random thoughts

the random thoughts archive:
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21 Aug. 2026

reasons to remain:

• your future self would be quite angry if he couldn't help all those students you dream of teaching
• "BlindBlindBlind"
• writing. writing poems. writing novels. writing your life.
• love in all of its forms.
• animals in all of their beauty.
• people in all of their beauty. "some hearts are true."
• seeing your favorite artists live.
• people love you, even if you don't know them.
• listening to the birds.
• fidgeting with that little rock.
• sharing your passions.
• fully discovering yourself.
• simply persisting in the face of hardship.
• experiencing wonderful stories for the first time.
• pain. and the growth from it.
• building your record collection.
• making people smile.

23 Aug. 2026

I have a lot of thoughts today.

I contemplated my own death today. All of this anxiety is piling up, and it's so hard to ignore the thought. It feels impossible, actually. I did not do it. But, I cried for over an hour in contemplation. I feel ashamed for things that I've said and done so needlessly. I feel like I might be a compulsive liar or something, and there's a very specific lie that I told to a couple of people that I will never quite understand. I will always beat myself up for it, because it's so stupid and remarkably unnecessary.

And I've been like this my whole life. Ever since I was twelve or so, my trust has been betraying itself. And I feel ashamed and guilty for it, as I should. These are not earth shattering lies, but my brain treats them as such. It's just appalling how dumb and careless I can be.

I pledge to both stop the needless lies and the feeding of such lies.

Here's a poem I wrote today (yes, it's named after the SMZ song):

"Goodbye, Desolate Railyard"

There's pesky and incessant biting

As I'm on that rocking bench by the birdhouses

In the concerned oven air

I see the tracks o'er there

Going through the sharp and unanswering fog

And the color vanishes here

As little carts go into the grey

I hear a whisper coming

Some faint light through the thickness

Which I don't know

It's only a slivering glow

The air around me is irreversibly muted

I still see those carts going

And my feet rise from the bench

I see chirping all around

As I walk ahead into the unending black

Those red lines and brown marks

Only drive me deeper inside

Until I'm swallowed up completely

Goodbye, desolate railyard

I wish I could stay a little longer

Actually, no. They might as well be earth shattering lies. It's so FUCKING stupid. Why would ANY sane person lie about that? I fucking hate myself. I've always been told I was an extreme empath and so sensitive (and I do believe that), but nobody like that would lie about that with such ignorance. I guess my mind wanted to give some concrete shape to trauma, but that doesn't really excuse it. I should've known better, and I fucking hate myself. Goodnight.

24 Aug. 2026

Today was much better.

It is fascinating how I always tend to carry a great mood the day after I contemplate my life. I felt absurdly productive today uni-wise — got lots of shit done. I find myself very excited for my history and writing classes, which are on every Tuesday and Thursday. Mondays and Wednesdays are worse uni-wise, but still not bad.

My love for A Silver Mt. Zion only grows with each day. They're all I've listened to so far today. Songs like "BlindBlindBlind" (God, will he shut up about that one?), "What We Loved Was Not Enough," "Could've Moved Mountains," and "Goodbye Desolate Railyard" got me through the day. All four are quite different from each other, but oh so great in their own quirky ways.

I felt... confident in my calculus class today??? Armageddon has to be coming soon 'cause there's no way. Insane! But hey, that's a good thing (not Armageddon... my confidence. Okay, I'll shut up).

Someone in that class was wearing a Fallout: New Vegas shirt. Of course, I said nothing. Why wouldn't I? I was wearing a Majora's Mask sweatshirt, and nobody said anything. I wonder if someone had the same experience after seeing mine.

There's a girl who sits in front of me who seems pretty chill. I'm not even sure why I get that vibe, it's just that some people have that aura. God, that was cringe...

I've got to write a short essay for my music appreciation course. I really shouldn't have any issues with that considering I already like to write about music. I'm writing it on what I love about the bass guitar. I also have a few months to do a research project on Sergei Rachmaninoff. I originally wanted to do Swans, but I was a little late to picking who I'd write on so I had to pivot to a different era and artist. I don't give a shit about Rachmaninoff but there's a plethora of information on him, so........

Anyways, good day! Great day! I will likely finish it off by watching some DougDoug, writing a little bit, eating dinner, and listening to more music. Maybe I'll start another video game one of these days, we'll see! I was pretty dedicated to League of Legends for a couple of weeks, but that has slowed down a little, only because of uni. Whatever! Goodnight.

