life story

In utero, I had to be induced early because I was having allergic reactions in my mother's womb. Apparently, my brain kept growing, but my body stopped. When I was born, I was allergic to almost everything; a doctor joked that I should only eat water. I had asthma attacks all the time and had eczema so bad that I would scratch my skin off in my sleep and bleed all over my bed sheets.

In elementary school, I was a voracious reader and constantly had my head in a book. I taught myself to read after my mother got a job and couldn't finish the 2nd Harry Potter book for me. I did long division for fun, didn't eat very much, and couldn't remember people's names or faces. I was neighbors with a girl, and I developed a huge crush on her because we lived so close, we both played with Legos, we both read Warrior Cats and Harry Potter, and she had the Disney channel and I didn't. The neighborhood was mostly filled with girls, and I had very few male friends my age. I took piano lessons for two years and swam on the summer swim team, but I was so skinny that I would turn blue in the pool. I also did tae kwon doe at an Americanized dojo until I received a black belt. I don't think it means anything other than the money spent to get it, but now I can count to 29 in Korean.

In the fifth grade, school districts were rezoned, and I was isolated from the few people I could call myself friends with. I made friends with two other nerds, and we would talk about science and day dreams we had about a fictional space world. At one point, my mother wanted to get a new dog, so we went out to a kennel. While I was there playing with all the puppies, I suddenly had the thought, "wow, this is the most fun I've ever had. I bet it only gets worse from here." I then realized this wasn't a normal thought. This was also the grade where I started watching porn. I don't remember whether it was my cousin that showed me it, or someone on the school bus talking about it, or finding a videotape in my parents bedroom. I remember how easy it was to access, I just typed in "porn" and it was fed right to my 10-year-old eyes. This started a lifelong addiction that I'm struggling with today. My dad finding the browser history and was furious, he then restricted all the technology in the house. I rebelled when I could, and during this time I kept a notepad of all the smutty and salacious things I wanted to lookup and explore when I got the chance. My perversion was intense: over the course of my childhood, I would watch porn in school and jerk off in public where no one would see me. I never watched other people, it was always focused on a stupid little screen.

Fighting his restrictions educated me on computers, and probably led to me being able to pursue computer science. It was also around this time that I was molested by my cousin. My cousin was older than me and I thought he was cooler because he played more video games and was a boy scout and played nerdy card and board games and swore more. I wanted to do all of these things, I got into nerd and internet culture because of him. He was home schooled, and now he still hasn't graduated college, works in a grocery store, and is addicted to video games and the internet. We would share a bed when we visited our grandparents house, and as we got older, he began masturbating the bed. He eventually began to masturbate against and between my thighs. It was exciting to me at the time because it made me feel things I had never felt before. I feel violated now. Apparently, the same thing happened between my sister and our female cousin. We decided to stop seeing them a year ago.

Throughout my childhood, my parents would argue. They would argue about everything, and often times it would end in screaming matches. My sister would sit in her closet and cry, and I would listen to music and zone out. My sister and I are amazed that they never divorced, especially considering how much my mother talked to us about it. My dad would scream at me as well. He never hit me, but he did kick my door into the wall until it broke, then removed it from the hinges and made me patch the hole. A while later, I ended up getting angry and punching a hole straight through my patch work. I remember I was taking a shower once when my dad came in and tried to talk to me. I said something rude, so he yanked the rod out of the wall and screamed at me and stared me down while the water ran. I will never yell at someone I love.

In middle school, I reunited with many people I knew in elementary school, but it was weird because they were all still good friends with each other. I felt isolated. I wasn't recommended for the gifted program because, even though my grades were high and I was reading at a college level, the teacher thought I would be a bad fit because I only wanted to read and not play with others or listen. I am still resentful of this because I thought all the kids in the gifted program were cool and I ended up getting along with them in high school. During this time, I played rec league soccer with a team of boys I all liked. My dad was the coach, and this was the one sport I ever did where I felt like I was truly part of a team and valued there. I met one of my better friends on the team because we watched the same YouTuber. During this time, I realized that I was pretty good at math. I remember liking this one girl with short hair. I wanted to ask her out, and my dad forced me to. I ended up making it awkward and taking it back because my dad forced it.

