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I Lost My Virginity to a Straight Boy
There’s a way to burst through the shame gay men are made to feel about homosexuality.
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I was 19 when I first had full-on sex with another man. I was at college, living in dorms, and the experience—aside from the usual horrifying awkwardness and somewhat spontaneity of the occasion—was completely and utterly unremarkable aside from one thing: the guy I slept with identified as straight.
The whole thing went down near the end of my freshman year at a party, at which people from the whole dorm floor were drunk and celebrating, carelessly streaming in and out of each other’s rooms, following the various different pop songs until one room took their fancy. I can remember, although I'd had some drinks, sitting alone in my friend’s room on a single bed, the mattress overly springy and with a coarse plastic coating, attempting to stream a song over our dorm’s spotty Internet connection.
It was late (or early, depending on your outlook on the world) when I was joined by the boy who was living in the room next to mine, way back on the other side of the building. He was clearly intoxicated, but it was a party after all and who was I, quite drunk myself, to judge. The minutiae of exactly how things developed from us being together in that room to us having slightly unsuccessful sex in a bathroom in a different corridor have since escaped me. All I know is that one moment we were talking and the next minute, well... we weren’t. I didn’t tell him that I’d never had sex with someone before; instead, saturated with vodka and inflated by nerves, I was swept up in the motions.
Before that night, I had hardly been a nun. When I was a teenager, I was precocious and restless. As the only out young gay kid at my school, I took the advancement of my sexual experiences into my own hands and I did what we all do: I bought a fake ID and hit the gay clubs. Out on the scene I had thrilling and, now looking back, precarious hook ups with guys, going far but never all the way. I know now as LGBTQ people we can define exactly what constitutes sex for ourselves, but when you’re young and your only sex education comes in the shape of illegally downloaded Sean Cody videos, penetration seems like the end all be all.
Still, as I grew into my late-teens, venues started to crack down harder on underage drinking, and it soon became increasingly difficult to go and hook up with guys much older than myself. I felt, in my increasingly anxious and deflated state, that I was being left behind. My first year at college, apart from being grueling mentally, was hardly a sexual smorgasbord of one-night-stands and hook-ups. Instead, I reverted to my teenage years, pining after straight boys who I knew I had no chance in hell with... until that night.
I’d love to say that I felt empowered by fucking my first guy, but the whole experience left a lot to be desired. While I knew it wouldn’t be like a gay college erotica I’d read on Nifty.org (gay canon, really), I rather naively wasn’t expecting the fall out. The boy told his then-girlfriend (who I knew about), saying I had come on to him but that nothing had really happened. Although one thing I can vividly remember was that it was quite literally the other way around, the visceral shock of being somewhat shoved back in the closet and denied the celebratory expungement of my virginity was palpable.
For the next year, we’d hook-up on and off, usually at 3 a.m. after we’d been out partying. We’d meet surreptitiously in dark and make out in the cold British weather on a park bench before venturing back to his place to have sex. And while at the beginning I felt like I had the upper hand in the situation—I was the one who was out and comfortable in my sexuality, right?—after each time we met became more secretive and more dirty, I began to feel secretive, dirty, and most of all shameful . I’m not sure whether I really fell for the guy or not, but I do know that at the end of it he was just using me to get off.
I never learned whether the boy I lost my virginity to was struggling with his sexuality. I think, when I look back now and occasionally find myself tumbling through his Facebook page, that he wasn’t. I believe it was just sex, or at least that’s what I have tell myself now to avoid slipping into a memory induced k-hole. I realize I fell into that old gay adage of placing my feelings on a person who, for whatever reason, was never going to invest them back in me. Worst of all, though, the shame attached to the memories of those first times marred how I would approach sex for years.
It was listening to Years & Years’ new song “Sanctify,” and seeing the band’s out gay singer Olly Alexander talk about how the song was inspired his sexual trysts with straight men, that I realized that these feelings are way more common than people let on. Sure, I know all about gay guys having sex with straight guys, but it felt reassuring to see him describe the “saint and sinner role” he embodied during those experiences, and to hear the uncertainty and melancholy weaved into the song.
