trust issues

feeling really insecure right now. I had therapy last week, and after telling this woman all of my problems, she basically agreed with me and said, "hmm yeah that sucks". Not really, but something to that effect. Fuck. That's really not what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to tell me that I've been doing everything all wrong, that there's some fundamentally incorrect approach to life I've been taking, but so far it doesn't seem that way. I wish there was something obvious to fix inside of me. I'm not asking for an easy problem, I'm just asking for someone to help identify it.

Also, I've given more thought to what I want in a partner. I want someone who believes in my potential and pushes me to get there. I want someone to depend on my success, to be my responsibility. That sounds nice to me in a weird way. I wonder if people like that exist, or if that's only in fairy tales. I want someone who believes in me. I don't know if I'll even be able to trust that person now, though. This relationship has broken me. The next girl I date is going to have a really fun time trying to get through to me. Fuck my ex. I know that my reactions are my responsibility and under my control, but fuck my ex so hard. She really is a bastard. And she's exactly my type. I think the thing I find most attractive in a girl is neuroticism and insecurity, probably because it reminds me so much of me. I love someone who questions reality, who has a touch of OCD or an autistic-like level of interest in something. That shit makes me fall so hard.

Man, my thoughts are scattered right now. I felt like I had so much to say, but now that I'm writing, I'm drawing blanks. Maybe its the rampant porn usage. Since the breakup, my addiction has made a massive relapse into my life. It's getting pretty bad. I jerked off three times today. I didn't even really want to the second and third times. Fuck. You know, the thing that sucks about porn addiction is that there's no where to turn to. You can get rehab for drugs, people congratulate you for quitting smoking, you get to go to meetings as an alcoholic, but everyone thinks you're a weirdo for being addicted to porn. And you are a weirdo. Porn is the only addiction (besides the internet and videogames) that has meaning packed into the drug. Each dose of porn is another fantasy, another idea, another memetic cognitohazard that plants itself in your brain so that every time you get horny in the future your brain goes, "damn remember that one scene? that would be so fucking hot to do. god i wish we could do that. we should do that. find someone to do that with. fuck..." SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Goddammit, I had this thing under control when I was dating her; love was strong enough to hold it down. I know that it can be defeated, I've had streaks of over a month before her, but fuck if it isn't difficult. I just gotta get off of it. I use it to destress and to satiate my boredom, but I am consciously aware that it is actually doing none of those things and only serves to make me stupider, weirder, hornier, etc. I need to beat this thing. I've had this disease for almost 13 years now. I need to be rid of it.