16 Is Sex
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16 Is Sex
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
Posted February 1, 2017
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Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Back in 1970 when I was 20, I fell in love with a wonderful 17-year-old girl. Decades later, we’re still together, with two adult children and a grandson. Anne and I were lucky that we met in Michigan, where the age of consent—the minimum age for legal lovemaking—was 16. Had we lived in any of the dozen states where it’s 18, I might have gone to prison for statutory rape.
If you think this never happens, think again. The FBI estimates that U.S. law enforcement agencies annually process some 15,000 statutory rape complaints. More than 95 percent involve cases like Anne’s and mine, adult men and minor girls. A small proportion involve abuse or assault, but the vast majority of adult-child sexual liaisons are consensual. In some, the under-age girls are the initiators and pursuers. And sometimes the men wind up in prison:
In none of these cases did the girls contact police. It was always their parents.
These examples and many others have persuaded most state legislatures, to amend age-of-consent laws with exceptions. Here’s one that lasted until after World War II. For a statutory rape charge to stick, victims, overwhelmingly young women, had to be “chaste.” If defendants, overwhelmingly men, could produce witnesses swearing that the victims were promiscuous, charges could be dismissed. Mississippi was the last state to repeal this exception—in 1998.
Currently, most states have “close-in-age” exceptions that allow two minors or a minor and an adult to have legal sex (or face misdemeanor charges instead of felonies) if their ages are within four years of each other. Anne and I were three years apart. Had Michigan’s age of consent been 18, this exception would have saved me.
But in most states, there’s an exception to the close-in-age exception. If the older lover is in a position of authority over the younger—teacher-student, coach-player, military officer-recruit, etc.—sex is verboten .
Age-of-consent laws show that society considers some “too young” for sex. But the exceptions—and the exceptions to the exceptions—show how convoluted this issue is.
How old is old enough? The Bible says that sex is legitimate only for procreation. If we embrace the Biblical view, people are “too young” if they can’t produce sperm or eggs.
Boys start making sperm when puberty spurs maturation of the testicles, typically from age 11 to 13. This appears to have been the case for millennia.
However, for girls, procreation-readiness is more complicated. Girls don’t reliably release eggs until a year or two after their first menstrual periods (menarche). In 1800 in the U.S. and Western Europe, that occurred around 16. Since then, for reasons not entirely understood but probably having to do with increased fat consumption, menarche has fallen several years. Today, around 7 percent of American girls begin menstruating by age 11 and more than 90 percent have periods by 14, with median menarche around 12. Given the lag time between first periods and reliable egg release, Biblically speaking, girls today are “too young” until around 13.
But throughout history, religious injunctions have played only a minor role in sexual initiation. The Roman emperor Flavius Gratianus Augustus (A.D. 359-383) decreed that children could legally consent to marriage and, therefore, sex at seven. The first age-of-consent law, the English Statute of Westminster (1275), forbade “ravishing” a maiden with or without her consent if she was under 12.
By the 18th century, the European age of consent was 12 except in France, where it was 11. In 1875, England raised it to 13.
Until the late 1700s, childhood , as we understand it, did not exist. Children were considered “little adults.” They lived in an agricultural world and toiled in the fields beside their parents. And when they fancied one another, canoodled like adults as well.
Compared with today’s children, the little adults of the pre-industrial era witnessed a great deal more real, live sex. I recall my third-grade class going wild when, on the playground, two dogs went at it. But back in Shakespeare’s day, sex among the livestock elicited no giggles. Family survival depended on it, and farm families carefully managed breeding—with children watching and helping.
In addition, the vast majority of people were peasants living in one- or two-room shacks. As John D’Emilio and Estelle B. Freedman relate in Intimate Matters , their classic history of American sexuality , “The small size of most dwellings, just one or two rooms, allowed children to hear or see a good deal of adult sexuality.”
In Romeo and Juliet (1594), she was all of 13. Shakespeare doesn’t specify Romeo’s age, but scholars generally call him 16. Juliet can’t wait to have sex with her beau. “Romeo … leap to these arms … and learn me how to lose a winning match.” That is, by losing my virginity, I win you .
In medieval feudal cultures, a tiny minority of nobles had near-absolute power over their many peasant farm workers. Field work was backbreaking, but in addition, many peasant women also toiled on their backs.
