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Your very first dildo was probably the only thing you could afford at the time, leaving you with a likely case of the “WTFs” after several years of only being halfway satisfied.
I feel your pain, brothers and sisters.
The wide and wacky world of dildos is way too large for anyone to navigate it on their own. We all have to stick together on this one, lest we fall victim to the ole ho-hum sex toy thing once again.
On the other hand, deciding on a new dildo isn’t always easy. Not only are there lots of obvious choices out there but the new stuff on the market has given rise to much debate and curiosity.
With features that fly in the face of the latest technology and ergonomics that rival that of luxury mattresses, today’s dildos aren’t anything like the ones of old.
Quite honestly, we should be a lot more thankful for that.
Back in the day, men and women had to get a prescription from their doctor before they could get a decent dildo.
Before that, people fashioned their fun sticks out of household items like tube socks, rubber gloves and vegetables. And prior to those days, we had individuals who crafted dildos out of stone, chalk and old bread.
So, while we’ve come a long way in terms of perfecting the materials and design, our culture has yet to catch up with the latest developments coming from the dildo guys.
These innovative products are not your run-of-the-mill synthetic penises either.
Created to satisfy all tastes (no matter how perverted or twisted they might be), contemporary dildos dance around the fine line between medical-grade marital aids and fantastic novelty items.
Depending on the user’s wants, needs and budget, a good modern dildo can be fully customized just like your dad’s old hotrod.
And while choosing between options may be difficult, it’s only half the battle.
Understanding yourself as a shopper is important too. The following are some things you need to take into consideration before ever looking at your first dildo:
Why are you in the market for a new dildo? Does your old one just not do it for you anymore? Has your current device seen better days? Or, are you one of the lucky people who just now discovered the wonders of a terrific synthetic dick?
Regardless of what category you fall into, knowing what you need in a good dildo is vital. Otherwise, you’ll end up getting suckered into something that’s beneath you (in the worst way possible).
Know your reasoning like the back of your hand. If you want something that’s extremely realistic, settle for nothing less. If you’re looking for a dildo that has bonus features, hold out until you discover it.
There’s literally something for everyone out there, so now is the time to exercise patience and due diligence. Read product reviews to find out if that dildo you’re considering actually pays the bills, if you know what I mean.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but apparently so is pleasure. Because the human body is a tricky thing, dildo manufacturers have not been able to create a material that’s perfect for every single skin type known to man.
And while silicone is generally considered safe for all users, there are still some problems with it due to the incompatibility of silicone with certain types of lube. It’s always something, isn’t it?
Knowing your skin type helps you avoid irritation, rash, and allergic reactions that could be embarrassing, painful or even deadly. It’s one thing to visit the ER because you used a sex toy unwisely; it’s another thing to host a funeral for it.
Most cases don’t get anywhere near that serious, but you get what I’m saying. It’s important to know yourself better than some sex toy maker, plus the materials with which your dildo is made will determine how easy it is to clean and maintain.
That budget is going to play a big role in the dildo you select. With prices that vary greatly and special cost considerations that we haven’t even discussed yet, I’m not so sure that dollar in your hand is going to stretch as far as you’d like it to. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and try to point you toward the good stuff in the meantime.
But just like everything else in life, you get what you pay for.
If you’re extremely lucky, you can sometimes catch a good deal when you least expect it. And as luck would have it, certain dildo makers offer secret discounts, coupon codes and have seasonal sales throughout the year.
Keep your eyes peeled out there, soldier.
Marketing ploys and clever schemes aside, what you just learned should be enough to earn you a master’s degree in sex toys.
I have no idea what you’ll encounter next on your journey of dildastic discovery but I can tell you this: Nobody will be able to pull the wool over your eyes ever again.
So, go ahead and throw that delipidated dildo into the trash where it belongs. Step out and step your masturbation game up.
You’re only a few steps away from copping the next best thing since sliced bread.
BEST FOR INSTANT INTIMATE INTENSITY
The Fun Factory Stronic Real is a powerful thrusting dong with a realistic shaft and a tapered tip. But the best part is its seven-speed motor and triple dip of vibe patterns to explore.