25 Aug. 2026

Today was also quite good.

I had my history and writing classes today, both of which were fun. I love writing, but most of the fun I get out of that class is because of my professor — he is hilarious. He has the cover of Brain Salad Surgery on the class page, so I asked him about it! We then proceeded to talk about other artists. He also really loves Without Warning by 21 Savage, Offset, and Metro Boomin. Never woulda guessed. He says he saw 21 Savage and Chris Stapleton in the same month once.

My history professor also really likes music (loves Primus), but I like that class more because of the material and the way he teaches it. It is practically just a discussion, and it doesn't really feel like a traditional lecture, which I think is great! It also helps that I am a history major with aspirations of teaching who just nerds out about it. This specific course covers U.S. history from Reconstruction to the modern era. I've got to do an annotated bibliography for that class, and I think I'm going to do it on the impacts of anarchism from around the 1880s to the 1910s. That's not surefire, though.

Anyways, today was good! Been rotating those same SMZ tracks. Wrapping it up with therapy and YouTube or something. I started Half-Life yesterday, so I will probably play around an hour of that tonight. Goodnight.

26 Aug. 2026

Holy day of productivity.

I did the majority of my essay for my music appreciation class, drafted an introduction for my visual rhetoric paper for my writing class, and got extremely ahead on my calculus homework. So I literally have no reason to do anything else today! Hours of free time.

I relistened to A Silver Mt. Zion's debut album today. I still think it's my least favorite album of theirs, which is definitely one of my hotter music takes. I still think it's good, maybe even borderline great, but nothing fully grabs me like their later work. I think A Silver Mt. Zion is at their best when Efrim Menuck is fucking ripping his vocals out all the time. However, "13 Angels Standing Guard 'Round the Side of Your Bed" is still probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. I wouldn't be surprised if further relistens change my opinions. I think I will check it out again tonight.

I have a quiz on Chief Joseph tomorrow in my history class, which shouldn't be too hard at all — I'm not worried about it.

So I'm on a hot streak! Great day again. Goodnight.

31 Aug. 2026

I've forgotten to do this for a few days... well I don't fully know if I'd forgotten. I did forget today, but the past few days I just kinda skipped. I don't know why!

But anyways, this past weekend I played a shit ton of Half-Life. I haven't beat it yet but I feel like I can smell the finish line. It's simply fantastic. A masterpiece in environmental storytelling. I feel like Valve is the go-to game producer for that stuff.

I did a personality test again today. I knew I was an INFP-T, but I wondered if anything changed. Nope, not really! It always pin-points me perfectly. A very curious, empathetic, and creative person who's hard on themselves, avoids progression (even if unintentionally), and beats themselves up for past regrets. That's me!

I find that this character of Arthur Finch that I've created mirrors me a lot. That wasn't originally my exact intention, but I suppose writers write what they know. It's weird because it offers a lot of clarity. The last novel I wrote was similar, but that character was modeled after me. For some reason when the character isn't directly inspired by me, it feels more freeing. It just feels great when I unintentionally discover something about myself.

I did meet someone today. I don't even remember her name... that's embarrassing. It was for an assignment though, nothing serious. That stupid required course that helps you "find your purpose" or whatever. She was cool. She likes horror movies.

Tomorrow's good classes day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! History/writing!!!

Anyways. Decent day. Not much else to say. I'm about to eat some pork and mashed potatoes. Goodnight.

1 Sep. 2026

I liked today. I felt quite productive.

In my American history class we all had to say what our prepared question was for our annotated bibliography, which is one of the most impactful grades we get in there. When he got to me, I said "What were the impacts of anarchism on U.S. society from 1886-1920?"

And that's legitimately something I'm curious about! I have noticed as a student in the U.S. school system that leftism is automatically dismissed or lumped entirely together as one school of thought or simply "anti-capitalism," and students are led to instantly believe that leftism = evil. A lot of that is because I believe a lot of the framework for the current history curriculum in our country was crafted during the Cold War — a lot of those ideals are still lingering around and students are not even educated about what those political theories are.

People in our country do not understand that even among the left, there is a lot of tension. For example, communists and anarchists share the same end goal fundamentally, but they staunchly disagree on how to get there. And I think most U.S. citizens believe anarchism = chaos. That is simply not what the philosophy of anarchism is.

