reflection

I've been going back through some of my diary entries (just skimming them; if I actually read them I'd probably break down again) and may I say: wow. Very melodramatic. I understand where I'm coming from, but I sound like a raving lunatic in some of those entries. Am I a raving lunatic? .... Nahhhh, I just want to die.

Let's see, what's new...

I went to an abandoned mental asylum last night with the roommate. The mental illness was palpable; not from the original patients but from the people that came afterward and graffitied the walls. I got the sense that there was a lot of fun had here, but also a lot of pain. There were your inevitable penis and cunt and various slurs, but there were also confessions and poems scattered about. I wish I brought some paint, I would've gone wild.

Before that, I had another phone call with the femcel. She was upset that a boy had asked her out at work. However, it wasn't because he was weird or rude or anything, no, it was because she was reminded that the world of romance exists and she's not a part of it right now. Relatable. She talked about how she thinks she might lack empathy and how she wants to kill people sometimes. The second bit is kind of relatable, but I felt very distant from her when she said she doesn't care about others. Maybe it's because I so afraid of being alone, but I can't not care about other people. We then talked about how much we regretted how we behaved and how we wish we could go back, and then we cried for a good ten minutes. I don't know if that was good for me; I was in a poor mood for the rest of the day.

The day before that, I got a text from the Ponyboy guy. He asked when I was graduating, and then told me he'd see me around. He wasn't apologetic at all. I don't know how the fuck to respond, but I need this motherfucker to apologize.

I'm so tired of it all. I can't believe I'm going to have to live for another 60ish years.