Enjoy a rush of precision pulsations from this larger-than-life device, with 5.5 inches of insertable length.
The slightly curved head means better contact with your g-spot or p-spot And the delicate detailing creates lifelike sensations with every thrust.
You even get a travel lock feature to experience quiet, discreet sex on the go.
PRO: The powerful battery gives you more than two hours of play with each full charge.
CON : This toy is not safe for people with pacemakers.
The LELO brand is known for their economical yet luxurious sex toys. Their new and improved Soraya 2 is no exception.
It provides dual stimulation with a rounded shaft for comfy insertion, and a pair of flexible rabbit ears for clitoral massage.
Meanwhile, you can freely explore the twelve toe-tingling settings which adjust to help you tailor each experience. And this device is so groundbreaking that the manufacturer offers an unheard of 10-year warranty on all the parts.
Me love you long time, but not just because of the four-hour battery life.
PRO: You get a silky storage bag and a built-in travel lock for extra discretion.
CON : It takes this powerful machine a few hours to full charge after the battery dies.
Realistic detailing meets lifelike ergonomics and a whimsical design. Those three elements combine to create the Vixen Johnny VixSkin Realistic Dildo.
Made from silky-smooth platinum cured silicone and secured atop a non-slip base, this dong is also harness compatible.
Enjoy hours of intimate internal stimulation from the solid inner core that mimics a real erection. And bask in the beauty of its textured, bulbous balls and slightly curved shaft.
You get seven sexy inches to explore, so make each one of them count.
PRO: The versatile design makes this device perfect for pegging.
CON: You need a separate 1.75-inch O-ring to secure this toy to a harness.
Go big or go home tonight. The Fun Factory G5 Big Boss can help you do both. It’s a large, realistic dildo with a g-spot vibrator in the hull.
Beneath the curved shaft and bulbous head is a powerful motor that offers five intense speed settings and four distinct patterns for your pleasure.
This seven-inch sensation gives you more control over the experience, with a convenient finger loop on the handle.
Plus, the clever button placement on the bottom makes this monstrosity even easier to enjoy (partner not included).
PRO: With each full charge, you get over two hours of non-stop play.
CON : The shaft may be too flexible for some users.
Fifty Shades fans unite! This luxurious vibrating dildo offers more than a recognizable name. It features a powerful thrusting motor inside which sends indulgent bliss to your nooks and crannies.
Plus, that same motor drives a dozen vibration settings and three variable speeds.
Control the ride with the touch of a button, and don’t forget to play with the rabbits.
You can enjoy extreme erotica with or without the extra pleasure settings in play. And every orgasm you experience comes with an endorsement from E.L. James herself.
PRO: This ultra-powerful dong features a whisper-quiet motor and a travel lock for discretion.
CON : The battery gives you just under an hour to explore the possibilities.
Nothing rocks your socks like a little shock. And that’s exactly what you’ll get with the Electra Stim Bi-Polar ElectroSex Wave Dildo.
It’s a wavy metal rod that conducts electricity from the power box to your body. And since it’s the perfect size, you can use the dong for vaginal or anal penetration.
Simply plug the wand into the Electra Stim unit (sold separately) to enjoy a temperature responsive tango of electrical impulses and intrigue.
Then set the box to pulsate for a strange yet familiar sensation.
PRO: The unique shape means you can get off with or without the Electra Stim power box.
CON : You can’t enjoy nipple play with this device because it’s too dangerous.
We don’t deserve a sex toy this good, but we can have one anyway. The Vixen Mustang Realistic Suction Cup Dildo offers dual density stimulation and ergonomic dimensions to deliver pleasure.
This ultra-realistic shaft features a pronounced head and lifelike detailing to produce those familiar feelings. And unlike similar devices, this one has a suction cup on the bottom.
That means easier and safer pegging sessions and better control for your partner.
So, take all 6.5 inches to the dome and don’t forget the lube. You’ll need it with a 5-inch girth like this.
PRO: Because of the shape and size, this device is perfect for vaginal or anal sex.
CON : You have to buy a separate 1.5-inch O-ring to strap this device to a harness.