I respect my professor because I can tell he understands these things. When he asked me why I chose that question/topic, I responded by saying I liked exploring different schools of thought. He then briefly said that the philosophy of anarchism ≠ chaos, which I appreciated.

But then I kind of maybe went off-the-rails. I continued to explain what anarchism was, because I guess I wanted people to understand. I spent a little bit explaining the differences between anarchism and other leftist schools of thought, like communism, and how anarchists typically view state socialism as dangerous. I also elaborated on why I chose the years 1886-1920, and that's because it covers everything from the Haymarket affair to the Palmer Raids and the Wall Street bombing, while also including the assassination of President William McKinley by anarchist Leon Czolgosz and the attempted assassination of Henry Clay Frick by prominent anarcho-communist Alexander Berkman. But I think I just explained it for too long.

I understand that there are a lot of different psychological pieces that probably made me think I ranted wayyyyy longer than I did, but it still felt wrong. Looking back, I feel like I probably talked for about two minutes or so, maybe three, but in the moment it felt like ten.

I do think this is a good sign, though. Considering I want to teach history as a job, I clearly already show a lot of passion for it. I think that's really great.

Anyways, my mind kept telling me everyone in there was thinking in their heads, "When will this guy shut up?" or "Stupid fucking leftist." That being said, I never identified myself as a leftist in the discussion (I am one), as I tried to keep it as objective and unbiased as possible.

Whatever. I felt good about sharing those things though, and I just hope I educated some people.

Not much else from uni today. Having pasta for dinner, then therapy, then probably coming home for an hour or so of Half-Life, then bed. Goodnight.

2 Sep. 2026

Today was almost certainly my busiest day of uni so far, but I finished all that I needed to finish nonetheless. I am proud at how productive I've been compared to my past self.

I also reflected on that classroom discussion I had yesterday about anarchism. I realized that even though my mind was negatively swaying me in some ways, I also had this newfound love and electricity. I had such a passionate intent to inform people. It might sound corny, but things like that make me fall even more in love with the idea of teaching. I think education is absolutely beautiful.

And the most beautiful thing is, things like that "rant" lead me to further understand that I don't want to teach history just because I love the subject, but because I want to help young people find their place in the world, and educate them on systemic issues and what caused them. I want to help young people learn about the world's different systems, and how historical events have affected the future. Because it is undeniably true that our history affects everything. Which is why there's an entire field for the "history of history:" historiography.

I realize that teaching high school is a very hard job. I completely understand that. But I wholeheartedly believe that the importance of the job surpasses the difficulties. If I'm making enough money to survive, it is enough, because the most fulfilling thing for me is teaching people things (that doesn't mean I won't protest for higher wages).

Anywho, I just am so incredibly excited for my future. There is nothing I look forward to more than changing the future itself, and that starts with the younger generations.

I might beat Half-Life tonight, who knows? I think I'm one or two chapters away. I'd say I had a good day, though. Goodnight.

3 Sep. 2026

My history class was quite emotional today.

We were talking about the horrific, genocidal acts committed by the imperialist United States against indigenous Americans — scalping, torturing, etc. All in the name of bringing "civilization." Specifically, we were talking about the Sand Creek Massacre, where disgusting men tortured innocent children. My professor started crying, thinking of his own children, and it was really emotional.

Apparently, I was the first student he's ever had who correctly identified Wyoming as the first state to give women the right to vote. I was kind of baffled that not a single person he'd taught before knew that. I'm assuming a decent amount did, but didn't say anything.

I feel like I come off as annoying in there. I can only imagine being one of the others, hearing me talk my head off all time or respond to all the questions. A student asked something about "60 acres and a mule" and I did the whole erm... actually and corrected it to 40. It felt obnoxious even though I don't think I delivered the words in such a way. Whatever! It's all in my head... I think.

Nothing else of note to report today, though. Goodnight.

5 Sep. 2026

It is hard not to lose hope, but I'm not going to.

Just the idea that a couple billion people will probably be displaced due to climate change in my lifetime is incredibly depressing. Those climate expectations that the oligarchs said were falsehoods — and will continue to propagandize about — were completely true (to nobody's surprise).

