Weird Sex Positions

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Sorry, but reverse cowgirl has got to go.
Sex is supposed to be fun, hot, and enjoyable for all parties involved. Yet there are times when we all want to crawl into a hole and die due to a sex position that may seem very appealing to the person we're sleeping with, but we are most definitely not into.
There have been countless times when I've been in bed with someone and thought to myself, Dear god. When will this be over? There is nothing I hate more than this position. My orgasm is light years away from this erotic encounter. R.I.P., orgasm.
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Every woman has their deal-breaker sex position. For me, it's cowgirl. I cannot get into it. It's overwhelming and simply too much work for me. But give me some good old doggy-style any day of the week; bring in the missionary with a finger vibe. I'm down for *anything* other than cowgirl.
As for the tedious moves others want to see scrubbed from the face of the earth? Look no further. Below, real women expound on which loathed sex positions are their least favorite.
"I cannot even begin to describe how much I loathe this position. Your vagina does not even go in that direction. There is no way I'm having an orgasm when I'm trying not to throw my back out. Also, guys always want me to play with their balls while I'm there. As if I don't have enough to worry about without focusing on your sack? Pass."
"I can't get the rhythm down and also I've gained 40 pounds since moving to NYC, and I could do without my partner seeing my butt and love handles from below. I just ask to watch The Office instead. Just kidding. I give blowjobs. And also I wasn't kidding about The Office thing."
"OMG cowgirl is so boring! I don't get anything out of it at all. It's completely exhausting. How can I have an orgasm when I'm dying and sweating? My partner cares enough about what I want that we rarely ever do it."
"Okay, so lotus isn't THAT bad. It is kind of intimate. What I hate about it is that I can't get off in this position. I feel like I can barely move. Plus, my partner wants to make out the whole time, which I can't get into. I need to focus on myself."
"I kind of like this one, but I can tell my partner is only doing it for me, which takes the fun out of it. I want my husband to be into the sex as much as me and he isn't into lotus. Am I weird?"
"There is not enough clitoral stimulation. I can only come by touching myself. My favorite is sideways or doggy-style (more lying down than on my knees, though). To avoid it, I just get in another position with my butt out."
"I'm not into missionary because I feel like I'm being crushed. I don't know. Maybe the guys I'm sleeping with don't have enough upper body strength. I always feel like I can't breathe. It just isn't for me."
"Every time I spoon with my boyfriend, I feel like we're 80 years old. It's just NOT sexy. I feel like we should save this position for when we're married and have five children to worry about it. It's so lazy. We're young and alive so, let's do doggy style or something."
"I really hate any position that does not involve me not lying on my back or cowgirl. It feels awkward and I end up concentrating on where my legs/arms are vs how it actually feels. When the suggestion to do this position comes up, I say, 'no, let's do this much better thing!' Voila. On my back."
"If I can avoid standing up during sex, I will. I guess I would like to avoid anything that involves moving around a lot, but this position is especially bad. It looks sexy in movies, but in practice, you're two very different heights most of the time. How can you stand up and have sex when a penis is a foot above your vagina?"
"It's awkward and therefore unpleasant! In 69, it's impossible to concentrate on both things (pleasuring and receiving pleasure) at once."
"I'm 5 foot nothing, and tend to get it on with taller guys, which makes this position pretty much impossible most of the time. On the occasions where the guy has been more my height or particularly flexible enough to sit up and execute this, I just find myself getting either distracted by how good what he's doing feels that I stop doing my part, or the opposite happens."
"It makes no sense. I straight up say I'm not going to do it.
"Gag reflex and being squished/can't focus? No, thank you. My partner and I both don't like this position and prefer sex/pleasuring each other in other ways."
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People like to do the deed. Knock boots. Perform the horizontal shuffle. Whatever you want to call it, people have sex. And lots of it. All the time. Everywhere. With all of this lovemaking going on,
By Sean Polvinale Published May 16, 2016
People like to do the deed. Knock boots. Perform the horizontal shuffle. Whatever you want to call it, people have sex. And lots of it. All the time. Everywhere. With all of this lovemaking going on, some people decide to get creative with their positions. We all know missionary, doggy style, and cowgirl. Those are probably the three most common positions. But, let's be honest, those get a bit stale after a while. Some people decide to say, "hey, what would happen if I turned you upside down"? Yeah, aren't humans great? We're so creative... and just plain weird.
Listed below are ten of the weirdest positions known to man. Some of them... I just can't even fathom. Like... well, start reading and you'll see what I mean. Be sure to share the article if you liked it and make your friends feel uncomfortable on their Facebook feeds!
Have you ever raked leaves and decided to break out the trusty wheelbarrow to pile them into? Yeah. Essentially, you're doing the same here. Imagine, if you will, the woman's legs are the wheelbarrow handles. Sometimes, the woman can wrap her legs around the man. Thus, the man would hold onto her hips and not her legs. Either way, the woman has to be sporting some arm strength.
She has to hold herself up off the ground with her hands. When the man does his part, he is essentially pulling the woman's legs back and forth. To make this move a bit easier, you can do it on a bed (and have the woman in a doggy style position). But, you don't get full points for a true wheelbarrow position. Oddly enough, this is probably one of the more tamer positions on the list.
It's summer! Time for baseball games, fireworks, amusement parks... and pool parties! Everyone enjoys a nice dip in the pool to cool off on a scorching summer's day. Better yet, if you have a partner who's feeling a little frisky, you can even get a little naughty in the pool. You know those rafts you just lay on and soak up the sun in? Why not use it?
Have the woman lie on her stomach on the raft. That's really all there is to this move. You probably need to be in shallow water for the man to stand. Otherwise, people drown and it's a tragedy and your family has to say at your funeral that you died trying to make whoopie in a pool. While in the position, the woman can hold onto the raft for security. The man can thrust to his (and her) desire. Except the raft will probably make that weird noise when things grind on it. Oh well. All's well that ends well!
