winter letters
uusiji[context: Elizabeth spent the night at my place the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. She met my family and I helped her find a replacement for her flat tire. During Thanksgiving, she texted me how appreciative she was of how I had changed certain problematic behaviours that I had and how it made her feel more comfortable and loving towards me and thanked me for being patient and understanding towards her.
The Saturday after Thanksgiving, she texted me that we should break up and she wasn't changing her mind. She said she doesn't think I see her as an equal, that I forget the small things, that I sexualize women, and that she feels like we don't know each other well enough after dating for three months. It was devastating.
Previously in the relationship, she had tried to breakup with me twice because she thought that I was using her for sex. I convinced her otherwise, and she said that her roommates (Sun, Moon, and Scrote) had pressured her to break up with me, and that she regretted listening to them because they barely know me.
The breakup was devastating because she has anxiety, depression, and PCOS, she had a psychotic break during the winter of the previous year where she thought she was living in the simulation of a dark god, and her roommates have always disliked me because she would vent to them about our problems instead of being direct with me. I didn't know whether I needed to be there to support and help her or if I was really just a piece of shit boyfriend.
I never intended for her to read this letters, they were meant to be a journaling mechanism. I have not edited them except for spelling errors and to add context, they exist as primary documents now. As you will read, I had an mental break that resulted in giving her the letters and attempting suicide. oops.]
Elizabeth
if youre receiving this, things haven’t ended how I wanted them to. reading back through these letters, i realize some of them are kind of mean and make me sound like an asshole. sometimes i wanted to be an asshole, but most of the time that wasn’t my intention, and maybe that means i am an asshole. i probably am, but you also have something wrong with you. i thought i loved that. i wish we could’ve talked through our feelings. i care so much. but i had all of these things to say and i cant leave them unsaid. goodbye
Uusiji
11/26/23
Elizabeth,
I still don't know what I did wrong. I don't know how I could've made you feel more like an "equal". I thought we were partners. I never told you this, but before we started dating I was talking to another girl. She was also funny and attractive like you, but I decided that I wanted you. You're smarter and a better person than her, and I wanted to be with you because I thought you would challenge me to improve myself and to grow with you. I don't view this other girl as my equal. You were my equal, maybe even above me, and I don't know how I failed to communicate that.
[in retrospect this isn't flattering at all, but this was one day after being broken up with. i was grasping at straws and sanity, so i wrote this down. obviously no one should ever tell someone this, it is not a very compelling argument. i was trying illustrate that i chose her and was committed to her over everything else, and this was the subpar example i came up with to demonstrate how I've valued her since the beginning. and for the record, this other girl is very attractive and funny, but i still believe that she wouldn't have challenged me to grow in the way Elizabeth could have.]
I don't know how you wanted to "know me better". We've known each other for three months and I feel like I know you better than some family members. Maybe I'm just naturally withdrawn. I don't know what more you wanted from me in three short months during the busiest semester I've ever had. There were moments I felt like our souls were touching, as if I had pressed some opaque glass up to my eye and glimpsed what was inside. I guess that wasn't real. I don't know if you ever loved me, because if you did you could've talked to me about this instead of blindsiding me and leaving me gasping on the floor.
You're right about my sexualization of women. That's something I'm not proud of and something I've wanted to change before I even knew you.
[i disagree with this point now, i think i was conceding this point because i feel insecure about this, but i think i know myself better now.]
You weren't perfect either. I cherished your imperfections. They made me feel like maybe I was closer to you, like I could be your equal.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I want my feelings back. I gave more of myself to you than I've ever given anyone, and to hear you say it wasn't enough is too much. I want to forget this ever happened, but you're seared into me, and I can't figure out how to excise you as you metastisize across my brain.
I'm giving your stuff back. I want mine. I'm going to bleach and steam and scrub and wash and dry and fold and sweep and vacuum and mop and delete until there's no trace of you other than the occasional hair I'll find in my bed or carpet or clothing or shower which will send me over the edge again, because I'd rather do all of that than fight for someone who thinks that the closest I've ever been to another human's brain wasn't a valid attempt at love.
[i did not end up giving her stuff back until we met two weeks later.]
