sad thoughts

I just came back from a party. It feels weird talking to other people still. I don't know if it was ever normal. I hate the way that people talk at parties: the constant moving around, the randomly saying hi to other people and breaking up conversations, the way that some people magnetize crowds because they're the most attractive or have the most clout. Maybe I'm just jealous. I want to interrogate people. I like to break down what people actually think, and a party never feels like the place to do that. Neither is a restaurant, or a classroom. I think the only times I've had actual, vulnerable conversations with people is while laying next to them in bed. Why can't people be that honest all the time?

Forgive my melancholy, I'm a little upset by the fact the party was hosted next door to the place where Elizabeth and I had our first date. On my way there, I saw the exact spot where we first kissed... I don't know how I'm ever supposed to love again. I feel like everything was so right, I was so truthful and well meaning and communicative.

I know that she's crazy. I know, I know, I know. I know this because her actions don't follow logic, because no one I've talked to can relate to my story, because no book or movie I've read or seen talks about what I went through. Why do I love crazy? I think it's because crazy people just have beautiful minds, fractured like a diamond, a paradoxical crystalline structure. Every piece of them makes sense in a poetic way, every facet of them is unique and powerful. A depressed person's happiness, an anxious person's serenity, a cold person's love, and a unstable person's directness all mean more than a normal person's. It feels like when you look in the eyes of crazy, what they say is actually true in that moment, even if they don't mean it later on.

I'm so tired right now. I want to talk more about my melancholic state of mind, about how I feel like I'm missing out on life, but I don't have the energy. That scares me a little bit, to not have the energy to express myself. I think it's because I ran further than normal today, and my body is exhausted. I also had a bit to drink at the party. I didn't smoke anything though, even though its 4/20. I wanted to, but then I realized that I don't want to be high with strangers anymore. I wished I smoked with Elizabeth when I had the chance. I hate that I'm still reminiscing over her, it makes me feel pathetic and weak. Whatever.