Dad Crushes

Dad Crushes

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использует защитную технологию, которая является устаревшей и уязвимой для атаки. Злоумышленник может легко выявить информацию, которая, как вы думали, находится в безопасности.

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использует защитную технологию, которая является устаревшей и уязвимой для атаки. Злоумышленник может легко выявить информацию, которая, как вы думали, находится в безопасности.

What do you do when your grown father has an inappropriate relationship with someone your age?

More stories to check out before you go
Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
I am asking lang po about my father, a widower of 14 years. He told me he has a crush on my 15-year old classmate, who is almost the same age as me. Why is he like that?
I can tell from my dad that he thinks it is not just a crush, he really likes my classmate because he always asks about her. Then my classmate told me that my father sends her texts na “nakakakilig” (romantically exciting), love quote messages. My classmate said “ngayun lang daw tumibok ang puso niya” (this is the first time her heart beats so strongly for a man ).
My father’s heart beats for the wrong person. Thanks.
I am not sure one can always dictate who will capture one’s heart and whether the object of these affections is appropriate or not can often, therefore, be a matter of chance. Age, religion, civil status, family background, education, employment can all potentially stand in the way of a relationship. All of this is very much subject to local customs and practices, some of it reduced to law.
For example, in some places cousins can and are often encouraged to marry; elsewhere such unions are illegal. The age at which marriage is permitted also varies significantly, generally between 15 and 18 years old while the age of consent (to sex) also varies widely from age 12 upwards.
Whatever the legal and/or societal restrictions, it seems that in this day and age even with all we know about human development, both physical and emotional, relationshipsbetween men and women remain fraught with problems as is evidenced by even a casual glance at internet advisory columns, contemporary telenovelas etc.
How much more so if one of the protagonists is only 15 years old, not yet a fully developed adult, and experiencing her very first emotional involvement?
There are of course notorious examples of child brides (like 12-year-old girls being married off to 70-year-old men), of people simply flouting local laws (for example former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau, from Washington, United States, spent seven years in prison after “abusing” 12-year-old student Vili Fualaau and having his baby. They went on to enjoy a 12-year marriage and had two children together).
And between 2000 and 2010 nearly 250,000 children, some only 10 years old, were married in the US, according to data compiled by Unchained At Last , a group campaigning to abolish child marriage.
Science suggests that relationships and marriage stand a better chance of success if the parties have a degree of maturity. Custom, religion, the desire to escape poverty or violence take a different view.
Dr Holmes will, doubtless, have something to say on this score.
Thank you very much for your letter.
From Mr Baer’s older-men-having-relationships-with-teens broad perspective, let me go to the very specific circumstances of your three-way relationship.
I include you, not just because you are disturbed, and writing us for advice, about this relationship, but because it is not you who triangulated this relationship . Rather, both your father and your classmate initiated this triangulation and unfortunately, they have chosen you to be the third point in their relationship.
I do not know why they chose you. Your father is the most culpable because he is an adult. He may be unaware of the actual psychological term (parentification), but it does not take a genius to understand that role reversal (where he tell you about his crushes, rather than you telling him about yours; where you worry about his love life, rather than vice versa) can cause problems, as it is already causing you .
He has to learn about the devastating effects parentification can cause or risk your relationship with him floundering. For one, you will never again be comfortable introducing him to your friends, lest he once again responds the way he has to your classmate (let’s call her Kimi).
He also has to learn that, as you say, “(Your) father’s heart beats for the wrong person.”
It beats for the wrong person not because of the huge age gap between him and Kimi. After all, relationships between a 35-year old and a 55-year old have been known to thrive.
It is really because, at 15, you and your classmates are not full-fledged adults yet. This means your prefrontal cortices have not fully developed the way adult brains do (usually by age 25 or so).
Pictures of the brain in action show that adult and teen brains work differently.
Adults think with the prefrontal cortex. It is very likely that you and your classmate’s actions, like other teen brains, are guided more by the emotional and reactive amygdala and less by the thoughtful, logical prefrontal cortex. This is unlike adult behavior which, ideally, your father’s is, where higher cognition, planning, logic, reasoning, and proper social behavior are the responsibility of the prefrontal cortex.
Neither do I know why Kimi – among all the other classmates she could have – chose you to be her confidante.
I doubt it was for any sinister reason – maybe it’s because she hopes you can be their bridge or can tell her things about your dad – but that doesn’t make it less uncomfortable.
Since I am writing to you, I shall stick to what I think you can do. First, you do not have to, unless you really want to, but can try to speak to each of them. But no more than twice each.
Otherwise, you will only be considered a nag or a KJ (kill joy) and have no power to persuade.
Second, and most importantly, you have your own life to live without constantly being distracted by your father’s juvenile behavior or even Kimi’s confidences. Easier said than done, I know, but it is the best way to keep yourself sane and mentally healthy.
Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response .
Fearless reporting delivered to you

What do you do when your grown father has an inappropriate relationship with someone your age?