[On 12/12/23, we met to discuss the breakup. During the two weeks between the breakup and the talk, she made several Spotify playlists about how she was sorry for hurting me, and I woke up on more than one occasion to an unsent message notification that came around 1am. This was also finals week, and I was wrapping up my 6 classes accompanied by 2 jobs and the ever-looming career search in a shit economy. Hours before we were supposed to meet in either her or my apartment, she said she felt unsafe and requested to meet in public, and that she could only talk for one hour. It was 35 degrees outside. I convinced her to meet in an empty hallway in the basement of a library. When we met, I was already crying. During our meeting, we discussed the criticisms she had that I detail in the following letter. She said that I shouldn't change myself to be in a relationship with her. She also said that she almost went back on her decision multiple times, and that her mother gave her the horrible advice of trying to get back with me. I gave her all of her stuff back, along with her favorite book that I had secretly read and taken notes on to surprise her and the love notes that she had written me. Afterwards, we got disgusting pizza which neither of us finished, and I walked her all the way home, leaving myself to walk a mile back in the dark and frost biting cold.]
12/12/23
why you left:
i don't care about you except when you're physically here
this isn't true. i understand why you feel this way though. i looked back through our texts too feel loved again. it only hurt. i saw how much you appreciated me, and how often i missed the mark on responding. i have excuses, such as this being the most stressful semester of my life, but i know they're not enough. Elizabeth, believe me from the bottom most pit of my stomach and from the front to back of my skull and the blood pumping through my veins and heart and the air that courses through my lungs and throat: i love you. you are the thing i care about most in this world. i want to take care of you when you're sick, to comfort you when others hurt you, to empower and energize you when you're well. i want to grow up and mature with you, to travel and experience the world with you. i want to father your kids, i don't care if we adopt. i truly meant it when i said that this breakup has been the most devastating and painful experience in my life. its as if my best friend died. you are my best friend. i am obsessed with every fucking piece of your being. i changed my courses for the next semester and i was looking for jobs in charlottesville to be able to stay with you after i graduate. i am sorry i ever made you feel like this, please forgive me.
i sexualize women too much
i admit completely to this one. i have a history of porn addiction, and this has left me with weird blobs of shit in my brain. i am improving though, and you were helping me. you have helped me see women in a more realistic light, and i thank you a million times for that. even if we never work out, i will at least have you to thank for improving me.
[a note: during our relationship, i didn't watch porn. i wanted to be pure and good for her, so i was able to motivate myself to not indulge. this was never an issue in our relationship.]
you feel small around me
i don't know how to fix this. i don't think i can. i guess that this is something that you have to fix in yourself. i know that you've been through a lot. being a human is hard, being a woman is difficult, and going through the things you've gone through must've been awful. i want to be the person to help you grow stronger, but i understand that i might not be able to. i'll never forgive myself for that.
i only care about my feelings
this is not true at all. i would stick my hand in a fire for you Elizabeth. i would redecorate my apartment for you. i would go to whatever restaurant you wanted. sometimes it doesn't seem this way, but that's because i don't want you to see me as a doormat and i want to be respected by you. you make me spineless sometimes because i love you and want the best for you, and i guess i resent it a little bit. i'm going to work on that.
things i want to critique about you:
you can't grow in this relationship
every relationship has growth. i wished you communicated more about how you were feeling instead of demolishing everything in one big explosion. relationships, in my opinion, are all about growth. if you were as honest with me as i was with you about my feelings, i could've accommodated you and helped you grow. to prove that there is truly no boundary on what you could say to me, i will now tell you something i've never told another soul in my entire life, or even written down for that matter: [extremely personal and traumatic detail]. i love you, so i am trusting that you won't tell anyone else. i'm telling you this because i want you to know that you can trust me with your feelings, and that i will never hurt you. please talk to me.
your views on sex
i don't want this to come off as me psychoanalyzing you, but from my perspective, i think you have a warped view of sex because of how your mother treated you. [probably not a great idea to bring up her mother, but what she did was borderline abusive in my opinion] sex is meant to be celebrated, and when i make love to you, it is not meaningless. when we shared our bodies and connect physically, there is something occurring that is beyond what any words can represent. i understand that people have used you for sex in the past and that you are scared of it happening again. when you say that you think i objectify you, it makes me feel like you don't appreciate the love i'm trying to give you sexually. i want to be sensitive to you, but i also want you to be sensitive to the fact that my sex means something to me.