Before you ask, no this doesn't have anything to do with the Ballroom Blitz. This is a completely different type of blitz. Now that we've cleared that up, let's continue on with the Swiss Ball Blitz. If you've ever worked out with a Swiss exercise ball, you probably know where this is going. For those unfamiliar with the Swiss Ball, it's a big, colorful exercise ball. That's it. Not the most crazy thing, I know. The shock is how it's used.
The man sits on it (like sitting in a chair) and the woman gets on top. The craziness comes from the fact that the man has to keep his balance on the ball. Things could get a little out of control with the bouncing and the man could take a tumble (with the woman following closely after). The Swiss Ball Blitz is only for those who love to bounce... and have some great balance.
Since the Randy Raft and the Swiss Ball Blitz both deal with the objects in their name, you may have an idea of where this is going. But, you'd be wrong. What a shameful, dirty mind you have! The Fire Hydrant actually has a lot in common with the Wheelbarrow.
In the Wheelbarrow, the woman is holding herself up off the ground. In the Fire Hydrant position, the girl shifts her weight and, instead of being at a diagonal angle, she is completely upside down. She proceeds to wrap her legs around the man. Then, the love making begins. If you imagine what a fire hydrant looks like, then you'll be able to visualize what I mean. Or just look at the picture above.
Okay. Arm strength is definitely required on the woman's part for this position to be successful. If she's not successful at holding herself up... her head and shoulder is going to be intimate with the ground and not her man. So, for the Pair of Tongs, the woman holds herself up diagonally with one arm... yes, you read that right. ONE ARM. Think Wheelbarrow, but with one hand.
Now, this is where it gets a bit tricky. Pay attention. The woman swings her right leg outside of the man's right side and sticks it straight out. The left leg will remain in between the man's legs. Not on the ground. Both legs in the air (and waving them like she just doesn't care). As the name suggests, think a pair of tongs. The middle of the tongs is the woman's... area. Thrust. Repeat. I know there's a tossed salad reference in here somewhere. I just can't find it.
No, experience on the farm is not required for this position. If you've lived in the city your entire life, you'll still be able to do this move. However, if you're not flexible, then this position might not be suited for you.
In a nutshell, the woman lies on her back. So far, so good. Then, the man takes her legs and raises them up 180 degrees off the ground. Think of a woman doing a leg lift. But, she's lifting her legs almost all the way to her head. This is one of those moves EMT's have probably been called to the house for. A lot of pressure is on the girl's shoulders and neck. So men, please be careful while churning the butter. We don't want her in a neck brace for the next six months.
Out of all the names that people have come up with, the London Bridge is one of the most mind boggling. Why London? I guess I can see the bridge part, but what happens when the London Bridge falls down? Anyway, if you've ever done planks during your workout time, then you'll know exactly how to execute this move. If you're not familiar with planks, one of the planking positions deals with a person holding themselves off the ground with their arms, chest to the sky (think a crab walk).
When the man sits himself in this position, the woman then sits on him and goes to town. The man needs to have exceptional arm strength and endurance. He's not just holding his weight, but he also has to compensate for the woman bouncing up and down on his pelvis while trying to maintain a horizontal plane. You may want to count this as arm day.
Ah yes. Good ol' bumper cars. That fun game that friends and co-workers drag you to and you just know that somebody's going to get mad when someone slams into the back of them and causes them some whiplash. There's nothing better then when a harmless game turns into a day at the ER. But, I digress. Let's delve into this position.
Okay, so imagine two people's butts. Imagine them smacking together. Now, just imagine that when a man and a woman do it... naked. And you have bumper cars! Now, you may be saying, "Wait a minute! Doesn't that mean they aren't facing each other? Does that mean the guy has to... point it between his legs (backwards) while entering her... area?" Why yes! That's exactly what that means! And yes, it's almost impossible! The next time you go to a carnival and you see the bumper cars, now you'll always be reminded of the missionary position gown awry.
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... a couple grinding against each other! The Passion Propeller is one of the most ridiculous things I think I've ever seen in my life. Here's how it works: You see the propeller pictured above? Okay, we all know that propellers spin. That's kind of one of the things that keeps the airplane flying. Now, keep that spinning motion in your head. For this position, the man goes into the missionary position. Great. Nothing hard about that (pun intended). That's... when... the man starts to spin around... like a propeller... while inside her.
No. That's not a typo. The man slowly (I pray to God it's slowly) spins around in a 360 degree circle while keeping his tool inside of her toolbox. Come to think of it, how does he keep any thrusting going? Are there jet engines on this propeller that I don't know about? And how does the man keep his feet from smacking the woman in the face when he's turning around? These are questions that demand answers, people!!!
There have been many things that were once thought impossible. Man walking on the moon in 1969. The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team beating Russia in the "Miracle on Ice". Humans... we have a knack for doing the impossible. And, this position proves it. The best way I can describe it is break-dancing sex. That's really the best description I've got. The name itself says it all.
How it works: The man balances himself on his head (okay, we're already off to a pretty bad start. But, I'll keep going). The woman hops on top of him in a weird, cowgirl position. So, the man's junk has to be pointed backwards (think Bumper Cars). And then... then, the magic happens. The man spins. On his head. He spins to his heart's desire while making love to his girl. If you ever witness such a miracle, I can only imagine it's like seeing a unicorn. Or, seeing Kanye be a decent human being.
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Hello! I earned my B.S. in AYA Integrated Language Arts from Ohio University. I love video games and hope to write a book about them someday. I am a huge Cleveland sports fan, as well as a huge tennis and wrestling fan (WWE). I currently reside in Nashport, OH.
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