Halfway through middle school, we moved to a more upper class neighborhood. My parents were unsatisfied with the size of our house and what they thought was a lack of community in our old one. We were living in a neighborhood close to the heart of the city, within walking distance of the local library, gym, high school, and downtown area. We ended up moving to a golf course neighborhood that could only be accessed off the side of a highway. It was nice but isolating. I wish we never moved.

In the 8th grade, I joined the school musical and got a lead role. I met my best friend here. He said that we became friends because I sat with his friends at lunch one day and made them all laugh until they couldn't breath. We're still best friends today. Over the course of middle school, I went to an overnight camp during the summer. It was pretty fun, but I felt isolated there and I found it hard to make friends. Phones weren't allowed there though, so I liked that.

Over the summer, I did another musical production. I got my first and second kiss here. This girl was really into me, and I kissed her backstage during the show. It was short and awkward because I didn't want to get lipstick all over my face. We made out later. I got my second kiss when a guy leaned over to whisper something to me just before the curtains opened and he gave me a peck instead. I wasn't traumatized, I was just annoyed and felt bad for him. He was awkward, and I guess he got the wrong idea because I found it fun to be effeminate sometimes.

In 9th grade, I stopped doing soccer because we were all too old for the league. I joined cross country instead because it was the only fall sport that didn't ooze machismo but wasn't lame. I wasn't bad at it, and I made a few friends this way. In the winter, I tried wrestling. It was super fun and rewarding, and satiated a part inside of me that craved violence somehow. In the spring, I did the musical with my best friend. He didn't play sports, but he could sing and act. I hated the director, he was too gay to function and was catty. My previous director in the summer was also gay, but I liked him because he got things done and had a vision. One of my friends from middle school got me back into Magic the Gathering. I played with him and a few other friends until the 12th grade. I had my first girlfriend in the 9th grade. She asked me out for valentines day. We Snapchatted each other nudes constantly, but we never did anything more than make out. She broke up with me a month later without explaining.

Over the course of high school, my family took me and my friends to the beach every summer. Between 9th and 10th grade, I hooked up with my sisters friend. We snuck a beer in the basement of the beach house, and I sat there talking to her for almost an hour as she stared at me waiting for me to make a move. Eventually, I leaned in and kissed her. We made out and dry humped for a while, and I eventually ate her out for a while. She didn't touch me, I never asked. The next day, she was extremely sore because I was too rough, and I found out that I was just a rebound because she just broke up.

In the 10th grade, I took a really hard math class called math analysis. I loved it, it was fun to be challenged. I also took intro to computer programming, I didn't really like it all that much. I got back with my first girlfriend, but it ended basically the same way, again because she had just broken up with someone else and I was a rebound. In the spring of 10th grade, I started working at the local golf course. It was my first job, and I thought it was pretty neat. I worked there all summer.

The summer between 10th and 11th grade, I went on an exchange trip to Germany. I didn't speak German, but I thought it would be fun. I ended up losing my virginity to a girl that went on the trip too. She was older than me and thought I was really funny. We would touch each other in public, at one point she sucked my dick in a museum. She was extremely depressed though, and Facetimed me at one point to show me that she was cutting herself. After we got back to the US, we fucked a few more times. I was almost unable to cum with her, I think it was a combination of anxiety and porn addiction. I threw up once after fucking her because I was trying so hard.

In the 11th grade, I took AP language and had a very fun teacher. She taught us rhetoric, and I thought it was awesome. I would start fights in the classroom between other people using rhetoric, which was very amusing to me. I also took AP chemistry, and I hated the teacher. She just showed us recordings of previous classes from years ago, and was a total bitch. At one point I walked out of her class to complain to my counselor. I worked at the golf course again during the spring and summer.