12/13/23
Elizabeth,
its hard not to stalk you [context: online] when i love you this much. forgive me, but i check in to see what you listen to on spotify. i don't want to listen to music because it hurts, but i want to know you, so that's why i did it.
you can imagine my hurt when i went to look and found you listening to a playlist called "*quasi*" that was shared with Scrote and Moon. it fucking rips into my core that i dumped my heart out to you last night, and the first thing you did once you got rid of me was tell your friends that i used the prefix "quasi" in a weird way. maybe you felt like i was looking down on you. i wasn't. when i questioned you questioning my usage, i wasn't assuming that you were stupid and i was smart, you had made me doubt myself. i think you are so smart, you are a poet and a fantastic writer, i would never doubt you for a second.
why would you do this? why would you console me all night, telling me i'm a good person, explaining why this couldn't work all while being so nice, just to go home and not only shit on me with your friends but make a whole public playlist mocking my speech? i love you Elizabeth, but between this and the tinder photo, i don't know if you even respect me.
[for context, Elizabeth made a tinder profile using a photo i took of us making pancakes and listed out things that we did and personality traits i had under what she was looking for. my friend found it and showed it to me; i was still madly in love with her and getting on tinder had not even crossed my mind]
i know its on me for looking, which is why i'm not going to call you about this right now. maybe i'm reading too much into this. maybe i'm going crazy. its so hard to keep going on. i want to kill myself everyday and the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that one day i'll become a better man and we'll be together. i know how that sounds. but i truly love you. i didn't believe in true love or soul mates before all this, i was cynical and full of hate. i thought it was all chemicals, and anyone can love anyone. i've changed my mind on this.
there is no one who i'd rather spend my life with other than you. i don't care if you get ovarian cancer and die and leave me widowed and broken, i don't care if you can't bear children, i don't care if we have to adopt. i want you, and only you, and it was a privilege to feel your love for a semester, and even after all the cells in my body are recycled and i become a whole new person i won't stop loving you.
i'm sorry it took you breaking up with me to make me figure out how to articulate how i feel, i truly am. please forgive me. let me be in your life.
-Uusiji
12/14/23
Hey Elizabeth
The other day that when I said I wouldn’t ask to get back together out of respect for you. I realized that I was full of shit, and that if I respected you, then I would know that you are perfectly capable of hearing whatever I have to say and making your own decision. You were right, I am selfish with my feelings. I didn’t fight for you because I didn’t want to hurt or feel rejection anymore. What I say now comes from selflessness and strength.
I keep having these dreams that I wake up crying from because I realize, once I’m awake, that you’re not in them. It scares me to know that everything will turn out okay without you in my life. So out of respect for you, and me, and us, I’m dropping my guard and completely surrendering myself.
I used to not believe in love, I was cynical and I didn’t believe in magic. But after a lot of thought, I see that its not my dick, or some anxious codependency, or fucking chemicals in my brain, its real true love. I’ve realized that love is not a happy feeling all the time, it’s service and dedication and a continuing quest in trying to know someone. I know that I love you because I was changing and becoming a better person when I was with you, not for you but for the world. I love you in a way that I don’t care that you might die of ovarian cancer one day and leave me completely broken, I don’t care that we might have to adopt because I’ve realized that’s actually the most noble thing to do, I wouldn’t need to have money to be happy with you. I love you in a way that I would say all of this to you knowing you might very well strike me down.
Please give this a second chance. I’m genuinely interested in every piece of you, even the parts that might scare or disgust me. This last semester was the most stressful period in my life, but the next one will be different. I swear to you that I’ll be a better partner on my life, and that I won’t let you down. I know that you said you feel like you can’t grow in this relationship, and I’m begging you to try, because you have no idea how much work I’m willing to put into us. I know you said you feel small when you’re with me, and I can’t pretend like I know how to help, but I’m going to give it my all.
So there it is, that’s my heart and lungs and stomach and kidneys and liver and intestines. I understand if you’re not ready right now, or if you’ll never be ready. That’s everything I needed you to hear. I love you, Elizabeth.
Uusiji
12/15/23
Elizabeth
I gotta make this one short because I'm leaving to go home soon, but I just wanted to note that the healing process is underway. I miss you, a fuck load, but I'm no longer too sad to move. I think writing these things has helped a lot. I'm beginning to see the flaws in our relationship, but also its strong points.
I'm going to be honest: I still want to be with you. I think that we're extremely scarily beautifully compatible. I think that we are I still think about spending the rest of my life with you and how amazing we could be together. But I see that there's some growing we need to do before we continue along this path.
