uuuuhhhhhh wtf

After my attempt, I felt slightly psychotic. I had a moment where I thought my ex and I were the only people that existed and that some evil force had forced us apart. I recovered from this after a week because I realized that's both fucking stupid and not a mindset that will help me in any way.

But I'm feeling a little weird right now. I've been a massive fan of Bo Burnham since high school, and since my attempt I've been going through old art that I've consumed to make myself feel better. I was looking into Bo Burnham again, and my brain fell out of my skull when I read that six years ago, he announced that he would kill himself on 1/17/2024, the same day as my attempt. What the actual fuck. I'm feeling a little out of it after reading that; it's just such a massive coincidence. I have to believe it's a conicidence, because any other line of thinking will throw me off the rails.

I think my new favorite friend is this girl I used to take CS classes with. She dropped out last year without saying anything, but I recently reached out because I always thought she was cool. Turns out she dropped out because she tried to kill herself, and now she's a delivery driver and taking classes online. She's super gay, hates bi people, is a terf, and self identifies as a femcel. She's my new hero, I think she's fantastic. She's been encouraging me to hate my ex, but I don't know how to do that. She says that I can't blame my ex's behaviour on her mental illness because diagnoses only explain behaviour, not excuse it. I wish I confronted Elizabeth more and forced her to show her ugly side, then it would be easier to see her for who she is.

On a side note, my ex had me blocked on everything, but last night I saw that she unblocked me on spotify. I don't know why. This morning, I checked back and now she has me blocked again. What the fuck. Why is she being so fucking weird. Obviously I'm insane, I tried to kill myself over her, so why is she continuing to fuck with me and be involved? Why does she want me at the border of her life, not out of it but not any closer? Fuck her.

Anyways I'm on a trip with my singing club right now. We're touring the south which should be interesting. I've never been to the American south before. They have a points system tied to sexual accomplishments and unlawful behaviour. It's very boys-club. I'm not a fan of promiscuity, I think that sex is supposed to be special, but so far that line of thinking has only gotten me hurt. Maybe I will just be a whore this week. Maybe exploiting other people will help me feel better. Maybe I should stop being so empathetic and emotional, and just do what I want. I don't know.