And yet my country just sits around arguing about "illegal" immigrants and the human rights of queer people? It disgusts me. I really need to get my license so I can go to protests and do volunteer work and organize stuff. There's literally nothing I want to do more right now.

I'm not even sure I'll live in this state or country when I'm older (which maybe isn't a bad thing) but insurance costs are going to go through the roof in my adulthood, and I'm really not certain that my occupation will support those prices.

What disgusts me even more is the cyclical nature of this system. Prices are going to skyrocket due to this stuff. And they sure as hell won't be in a rush to increase wages. People are going to be displaced and I guarantee that same "illegal" immigrant talk will continue. It's fucking horrible.

I hope more people will wake up. God, I love having music to lean on.

I'm probably going to start Half-Life 2 tonight. Oh yeah, I beat the first one. It was fantastic. Gave it a 9/10. Genuinely amazing.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ineedtostopspiralingaboutthings

Goodnight.

6 Sep. 2026

So I did start Half-Life 2! There is more dialogue than the first game already, and I have a feeling I'm in for an all-time favorite... like for real. I fucking love the atmosphere of it all so far. I live for dystopian shit.

I know how much people have been begging for Half-Life 3, and I can't tell if that's just because it's been 22 years or because 2 ends on an ambiguous cliffhanger or something. At the same time, I love ambiguity in video games. I wouldn't mind. Either way I'm excited as hell, I only played about an hour last night.

I had another crazy "Lift Yr. Skinny Fists like Antennas to Heaven!" listening session. Crazy how immersive that album is. It's incredible!

I also read up on more stuff about Leopold II of Belgium and the Congo Free State... I think it's baffling that world history classes around here don't talk about all the crimes he committed when they teach about imperialism in Africa. It's fucking revolting. Saw some photos as well........ not pleasant. But it is history. That man's exploitation is still affecting the Congo over a century later.

And apparently my deceased grandfather (he went to flea markets and auctions a lot) had some real Civil War era newspapers? If that is the case, and I get my hands on them, I'm going to use them in my future classroom.

I might listen to "The Origin of My Depression" tonight? Not sure. Recommended by a good friend. Anyways...

Goodnight.

8 Sep. 2026

Was today... good? No, but I don't know if it was bad either.

First of all, my dumbass couldn't get the internet to work this morning because I had my fucking VPN kill-switch on and didn't realize it for over an hour. My dumbass was updating drivers and restarting shit. All this when I wanted to watch the Zelda 40th Anniversary Nintendo Direct today. Which I did, but on my phone. I think the OoT remake looks good, by the way. I don't like to bootlick these massive gaming corporations but Zelda and many Nintendo franchises in general are a huge source of comfort for me. There're far more effective ways to fight the system than not buying something, anyway. Excited for the general Direct tomorrow (new 3D Mario please).

My fucking Reddit account got hacked too, or something. When I reset my password, all these fucking porn subreddits were subscribed to. Nope, that's not what I use Reddit for. So I spent a good amount of my morning leaving all that shit. That was quite annoying.

So I wasn't in the greatest mood when I got into history. It still wasn't bad. I mean, I can't ever really go wrong with history. We talked about the Gilded Age of our country, shit like that. Not my favorite era to talk about — it's boring in comparison with others, but still not bad. We're really constantly in that fucking "Gilded Age" kinda thing, most people just don't understand that. Especially now. Good lord, the wealth concentration is unacceptable.

I'm stressing over my calculus test a little bit, which is on Thursday. But I'm not TOO worried. I'll be alright.

I listened to "BlindBlindBlind" 22 times today, possibly one or two more before I sleep. I don't know. God, that song is so perfect! Yeah, I know... you motherfuckers know that already. "Hang On to Each Other" has become one of my favorite songs of theirs, by the way. So fucking encouraging.

Anyways, I did some history homework when I got home. Got a paper to finish before Thursday for my writing class. Will do. Nothing else to report on, really. OH WAIT — Half-Life 2! Amazing stuff. Still only 3 hours of playtime... it's felt like much longer. It's fucking fantastic, man. Alright, NOTHING else to report on.

Goodnight.

9 Sep. 2026

Today felt great, honestly!

I really liked the Nintendo Direct, especially Metroid Ravenous and the new Kirby announcement. Of course, it has been almost a decade since Super Mario Odyssey, and I am still patiently waiting for its successor, but still! I've never even played a Metroid game and I'm excited for that thing. Probably will be playing Dread in preparation.