I want to start with you, mainly because I've been kicking the shit out of myself and demonizing my actions. The way you broke things off was immature. I don't think you fully understand why you did it still. Had you been more mature, you would've come and talked to me about the way you were feeling and not needed a two-day revelation of hanging out with your family to understand that something was off. I still believe that this problem was talkable, but I can't change the past and I can only move forward.
The way that you said I was selfish and only cared about my feelings really hurt. Elizabeth, I care about my feelings because they're mine. When you sprung this breakup on me, it felt like getting stabbed everywhere at once. What was I supposed to do, try to talk to the person who said they don't want to be with me anymore? Do you see how society has conditioned me to not do that, to respect your decision, and to try to find how it was my fault and that my actions are to blame? Telling me that I was selfish for being hurt is a slap in the face.
One more thing that I'd like to bring up is your views on sex, and how I don't think you understand how I view sex. I think sex is romantic and special and creates a covenant between people and communicates an unspeakable part of love. When I have sex with you, its not for my benefit. I like having sex. I like cumming. I wouldn't want to do these things in the way that I did if I didn't truly love you. I'm going to step onto a soapbox and wax about things that I have no actual research on now: I think that, in general, society teaches women that sex is not valuable or meaningful. I understand why. There are a lot of men who fuck no differently than if they're masturbating; they are truly alone when they cum. But I would like you to try and understand how I believe that sex is valuable and meaningful and an integral part of love. It's not the entirety of love, its only one face of it, but it is a core part of it.
Now here are some things I'd like to confess to. I'm also immature. I should've been more responsive to your texts and reciprocated your written love. I tend to neglect things like this, so I'm sorry for that. My goal is to be better about matching your energy and reciprocating, and being honest with you when I can't.
I also didn't have any self-control in our relationship. Here is where I walk back and qualify some of the sex talk I made earlier. We had a lot of sex. Too much, sometimes. I recognize how that made you feel, and I wanted to be more sensitive to that fact. It's hard to not have sex with you, because I love you and you love me and we're both young and very horny. I never wanted to say no to sex because I never wanted you to feel like I wasn't attracted to you and make you feel anxious or self-conscious or second-guess my motives for not wanting to have sex.
Going forward, I want to set goals in our relationship. I want it to feel more adult and mature, which means going on real dates to real places. I want to experience the world and discover new things with you, and while I love vegging out on the couch or your bed and cuddling and making love and watching movies, I've realized I want to do more with you. I want to have a relationship we can both grow in, where we support each others growth and encourage each other to be better and reach higher. I don't want our relationship to be stressful and make you feel like you always need to impress me, but I want us to be a force for the world to reckon with.
I know that my self-criticisms seem really short in this letter, but I feel as though I've been very self-pitiful in the last few letters, and I wanted a break from it. We both have things to work on, and being apart will be good for us. I plan to see a therapist, go back to the gym, and really put an effort into finding a job. I don't know what you will do, but I hope you find as much direction and motivation and reflection as I will. I still love you, and I'm going to love myself now in order to build a better me. Maybe the better me will help build a better us.
Uusiji
12/20/23
hey Elizabeth
I've been beating myself up today a lot over you. I feel like a pussy. I'm mad at me for not fighting for you harder. I'm not sure about this idea, but if a relationship is a team effort, then me arguing for us to stay together would've been my responsibility as a partner. I don't know if that's valid. I feel lost. I don't mean to demean you, but I'm not sure if you fully believed in breaking up with me. I feel like we could've talked things out, but now I'm here trying not to contact you until next semester so that space is created for us to heal. I don't know if that will work at all. I'm worried that will just let our love turn cold and make you forget about me. If you do, then I guess its really over and I get to stop caring. If you really wanted me to stop caring about you, then you should've hurt me more, because my love is still strong. I question whether its obsession, but then again, is this not an aspect of love? I'm also beginning to hate the english language's concept of love. How can one word mean so much? I'd say we need more words to break it down and prevent miscommunication, but maybe this would remove the magic from it.
My friends are beginning to not like you, I think its because of all my moaning. I oscillate between intensely defending you and thinking they may have a point. My sister thinks I deserve more, my roommates think you are delusional, and [person], my ex-hookup-turned-friend and [best friend]'s ex, thinks you are immature and can't communicate. I see their points, but I also realize they don't get to see the beauty and love I experienced with you, and they're only getting to see my tears and blood as I slowly exsanguinate my heart through conversation. I want to take their criticisms with a grain of salt, due to their sampling bias of my depression, and use it to build something better with you. If you don't want to though, I guess it will just be part of a secret foundation for my next (probably tragic) attempt at love, only to be dug up be some poor soul who doesn't realize their house is built on someone elses bones. Then again, isn't that what the human experience is?
