[Superman and Batman walk up to Lex's receptionist.] Superman: We're here to see Lex Luthor. Receptionist: And you are? Superman: I'm Superman, he's... Receptionist: Are those last names? Riddler: Riddle me this, Batman. What wears a mask, and is unconscious? [Batman jumps on Riddler.] Lex Luthor: Joker, can we move things along? Joker: Oh, you're no fun to shop with, Lexy. Joker: Ah, now you get out. You were afraid of a real fight. Superman: Yeah, sorry, I wanted to be there for your award. I mean uh, Bruce Wayne's award. [Superman carries Batman by his cape.] Batman: Not the way I like to travel.Cheer up, sour puss. [Superman throws Batman up and then catches him.] Batman: You got dressed fast. Robin: Well I've just started sleeping in the costume now. Poison Ivy: What's going on? Harley Quinn: It's a riddle. Riddler: Oh come on! Joker: You like pie, Batman? Joker: You like missiles, Batman?
'Cause I think they're going to like you! Joker: You like sharks, Batman? Are you asking me to help rebuild the Batcave?I was asking Green Lantern.I don't think this is your color. [Cyborg approaches Joker mech.] Cyborg: Are you my mother? Joker: Yes, give us a hug! [Superman and Batman get in elevator. Superman: What's that song? Batman: I don't listen to music. Joker: So Lex, when you're president, can I be vice president? [Computer beeps showing Batman in pursuit.]I think we've got company. Joker: You didn't answer my question. Lex Luthor: You help me, and you can use the Deconstructor to your heart's content. Know anybody who has lots of shiny black unbreakable toys? Joker: I don't know who you're referring to. Lex Luthor: Come on! Lex Luthor: How would you like to be out of Arkham right now and given a chance to take revenge on Batman and the rest of this ungrateful city? Joker: Well, I'd have to be crazy to say no to that offer...
Unless you're just one of the voices in my head, in which case, I'm crazy anyway. Superman: So, saw you put a big hole in the theater. Batman: I'll get it repaired. Superman: I already did that. Also, I put your boat back in the water. Superman: You know, you should really try not to make such a mess while you're fighting crime. Batman: With what, parking?Why are you guys doing hanging around? See what I did there? Rogue One: A Star Wars Story Drag Me To HellClick here to read Shepherd Project’s discussion of The LEGO Batman Movie.Batman: Black. All important movies start with a black screen. Dark, edgy music that makes your parents nervous.Batman: If you want to make the world a better place, take a look in the mirror and change yourself.Joker: You’re supposed to be scared. Pilot: Why should I be? Joker: Because I’m going to take over the city. Pilot: No, you’re not. Batman always stops you.You took out the bat signal? You have thought of everything.
Batman: I don’t currently have a bad guy. I’m fighting lots of bad guys. Batman: Batman doesn’t do “ships”—relationships. There is no “us”. You mean nothing to me. I’m blushing super hard under the hat.Batman: Remember kids, if you want to be like Batman, take care of your abs.‘Puter: What is the password? Batman: Ironmansucks ‘Puter: Thank you.Batman: Hey mom, hey dad, I uh…I saved the city again today. I wish you could’ve seen me.Alfred: Don’t you think it’s time you finally faced your biggest fear? Alfred: No…. being part of a family. Now it’s snake-clowns because you put it there.He’s the greatest orphan of all time!Richard: All I want is to be adopted so I can stop being alone.Barbara: It’s called, “It takes a village not a Batman.”Barbara: We don’t need an unsupervised man karate chopping bad guys.Batman’s happiness index chart—his happiness declines as “hours without crime” increases.Batman: Batman works alone. Copyright Batman.Batman: My secret password – you mean “AlfredtheButtler” with 2 t’s?!
Ha ha ha ha.Batman: Listen, you don’t have a family. You’re satisfied serving me, Alfred.Richard: Does Batman live in Bruce Wayne’s basement? Bruce Wayne lives in Batman’s attic.‘Puter: Chance of failure, 110%. Batman: Those are not great odds, ‘Puter.Batman: How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met.Batman: Don’t call me Dad. Batman: Papa falls into the dad category.Richard: Robin, as in the smart, frail, Midwestern bird?Batman to Joker: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to entrap me into a relationship.Barbara: You can’t be a hero if you only care about yourself.Those creatures out there are unlike anything you’ve ever seen. You don’t know everything I’ve seen.Richard: Your #2 needs to go #1. [And a few minutes later:] Good news—our bathroom problem is solved. [i.e. He just peed his pants.]Joker: Do you realize, [in all these years], you’ve never once said, “I hate you, Joker.”? Listen to this, “I hate you, Batman.” Joker: I am not going to be part of a one-sided relationship any longer.
I’m moving out, and on the way, I’m going to blow up Gotham.Phyllis (the scanner in the sky): Huh, you’re not a traditional bad guy, but you’re not exactly a good guy, either.Batman: I was afraid of feeling the pain you feel when you lose someone close to you.Batman: Ok, we are going to hit these guys so hard words are going to spontaneously materialize out of thin air.Batman: We’re going to stick together using our heads and the most powerful tool of all, abs of steel.Batman: If you help me save Gotham, you’ll help me save “us”. Joker: You just said “us”. Batman: What do you say? Joker: You had me at “shut up.”Batman: I’m just going to come right out and say it: I hate you, Joker. I hate you more. Batman: I hate you most.Batman: Don’t call me Padre, call me – Dads. My two dads are the same!Batman: Do you have a knife? Because someone needs to cut the tension between us.Phyllis: I finally saw a man who saw something wrong with the world and changed himself to fix it.