random thoughts again

the random thoughts archive:
https://telegra.ph/random-thoughts-archive-10-09

8 Oct. 2026

Got my Godspeed shirt today. My history prof asked about it. He also said Cop was his favorite Swans project....... old people am I right!?!?! hahahahahahahaahahhahahahahhahhahaahahhah great album idk why I'm hating.

Five days off ahead of me. Fall break technically only takes two days away, but I don't have classes on Friday and the weekend exists. Gonna be nice. I also have like a....... strict rule of genuinely taking those days as a real break and completely locking my school mind away unless it is absolutely necessary. Hopefully I'll get around to finishing Jessica Moss's stuff.

I did find myself overthinking a bit again today. I mean to a certain extent it is unavoidable....... like, time is the biggest factor when it comes to that going away. I'm trying to get better about shutting those thoughts up though, whether that's regarding something I said or whatever else. Like a judge slamming that gavel down.

My writing class is seriously so fucking funny. Half of the class is treated like a stand-up comedy show. And he's fucking good at it. It's somehow all relevant to the writing parts too. Sometimes I feel stupid, because I definitely uncontrollably laugh noticeably louder than all of the other students....... but when was jolliness ever a bad thing?!? #stayjollymotherfuckers #whothefuckuseshashtagsinthetremendous2026 🤑🤑🤑

.......still thinking about the ending of Alyx, goddamn.

Oh! We're talking about World War I now. Which is kind of boring, since I already know so much about it. But, it's history at the end of the day, and I love history as long as its taught right.

I think the only thing I added today was about his mentions of increased governmental control over what people can or cannot say during and after the war. I think he had mentioned the well-known socialist and multiple-time presidential candidate Eugene Debs — he was sentenced to prison for giving an anti-war speech. Fucking stupid stuff. But I added some stuff about the so-called "Soviet Ark," where they deported about 250 people to the Soviet Union in 1920, including Emma Goldman and Alexander Berkman, with most of the people not even being proven affiliates to anti-war or anti-government causes. I didn't mention the fact that the deportees didn't even initially know where they were going, and I really wish I did.

I....... wanted to say more but there is nothing else. So goodnight.

Nevermind!! I'm back to add more. Just had dinner. Had soup.

As I'm serving myself, my father goes "I think you need a haircut." I ignored him.

"I think you need a haircut," he says again, and I go "I HEARD YOU." Just shut the fuck up dude... that type of shit just pisses me off. I don't give a fuck what you think, this isn't for you. I like my hair! Motherfucker (literally) probably thinks I'm transitioning or some shit. I hope he does just so it pisses him off more.

ALSO I'D LIKE TO CORRECT MYSELF!! The "Soviet Ark" departed on 21 December (my birthday!), 1919, not in 1920. Got my shit mixed up.

I didn't lie in yesterday's entry when I said "tomorrow's Jonah is a better Jonah than today's." I caught my mind trying to think of a lie to tell my mother at the table to fill the silence. For some reason, my brain was stewing up bullshit about how my professor somehow didn't know who Emma Goldman was (not true....... that dude's not stupid and I respect him a lot)....... and I held off!! I literally recall telling myself in my head, "no. what the hell are you talking about?" I don't really think that's happened before.

Okay, goodnight. That should be all.

9 Oct. 2026

I slept a suspicious amount today....... I'm pretty sure I slept about 10-11 hours overnight and then I napped on accident while listening to music for another 2 hours. Also had a couple of super weird dreams during that nap. I have no idea why I slept so much.

Got a couple more listens on Phosphenes by Jessica Moss today. Fantastic. Sleepy stuff. I might check out another Moss before tomorrow, maybe could consider checking the Set Fire to Flames debut as well (it turned 25 years old today).

Uneventful day though. Goodnight.

10 Oct. 2026

Had an extremely honest and self-reflective conversation with a friend that I betrayed today.

I think it made me feel better, but at the same time I still don't understand why I did those things. And maybe I never will, but at least I was honest about it.

I really do still hate certain pieces of myself. The only question is if those pieces will remain. I don't want them to.

For some reason, the fact that my past is irreversible and inseparable from who I am eternally is so haunting to me. I envisioned being this teacher who cares deeply about his students, who has a strong desire to shape and guide the future generations. But it feels so stupid to want that when I've done such horrible things myself.

I can't just act like I didn't do things that are harmful. Because I did. But, I genuinely would take the opportunity to redo my entire life if I could. I can't erase what I've done. I can't erase the impacts of what I've done. I can't bring back the full strength of relationships. And all of that is heartbreaking to me.

I feel like it's going to take forever for me to trust myself again. And someone I loved more than nearly everyone in the entire world will probably never fully trust me again. It is so incredibly heartbreaking that I tarnished the ties between me and the people I love the most.

I am most scared of being so incapable of trusting myself that I will never build a meaningful or fruitful relationship again. I'd love to find love, I'd love to find friends who I am completely honest about myself with, I'd love to be me. But I seriously question if I've completely ruined those possibilities for myself. I'm not sure. I hope not.