I got a little pretentious in the last few sentences there. It's two in the morning, I miss you, I'm sad. I'm going to go to sleep now so that I can do my best at the dentist tomorrow. Gotta impress them.
Uusiji
12/24/23
Elizabeth,
I don't know what to do. I literally haven't gone an hour since you broke up with me without thinking about you. Your smile. Your laugh. Us. I hate it here.
I don't know what you want. Do you want me to chase you and grovel? Maybe I should. I don't care about my pride at this point, I just want to be together again. The tinder profile, the playlists, "make your case", all of these seem like you might want me to make the move.
But on the flip side. The tinder profile, the *quasi* playlist, "selfish for feeling bad". Maybe you want me to suffer. I don't think you do. I want to believe you love me, but maybe its only because I love you.
Why would you do all of this? Not to condescend and psychoanalyze you, but one theory I have is that you did this on a whim, an anxiety-ridden whim, and you haven't taken it back because if you did then you would feel stupid and wrong and guilty. That's fucking selfish, and if that's the case, I need an apology. Maybe its not the case. I don't know.
I don't know what to do. Should I text you on Christmas? Should I text you on New Years? Should I do what my mother told me and send flowers to your house in Jersey? I found the address the other day, your voter records are public. You were right, our families are different. Mine seems to host their entire history online, and yours is practically a ghost. You never told me your mother's last name, so that was a little bit difficult. [i wrote down her actual fucking address. wtf dude. hey reader: don't fucking do this.]. Beautiful neighborhood, lush foliage and a fantastic lake. I don't actually know because I've never been. I want to go there, I want you to take me there.
I don't know what I'm doing. I love you. Fuck you. I love you. Fuck you. I love you. Fuck you, I love you, fuck.
Uusiji
12/26/23
Hey Elizabeth,
I'm just writing because I've done a lot of reflection over the past few weeks and I've talked to a lot of people about myself and love in general, and I realize I owe you a few apologies.
I'm sorry for giving back your notes and gifts, I wasn't thinking about how that might make you feel. I was hurting, and I felt like holding on to them was hurting me, but it was selfish of me to just give them back to you. After reflecting on it a lot, I realize how that was kind of self-centered and hurtful. I didn't intend for that to be mean in any way, and I'm sorry for doing that. I'm sorry for being selfish in that way.
I'm also sorry for how I treated you. I didn't realize it during our time together, but I was leaning on you a lot for emotional support without reciprocating very well. I was kind in survival mode all semester, and I realize that's not an excuse for not being there, but I want you to know that I cared about you deeply. I understand why you thought I didn't care about you when I wasn't physically present. I've talked to a lot of people, and I've reflected a lot, and I realize that that's a problem that I have and I'm working on it now. So I'm sorry for that.
I never wanted to come off as clingy, but I'm realizing now that the behaviour I thought of as being clingy is normal to feel during a relationship. I thought that asking really personal questions was wrong and invasive, and I was wrong. So I'm sorry for that too.
That's all I had to say, I just really had to get those off my chest.
12/27/23
Elizabeth
i think youre more in the wrong
i think im not innocent
but you are immature
we had a partnership and you ended it without seeing if it could be fixed
i would've done anything for you
i would still do anything thing if you let me back in
and i hate myself for that
and i hate you for that
and i still love you
i was bad at being a boyfriend
but you betrayed me so hard
you are a bad friend for doing this to me
im not selfish for feeling pain
you truly hurt me worse than anything ive ever felt
and youve made me feel more loved than ive ever felt
and i hate you for that
and i still love you
Uusiji
12/28/23
Elizabeth.
[context: i started taking lexapro, got very very emotional, and texted her a big long apology, followed by asking for her notes back. when she broke up with me, i gave her back all the little tokens of her love because i thought that it would make me feel better.]
I've realized that you don't care. I actually understand it now. I think I will still hurt for a while, but I'm ready to move on now. You don't give a fuck, message received. When you refused to give the notes back, I got it. All this time I've been thinking about you and us and how you feel, and after you said no that quickly, I realize that you haven't thought about how I felt at all. I didn't want the notes back because I wanted to prolong this, I wanted them back as proof that I am lovable and that something happened. I regret giving the notes back, and I wanted them. I know that you still have mine, and that you'll keep them for a while. Maybe you'll look at them when you feel low as a way to boost your ego. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just upset that you're denying me the same luxury. After you blocked my spotify, it just added to the fact that you're immature and you don't know how to deal with this.
