party

(Apologies for the writing quality here, I have a massive sunburn and my head hurts like hell.)

Yesterday I went out with the music club to a festival. The festival is mainly a greek life attraction, as it serves as an excuse to get dressed up all fancy, day drink, and bet on rich people sports. It's not exactly my scene, but I've been trying to live more and this festival is a fairly large annual event near the university.

Weeks before the festival started, I volunteered to limit my drinking and be the designated driver, bussing people from the pregame to the festival grounds. However, the location of the pregame was only dropped a few days before the festival, and when I saw the address, my heart sank. It was the house right across from Elizabeth's. I can't remember how many times I gazed out her bedroom window at that house without giving it a second thought, and now I was going to have to park on the other side of the street and be forced to witness the opposite view.

I tried my best to not look out the windows, but I can't lie: I did steal a glance or two. At one point, some people needed help loading drinks and supplies into the car parked right in front of her door, and I had to shout some made up excuse from the threshold about why I couldn't help.

The anxiety subsided once we got to the festival, mostly because I rewarded myself with a tall can of Guinness and a shot of some disgusting strawberry-banana vodka, and I tried to relax. Unfortunately, the alcohol made me outgoing and social towards the women there, and I spent about an hour flirting with people. I hate having a penis.

The most interesting girl I talked to was antisocial, spent her time reading some book, was dotted with random tattoos, and had a septum piercing. Why the fuck am I always attracted to the mentally ill girls? After a while, I sussed out that she was the host of the pregame house, and thus Elizabeth's neighbor. The idea that they might know each other both frightened and fascinated me, and I spent half of my brain power trying to gauge whether she knew of me or thought I was crazy or not.

Because I am stupid and horny, I spent the other half of my brain power staring at her eyes. I don't want to be weird, but I need to express how fascinating this woman's eyes were. She had some kind of central heterochromia, which colored her irises with a hypnotic ring of blue-green around the edges that faded to an orange in the center. I caught myself staring several times, and which made me feel self-conscious, and then I worried that I was making her feel self-conscious, but I really couldn't look away. Fuck I feel creepy.

Anyways, the day was mildly interesting, but I left the festival feeling somewhat empty. I feel broken. I don't enjoy partying at all, even when everyone else around me is having fun. Maybe I'm still in a phase of anhedonia, but I scared that I'll never find a way to enjoy going out. I don't know how to end this journal entry, my head hurts too much from my sunburn. I guess it's getting to be that time of year again.