karaoke

I am tired. I'm so so tired. Mildly drunk typing this. Let's call it buzzed. And of course, you know me, when I'm buzzed I like to make poor decisions, AKA check in on the old ex again. God help me. Looking at her spotify rn. Not cool at all. She renamed an old playlist from a self pitying name about how she's not the girl for anyone to "I sincerely hope you're doing well" with the description "that was weird and hard. I got a real job. cut my hair. still think of you sometimes. I’m rooting for you". fuck you man. fuck you. I'm trying to hate you and you make it so fucking hard. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. fuck you. I don't know how to feel, i want to stop feeling. fuck. I called her a bitch for the first time the other day. I was muttering under my breath like an insane person and I caught myself calling her names. I didn't want to do that. I feel out of control and callous and broken. "still think of you sometimes" FUCK YOU I CANT WATCH A SINGLE MOVIE OR READ A BOOK OR LISTEN TO AN ALBUM OR DO A FUCKING CROSSWORD WITHOUT WONDERING WHAT YOUD THINK OF IT. I'm not feeling fucking well at all, and I know that I'm responsible for how I react to reality, but goddammit I'm not doing well. For her this is just a weird semester, but for me this is the end of my college experience. She gets to party and go out and receive academic validation and hang out with her friends and easily meet people that she has things in common with for another fucking year. She gets a whole nother year to find herself and heal, meanwhile I'm going to be ejected into the real world, a realm even more isolating than the last. I hate that she knows almost everything about why I did what I did and I still have no idea why the fuck she did what she did. I don't know how I'll ever love again knowing that women can just lie like that and abuse me. Fuck. I hate that this is affecting me this much.

I just got back from an unsuccessful karaoke night. I signed up a little late and ended up being 2hours down the queue. Only two friends could make it out tonight and I basically had to beg them to come out, and then they left before my song. I even left before my song. I tried to talk to strangers, but people can be so cold. I ran into a coworker, and she was really friendly and talkative, but didn't introduce me to her friends who were standing and watching the interaction the whole time. I don't want to take it personally (maybe she was drunk), but it still is hard. It's so fucking lonely sitting in a bar all dressed up in a cute ass fit and having nobody to talk to.

I started talking to the racist girl again. She sends me scantily clad photos which activates the male reptile brain in me. I hate myself. She's fucking mean too. She calls me a faggot and not in a funny way.

I guess a good thing that happened today is that I got invited out with some girls tomorrow. I ran into a girl from one of my classes last semester and she ended up inviting me out to hang out with her friends at a club. That felt nice to be invited. I don't know if she'll follow up though, I don't want to get excited.

I was watching a lot of skydiving videos today. It's a neat idea as a hobby, but one thing that kept popping into my head was how funny it would be to spend thousands of dollars and dozens of jumps just to get to the point where I could jump solo and crash into the ground, completely liquefying my body as it turns from a 3d mass into a 2d plane as gravity presses it into the earth. Just normal thoughts.