Day Orgasm
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Day Orgasm
By Lisa Fogarty Published: Nov 25, 2016
"Having an orgasm every day will make you feel happier," says Astroglide TTC health advisor Dr. Draion M. Burch.
The brain is your number one obstacle in achieving an orgasm — and your most important ally.
Sex became a thing I expected and not a thing my husband and I both wanted but were sometimes too drained to experience.
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When it comes to health and wellness trends and gimmicks, I consider myself a professional lab rat on board with anything short of amputating a limb. I've allowed acupuncturists to jab needles into my forehead, let a "strawberry lipo" laser penetrate 13 millimeters into my abdomen to melt fat, and had my vagina tightened with a laser . And yet, I've somehow managed to neglect trying the easiest, most satisfying, and healthy (not to mention totally free!) experiment known to women (and men): giving myself one orgasm a day — just enough to help keep vaginal atrophy away (hurray!).
Let's talk facts first. An orgasm is, of course, that explosive, blissful moment when all of your sexual stars align and the vagina contracts in intensely pleasurable waves. But it's so much more than that. Orgasms release a powerhouse of hormones that include oxytocin, testosterone, and estrogen, says Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, author of Bodywise: Discovering Your Body's Intelligence for Lifelong Health and Healing . They're the best medicine imaginable to keep your hormones in balance, reduce anxiety, improve your sex life, and promote a more restful sleep, thanks to serotonin released during orgasm. Hell, they might even make you a kinder, gentler person who will one day celebrate her 99th birthday while scaling the Himalayas (we can dream, right)?
"Having an orgasm every day will make you feel happier," says Astroglide TTC health advisor Dr. Draion M. Burch. "Orgasms release dopamine, which makes you feel great. Daily orgasms can lower your stress levels, which will positively impact your wellbeing in more than one way (they bring down cortisol levels, lower weight, increase fertility, etc). When you orgasm, your heart rate increases, which helps strengthen your heart and lower your blood pressure. Daily orgasms can lead to a longer life. Not to mention, they also boost your immune system."
Since only one quarter of women experience orgasm through sexual intercourse alone, this bears repeating: Unless you have a partner with boundless amounts of energy and time to bring you to orgasm each day, you will need to take matters into your own hands. Literally. Masturbation isn't optional — it's the yellow brick road.
I'm a wife and mother of two children under five who works from home. None of these roles lends itself to dropping everything you're doing at three in the afternoon, saying, "fuck it," and taking cover in a locked bedroom for 20 minutes with a Rabbit vibrator. Not to mention, I don't own a vibrator. At 13, I discovered everything I needed to achieve orgasm solo — my right hand, clitoral stimulation, and five to 10 minutes alone (yes, I've timed it).
Given my situation, the first challenge I experienced when trying to have one orgasm a day was that I had to make it happen after the kids went to bed at eight p.m. No matter how tired I felt or whether I would have rather been binge-watching Mr. Robot and nursing a glass of Kahlua, I faithfully stuck to my schedule. Little did I know this would serve as one of the most valuable lessons I learned this month: the brain is your number one obstacle in achieving an orgasm — and your most important ally. Unless you are experiencing hormonal changes as the result of taking certain medications, breastfeeding, menopause, or illness, your body will fall right in line — but creating a mental slideshow of sexual images is kind of like boot camp training.
The first change I noticed after masturbating on the reg: my ability to summon sexy thoughts became automatic after about a week. That one fantasy I have that involves my husband and an office desk (I'll let you fill in the blanks) swelled over time to include props and even a few new characters. The more I focused on those series of images, the more I opened myself up to including other tantalizing subplots. Before I knew it, I had about 10 sexy scenarios from which to choose before settling in and shooting for an orgasm.
I learned that my menstrual cycle affected both the intensity of my orgasm and how long it took to achieve one. The orgasm that made me want to climb the walls the most was one I had the night before I got my period. The ascent to it took about 15 minutes and required a lot of start and stop so as not to overburden the clitoris with too much friction, but the beautifully explosive orgasmic release was, I swear, 25 seconds long and well worth the wait. My sweet, but quietest, orgasms happened in the first three days after my period ended. And, contrary to what I predicted would happen, the orgasms I experienced during ovulation were easier to achieve (two to three minutes from start to finish) and totally lovely — I'm not complaining — but not mind-shatteringly so.
But, oh, the health and wellness benefits . Take these with a grain salt and keep in mind that I exercise regularly, meditate, and eat well, but I still have to give credit where I think it's due. I did not experience one millisecond of menstrual cramping the month I got myself off daily — a rarity — nor did I have one sleepless night. No matter what stress I encountered that day, it melted away the second I experienced orgasm. In fact, I was able to channel my anger one night into one of the most pleasurable orgasms I had this month, thus proving angry solo sex is a thing.
But what about your partner, you may be asking. Is he missing out? Not at all — in fact, from sending him texts seconds after achieving orgasm alone and inviting him to join me to attacking him in his office on a random Tuesday at midnight, my husband benefited from my experiment tenfold.
However, I was afraid at first to tell my husband that I was masturbating once a day because I thought he'd wonder why I felt the need to do this if we were still having sex. But what I found was that having an orgasm on my own only made me feel more ready to have sex with him — like, minutes after. I found myself not wanting as much foreplay because I had already taken care of warming myself up — I just wanted to get to the main event. In a way, I was a lot more "all business" about sex after masturbating. My husband never complains about foreplay , but if I'm being honest, he seemed pretty damn happy to have a wife who jumped on him more often and was just .. ready. The most wonderful thing about the female orgasm is that they don't knock you out (ahem, men); rather, they rev you up for more.