My classes were easy, and my entire anxiety about the calculus tomorrow has been flipped on its head. I feel pretty confident!

Anyways, gonna play more Half-Life 2 tonight. Goodnight.

10 Sep. 2026

Okay... I did some calculating. I think I got ~65% on my calc test. Obviously not that great. But it also could be worse. And I'm telling myself I'll do better next time. I also woke up very late today... but I made it so who gives a shit?

I laughed at the dumbest joke from my writing prof: "85% of statistics are completely fabricated — I made that up." LIKE bro SHUT the fuck up (kindly). He also spent a good amount of time preaching anti-AI (I love that motherfucker). Also my history prof accidentally referred to former U.S. President James A. Garfield as Andrew Garfield and it made me snicker as well. Nobody corrected him and he didn't realize lmfao. He accidentally slips quite a lot actually, it's pretty funny but literally never on purpose.

Turned in my visual rhetoric paper, very confident in it. Not worried at all. I need to start working on my annotated bibliography for history, which I will do. But before then... Half-Life 2!!!! (that rhymed + insert money mouth emoji here)

I'm so stupid. (insert sob emoji here)

(insert no mouth emoji here)

(insert inspirational quote here)

(insert or swipe your card to pay)

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT GOODNIGHT MOTHAFUCKAS WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

11 Sep. 2026

I am going to start reading Alexander Berkman's The Bolshevik Myth. I have not looked at how long it is, but it has definitely piqued my interest. I believe it's about his time in Russia after being deported from the U.S. under the Anarchist Exclusion Act of 1903 (that year could be wrong, I can't remember). He left after a couple of years despite his initial optimism with the Bolshevik cause. As far as I'm aware, it is written in the form of a diary.

I don't really know what else to say. Today hasn't been that great. My mind is just in a negative space and I don't know why. Goodnight.

14 Sep. 2026

I cannot stand how the slightest inconveniences discourage me to such a massive extent. My brain will actually consider suicide because I fucked up in conversation or I got a lower test score than I thought. It's so exhausting.

I held back tears in my calc class today as well! That was fun. And I feel a bit ashamed about it. I just keep beating myself up.

Anyways whatever goodnight and cheers to better days ahead

16 Sep. 2026

I ALMOST FORGOT FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW but NAHHHH WE HERE.

FIRST OFF: Carly Rae Jesus drops on Friday. Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'. Nice treat for the end of the week.

SECOND OFF: Calc class got cancelled for tomorrow. Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'.

THIRD OFF: I beat Half-Life 2 two nights ago and IT MADE ME CRY. BAD. FIVE STARS PERFECT NO NOTES. I'm now on the Half-Life 3 waitlist. And yes I will be playing Alyx as well. Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'.

FOURTH OFF: I started Metroid Dread in preparation for Ravenous. It's quite fun so far, although I've only played about an hour. Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'.

FIFTH OFF: History club tomorrow. Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'.

SIXTH OFF: Hell fucking yeah is all I'm sayin'.

SEVENTH OFF: I ain't sayin' shit!

EIGHTH OFF: Okay I got one more shit to say: Goodnight.

17 Sep. 2026

Someone asked me this today: "Why do you feel the need to justify feeling intense passion about something?" and it really made me think.

Nearly every time I attempt to share something I love in real life, I am either ignored or verbally expelled as "weird" or "pretentious" or they say something like "but it sounds horrible." I can think of multiple occasions of something similar to this — in particular a few years back when we were going around each playing a song we liked, and I got made fun of for saying my pick was my favorite song ever at the time: "that's weird" were the words. I remember it.

And as a result, I feel like I have been molded to feel like an alien in my own world. In my own home. I never feel like my own family or friends truly understand me. If I ever try talking about something I'm passionate about, I'm always talking straight into a void. Nobody ever cares.

I genuinely have never felt at home with anyone in real life. And that's so sad to me, but it's true. I have always felt like an outsider. My own family teases me, but even worse, they think homosexuals are destined for hell (I'm bisexual)... and so that rhetoric still haunts me even if I'm separated from the religion. I never know if I will truly condition my mind to remove the thought that I'm doomed to hell because I'm queer. I think about it every single day.