I think if I had to pick the most problematic moment in our relationship, it would be the taco-shits time. You had eaten mexican food, had to take a violent shit, and rather than let me stay and support you, you made me leave. Looking back, that's kind of nuts. I had literally eaten your ass and sucked your toes and peed in the shower with you, but that's where you drew the line? You didn't trust me to support you in your moment of crisis. That hurt, but I now see that you weren't capable of communicating your needs and trusting me.
[i think i thought this sounded funnier when i first wrote it. this isn't a fetish, i'm just trying to be funny. while taking a massive shit isn't really a crisis, it's kind of weird to kick someone out of your house to do so.]
Another thing I want to address is how you said I sexualize women and that women are just people too. I thought about this a lot. I questioned how I see women. I've come to the realization that I think that men and women are fundamentally different, and that the beauty of dating someone of the opposite sex is bridging this divide. I don't sexualize women. I sexualize people. I think most people are driven by sex on some level because that's what we are biologically inclined to do. I am a sexual being, and I'm tired of feeling shameful for liking sex or thinking that sex is more than fun. I think that sex is fundamental to our lives, in the same way that eating or exercising is, and that to deny this is to deny human nature.
One thing that bothers me is how insecure you are about your major. I stalked you [context: online] when we first met, and in high school, you said that you wanted to study neuroscience. Later, you told me you wanted to study astrophysics. You seemed very bummed out that you were now studying psychology and russian. Elizabeth, there is nothing wrong with studying psychology. You need to be more confident in this.
Not to condescend to you, but I feel like you may have broken up with me because you had a mental crisis. My mother, in her kindness, came to me and said that she thinks that the reason you felt small may have nothing to do with me, but rather the way you felt, which was anxious and maybe depressed. You weren't sure about me because I wasn't showing the affection that you needed, and rather than try to work it out, you pushed me away. You said you almost went back on it multiple times. If you don't have the capacity to admit that you were wrong, then you're not man enough for me. If you don't have the capacity to reach out when you're in need and your reaction is just to push me away, then you're not man enough for me.
Maybe we'll meet later this semester and maybe we'll hit it off again. We're very compatible, it wouldn't be that crazy. If we did, though, I would need an apology for you. The way you broke up with me, with the unsending texts and the spotify playlists and the calling me selfish for feeling hurt, that was much worse than what I did. I don't know if you know what you want, but I want someone thats ready to be more vulnerable and communicative. I wish you were that with all my soul, but I can't make it reality.
I'm going to stop writing these letters now. I'm going to zip them up with the photos and videos and recordings, forget about them, and move forward. I have better things to do that yearn over someone that doesn't care how they hurt me.
previously yours forever,
Uusiji
12/29/23
Elizabeth
yesterday was maybe the worst of it. i screamed in my car for an hour about how i wanted to kill myself. i recorded it for the world's pleasure. i think it may have been a bad reaction to the lexapro, i kept waking up at 4am and i'm doing better now i'm off it.
[context: i screamed in my car for a lot longer than an hour, i think i spent the entire day in there. i remember sitting in my bed later that night, unable to fall asleep, and the only thing that prevented me from getting up and climbing into the bath tub and slitting my wrists was how bad my back hurt]
i love you. i don't want to die. i see you blocked me on spotify, i guess that's something. i have an alt account, i'm watching what you listen to. you seem so sad, why are you listening to such sad music? you were the one who broke up with me? are you okay? i love you. i see you also unfollowed me on instagram, but you didn't block me there. why? what are you afraid of?
you've done a lot of damage to me. its partially my fault for putting all my emotional eggs in one basket, but your behavior is still pretty rude. i feel like you wanted me to fight for you, but you keep pushing me away.
i know i was mean in my last letter. i just feel very hurt, and the lexapro isn't helping. i shouldn't have asked for the notes back, that was weird no matter what my reasoning was. i hope you understand. i know i said i was going to stop writing letters. its very hard not to.