More stories to check out before you go
Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
I am asking lang po about my father, a widower of 14 years. He told me he has a crush on my 15-year old classmate, who is almost the same age as me. Why is he like that?
I can tell from my dad that he thinks it is not just a crush, he really likes my classmate because he always asks about her. Then my classmate told me that my father sends her texts na “nakakakilig” (romantically exciting), love quote messages. My classmate said “ngayun lang daw tumibok ang puso niya” (this is the first time her heart beats so strongly for a man ).
My father’s heart beats for the wrong person. Thanks.
I am not sure one can always dictate who will capture one’s heart and whether the object of these affections is appropriate or not can often, therefore, be a matter of chance. Age, religion, civil status, family background, education, employment can all potentially stand in the way of a relationship. All of this is very much subject to local customs and practices, some of it reduced to law.
For example, in some places cousins can and are often encouraged to marry; elsewhere such unions are illegal. The age at which marriage is permitted also varies significantly, generally between 15 and 18 years old while the age of consent (to sex) also varies widely from age 12 upwards.
Whatever the legal and/or societal restrictions, it seems that in this day and age even with all we know about human development, both physical and emotional, relationshipsbetween men and women remain fraught with problems as is evidenced by even a casual glance at internet advisory columns, contemporary telenovelas etc.
How much more so if one of the protagonists is only 15 years old, not yet a fully developed adult, and experiencing her very first emotional involvement?
There are of course notorious examples of child brides (like 12-year-old girls being married off to 70-year-old men), of people simply flouting local laws (for example former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau, from Washington, United States, spent seven years in prison after “abusing” 12-year-old student Vili Fualaau and having his baby. They went on to enjoy a 12-year marriage and had two children together).
And between 2000 and 2010 nearly 250,000 children, some only 10 years old, were married in the US, according to data compiled by Unchained At Last , a group campaigning to abolish child marriage.
Science suggests that relationships and marriage stand a better chance of success if the parties have a degree of maturity. Custom, religion, the desire to escape poverty or violence take a different view.
Dr Holmes will, doubtless, have something to say on this score.
Thank you very much for your letter.
From Mr Baer’s older-men-having-relationships-with-teens broad perspective, let me go to the very specific circumstances of your three-way relationship.
I include you, not just because you are disturbed, and writing us for advice, about this relationship, but because it is not you who triangulated this relationship . Rather, both your father and your classmate initiated this triangulation and unfortunately, they have chosen you to be the third point in their relationship.
I do not know why they chose you. Your father is the most culpable because he is an adult. He may be unaware of the actual psychological term (parentification), but it does not take a genius to understand that role reversal (where he tell you about his crushes, rather than you telling him about yours; where you worry about his love life, rather than vice versa) can cause problems, as it is already causing you .
He has to learn about the devastating effects parentification can cause or risk your relationship with him floundering. For one, you will never again be comfortable introducing him to your friends, lest he once again responds the way he has to your classmate (let’s call her Kimi).
He also has to learn that, as you say, “(Your) father’s heart beats for the wrong person.”
It beats for the wrong person not because of the huge age gap between him and Kimi. After all, relationships between a 35-year old and a 55-year old have been known to thrive.
It is really because, at 15, you and your classmates are not full-fledged adults yet. This means your prefrontal cortices have not fully developed the way adult brains do (usually by age 25 or so).
Pictures of the brain in action show that adult and teen brains work differently.
Adults think with the prefrontal cortex. It is very likely that you and your classmate’s actions, like other teen brains, are guided more by the emotional and reactive amygdala and less by the thoughtful, logical prefrontal cortex. This is unlike adult behavior which, ideally, your father’s is, where higher cognition, planning, logic, reasoning, and proper social behavior are the responsibility of the prefrontal cortex.
Neither do I know why Kimi – among all the other classmates she could have – chose you to be her confidante.
I doubt it was for any sinister reason – maybe it’s because she hopes you can be their bridge or can tell her things about your dad – but that doesn’t make it less uncomfortable.
Since I am writing to you, I shall stick to what I think you can do. First, you do not have to, unless you really want to, but can try to speak to each of them. But no more than twice each.
Otherwise, you will only be considered a nag or a KJ (kill joy) and have no power to persuade.
Second, and most importantly, you have your own life to live without constantly being distracted by your father’s juvenile behavior or even Kimi’s confidences. Easier said than done, I know, but it is the best way to keep yourself sane and mentally healthy.
Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response .
Fearless reporting delivered to you

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