During the 12th grade, I started to really feel alone. My older friends had graduated and I was taking harder and harder classes. My favorite class was AP physics because the teacher was very easy to talk to and he was kind of immature. I got my own computer that Christmas, and I started playing a lot more video games. Just before COVID started, I started talking to a girl a grade younger than me. She was into all the same music I was and was really funny and beautiful. I fell for her. I went on long drives with her and she came over to watch movies a few times. I was so scared to make a move that I literally gave her a back and butt massage and didn't do anything because I thought she saw me as a friend. The second time she came over, I eventually made a move. We made out and I ate her out for a while. She offered to touch me, but I got nervous and I told her I was fine. A few days before COVID started, she ghosted me. I was heartbroken for a year.

During COVID, I checked out of all my classes. I already had all As, so I didn't need to do anymore work. I did Doordash until I got into a car accident. I played a lot of video games and watched a lot of porn. I worked at a car wash until college started, I worked there with a friend who I thought was pretty funny but I didn't keep in contact with.

In first year, my roommate was very concerned with COVID and kept the door shut the entire time. I met almost nobody, I would wander grounds at 3am in a haze, full of anxiety and angst. At one point, I was so depressed that I ditched classes and visited my best friend at JMU for a week. I ended up hooking up with one of his friends, but when I returned a few weeks later, they had started dating without telling me. That was a very weird dynamic. After that, I hooked up with a girl on Tinder, I didn't like her or find her attractive but I was horny and lonely. She scratched my back so bad it bled, that made me feel like a man. I made a friend with a girl who would tell me about her weird porn fetishes, I think she was into me but I never made a move because I was scared. That year was so isolating that I started having panic attacks, and I would cope with them by constantly masturbating and sleeping. I eventually went back home when the school shut down the gyms, as that was the only other thing that was keeping me from killing myself.

Between first and second year, I worked at the summer camp I went to as a kid. It was hard work, but it was really satisfying and made me feel like I was doing something important. I felt competent, like I was learning how to be a human second year, I roomed with the guy across from my dorm in an apartment together. We lived next to all of the frats, but I never went out to them. In order to feel in control, I got really specific about my eating. I made a spreadsheet of all the macro and micro nutrients of what I ate, and devised a daily diet that I would eat every day. It made cooking and shopping much easier, I can roll through the grocery store in under 5 minutes because I get the same thing every time. I began to realize that maybe business school wasn't for me, my grades weren't good enough. I started dating this girl that I met at a party, but I didn't feel a spark, so I broke it off after a month. Over the winter, I did mushrooms with a high school friend I played Magic with, it was one of the coolest experiences ever. I began pledging a frat, but I dropped out because I got nervous and thought it wasn't for me, I felt like I was pretending to be a different person. I changed my major to computer science.

Between second and third year, I worked at the summer camp again. I started dating a British girl who I wasn't attracted to, but I thought she was interesting and compatible. I took her virginity, I feel weird about that. When she flew back home, I cried and mourned the relationship.

Third year, the British girl flew back to hang out with me. I had lost my attraction to her and was just using her for sex, and she felt it and resented me for it. After she left, I met a girl at a concert and made out with her there. On our second date, we went to another concert, but she ignored me the entire time. I ended up getting tinnitus trying to stick around and talk to her. I later found out that I was just a rebound. My classes began getting a lot harder, and I got a lot more stressed. I started having horrible back pain from my stress. I started working at the university gym in the spring.

Between third and fourth year, I moved into a new apartment with 2 more roommates. I loved my new apartment and I worked a lot of hours at the gym. I made supervisor. Before school started again, I went to supervisor training and met my first love. She asked me out to a party, and it went from there.

Fourth year, I fell deeply in love with her. We were extremely compatible and shared a lot of interests. I was in more classes than ever, and I picked up an internship in addition to my job at the gym. I struggled with figuring out how to be in a relationship, I tried really hard because I loved this girl more than life itself, she was the first human that I thought understood me. I told her more of my secrets than I've ever told anyone else.

She broke up with me out of nowhere after thanksgiving, right before finals season. I have written extensively about this. I went back home for the winter and was completely isolated from everyone. I tried antidepressants, but I had a really bad reaction. In the spring, she asked me out again, only to take it back less than a day later, so I tried to kill myself by cutting and alcohol and was committed for a week.

I am still very depressed. I am just trying to graduate. I still don't have a job. I can't get any work done.