i'm going to try and get through to you next semester. i'm going to keep going to therapy and work on my problems. i'm trying to quit porn, but [my hometown] is so lonely and there's nothing to do here, so i'm doing that instead of drinking. is psychological damage worse than liver? idk. i want to work on loving myself more. through loving you, i found an outlet to love myself. with you gone, i'm forced to find a new way to do that.
i forgot how bad life was before you came along. it was lonely and meaningless. did you feel the same way? you seem unsatisfied with life too. were you not able to find yourself in me? or were you not even trying, because you were too afraid of becoming as dependent as i am? i want you back so much, but i think the only way you would come back is if i could stand on my own.
one day, i'm going to "accidently" run into you. i think love requires a little bit of stalking, a tiny amount to show that you care. [context: do not fucking do this. when i say stalking, i mean talking to their friends or looking at their social media. do NOT physically stalk someone.] i'm going to tell you how i'm doing, how life is. i'm going to ask you about how you're doing, because i'm genuinely interested. then i'm going to suggest that we try again. i will have changed, i will know how to act in a relationship more, i will be less stressed, and this time will be different.
if you say yes, then it will be different. i will cherish you, i will dig into your soul, i will make a home there again, i will make room in my soul for you too. i'll put a mat out in front of my heart so you can wipe your boots, i'll vacuum the carpet and spray perfume, i'll treat you not like a guest but like someone who's lived there all their life. i've never loved anyone more in my life, i've never wanted anybody in my life more. i will leave you little notes everywhere you go, i'll cook you organic food to fuel you, i'll show you how to deadlift, i'll rub the stress out of your back, i'll read your books and show you my movies, i'll listen to you play guitar and recite poetry, i'll play piano for you and sing without tone, i'll scratch the back of your head where the hair gives way to neck, i'll be both your anchor and your sails, and i'll listen and learn how to do more. that's what i'm prepared to do.
if you say no, i'm going to give you these letters. i'm going to ask you the real reason you broke up with me, because the reasons you gave aren't strong enough, in both my opinion and everyone i've talked to, including my therapist. if they are the real reasons, then i think that you might be really sick and i'm better off without you. i feel like you've lied to me to be nice, but all you've done is told me issues that are solvable. if the reason was that you don't love me or find me attractive, then i would understand. those are unsolvable problems. but if your real reason was something we could've worked through, then Elizabeth, you're not well or mature or ready for a real relationship.
i want to marry you someday, because i see beauty in your mind and kindess in your heart. i know that sounds crazy after only dating for three months, but i think i'm smart enough to know. i want to understand every part of what makes you tick, what makes you laugh, cry, smile, scream, yearn. i want to have kids with you, and to love them even more than you. i want to grow up with you, to grow old with you. if that's what you want, then take it. you deserve what you want, Elizabeth. i hope we want the same things. it's never too late.
Uusiji
12/30/23
Elizabeth
you seem so sad. you seem like you might hate yourself. i want to be there for you, to show you your own value, but you pushed me away. it makes me sad that you're sad. you made me happy. i want to do the same for you. i think that we would be a force for the world to reckon with if we tried again.
i've been doing better. i've decided to stop wallowing in sadness and do things that improve me. i'm applying for jobs, i'm going to the gym, i'm even going to apply to grad school here. i want to love myself. maybe if i can do that, i'll find a way to love you better.
i figured out why i love you. i can talk to you like i'm a kid again. i can get excited with you, and through you feel true joy. i guess we need to find the balance between feeling like kids and acting like adults.
i'll always want the best for you.
Uusiji
12/31/23
Elizabeth
happy new years eve. i just travels all the way across the country to colorado, only for the place i'm staying in to have a lord of the rings blue ray box set. everything reminds me of you. i still haven't gone an hour without thinking of you. your grin. your massive pouty eyes. the way you seem so awkward and shy but confident at the same time. goddammit.
i need to forget you. i need to become more detached, so that when i see you again, i won't seem so sad and obsessed. because i am obsessed. i want the world for you, because you are my world. i can barely eat still. i guess i could either try to hate you, or i could pretend we're just taking a break. both would be delusional. i'm in so much pain all the time, i constantly want to cry but i can't because my parents will scold me and tell me to get over it. i am filled with the constant mortal fear that i lost the woman of my dreams and that i won't be able to get her back.
how are you doing? do you feel the same way? when we met and talked, i don't think you cried once. i don't know what to think of that, the thoughts that spiral from that are too upsetting. were you truly that unhappy with me? why didn't you say anything?
i need to know: how are you doing now?
Uusiji
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