaurs come alive!"
According to Amazon, this is a 5,050-word story. We hope 5,041 of those words describe her travails with unemployment in breathless detail and the final nine words are "The dinosaurs came alive. Everybody did sex. The end."
Key Blurb: "Horrified and aroused by the horned giant, Beliria must find a way to control the situation."
"When we wrote Ravished by the Triceratops , sure, we depicted a full-sized Cretaceous herbivore. But when it came time to design the cover, we thought about how sensual it would be to get worked over by those pygmy dinosaurs from the 1992 straight-to-VHS classic Prehysteria! and we just plum forgot ourselves."
Key Blurb: "A very special T-Rex is hunting her -- this T-Rex has psychic powers."
Well, that's it. The written word has peaked. Time to shut down this whole "literature" thing. Please burn down your local library on the way out the door.
Cyriaque Lamar is a senior editor here at Cracked. Yesterday, he wrote his own Star Wars fan fiction for this very site. You can find him on Twitter .
We've got your morning reading covered.
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Kind of relieved to learn that Soylent Green won't work out after all.
COPYRIGHT © 2005-2022 Cracked is published by Literally media Ltd.,

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By

Natalie Wolchover

published April 14, 2011

Paleontologists spend a surprising amount of time contemplating dino sex. They have all kinds of theories as to how it went down, but unfortunately, there's no actual flesh to, well, flesh out the details.
Birds and reptiles are dinosaurs' closest living relatives, and because they all have a cloaca a single opening for urination, defecation, and reproduction most paleontologists believe that dinosaurs did the deed through such an orifice as well.
This may not have required a penis. Some birds reproduce by squirting semen from one cloaca at another in what modern ornithologists call a "cloacal kiss." Their dino ancestors may have engaged in that rather unsexy form of sex kissing too.
On the other hand, males might have had penises, and very prominent ones at that. From zero to enormous, the ratio of penis length to body size varies drastically among dinosaur descendants, making it next to impossible to speculate on the question of their endowment. Some two-foot-tall ducks, for example, have 7-inch penises , while 15-foot-long crocodiles have mere 4-inch members. A 40-foot-long Tyrannosaurus rex , therefore, may have had a 10-inch penis, or a 12-foot-long one.
Furthermore, according to Brian Palmer at Slate, "Paleontologists can only guess about mating positions, duration, and behavior. The majority view seems to be that large males like the Mamenchisaurus a 60-foot-long behemoth featured in the new exhibition [at the American Museum of Natural History] probably mounted from behind, like modern giraffes and elephants."
Follow Natalie Wolchover on Twitter @ nattyover .
Natalie Wolchover was a staff writer for Live Science from 2010 to 2012 and is currently a senior physics writer and editor for Quanta Magazine. She holds a bachelor's degree in physics from Tufts University and has studied physics at the University of California, Berkeley. Along with the staff of Quanta, Wolchover won the 2022 Pulitzer Prize for explanatory writing for her work on the building of the James Webb Space Telescope. Her work has also appeared in the The Best American Science and Nature Writing and The Best Writing on Mathematics, Nature, The New Yorker and Popular Science. She was the 2016 winner of the Evert Clark/Seth Payne Award, an annual prize for young science journalists, as well as the winner of the 2017 Science Communication Award for the American Institute of Physics.
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