Most of the friends that I currently have either

a) lost their trust and respect for me, rightfully so.
b) don't talk to me much in the first place.
c) laugh at my interests.

Will anyone be different? Or, more importantly, will I ever trust myself again? Will I be different? Am I even capable of being better? Am I going to end up in another one of these cycles six years down the line? Am I going to be alive six years down the line? I guess I am afraid of the unknown. I don't know.

THIS IS A REMINDER FOR MYSELF WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW.
CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST.
YOU NEED YOUR MEDS REFILLED AND YOU NEED HELP.

11 Oct. 2026

Do you know the one thing that's stayed the same about me over the last few months?

"Some hearts are true" remains the most important and beautiful mantra to me.

Although sometimes, I feel ashamed for listening to the song ("BlindBlindBlind") and loving it so much, because my mind will convince me that my heart isn't true. Which is stupid as shit. I bet it sounds so corny from an outside perspective. That song, though, and those words, are impactful no matter how I feel about myself. I am always in love with the idea that some people really are "true," even if I'm not.

At this point I've heard it so much that I feel intertwined with it. Which probably also sounds corny. But never have I heard a song 800+ times in the span of a few months (a 13 minute song, at that) and not had it lose an ounce of impact.

I think it is fair to say that this song will be with me until the day I die.

I really want it tattooed.

12 Oct. 2026

Going to the dentist today. And the eye doctor tomorrow. Switching back to glasses.

My teeth are still probably a little fucked, but I am undeniably proud of myself for taking care of my oral hygiene lately. Depression made basic hygiene extremely difficult for me, but I've been back on track in that regard for months now. I even consistently floss....... weird.

Also, phone calls are hell. I fucking hate phone calls. Do not call my phone. I hate when I have to make them. Nothing but hellholes of anxiety induction. And when I misunderstand something or make a mistake while talking I get so embarrassed....... whatever. I just have to make more phone calls to roll over this roadblock. I sounded so stupid on the phone call I made. I just want my fucking medications refilled. Good lord.

Can someone direct me to the doctoral black market? Thanks.

Also, I started playing Metroid: Zero Mission yesterday, and it's not bad. Supposedly, it's super short — it's a GBA remake of the original Metroid game. I really want to get to Metroid Prime eventually as well. It's pretty perplexing to me that Metroid sales are historically not too great. They're fun games. Anyways, I'm done here. Will probably report back later today.

DENTISTRY IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Before I left to the dentist, I walked out of the bathroom and saw my cat on the windowsill looking at a random cat sitting outside. The other cat left as soon as they saw me. She's doing drug deals when I'm not around, I swear.

I swear to God, the dentist will have you in an electric chair sticking machetes in your mouth while this shit is playing:

https://youtu.be/FQnD4rt8Vog?t=40

13 Oct. 2026

I beat Metroid: Zero Mission last night. I like it more than Dread.

I'm not always a fan of Dread. It's good, but I don't always think it's what a Metroidvania should be. If that's someone's first game in the genre, they're getting the wrong picture.

The beauty of a Metroidvania, to me, lies in the nonlinearity, the replayability, the drive for exploration, the constant curiosity, and the fast-paced gameplay. Dread has very little of that. They hold your hand and let you pseudoexplore along the path they give you.

But Zero Mission does! It's the epitome of Metroidvania....... although it may not be nearly as difficult as the modern ones.

And again....... that's not to say Dread isn't good. It is a good time. It's just oftentimes frustrating and un-Metroidvania-like. It's a Metroidvania without all the magic that makes a Metroidvania a Metroidvania. I'm gonna say Metroidvania again. Metroidvania, Metroidvania, Metroidvania!

I'm going to play Super Metroid now. I think I'm just gonna run through some Metroid games before Ocarina of Time releases.

.......so, for some reason, I thought that choroidal nevi went away. They don't! I swear to God, I had this vivid memory that the nevus in my right eye was not there last time I went to the eye doctor. Apparently not, though. I think about 1 in 20 white people have it. I do overthink it sometimes because it can form into melanoma (although that is quite rare).

I like the glasses I picked. I'll get them in 1-2 weeks.

Anyways, I played about half an hour of Super Metroid. I already get why it's so adored. The atmosphere is incredible for a game from 1994. I'm instantly intrigued by the story as well, and it feels so open already; backtracking is so easy (at least in this section) and exploration feels rewarding. This is an extremely small portion of the game (probably about 1/16th?), but I feel like it'll be my favorite Metroid game so far.

My break is over though! I go back to classes tomorrow. The bright side is I only have two days of classes this week....... I may not even show up to my first class tomorrow (it's the last day of that class and she's already said we've done all the assignments). Stupid class anyway.

Also, I had my group therapy stuff tonight. I only have two more weeks of that. Then, hopefully I'll manage to get into one-on-one counseling, but if not, I will use what I learned in group therapy to the best of my abilities. I want to be better than I was.

Okay, goodnight!