But of course, it is entirely possible that I have a bigger ego than I thought, and the "ignorance" of relatives is actually my subconscious desire for attention. I don't like that thought either. Whatever the truth is, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I've found that the scramble to discover myself has only gotten more intense across my teenage years. I've gotten my mind convinced that something is up with me — whether that's autism, ADHD, OCD, or a mix of them all. A few years ago, a psychiatrist was apparently so convinced that I wasn't autistic that she didn't even bother to properly screen me. I still don't believe it at all. I am fairly convinced that I do have autism. But I also don't know... I'm not the professional. It does run rampant in my family, though.

The truth is, I need to stop questioning myself and begin accepting myself.

But the reality is, I don't know how to escape that unfortunate space I inhabit. It's like my mind and my soul are completely separate, with my mind trying to deceive my soul.

I don't know how to escape that line of thought. I don't know how to escape addiction. I don't know how to escape this cyclical laziness, as I call it, in which I want to do things and progress, but my body is too tired to try.

And I always feel like I'm so interested in anyone's interests, no matter what it is. They're sharing a piece of their soul with me. It just never seems like people care to hear me. I just come across as dull and quirky. Or maybe it is the case that I cannot read people properly, and my mind is, well, deceiving my soul.

I feel like I'm coming across as a stupid, self-righteous prick, so I'm just going to stop.

Today was a... I don't know what it was.

The highlight of my day was probably my writing professor critiquing American society for being queerphobic and explaining the weight of the f-slur, which I seriously appreciate so much. I was the target of some homophobic attacks recently, and that only added to the hatred of myself. It is odd, isn't it? I sometimes hate myself for who I am, but I love every single queer soul that isn't named Jonah W______. I wanted to thank him after class, but my mother works there in the same department as him, so I didn't risk anything. I didn't want my mother finding out I was a queer ally, and especially not a queer myself. I have no idea what would happen. But I know for certain, I wouldn't be living here much longer. He also said, "If people call me woke for this, then I don't give a shit, I guess that's what I am."

And history club was good too. We talked about Burkina Faso's history and culture as well as some stuff on 9/11. Quite interesting. And of course, I was the yaphead in there who wouldn't shut the fuck up. But hey, it's okay. We also got a little existential and talked about climate change and the unfortunately likely rise of ultranationalism and fascism later this century when a couple billion people get displaced.

I also posted a reel/TikTok last night of a vocal cover I did of "BlindBlindBlind." I don't really know why I felt the need to share it with the public but I just think the song is so beautiful, and I'm going to spread that gospel whenever I can. Singing that song is some of the most vulnerable shit I can ever do. I just feel like a fucking weirdo for loving that song so much. No one is supposed to listen to a thirteen minute song two dozen times a day.

Anyways, I don't think I have anything else notable to say. Not like anything I've said so far was notable in the first place. I feel detached from humanity and I wish I didn't! I don't know if I'll ever find someone who actually understands me or if I'll ever find love. But I hope so.

Goodnight.

21 Sep. 2026

I'm tired. Again.

There were definitely some people thinking I was cuckoo in my calc class today. Or maybe they didn't even notice anything about me. Or maybe they just don't give a shit. Why do I even care? I shouldn't. Probably. Or maybe it's okay that I do. Am I okay? Okay. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeahyeahyeah I had something adjacent to an anxiety attack in there, and I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, sure, my anxiety has risen a little bit as of late because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by... life, I guess? But an attack seems overkill. What are we doing body? Maybe it wasn't even an attack and I'm just stupid. Possibly. So many maybes. Why do I care? I shouldn't, probably? I guess? I don't know.

Anyways I did step out of the class for a while, fidgeted with my rock boy Kevin and shit while trying to pace my breathing. Was walking super fast in and out of class, probably looked robotic. I could tell my face was super ugly and weird. I could feel eyes on me even if nobody cared or noticed a thing. I'm too hyper-observant of myself, maybe, but at the same time I don't know how not to be.

That girl who sits in front of me in that class is really pretty.

I've got a lot of homework to do and I'm super stressed. Hopefully, I make it out without breaking something. I don't know what that means, but I do know breaking shit is bad.

Also writing something pretty ambitious for my standards. Very excited to share it when done. It is music-related.

Goodnight.

22 Sep. 2026

I was getting so pissed off at the library today.