More than anything though, was the repeated lyrical mantra of “I won’t be ashamed.” Because as queer people, we’re buried in lifetime’s worth of shame so vivid and searing that oftentimes it’s crippling. Bursting through that shame is our badge of honor, our beautifully united experience. And maybe, like the song says, that does sanctify our sex lives and makes us just a little bit holy.
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December 15, 2021, 8:23 AM · 3 min read
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SINGAPORE — A 16-year-old boy who was celebrating his birthday with his friends forcibly stripped another 14-year-old boy who had come up to the group to say hello.
The 16-year-old helped restrain the victim and filmed the incident, which came to the victim's school disciplinary master's attention after the video was circulated on social media.
Both the 16-year-old and his 20-year-old male friend, who also helped restrain the boy, admitted to the acts of bullying on Wednesday (15 December). Each pleaded guilty to a charge of molest.
Both were ordered to be assessed for their suitability for probation, and will return to court on 28 January. Probation is a community-based sentencing option that is usually given to young offenders who will not have a criminal record upon completing their term.
Another 16-year-old boy, a friend of the accused persons who had come up with the plan to bully the victim, had earlier pleaded guilty to a count of molest and is awaiting his sentence.
None of the parties can be named to protect the identity of the victim.
On 3 March last year, at about 11pm, the trio, a 14-year-old girl, and an unknown man were celebrating the 16-year-old accused's birthday at a barbecue pit in Yishun.
The victim, who passed by the pit on his e-scooter, approached the group to say hello. Court documents did not state if the victim was acquainted with anyone in the group.
The 16-year-old friend then came up with the idea to pull down the victim’s pants, and his two male friends agreed to join in.
At about 12.45am the next day, the 20-year-old man restrained the victim, pulling him to the ground. He shouted, “faster come and pull his pants”. He undid the victim's belt, and pulled down his pants and underwear.
The 20-year-old then hung the victim's pants on a sheltered walkway and hid the underwear in the bushes. The group ignored the victim's plea for them to stop, and the teen girl recorded the victim with her mobile phone.
While the victim’s lower torso was naked, the group again restrained him and the 20-year-old removed his shirt. The victim managed to break their hold and hid near a bush where it was dark. The 16-year-old accused filmed a second video of the victim having his shirt removed.
The group laughed at the victim and later returned his clothes. The girl forwarded the two videos to the others in her group.
The victim felt angry and asked the group to delete the videos. The 20-year-old man said he would, and promised not to circulate the videos.
However, one of the videos was posted on social media.The victim’s discipline master was informed about the video and he lodged a police report.
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Updated Feb. 09, 2018 12:49PM ET / Published Feb. 09, 2018 10:07AM ET 
A second family is suing a Texas school district, claiming their minor athlete son was raped more than 30 times during sports team events—and the coaches did nothing to stop it.
La Vernia, Texas—population 1,200—has struggled to emerge from a cloud that covered the sports-obsessed town after rape allegations involving its most gifted athletes went public almost one year ago.
Now, a new family has filed a lawsuit against the school district, claiming that a La Vernia coach witnessed and ignored two violent sexual assaults suffered by their son while he was on its basketball team.
The complaint alleges that a boy, listed as John Doe, was sexually assaulted more than 30 times between October 2016 and February 2017 in the La Vernia High School locker room, a shower at the school, during basketball practice, at other schools’ gyms, before and after basketball games, and after team dinners at other families’ homes.
All the while, according to the documents, Doe says he was threatened by teammates between assaults that they were “going to get you.”
In February of last year, a La Vernia student told local police he was sexually assaulted by varsity athletes. Ultimately, police found that the alleged abuse—perpetrated by players on the high school’s baseball, football, and basketball teams—targeted at least 10 victims and spanned more than three years. The full scale of the assaults is not yet publicly known, but it has roiled the tiny town about 30 miles southeast of San Antonio.