This was droit du seigneur , “the right of the Lord,” the feudal custom that gave the nobility the right to bed “their” peasant women, notably brides on their wedding nights. It’s not clear how often the gentry crashed weddings, but throughout history, rich powerful men have generally claimed subordinate women as their sexual playthings—with legal impunity. In colonial America, an estimated 20 percent of maidservants gave birth to children fathered by their employers, either by rape, or voluntarily to improve women’s social position, or some combination of the two.
During the mid-1700s, England spearheaded the Industrial Revolution, and by the mid-1800s, tens of thousands of peasant farmers had migrated to England’s booming factory cities. Like Oliver Twist, they labored under deplorable conditions that, for many women (and some men) included sex with their employers—rape or voluntarily or mixed circumstances.
During the Industrial Revolution, urban sex work surged and became more visible. Poverty or pimps coerced some women into whoring. Others faced more complex choices. They could slave 12 hours a day in hellish factories for next to nothing while contending with employers’ sexual demands. Or quit factory work for sex work. Prostitution was dangerous and degrading, but to some young women, it was preferable. By the 1870s, English social reformers had become appalled by the extent of child prostitution, especially in London, and began agitating to stop it.
Their efforts gained traction. In 1885, the Pall Mall Gazette , a London tabloid, published one of the most influential exposés of all time, “The Maiden Tribute of Modern Babylon,” an investigation of English child prostitution. The series alleged that myriad virgin girls had become “white slaves,” kidnapped by pimps or sold by desperate, drug-addicted parents, and forced into sex slavery. The allegations popularized the term white slavery and ignited one of the greatest moral panics in history.
The series contained a germ of truth. Some young girls were, indeed, trafficked for sex. But according to scholars of that period, crusaders against white slavery vastly exaggerated their number.
The outcry over white slavery persuaded England to raise its age of consent from 13 to 16. Similar exposés in the U.S. had the same effect. Before the panic, the age of consent in most states was 10 to 12—and in Delaware, 7. Afterward, it rose to 16 or older.
What age do you think it should be?
Michael Castleman, M.A. , is a San Francisco-based journalist. He has written about sexuality for 36 years.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
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Key points
The average age of first intercourse is around 17 years old, with approximately 70% of teenagers having had sex by age 19.
More than 75% of teenage girls report their first sexual experience was with a committed, romantic partner.
A study found that individuals who engaged in sex at a younger age tended to have lower levels of delinquency and better social relationships.
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
Posted June 14, 2010
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Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
The thought of teenagers having sex fills many parents with fears of delinquency and doom. The reasons for these fears are familiar to all of us: STDs, unwanted pregnancy , loss of innocence and heartbreak. The reality is that most teenagers have sex, but it's not that bad! Results from the following five studies on teenage sexual behaviors may help ease some of the fears gripping parents:
It's normal : Having sex as a teenager is a normal part of human development. According to a report from the Guttmacher Institute, the average age of first intercourse is around 17 years old, with approximately 70% of teenagers having had sex by age 19. Despite salacious media reports, today's teenagers are not universally having sex at a very young age. In fact, only about 13% of teens have had sex before they turned 15 years old. This is down from about 20% in 1995.
Relationships matter : Wild rainbow parties seem to be more legend than fact. More than 75% of teenage girls report their first sexual experience was with a committed, romantic partner.
Most use contraceptives : Not only are most sexually active teens in committed relationships, most are taking steps to prevent pregnancy. A high majority (87%) of teens report using contraceptives the last time they had sex. This is a dramatic increase from 1995 when only about 76.5% of teenagers reported using contraceptives. A recent statement from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveals teen birth rates dropped 2% between 2007 and 2008.
Social benefits : Contrary to popular belief, teens who engage in sex at an early age are not destined for a life of delinquency. A large-scale study from the University of Virginia examined 534 adolescent same-sex twin pairs over 7 years. By examining twins , the researchers were able to control for race and socioeconomic factors. The study found that those individuals who engaged in sex at a younger age tended to have lower levels of delinquency and better social relationships in early adulthood than their peers. The researchers hypothesize that romantic relationships (involving sexual intercourse) provide teens with a sense of intimacy that protects them from engaging in delinquent acts such as vandalism, stealing, and selling drugs.
