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October 3, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments
Many, if not most, players in the scene know that humiliation and/or degradation can be a part of play. However, some may not realize that there are different types. If you are negotiating this as part of your scene – being specific can be extremely important. First I want to define what these things mean.
Erotic humiliation: “consensual psychological humiliation in order to produce erotic excitement or sexual arousal. This can be for the person being humiliated and demeaned or for the person humiliating, or for some spectator. It may be part of BDSM and other sexual roleplay or accompanied by the sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity. Humiliation is a subjective issue, and is dependent on context. It does not need to be sexual in nature; as with many other sexual activities, it is the feelings that are obtained from the experience that are desired, regardless of the nature of the actual activity. Erotic humiliation can be done verbally and/or physically, and can take place privately or publicly. Some individuals assume an acting role and others prefer to be spoken to in a degrading way. A classic technique that can be used to put the submissive into a bottom mind space is to humiliate them while also providing them with sexual stimulation. Select individuals who desire this form of humiliation also use it to acquire emotional release.” (Wikipedia)
Degradation: “the act or process of damaging or ruining something; the act of treating someone or something poorly and without respect.” (merriam-webster) In BDSM play this can often involve objectification which means acting as if the bottom is an object, like a table, footrest, ashtray, etc.
The two sub-categories I usually use are sexual vs. non-sexual humiliation/degradation. Sexual humiliation and degradation may include calling the bottom things like slut or whore. It can also include speaking to them in a way that suggests promiscuity. “You like it when I make you squirt in front of all these people, don’t you?” or “All you’re good for is being used as a cum dumpster”. (for example)
Non-sexual humiliation/degradation may include calling the bottom things like stupid or fat. Perhaps telling them they were only put on this earth to serve others and get used like a punching bag. Perhaps using their body to rest your feet on or including golden showers (human toilet) as part of your scene. (again, just some examples)
For many bottoms this type of play – just the use of one humiliating word, can trigger them and put them in a bad head space or even end the scene. This is why I think it’s important to be a bit more specific when negotiating this. While one bottom may be fine with “all of the above” when it comes to this type of play, another may only be ok with sexual humiliation/degradation. Another may take this type of play off the table completely. Be mindful that this type of play can include physical aspects, but also goes beyond that to the psychological/emotional. This is not a realm you want to mess around with – especially if the bottom is new or they are a new partner to you as a Top.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink .
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love love love humiliation but its such a complicated subject. people take it for granted
I totally agree that the type of humiliation should be negotiated/discussed. I like suggesting to my dominant the kinds of humiliation that excite and the kinds for which I am not ready. There is a narrow line between erotic and ending play.
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Degradation, or degradation kink, refers to the consensual sexual demeaning and humiliation of one partner by another. It is a form of sadism/masochism that can take place between a dominant and a submissive in BDSM relationships.
The dominant partner can use verbal , psychological or physically degrading acts, such as insults and rough sex to embarrass the submissive. The submissive should be someone who is turned on and derives pleasure from receiving these acts from someone else.
Anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation can be into degradation. Consent is a key element of a degradation scene and relationship. Because the words and actions taken by the top can be offensive in a non-sexual context, agreement and trust are essential to ensure all parties achieve pleasure. All degradation acts are extremely subjective and should be discussed in advance.
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To say that consent is key to a degradation scene is putting it too lightly. To ensure everyone involved is willing and deriving pleasure from degradation play, everyone must talk about limits and boundaries, as well as wants and desires before the scene.
It is very easy for a degradation scene to be taken too far with just one comment or act that can be spur of the moment or unintentional. Degradation scenes require considerable advance planning and clear, understandable safewords that will provide a warning or a full stop to the scene if discomfort happens.
The goal of sexual degradation is to bring an intense feeling of capitulation or surrender to the person being embarrassed and/or humiliated and an intense feeling of authority to the person controlling the submissive.
Some would suggest that those who desire degradation are frequently people in power in other aspects of life. Similarly, those who desire power in sex may not have power in other situations. In reality, dominants and submissives come from all walks of life and it is impossible to generalize.
Verbal degradation often takes the form of insults, including mockery of feelings, insults of body parts and belittlement. Physical examples of degradation including spitting, slapping, hair pulling, spanking, ejaculating on, or urinating on the submissive partner.
Degradation scenes are sometimes carried out in public settings to take the sensations up to another level. Having others witness a degradation scene adds to the power play of the dominant and the humiliation of the submissive.
If the scene is taking place in a public setting, the dominant party may require their sub to remove all of their clothes, demand to be served or even invite others to degrade their sub.
Another key part of sexual degradation happens after the scene. Aftercare is highly recommended for both the dom and sub. The acts in sexual degradation are meant to “hurt” and taking time after the scene, after the players have had a chance to cool down, to discuss what happened is key to ensuring no boundaries were crossed, pleasure was attained and that mutual respect is maintained.
This is particularly important if your scene involves consensual non-consent. A successful dominant/submissive relationship is based on mutual respect.
Some people also move their degradation play into consensual non-consent scenes. In these very specific situations, the submissive - through both defiance and retreat - resists the degradation techniques of the dominant, who then forces more physical acts on the submissive, ignoring objections and refusals.
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