I love that place because, for some reason, even when I technically have distractions like my phone, being in the library locks me in. It's a place where I can focus on work with 100% power. It feels great! But today, no...

I sat in a different spot today, right at the end of this corridor near the back exit of the library. People were coming in and out — it's a college campus after all! But holy shit, I was getting so pissed. There's one particular door that happens to be the closest one to the end of that corridor, so people were moving through it every time. It is the loudest fucking door in existence. I don't understand how nobody else seemed to care. Every single time it shut, I closed my eyes to "brace" for it, which seems so dumb in retrospect but it was physically agitating me.

There were even people who KNEW the door was loud as shit, observing people open/close it, but STILL chose to go through it, when there's another door RIGHT next to it. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW I SEEMED TO BE THE ONLY PERSON AGITATED!!! AND I WAS WEARING NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES!!!!!!

I'm so fucking weird and I don't know why I'm like this I always just feel alienated from literally everyone else and it's why maybe I haven't made any friends or actually had a single conversation with anyone else there yet. No, that's not an exaggeration.

Is it possible to have OCD about the thought that you COULD have OCD??? I've literally looked that up already but I keep asking it. I think I have OCD. Or I'm just blurting nothingness out of my head and exaggerating or making shit up. But I could. I probably don't. But I think I do. I have to. I have to. I think I might have autism too. I'm pretty sure. But I don't know.

OKAY goodnight?

25 Sep. 2026

Over the last couple of years, I had two separate surgical operations for the exact same out-of-my-control issue. And I hate living in ignorance — I've had another, separate medical problem that will almost certainly require doctoral assistance. Once again… something that is entirely out of my control, but is embarrassing and could lead to infection or more serious issues if left untreated. In fact, it is somewhat miraculous that nothing has happened yet.

But I'm scared to tell anyone. I feel like a financial burden. And the issue is relatively embarrassing, even though, as I've said, it is entirely out of my control. It is things like this that make me want to kill myself. Which I don't love. It obviously makes much more sense to pick up a goddamn phone than kill myself. But my brain really crumbles under any minor circumstance.

But yeah, I ended up crying about it just now. I don't understand why I'm so anxious about it and so depressed about it, but the years of ignoring the problem have kind of culminated into this mental collapse. I don't know what to do. I want to reach out to someone (literally anyone to talk to), but it is such an embarrassing issue to me that my brain would rather sacrifice my future than my secrecy. Even though that's really not what I want.

Please fix yourself, somehow.

I am also beating myself up (probably rightfully so), because I'm really battling a shameful addiction, and have been for awhile. Not only am I ashamed, but it makes me a hypocrite. I don't know how to stop doing what I'm doing. I guess it derived from my lack of social connection and natural feelings of alienation from the world, but that doesn't excuse it, and it has led me to hate myself… which unfortunately further feeds the addiction. It's cyclical. I've tried to stop but I can't, and it honestly could affect my competency in the teaching field.

So yeah. Even though this addiction has only had the chance to exist within the last couple of years and has grown to be incredibly common, I still feel like I'm a horrible human being who deserves to die. I don't know.

26 Sep. 2026

The human brain is fascinating. It's like... I can tell that my brain is in its largest stage of development so far, because within the last few months I just feel like I've grown A LOT mentally. And I've gotten so much more curious than I already was. I don't know. That's all I have to say today.

Goodnight.

27 Sep. 2026

I think I'm incredibly depressed right now. I don't really know what to do, but I'm honestly scared, because I don't know what comes next.

I'm realizing that nothing makes me happy. "BlindBlindBlind" is simply the thing keeping me from being completely dull of emotion, and it made me think I was happy.

I don't even have much fun writing anymore. Work on my novel has been at halt for a while, and I've hit an unscalable stopping point when it comes to my gigantic music essay that I was originally quite optimistic about. I don't even write poems anymore — if I try, I give up because my writing is subpar, unfulfilling, and not worth hearing.

I still want to finish those things, but my body is so exhausted that I don't even think I can without spiraling.

I am depressed and addicted and lost. All I do is eat. And I am still so deeply disgusted by that lie I held up for over a year, even though I'm not sure I'll ever come clean about it because all I am is a worthless coward. Misleading people into secondhand grief is something I will never forgive myself for. It is absolutely disgusting. I want to tell the truth, and I have always wanted to tell the truth. But looking back at my life, I lie with a lack of purpose, a lack of justification. And even if I did not want to hurt people, I know I have. I will never forgive myself for deceiving people even if I didn't want to. I will also never understand why I did.