Since I was taking care of my own sexual needs and learning even more ways to get myself off, my body rewarded me by making me crave more sex and connection, and, as result, making myself feel more sexual. Sex became a thing I expected and not a thing my husband and I both wanted but were sometimes too drained to experience. And frequent orgasms have now gone from an experiment to a health, wellness, and relationship necessity.
Now that the experiment is over, it's definitely difficult to make myself orgasm once a day (I was a little relieved I could take a night off). And that's OK. Now, I'm masturbating more than I was before — about four times a week — and I'm finding that's just enough to remind me that I should make being sexual a priority because it simply makes me feel happier and more relaxed.
Of course, sticking to any daily task can be tough. But, hey, it's a resolution that's way easier to keep than giving up junk food.
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Women's Most Reliable Route to Orgasm
Source: Laurie Mintz, Becoming Cliterate
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Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
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Depression
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Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted July 31, 2020
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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Today, July 31, is National Orgasm Day. To help you celebrate, below you will find a few of my favorite orgasm facts and tips—taken from my book, Becoming Cliterate — which research shows improves orgasm rate, sexual arousal, sexual satisfaction, sexual communication, and body-image in women.
1. Orgasm Explained. To understand orgasm, you first need to know that both penis- and vagina-owners have erectile tissue in their genitals. This tissue contains special capillaries that let the blood in, but not out. And, all that blood going into your erectile tissue creates tension that builds up to a very high point of tension. Orgasm is when powerful, rhythmic muscle contractions release that tension. And, stating the obvious, orgasm feels good. Here’s a description by one woman as quoted in a widely used Human Sexuality textbook :
It feels like all the tension that has been building and building is released with an explosion. It is the most pleasurable thing in the whole world.
2. Penis- and Vagina-Owners Describe Orgasm Similarly. There was a study in which people who identified as both women and men wrote descriptions of their orgasms. Expert judges (e.g., gynecologists, sex therapists) were asked to guess the sex of the writer, and they couldn’t. Both men and women talked about tension building up to a point of intensity, followed by a very pleasurable release of that tension. In explaining these similarities, the authors of The Orgasm Answer Guide pointed out that the spinal cord and brain are connected to the penis and clitoris by the same nerve route and that the clitoris originates from the same embryonic tissue as the penis. So, while the type of stimulation that gets men and women there is different, in the end, our orgasms are the same.
3. We have an "Orgasm Gap." Despite the similarities in biology and descriptions in orgasm among penis- and vagina-owners, the former are having way more orgasms than the latter. In one study , 39% of those who identified as women versus 91% of those who identified as men said they always or usually always orgasm during a sexual encounter. The main reason for this gap is that when women and men get it on, they tend to revolve the encounter around penetration and the vast majority of women do not orgasm from penetration alone. In fact, below is a chart from Becoming Cliterate showing what thousands of women say is their most reliable route to orgasm:
As you can see, among those who orgasm, 96% say their most reliable route involves some type of clitoral stimulation, either alone or coupled with penetration. Along these same lines, fewer than 1% of women say they pleasure themselves solely by penetration—also explaining why women are much more likely to orgasm when alone than with a male partner.
4. The Most Essential Step to Orgasm for Vagina-Owners. You can’t touch yourself one way during solo sex and then ignore this during partnered sex. The most crucial action needed to orgasm with a partner is to get the same type of stimulation you use when pleasuring yourself. There are two general ways to transfer your self-pleasure techniques to sex with someone else. One is teaching your partner what you like (e.g., show them, tell them). The other way is to do it yourself (e.g., using your own hands or vibrator on yourself during intercourse). And, here’s something really important about touching yourself during sex with a partner: It’s not a lesser form of sex than having your partner stimulate you. And, in fact, for some women, this is the most (or only) reliable way to reach orgasm with a partner.
5. To Have an Orgasm You Must Turn Your Brain Off. To have an orgasm, you need to switch your brain to “off mode" rather than engage in all-too-common self-monitoring (e.g., "How do I look?" "Am I going to come?"). Turning off your brain during sex can be accomplished with mindfulness , which is simply focusing completely on what is happening in the moment. When I teach students and clients about mindfulness, I tell them that being mindful is akin to riding a roller coaster, whether you like riding them or not. As you climb upward, you might be thinking to yourself “This is fun!” or “Why did I get on this thing? I want off!” But, as the roller coaster descends downhill, you become too immersed in the sensations to think any thoughts at all. This not thinking—just feeling what’s happening—is mindfulness. And it is sex’s best friend. Mindful sex is when you’re totally and completely immersed in the physical sensations of your body. It’s not a coincidence that the word mind-blowing is associated with sex. Mind-blowing sex means that your mind is not working; only your body is reacting. In fact, during orgasm, a part of the conscious mind turns off. Having an orgasm requires letting go of control and not thinking at all. That’s why studies have unequivocally shown that teaching women to be mindful leads them to be more sexually responsive and satisfied. Busy brains are not for the bedroom. So, start practicing mindfulness today, first in daily life and then in the bedroom. (I offer more detailed instructions on learning mindfulness in Becoming Cliterate and you can also learn via a free app such as Headspace or Insight Timer . Yoga is also a great way to learn mindfulness).
6. Communication is the bedrock to make your bedrock. Despite what you see in the movies, where everyone knows what to do and does it just right, in real-life sex, it's important to say what you want. It's perfectly fine to tell your partner what you like and how to pleasure you.
Happy National Orgasm Day. Come one, come all!
Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. is a psychologist, professor at the University of Florida, and the author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex and Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It .
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