It improves mood: Sex may act to alleviate teen angst. Researchers from Children's Hospital Boston and Harvard University examined adolescent mood over an extended period of time. Adolescents gauged their feelings every three hours on a hand-held computer device and a baseline was determined. The researchers found that adolescents reported a marked improvement in happiness and reduced feelings of stress and anger after sex.
For more information on adolescent sexuality , visit siecus.org .
Kathryn Stamoulis, Ph.D. , is an educational psychologist and licensed mental health counselor specializing in female adolescent development.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
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I don't have a girlfriend. For the moment, it's more about what you do at parties. If you get with a girl at a party, then that gives you more man points, more ego points.
You want people to know what you have done at the weekend – if you've met a girl, if you've kissed – but you want them to know without showing off. With all the communications people use, they will probably find out what you have done without you even having to tell them. For teenage boys, it's all about what girls look like: if I was to kiss a girl who had got a good reputation, someone who does not get around, that would be more highly regarded.
The longest I've been with a girlfriend is two months. I was younger then – it was a year ago. I'd meet her at a park after school, once or twice a week: I wouldn't have said it was love, because we got bored after five or six weeks. I didn't sleep with her – it would probably have to be with someone I actually really like.
I haven't been in love. I think when you are in love, there is a certain feeling that you are not bored seeing someone. I think at our age, people get bored very easily – I don't really want a girlfriend at the moment. Having a girlfriend is more about commitment, and I don't think commitment is widely regarded as a cool thing. Making out with girls at parties is much more what people – boys – aspire to. I don't think it's the same for girls.
In my year group, of my friends who are boys, I'd say about 40% or 50% have had sex. If you get with someone, it means you kissed them, or made out with them – not that you slept with them. Most of the girls I meet are on Facebook, so I wouldn't take her number. I'd find her on Facebook, add her as a friend and contact her like that.
I first started using internet porn a couple of years ago. I'd never buy a porn mag – why would you? It's all free on the computer. It's possible that my parents know I look at it on the computer at home, the one I share with my younger sister. I think they might not want me to look at it, but I'm not sure – we haven't talked about it. They're quite shy about that kind of thing.
When I was 10 and my sister was 11, my mum showed us how to use a condom: she demonstrated using a banana. My parents always wanted to make sure I knew everything I needed to know. They were very open. I remember it being slightly embarrassing, but I'm glad she did it. She wanted to get to us before we refused to listen. It was nice learning slowly – so I didn't panic when I got my first period or started thinking about sex. Last year, a friend of mine didn't know how, so I showed her on a banana.
I've been going out with someone for the past year and eight months – that's a long relationship. I've known him since I was eight and we've been friends for years. He asked me out when I was 16. We'd been on holiday together, and realised that we got on really well.
I had sex for the first time when I was 16. We had been going out for two months and 12 days. I remember it pretty clearly: it was a weird experience, the first time. We'd talked about it first, so I felt I was ready; I felt really comfortable with him. In some ways it was a big deal, in other ways it was not like it changed everything. It was more fun than serious.
I told my friends at school straight away. But people expect you to have sex at 16. I have one friend who has been with someone for a year and not done more than kissed, and people think that's a bit strange. I think most want to get it out of the way when they are 16: you don't want to be abnormal. For guys it matters more – they have to have done it. For girls there is not the same pressure. But on the other hand, people do lie. A lot of people think everyone is having sex and it's not true.
I told my Mum a few months afterwards, when I wanted to go on holiday with my boyfriend. She asked me if I'd had sex with him. She was cool about it, but said she hoped I was using contraceptives. I was like, "Shut up, Mum."
My friends have been panicked a lot about being pregnant. Most are on the pill and they completely freak out if they've forgotten to take it; then they have to buy pregnancy tests. A couple of girls in my sister's year have had children, but none of my friends have.
I know if I had a baby now, it would stop me getting any qualifications and my partner would stop studying and have to go into full-time work. It would stop both of our lives from happening properly. I wouldn't want to have a child at this age. I'd want to wait until I was in my 20s.
I don't want the relationship to end, but if it did, it wouldn't be the end
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