I am seriously the most disgusting person I have ever personally known. To capitalize off and generate sympathy from a fictional scenario is just stupid. I understand that I was going through a lot, and he has been mighty close to what I claimed, but that doesn't excuse what I did. And I genuinely wouldn't be mad if I died. I deserve it.

I do not like life. I do not like our world. But I so badly hope I come around to it all before the worst happens. And I hope I somehow forgive myself.

The only people I love, I have lied to. I can't think of one that I never lied to. I deserve to die. The world is too much for a cowardly imbecile like me.

28 Sep. 2026

Ever feel like the wall is the only thing you've got?

It's not the only thing I've got. At all. I have people who care about me. And yet I still always feel like a nuisance for even considering reaching out just to chat. So I just talk to the fucking wall! And then make fun of myself for it.

I've gotta get better somehow. I'm exhausted with life.

30 Sep. 2026

Getting off the internet for a while. Goodbye.

2 Oct. 2026

"A while." Yeah that didn't last long. Nothing makes me happy and I don't know what to do. I haven't even enjoyed listening to music the past few days....... it just fills the space around me. I do not enjoy anything and I do not know how much longer I can go. Half of me is terrified of what this spiral could lead to, and the other half is desperately begging that I fall down quick.

If I lied and said I didn't want to die, I'd just increase the odds that I do die. This is the lowest I've ever been and nothing is helping. I genuinely feel like an irredeemable human being.

I'm gonna go nap or something. I don't know.

5 Oct. 2026

Jonah.

You fucked up, demented, irredeemable soul. Too cowardly to hold off compulsions. Too stupid to realize what's wrong with what you've done.

Actions irreversible. Things to be ashamed of. Inhumane thoughts....... which feel uncontrollable.

You, Jonah.

You

deserve death,

"friend."

I am ashamed to inhabit you!

The motherfucker who told a harmful lie so he could get sympathy points.

The motherfucker too cowardly to tell the ones he lied to, attempting to let it dust away on the shelf.

The motherfucker who didn't control himself all those months.

The motherfucker who's writing this instead of owning up to it!

You made that up because you were too cowardly to just say "I'm hurting and I need help."

I wish you succeeded that day.

7 Oct. 2026

Well. I'm going to call for a psychiatrist soon.

I really need to stop just labelling myself as a "bad" or "irredeemable" person. That does nothing for me. That does nothing to help dig me out of the hole.

Being forced to live a double life throughout my childhood....... masking the fact that I'm queer, against the sexist and generally bigoted values of the church, etc etc....... that doesn't exactly feed an instinct to tell the truth.

Even though honesty is such an important value to me, my brain quite literally instinctively grabs for a lie before my mind can even process the situation. I hate it. I hate being a compulsive liar. I hate manipulating people, even if unintentional.

.......and that's a horrible fucking mix with the trauma of living through the countless suicide attempts of a family member. So many that I lost count, and so many that my brain quite literally planted the idea that he was dead as a protective measure.

These alternative identities....... it's just unhealthy and manipulative. I need to learn to love myself, so that I love talking about who I really am. I am Jonah. I am 18. I am a future high school history teacher. I have an older brother, a wonderful older brother. I love music with my whole heart. I don't have synesthesia. I never saw Ichiko Aoba. I'm not some fictional person. I am Jonah. And Jonah is okay, even if Jonah himself doesn't think so sometimes.

I have done horrible, irreversible things. But that does not make me irredeemable.

I have said stupid things. Stupid, irreversible things. But irreversible ≠ irredeemable. Those are simply not synonymous.

I am Jonah. I am deeply flawed. And tomorrow's Jonah is a better Jonah than today's.

hmm. More standard stuff I guess, because my life has continued to roll on. It doesn't stop. I've beaten Metroid Dread since I last talked about it. It was frustrating, but still great. The final boss was amazing.

But holy shit....... I played the entirety of Half-Life: Alyx. That's the best fucking ending ever put in a video game. And an unbelievable experience entirely. I did think it would take me longer, so now I need to find something else to hold me over until Ocarina of Time.

Anyways, I'm looking towards the future instead of beating myself up for my harmful past. I have a long road ahead of me.