When it comes to the King Cock Mega Girthy Ultra Realistic Suction Cup Dildo, the name says it all. It’s a massive silicone dong with chunky features and a 14-inch shaft.
Along the synthetic boner are realistic details like veins and curves. And at the bottom is a pair of textured balls and a tool for precision pegging.
Enjoy surprisingly easy handling from such a monster. With enough lube and practice, the King could be perfect for super-sized satisfaction from vaginal or anal penetration.
PRO : Although it’s enormous, the suction cup is surprisingly durable.
CON : The flexible shaft can make insertion and removal more difficult.
This solid steel g-spot dildo is outstanding for more reasons than one. Not only does it feature temperature-responsive materials, but it also curves to target the g-spot of p-spot in any position.
Offer up a tremendous internal massage with this dual-ended dong, complete with two different heads for versatile play.
The C-shaped shaft means better control, and the weighted design helps you feel the pleasure in your deepest nerve endings.
Plus, you get 10 inches of insertable length and 5.5 inches of girth to share.
PRO: It makes a terrific gift for your romantic partner with its fancy presentation box.
CON : The unforgiving rigidity may not be what some people prefer.
What’s nine solid inches between two lovers? The Vixen Outlaw VixSkin Realistic 9-Inch Dong is your answer.
It’s an extra-large dildo for vaginal and anal penetration and it isn’t playing favorites. The shaft is cleverly textured to mimic real human features.
Meanwhile, the bulbous head and rounded balls help increase the realism with every thrust.
This ultra-versatile toy slips and slides while you hang on to its conveniently flared base. Or slap it into a harness for hands-free play.
Remember, there are no rules when you’re an outlaw.
PRO: The simple design makes it perfect for newbies and pros alike.
CON : You have to use a specific cleaning solution to prevent the materials from warping.
Want to cut to the chase and just mold the penis of your favorite lover? Well now you can, with Clone-a-Willy. I swear on everything sacred that this is a real product and that it actually turns out as a pretty impressive dildo (if your inspiration suffices, that is).
The kit comes with everything you need to cast the perfect cock in the comfort of your own home, complete with coloring dyes, a small lube sample and even a detached bullet vibrator to stick inside the dildo when it’s all done setting up.
Made with hypoallergenic, plant-based ingredients, this this is ready to use immediately and super easy to clean/maintain.
PRO : Like snowflakes, no two Clone-a-Willy dildos are the same (which also means you can make several different kinds of dildos if that’s your thing).
CON : If you don’t follow the directions exactly as they’re written, you could have a serious mess on your hands.
Dildos are cool because, well, they’re lifelike or fantasy-based penises that are not detached to any semblance of a human body. I know how creepy and uninviting that sounds to some people, but for the rest of us, we understand the value in it.
Just recall the last time you wanted to Coyote Ugly your way out of a bed and you’ll figure out why dildos are so ubiquitous.
You see, a good dildo can provide a real and tangible service to those who use it properly. Contrary to popular belief, dildos are not made exclusively for single people or for individuals who want to waste away in their basement with an industrial-sized barrel of lube and a nudie magazine.
Today’s dildos are a whole new breed – sophisticated, stylish, social butterflies on a meaty, messy mission. I, for one, admire their bravery.
I’ve watched well-made dildos save boring marriages, prevent infidelity, keep the flame alive in a long-distance relationship and help with stamina or endurance problems (sometimes simultaneously).
Dildos have the ability to gently crack open people’s sexual shells by being familiar enough to induce feelings of comfort and erotically convenient enough to induce feelings of extreme pleasure. It doesn’t get any better than that, ladies and gentlemen. Can I get a round of applause?
Like all the greatest legends, dildos know exactly what we want and are there to give it to us when we need it. Whether you like your dildos large or small, thick or thin, realistic or whimsical, there’s guaranteed to be something that will float the boat.
The hard part is figuring out whether that dildo you’re considering is worth the money or not. Let’s not have you out here making it rain on dildo manufacturers like they’re slutty strippers.
Dildo shopping is supposed to be fun and exciting, not frustrating and exhausting.
Either way, the clever marketers behind all the advertisements and promotions are smart enough to know yo
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