(The Texas Rangers and the State Attorney General’s Office have said the investigation is ongoing , but provided few other details.)
Varsity players on all three teams were accused of sodomizing younger teammates with baseball bats, flashlights, and carbon-dioxide tanks. A total of 13 students—six of them legally considered adults—were arrested and charged with either sexual assault or sexual assault of a child.
The suspects facing criminal charges include 17-year-old Alejandro Ibarra, 17-year-old Robert Olivarez Jr., and 18-year-old Dustin Norman. According to arrest affidavits, they stand accused of pushing down a 16-year-old boy on a bed while raping him with the threaded end of a carbon-dioxide tank.
Also charged were 18-year-old Colton Weidner, 18-year-old Christian “Brock” Roberts, and 18-year-old John Rutkowski—all members of the school’s basketball team. According to arrest affidavits, Weidner, Rutkowski, and an unidentified juvenile held down a 15-year-old while Roberts sodomized him with a flashlight.
It is unknown if the John Doe in the most recent lawsuit was a victim of these incidents—or a separate one entirely.
Each of the suspects have denied their involvement in the alleged crimes.
San Antonio Attorney Alfonso Cabanas, who represents Norman, told The Daily Beast on Friday that there is still no sign of indictments for any of the suspects. He said the AG’s office has sent over documents from the investigation, which are still under protective order, for the defense lawyers to review. Cabanas called the investigation “extremely slow.”
The first civil lawsuit lodged against the district was filed in April. It claimed that school coaches “sanctioned these rituals,” that it allowed a culture of hazing to flourish, and that other school officials “turned a blind eye toward the abuse, even after the abuse was reported to them.”
The new lawsuit, filed Jan. 23 in federal court in San Antonio, claims that Doe suffered physically, emotionally, and in academic performance because of the assaults. (The suit indicates that teammates who were accused of raping the student were among those arrested last year.)
In one instance, on Jan. 12, 2017, several teammates held the boy down and raped him with a flashlight, according to the lawsuit.
In another, at the Navarro High School gym on Jan. 20, 2017 , Doe was sexually assaulted with his teammate’s fingers, the suit states. Though the boy says he was “screaming and yelling as loud as he could,” he claims nobody helped him—not his teammates, not the coach.
When he emerged from the gym, the coach was allegedly standing there idly.
“It was clear [the coach] heard the screaming and yelling,” according to the lawsuit. But he “ignored the assault and did nothing.”
That same coach, according to the suit, actually “observed” another assault, where “most” of the basketball team was present.
The coach “walked away and allowed such sexual assault to continue,” the complaint continues. “Despite actual knowledge of the incident, [the coach] conducted no investigation as to the events leading to and occurring during the sexual assault.”
The Daily Beast reported in August, in the course of an investigation into the assaults , that boys who were promoted to the varsity teams told their mothers they refused to shower in the locker room naked, over fears they would be targeted.
In the new lawsuit, John Doe echoes that fear, saying he began “having to shower with his underwear on to help deter and/or prevent future sexual assaults.”
La Vernia mothers told The Daily Beast in April that, according to their sons, once enough pairs of underwear were torn off and stuffed down the drains during the assaults, it clogged the pipes in the school. There were that many, they said.
John Doe’s parents claim the La Vernia Independent School District had a “deliberately indifferent response to multiple events of student-on-student sexual assault and subsequent sex-based harassment.” In doing so, the complaint alleges the school violated Title IX—the federal civil-rights law that protects against discrimination based on sex in education programs or activities.
The boy, according to the suit, suffered “mental anguish and physical impairment” and he is seeking damages to pay for the expenses he’ll incur for counseling and psychological treatment.
The suit states Doe is now attending a school in another district “because of the shame and humiliation created by the sexual harassment,” the suit says.
Gary Patterson, interim superintendent of La Vernia ISD, told The San Antonio Express-News that the district’s board of trustees was briefed on the lawsuit by its lawyers. Patterson took over after former Superintendent Jose Moreno—who came under fire for his han
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